Well here goes..
I am married to the most beautiful woman. She is an incredible mother, a great friend, and when the mood arises, a wonderful lover. We have 4 great kids and a relationship that many would envy. . If they only knew.<p>Some 5 years ago, an attractive young (married) female employee began to show a great deal of interest in me. I was flattered and although resisted my carnal urges (or was it scared of what I was getting into) for about 8 months, finally it happened.<p>Since this time the OW became my best friend and lover and I often contemplated giving up the treasures I had at home in pursuit of the life I thought could be achieved given the needs the ow was meeting. <p>After going through an incredibly tough time over recent months, the relationship with the OW became strained and I guess started to die the natural death spoken of in the readings. <p>I began to see a familiar pattern in the actions of the OW and it occurred to me that she was probably getting into another relationship. I accused knowing it would probably mean the end of my relationship with the OW and would give me the chance to work on what I now realise is everything.<p>I am however suffering many hurts. The feeling of guilt, the anger of betraying and the pain of betrayal, let alone the loss of a great friend. I know I must count the blessings I have at home but it isnt easy. I now know what matters and the readings have helped me.<p>I guess I really wish the love could die and the friendship continue with the OW. I havent called her for 3 days now, not that she was taking my calls after my accusation. . damn it is hard.<p>
And all I want to do is call the OW and see if she is ok and hear her voice!

ausinfidel,<p>She will be OK. PLEASE do not call! You know what matters...let your wife know this! It sounds like you have a great deal at home, please don't make this any harder by continuing contact. Of course it will be hard, but you will benefit in the long run. So will your wife. So will the OW. Good Luck!<p>Heck

Aus,<p>You may not like what I'm about to say, but by everything that's true and right, it must be said.<p>You have before you the choice of ALL choices. You need to search deep inside of yourself and find who you are, who you want to be, and where you've been. It's too bad that you didn't do this soul searching in the 8 months leading to the (what I assume to be) PA- physical affair. You would have saved yourself, your wife, and the OW so much grief, I can't even describe it.<p>You need to answer the question of what is most important to you. Your wife, your children, the respect of your mutual friends, your extended family, your history, your planned future, your God; or your immediate physical and emotional "wants."<p>Obviously, I'm seeing things from the BS point of view...but I know of what I speak because I was the WS in an EA 4 years ago. Before it got physical, I DID that soul searching that you're about to engage in and the choice, for me, was EASY! There is no real choice to be made in my mind. We ALL owe it to our spouses, whom we vowed before God, family, and friends TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, UNTIL DEATH DO US PART. <p>Far be it from me to "control" you, but man, you MUST at least try to fix what's been lacking in your marriage. We're all human, and imperfect and are bound to make mistakes....I think that some day, you'll see this as probably the biggest mistake of you life. You've gambled with your life, the life of your wife and kids, the life of OW....and you just might lose it all.<p>If you love your wife (or ever did), if you respect her and care for her well being, if you love your children, if you love yourself, you need to come clean, and soon. Take some time to do that soul searching, read this site, pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" (available in the bookstore on this site). <p>At this point, there is no easy way out. Your W WILL find out about the A, one way or another. She may already suspect it but hasn't voiced it because she thinks that you could NEVER do that...just a little tip here, the statistics say that 50% of people will have an affair (don't remember where I read that, but I did).<p>I highly advise you, as I'm sure others will, that you need to incorporate the MB principles into your life: Radical honesty, ENs, time with your W, Love bank, etc...<p>Right now, you're suffering from withdrawl from OW. Know that that feeling will pass, just as the feelings for any other love you might have had passed in time. Know that if you don't currently love your W, I firmly believe in the MB principles (always have, just never put them to words) and they CAN help you to fall BACK in love with your W. I know this for a fact because I did that VERY thing four years ago, even though I didn't know that I was incorporating some (but not all) of the MB principles.<p>You've made a big (and the correct) step in finding MB. The people and resources herein CAN help you to put your M back together, but you've got to WANT to (as the WS). I pray that you will find that strength. It might not even hurt to try to schedule a phone session w/ Steve. Or at the very least, when you DO find a marriage counsellor, try to find one who prescribes to the MB principles (I have no idea how to find one of those).<p>Good luck to you, you've taken the step that I can only PRAY that my WW takes.<p>God bless,
Kev

Kev,<p>Thank you for understanding how hard this is. You ask if I love my wife. I adore, worship, admire and yes love her.<p>I know what I need to do. It is just the doing bit that is hard. I am going to ask a new question in general questions that I am sure you will have some wisdom to offer. please follow it.

