I met my husband for lunch today and he told me about a conversation he had with the OW today. He said she started it by reminding him of my reactions to things in the first few days after he told me about them and then went on to tell him how her husband is acting and how it makes her feel. Only yesterday she told him that there would be NO contact other than work. I was angry, hurt, and concerned. He did say that he told her she should tell her husband and not him but he did allow the conversation to begin and go on. I feel that all no-work conversations should stop. I don't want there to be any friendship. I don't think this is being selfish on my part. This is a relationship that almost destroyed our marriage. I have asked him to turn the tables and look at it from my point of view. "would you want me to have any type of relationship with somebody that I had an affair with?" His answer of course was"NO" but he is still unwilling to see the damage that any relationship with her could cause. Why doesn't he get it?<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

I agree with you. Everything I have read said that there should be no contact at all.<BR> <BR>My H was unable to change jobs so he sees his OW occassionally at work. He just tries to avoid her. This is better than nothing, but I would prefer for him to honestly feel that he needs to tell her to go away.<P>I want him to hate her, but that will never happen. I can't comprehend it. He knows he was used, he knows he was nothing more than a conquest. He knows that he was lied to, but he still cares for her. He says that he used her to. Yet he still resents me for things I did out of hurt and ignorance 9 years ago that were apologized for. He insists that his feelings for her are nothing more than a casual, this is someone I know and don't want something bad to happen to type interest, but I know different.<P>He will always be grateful to her for giving him what he needed. I need for him to hate her or atleast fear her the way I do, but I don't think he will ever be able to this.<P>I fear there will always be this shadow of this third person in our relationship.<P>On behalf of your H I must say that he is being honest about his feelings toward her and I consider this good. My H will go to his grave denying that there is a place in his heart (not mind) for this woman that has just about killed me.<p>[This message has been edited by Essyboo (edited November 10, 1999).]

You have no trust in him. Very understandable. It's not just something you just can give back to him. He has to prove to you he's worthy of your trust by his words AND by his actions.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Hi untallnikba:<BR>Just like you, I don't understand why our husband have to talk to the OW at all....considering what they put us through.<BR>There is no reason to.....I am in a slightly better place than you because she left our place of employment 10/30....she had no choice....as I was making life hell for my H...but...this morning I came to find out that he has been on the phone with her....when I asked him why...he tells me he has been in touch with her about work related stuff and the fact that she left her slippers there in a bag and he asked her about them....now....lets think for a minute....don't you think that they were saying sweet things to each other ???? I don't understand why they can't just not talk to them.....they are being disrespectful to us.....and they are elevating the OW by making her feel important with the keeping in touch garbage and at the same time keeping the relationship going.<P>Who came up with the idea of marriage ? and<BR>why ? Would I do it again ? Never......

I trust you have both read everything on this site?<P>Everyone's situation is somewhat unique, but again so much is the same. If you haven't already I suggest you read Surviving an Affair, by Harley, After the Affair by Springs, and Private Lies. Then after you both discuss that try a telephone session with Steve Harley. When both of you are hurt like you are you need help in putting a plan together. My guess is niether of you can empathise much with other yet even though your intentions are good.<P>Good Luck.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn