I am really confessed. How do you do plan A and be radically honest at the same time? <p>Brief history: We have been married for 22 years. I don&#8217;t believe that either of us have been very happy. We have gone to counseling 3 different times with very little change in our relationship. I recently ended a 1 year EA with OW. My wife is not fully aware of the extent of the EA even though she suspected something was going on. I am currently going to counseling alone because my wife refused to join me. I brought home the book His Needs - Her Needs and she refused to read it. She has also refused to fill out the Emotional Needs questioner. Five months ago I was radically honest with her and told her what my needs were. I also told her that I didn&#8217;t want to live this way anymore and that things needed to change else we needed to end our marriage. Of course she was very mad and upset but when she calmed down she did seem to try harder to meet my needs. However I feel like she has slowed down. I have been trying to do Plan A for the past five months. Admittedly my heart hasn&#8217;t really been in it but I have tried. <p>My wife recently went to a lecture that talked about Love Languages. The speaker gave a test to determine what type of love language you speak. His concept is 50 percent of people who take the test are Touch Oriented, 40 percent are Verbally Oriented and 10 percent are Visually Oriented. I am a little discourage because we answered the questions so differently. I am very Touch a little Verbally, and very little Visual. My wife is just the opposite. <p>Here is an example question:
I would prefer to have my mate...
A. Reach out and touch me.
B. Say, "I love you"
C. Surprise me with a good deed.<p>If you answer mostly A on the questions then you are Touch Oriented. B you are Verbally Oriented. C Visually Oriented.<p>Since we have filled out the Love Language test I have trying to do more things for her and let her know I appreciate her doing things for me. i.e. I have done the dishes, run errands for her, told her thanks for things she has done for me etc.<p>Now back to my original question. How do you do plan A and be radically honest at the same time? I am feeling very frustrated that my needs are not being met as well as I would like. My needs are:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Affection
3. Recreational Companionship
4. Attractive spouse
5. Domestic support
6. Admiration<p>In recent weeks I have backed off on asking for anything and concentrated on meeting her needs. We recently listened to a tape by the same author who did the Love Language test. This tape mentioned that couples should take turns &#8220;setting the mood&#8221; for intimacy. i.e. the wife takes Tuesday and the Husband takes Saturday. Spontaneity can still occur but the author felt that planning intimacy and taking turns setting the mood and taking turns giving and receiving was very important. The author also stressed that it was important that both spouses initiate intimacy. He said that it was very difficult for one of the spouses to have to always be the one to initiate. After listening to the tape I said I really liked it. My wife asked why, so I told her that I liked the concept of taking turns &#8220;setting the mood&#8221; and both spouses should initiate sex. She told me that the best she could do was offer once in awhile. I was very discouraged. <p>During the last week I have kept thinking I have wanted to write her a letter asking her for what I need. This is the problem: I have learned that if I ask her for what I need it is a major LB! She has a very short fuse and gets angry very easily. She simply refuses to change and has told me countless times that I should love and accept her the way she is and then she gets angry at me if I do ask her to make any changes.<p>My concern is, do I keep trying to meet her needs without asking for anything for a period of time? Or do I go ahead and ask her for what I need even though I know that asking is a LB?<p>
P.S. How is this for a change the WS in a EA doing Plan A? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I realize most of you are the BS so please don't flame me too bad!! I really am confused on how you Plan A and be Radically Honest at the same time or should they be separated?

Hi WantLove,<p>first of all welcome to MB. You are most welcome here and you'll find yourself amongst friends.<p>Secondly, your situation sounds similar to mine and your wife sounds like it could be my wifes sister. Very similar. This is my second marriage - we've been together 13 years and married 9. We have two boys , 4 and 6.<p>Over the years, I don't know how many times I'd told my wife my needs - but in this time she never initiated sex, she was never in the mood and never got herself in one either. It was always 'well, I never had to initiate before I met you, why now?'. The consequence was that I withdrew from her and then she was the one who had 2 affairs!!!! Like, what an idiot I was.<p>Anyways, to cut a long story short you can be radically honest and still be in Plan A. Being radically honest doesn't mean being abusive, judgemental, or having angry outbursts. It means that you tell somebody how you feel at the time you feel it. You don't bottle it up or wait.<p>Since D-Day, every time I got turned down I told her how crap she made me feel. It often resulted in me sleeping in the other room but I never got judgemental, I never had a rage and I never got abusive. I just said 'this is how I feel right now and I'm sleeping in the other room because I don't want to be near you'. However, it didn't do me much good. She wasn't listening. <p>It was only after I'd had an affair of my own and that I said 'look, I'm really, really unhappy. You're doing nothing to help the situation, so I'm going to leave' - it was like a slap. <p>I said we'd need to sell the house but I'd put her in a rental. I said no more spending - we split finances as of now - and then she really went into a panic. Then she asked me to go to counselling and the counsellor put some basics into persepctive for her and slowly she started to understand. I set clear borders of what was acceptable behaviour for me - she did the same. That's been the modus operandi for the past couple of months.<p>Since this time, I've stopped initiating. If she wants it, she knows where it is. Now we make out three times a week and she'll come to bed in the sexiest underwear ever - it's a real turn-on.<p>It can be done but it takes two and it takes time. If your wife isn't on board, you have no chance. You need to find the switch that snaps her out of her comfort zone - only then will being honest in conjunction with a good plan A work for you. <p>take care and keep posting,<p>- Freddy

Want Love,<p>I've been thinking about this and have two questions:<p>1. If you've been involved with an alien (translation = OW) how can you have been there for your wife? If she's suspicious then she's probably withdrawn from you.<p>2. Are you sure you're meeting ALL her needs? I'm not - I know that my withdrawal meant I wasn't meeting a lot of what my wife wanted from me. Hence her withdrawal, etc, etc.<p>Maybe it would be smart to revisit exactly where your relationship is - openly and honestly. Then she what Plan A should entail.<p>take care, I'll keep thinking - which might be dangerous for you [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] hehe<p>- Freddy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Freddy:
<strong><p>1. If you've been involved with an alien (translation = OW) how can you have been there for your wife? If she's suspicious then she's probably withdrawn from you.<p>2. Are you sure you're meeting ALL her needs? I'm not - I know that my withdrawal meant I wasn't meeting a lot of what my wife wanted from me. Hence her withdrawal, etc, etc.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>1. OK, your guilt trip worked, You are correct that I probably haven&#8217;t been there totally for my wife. The EA ended about a month and a half ago. I have been trying to meet my wife&#8217;s needs for about 5 months but I will admit that it has been half hearted because I was still somewhat emotionally involved with OW. I think my wife has quit being as suspicious as she was a few months ago.<p>2. NO, I am not sure I am meeting my wife&#8217;s needs. I doubt very much that I am. You are probably correct that I have been withdrawn also. Five months ago when I was radically honest with my wife about my needs I told her about the book His Needs - Her Needs and told her what my needs were. I asked her to read the book and fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and she refused. I did ask her what her needs were and she gave me a list. I have been trying to do the things on the list. This is a common problem periodically throughout our marriage I would ask her why she didn&#8217;t feel much for me sexually and she would give me a new list. I get so sick and tired of being told I don&#8217;t measure up and if I did then maybe she would feel something towards me. It is like she is saying: &#8220;if you be a good little boy and meet ALL of my needs then maybe I can feel something for you sexually&#8221;. I feel like I am begging. I just want to feel loved. I have most recently discovered as mentioned in my original post that she is a very visual person and likes outward signs of love such as doing things for her so I have been trying to do so. One of the reasons why I am a little gun shy about asking for more intimacy was when she gave me her list five months ago the first one on the list was &#8220;No more arguing about intimacy&#8221;. So therefore I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot. If I ask for more intimacy then I am afraid I am going to upset her. I have the same problem with the other needs. Once again I feel like if I ask to have any of them meet better then she is going to resist. If I am not honest with her and tell her what my needs are then I feel like I am not being honest with her or myself. I am torn between telling her again what my needs are and trying to do a better Plan A without reminding her again and see what happens. So once again it feels like Plan A and asking her to meet my needs are mutually exclusive. Either that or I am not understanding something here. Sometimes I feel like what I should do is bend over backwards and do everything I can to meet her needs and not ask for anything in return and then after a period of time request her to meet my needs again and then when she doesn&#8217;t ever respond then somehow summon up the strength to leave. I guess that&#8217;s called Plan B.<p>I know I shouldn&#8217;t compare, but this is what OW in EA said once about my wife: &#8220;If she only knew what she has! I would have to start spoiling you to death if I were her!&#8221; It was stuff like that that kept me in the EA! Why do others see that I treat my wife well but she can&#8217;t???? I would sure like some appreciation like that from my wife! Just a little venting.<p>Anyway, do I Plan A with or without asking for my needs to be met?<p>[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: Want Love ]</p>