Being a BS, I do not undertand how you could risk SO much when you have SO much? What do you need that has caused you to fall away from your marriage committment? I am not attacking you but hoping to gain insight into my WS's actions. Feelings on both sides are so strong and it is so important for each of us to understand each other.
TW

Tossedwave,<p>I have thought long an hard as to what I needed and all I can think is that the intimacy lost with 4 young children caused me to feel rejected. My wife means everything to me and I have suffered greatly for my infidelity.<p>I am sorry that i can offer little insight as to why I have strayed in the first place.

Aus,<p>Have you by chance filled out the EN checklist? If not, I'd recommend it. Maybe it'll give you some insight as to precisely what needs you've been lacking, and in what order. It also helps to get ahold of the instructions for filling it out, because I filled it out one way when I just downloaded and printed it, and another way after I read the chapters in SAA. I'm pretty sure the instructions are in HNHN also, I haven't read it, but I DO have a startup cassette that I listened to and it explains it on that.<p>If you'd like, I could mail you the tape as I don't need it anymore (since I have the book). If you'd like it, just send your addr to my junk mail inbox (comradekev@yahoo.com)<p>K

well, <p>I havent called her today but after work is the usual time we spoke so it will hurt a bit then. I will do all to avoid further contact with the OW and watch this closely for inspiration.

I have a question for you..your OW is M,too..correct? And you see signs she is getting into ANOTHER relationship? And you LOVE her?
What kind of person is having one affair,contemplating another,and still holding her M and lying to her H? Good person? Bad person? Maybe confused and a little messed up? <p>My H had a very hard time breaking it off for good with his married OW,too. Mostly because he was feeling guilty for the pain he caused her! He is not a bad person, either,but he came clean.And the reason he came clean is because she told him she would tell me,if he broke it off with her. I would have never known but SHE knew if I did find out, "I would never take him back". And this person was his FRIEND? <p>15 months later,she still tries to get back in,once in a while. She has left her H and moved to another state. It was a pretty short-lived A and he is now coming to the realization that he convinced himself of things about her that were not true, that he saw only what he wanted to see. He has said he had "strong feelings" for her...NOW he wonders if he ever REALLY did,because those feelings died a long time ago. So, how real were they? Maybe take a step back,aus, and try to see what is beneath a eprson who would participate in ruining what sounds like a decent marriage...we ALL have problems and My H wishes NOW that he had just opened his mouth and TALKED to me,before he became a person he doesn't even recognize as himself.

Wounded,<p>You are sooooo right! I dont know if the ow is seeking another, maybe i was looking for a reason to break it off..<p>An you are right about the kind of person she is. I see that but it still hurts.

Aus, I did read between the lines somewhat...and could see right away that you are trying to get to some resolution as your true feelings...My H has a great capacity for self-delusion,as we have found to our great sorrow...<p>I think he needed to see her in a positive light so that he could think he did not choose badly. It is more about himself than who the OW really is. If she is less than a desirable person, what does that make him? <p>He has been able for a long time now to see her in a more true light. She pushed for the A,the sexual part, even knowing he loved me...(he never told her he didn't love me)...knowing as he told her that this would "end ugly". His FRIEND? This is her 2nd A in less than a year!! That only speaks to how far gone he was,for the feelings he allowed himself to think he felt. I'm sure they felt real at the time...but honestly, what was all this for? Not love, that's for sure!!

Wounded,<p>I am not sure if I misled you. I now realise that the OW was nothing compared to the woman I married. I dont think I ever felt she was. My wife was a better, albeit infrequent lover, a more attractive woman, both aesthetically and by personality, it was just she lost interest in me in favour of our kids and I will never hate her for that.<p>Why then you will ask. Because she made me feel wanted! <p>When a person does not feel wanted, as I am sure many betrayed spouses feel, it is a very painful thing.<p>I am not making excuses just trying to make you understand that it is not just the betrayer that is wrong, it is other factors as the readings have made me understand.

Aus
"she lost interest in me in favor of the kids".<p>You both have 4 little kids and she has lost interest in YOU. Do you have any idea what it is like to intertain FOUR LITTLE KIDS all day?<p>It took TIME to have this affair. Time YOU took away from your wife, helping her with YOUR kids.
If you would spend just that amount of time (the time given the A)giving your wife support and a break from the kids, she would be so full of LOVE for you I bet you would have ALL the sex you could stand.<p>My Daughters MM has four little ones too. She says "he is such a good father". I said "if he were a great father he would be spending his time with them and not with you".<p>So, my man, go home and be the father to your kids and attentive (meaning helping) to your wife and you will get sex. Trust me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aus,<p>Sorry,missed that...so,you always knew your W was the "better" person but you didn't feel wanted. SN IS a big factor...Wasn't a factor in our situation,H had whatever he wanted...he just lost interest and then turned it around and said it was me.We have been M a log time and when one person is sexually bored with the other,I think it's almost a detriment to the relationship to keep doing it all the time.Especially if the other doesn't know.<p>And gottruth has a great point. My H said he felt abandoned and lonely pre-A. He spent tons of time on the computer,playing games,because he "needed it to relax,problems at work,blah,blah".So,I gave him the time he said he needed and felt good about giving him what he said he needed. If he had paid as much attention to me,and felt good about giving to the relationship here,this would not have happened.<p>This OW was available,that is all.Immediately,without love or feelings. My H could NEVER do that,he needed a month to make it more in his head.<p>He says he felt adandoned but the REAL truth,a year later,is He adandoned me. He says he didn't feel needed,a year later,the real truth is he thought he didn't need me.He told himself I wouldn't care if he had an A.OH PLEASE!!! And turned it around on me. But it was HIM all along.<p>I thought we were a family and when one family member is down or unable to cope, we all step in and "cover" until they can cope again. He KNEW I adored him and would do anything for him...then and now. But if he had not convinced himself of the opposite then this would have been different.And just for the record, sex NOW is wonderful,am I different,NO,his head is screwed on straight again,HE is different.Not technique or acrobatics,just he and I,again.<p>Do you really think your W doesn't love you or need you? Is it possible that she needs more than you have been giving? Invest in the M by giving,Aus.Tell her how much you miss her and then take steps to show her,make HER feel special...You will reap the benefits.<p>One more thing...have you told her yet? One thing I have trouble with is the Ws saying that they could not possibly risk losing the M by coming clean. That is so disrepectful...does your W not deserve to know who she is M to? And the right to make her own descision based on truth? And if she decides to end the M,((doubt that BTW),isn't that what you already risked?

I have always insisted that when I had sex with my wife it was incredible. She just didnt want it and I know I could also satisfy her before the doubting Sarahs flame me on that.<p>I was also a great father. Incredible amount of quality and quantity time with 4 kids who adore me, infact guess who won the coolest dad in school and the best lookin mum. Yup we got it all but I still didnt feel wanted. until.....ow<p>I feel guilty for that, i wish it never ever happened. but it did and now I am trying to deal with it and avoid causing any more pain to those I love.<p>Surely if one is committed to the marriage and W is not and will not become aware an if she does she will also find out that I suffered enough to break it off and work on my marriage. I would be honored to have a partner who makes that decision and follows through with it.

Well, Ok, Aus, I think you're saying you don't want to cause her pain by telling her.That's somewhat admirable,I guess...and you know she will never find out. I hope for both your sakes she never does...
I would hate to think there was a whole portion fo my H's life that I had no idea about and at VERY least, I now know what to protect myself from. I Know who he is,really, now and his capabilities...would never have thought this possible of him...But I'm staying and loving the whole man.
You may lose or you may win but you have to decide. My H was terrified the OW would tell me...and then she SAID she would. Backed into a corner,he confessed. The other thing was I wasn't gonna wait for him to "pick me" any longer. So, it all came to a head for my H very quickly. He may have never told me either, if he hadn't been cornered.<p>Many here will say you MUST tell her...I agree with them. For myself and my own situation, I am glad I know and that I was trusted with the knowledge,even when he knew what it could cost him. It has been horrible and so hard on us both. But, again, for myself only, the reality marriage is better than the fantasy one I thought I had.<p>Good Luck to you, Aus,be good to her.I hope it all turns out the way that is best for all.

Thanx wounded. Remember I havent decided not to say anything. Just trying to fight my emotions and decision to walk from a relationship that I enjoyed. (and it was wrong, I make no effort to justify that)