I just came from trying again's venting post - and thought a flip side topic would be good.<p>After spending almost twenty years putting my family's needs first - and losing me, losing the parts of me I used to enjoy so much, I have found lately (after almost 6 months of separation) that I actually have time for me!<p>It occured to me Saturday night when I spent almost 2 hours getting ready to go out with my cousin to a night club. <p>First I thought, jeez, why didn't I worry so much about my appearance when I went out with my H?
At first I felt guilty - you know that old, no wonder he left me and went with her kind of thinking.<p>Then I realized, I was doing it now because I could! H had our youngest son for the night, I had no dinner to cook, no laundry to flip, no last minute boo boo's to nurse... etcetera.<p>I only had me to worry about (and my impatient cousin! lol)<p>So I've been thinking about this and here is my list of things that have changed for the better with me. And NO - not to win my H back, mainly because I've had fewer other things to weigh me down - even with all this infidelity pain and worry.<p>1. I've lost weight. Thinner now than in 15 years.
Suddenly I don't have to worry about feeding
four people - on their schedules - no more stocking cupboards for their tastes.
Now I eat what I want, when I want & I'm
evening figuring out what that is.
It's taken a few months.<p>2. I'm wearing jewellery again. Actually have time
to choose earrings and bracelets when I go out.<p>3. Changed my hair colour 2 times in the past few
months. Yes, maybe a bit excessive. But it's
kinda fun deciding what I want to look like
(not to mention odd to have enough time to
think about it)<p>4. No more television. Always hated it, even
though I got sucked into watching programs
some evenings. No more. I don't miss it and
have so much more time.<p>5. I actually get out to see movies & don't fall
asleep halfway through them anymore.
(well, not as often anyway)<p>6. I enjoy one on one time with my kids again.
Great with our older son (19) - now we enjoy
our time together as adults when my younger
son (11) is with his dad. We actually have
time to relax so he tells me a bit about his life, without interuption.<p> Great with our younger son too. I focus on
him and have the mental space & freedom to get
silly and play checkers & chess and get excited
over his models. We eat canned soup and toast
for supper and have lots of time to play.
Something I felt guilty about in my old 'wife &
mother role'.<p>7. Make up! Pulled out the old eyeshadow, blush
& lipstick. Even bought a new tube. I actually
have time to put it on now!<p>8. My place is my place. I'm now living in two
rooms only. But they are my two rooms. Mine and
my son's half the week.
This is my stuff, it stays the way I want it
too. I've discovered a new tolerance for some
mess and dirt that I couldn't accept when I
was 'wife & mom'. Strange what the wife role
can do to you.
<p>9. I've polished my toe nails! Using the time I
save now that there is way less laundry!<p>10.I walk my dog four times a day. Don't have a
backyard to let him out in anymore so I have
to walk him. I've met so many people out
walking & seen so much of my new neighbourhood.
Not to mention the peace of mind that comes
with the simple task of circling the block
first thing in the morning and last thing at
before I go to bed for the night.<p>11.No more traffic stress. I don't have a car
anymore & am loving it. (except when I buy
those family packs of toilet paper - that I
really should give up on anyway-except they're
such a better deal)
I take a book with me on the streetcar and take
twice as long getting there - but enjoy it
so much more.<p>That's my list for now.
All these good things that have come from my separation are starting to add up. I actually catch myself singing as I walk the dog sometimes and giggling at silly things I notice in the day & falling on my bed in the middle of a saturday afternoon and listening to a favourite CD - despite a list of to do's. <p>The 'wife & mother' role weighed a ton. I don't think I needed it to be a good mother - probably
not to be a good wife either. Too bad that 18 years of working so hard to put a family together harnessed me up so well that I forgot to live.<p>What good things have other people discovered in their lives amidst the pain of an affair?

<p>[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

Hi, this new board format is a little confusing to post to, but here goes:<p>First, I admire your courage in leaving your marriage and your home when you realized your H was involved with an OW. Leaving made a very strong statement. Your WS can't have the protective cover of a "wife in residence" to pretend that nothing is wrong. He can't deny the damage the affair has done to the marriage.<p>I hope your H wakes up and smells the coffee in time to save your marriage. At least you're not "enabling" him to keep up the fiction to himself or to his world that there is no affair, that there's no damage to the marriage. I'm sorry for the turmoil that your kids are enduring. Not familiar with your story. Did you move out because he refused to leave?<p>And am I reading right (between the lines) that you're deliberately looking for the good things in order to compensate for the pain of the loss of your dreams? And for the pain of the loss of an intact marriage and family? I read courage in your post.

Bellevue,<p>thanks for you reply.<p>Actually - I moved out I guess in a panic or to have some sort of control when my life turned inside out.<p>I stumbled across evidence of the A, and my H told me he and the OW planned on moving intogether immediately. (Or soon)<p>I really couldn't bare the notion of being left I guess, and asked him to consider staying in the house while he worked through his thoughts and that I would move out.<p>Good and bad situation, depending on the day.<p>He said at the time that our marriage was over, he was in love with her, no longer in love with me - you know.. all the same lines. I believed him and ran I guess - to escape the pain. <p>There was no real anger at that point, just shock and fear. Still waiting for the anger to show up.<p>If I had discovered MB sooner, I may have chosen a different path.
________<p>Actually, my posting was quite sincere. I am surprised by these little things that I hadnt done for a while and to rediscover some of the smaller pleasures in life amidst all this chaos. <p>No, they don't make up for my lost family - but I hope if H and I work it out, that I can retain some of these things I've gained during our separation and continue to find the me thats been buried for so long under the 'wife & mother' yoke I took on for some reason.

runningonfaith,<p>No, of course it doesn't make up for not being with your family. And I understand why you "ran". Fight or flight, adreneline, and not wanting to be the one who is "dumped." But I see your decision and action of moving out as one with a lot of courage.<p>Tactically it's a great move. Your ex will not see you at your worst, he'll only catch glimpses of you nicely made up, well-dressed. Amnesia will set in. He has the reality of housekeeping, homework, laundry, school meetings, and explaining why Dad is with the OW instead of with Mom. Gives you an opportunity to Plan A and if the time comes, to effectively Plan B.<p>I wish you success.

Thank you so much! Your post made me smile!<p>I am finding some of the same simple pleasures and I felt like I could have written your list!
I think we (or alot of us) women tend to always put others needs ahead of our own and we go so far down the list that we sometimes fall off! I have gotten thin and blonde and I look like I am about 10 years younger than I looked this time last year. I am reconnecting with some old, old friends that I am looking forward to seeing over Thanksgiving. People I would never have gotten together with because we always did things with HIS family and HIS friends. <p>Maybe these things are part of the "Lemonade" from the "Lemons"
Thanks again for the uplifting post!
M

bellevue - thank you. The idea of it being courageous hadnt really occured to me. I hope tactically it turns out well. Hour by hour I change my opinions on that [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't believe I've read your history anywhere? Where do you stand in this infidelity land? I hope in a good spot.<p>Wiffle - I'm glad if this brought you a smile - i was hoping it would be an uplifting sort of thread - one that would focus on some of the 'lemonade' we can make along the way - that is a great metaphor by the way!<p>I also have reconnected with some old friends - another thing to add to the list. Have a good Thanksgiving.<p>Take care all.
Laurie