Hi All,<p>Welp, a while back (3 mos) I had planned on giving my H his "stuff" which is at my house. It was mostly for closure for me. He hadn't asked for it at all. I procrastinated (sorry K) and haven't done it. I know he is not in need of any of it. He's done without the "stuff" for 17 mos. <p>So, low and behold I get an email last Friday from XH, and here it is:<p>I hope you are well.<p>I would like to coordinate getting the remainder of my stuff out of your house sometime before the holidays come. Please think about it and get back to me. I have Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings open. The weekends are possible too.<p>Love,
Steve<p>So I respond on Monday with this:<p>You will be contacted.<p>LMAO, I know, I know ... very turse, but that's all I had in me at the time.<p>Okay, this morning, after praying my tush off, I email him again and I say ....:<p>I'm gathering everything together, and will do my best to have it ready before the holidays. Your patience would be appreciated.<p>And his immediate response:

I'm not in a big hurry. It's just that this could be a stressful thing to do. I wanted to avoid having it occur over the holidays. Let me know at your convenience.<p>Thanks ..<p>Love,
Steve<p>WT ... I mean really, what is this??? He emails me to initiate the exchange and then tells me no big hurry?? .... and it's because he wanted to get it done before the holidays as it would be stressfull? ON WHO????? He knows I wouldn't be there when he picks it up (I'll be leaving it on our driveway) and I can't imagine he would be worried about the stress on me to have to pack it all up. I mean, c'mon ... last Christmas eve day he attempted to have me served with D papers! AND THAT CERTAINLY WASN'T STRESSFULL!!!! <p>So, I sat here and thought and thought, and I'll tell ya what, I have been tracking his contact of me for the last 10 mos on a calender. Every 2 mos almost to the day he initiates some kind of contact. <p>I'd like to know what you guys think. Is this his guilt? His curiosity? His missing me? I'm at a loss ....<p>Jo<p>[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hey, did he really write "Love" Steve???<p>Skip all the underlying messages of stress or no stress... what's with the "Love" part???<p>That's what I'd be wondering about... because, ya know... that says something.

Sheryl,<p>He ALWAYS signs "Love, Steve" to me.<p>He is a weirdo, remember Sheryl, this is the man who keeps telling me every time I talk to him "I love you and I miss you". It's been torturous!<p>I've asked him to stop saying it only about a bazillion times ... so Steve H. told me the next time he says that to me to hang up on him. lol<p>Jo

I read your reply here and giggled... a bazillion huh? Jeepers, maybe a bazillion and one?? <p>I soooooo feel for you... and obviously, have no further advice, except, of course, to somehow (how?) protect your heart.<p>I'm nice to my ex, and I might have said something about the stress (if I were in your ex's place)... but I've not said "love" to him (in any context) for nearly two years, so that totally blew me away.

Your XH is weird, Jo... That love part threw me for a loop too.<p>I don't know what is up with him. He probably misses you and wants to try and remain somewhat good friends...<p>Sounds like this was just an excuse to talk to you and make sure you were all right. I'm sure he still cares, even if he is an a-hole.<p>You did a good job with your responses. Hang in there. <p><<<<Jo>>>>
HbH

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nyneve:
I'm nice to my ex, and I might have said something about the stress (if I were in your ex's place)... but I've not said "love" to him (in any context) for nearly two years, so that totally blew me away.<hr></blockquote><p>Sheryl,<p>Help me out here, Hon. "Who's" stress would you been referring to, if you were in my ex's place. Because all I can think is he's worried about himself. Based on his actions in the last 1.5 years, I can't imagine he is NOW starting to care about how things affect me.<p>BTW, he does know I will not see him when this exchange happens. He knows I will avoid any contact with him at all costs. To me, that's pretty stress free for him. You know ... drive up, grab the stuff and leave. <p>Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>
Help me out here, Hon. "Who's" stress would you been referring to, if you were in my ex's place. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>In my case, as you know, I moved far away from David, and he has GRACIOUSLY allowed me to keep stuff in the garage that I haven't been able to move with me. I take it in waves - visit, take some stuff, visit, take some stuff... <p>I realize that in David's case (because he until recently said he wanted me back, and then that he hated me - lots of emotions running through his head and heart) that he would feel stress seeing my stuff (I was very careful to box it and stack it in one corner of the garage, and it's not a lot anymore, only three boxes left).<p>So, in my case, no matter how it is between David and I, I go out of my way to be kind, and to be cognizant of his discomfort with my things being there... oh, I don't know if I'm making sense... <p>So, I am talking about David's stress... and in your case, if I were your ex, I would be cognizant of your stress with keeping his things.<p>Whew!!

Okay, got it. And thanks, Sheryl. This helps me so much, hearing it from someone who's been there.<p>But one other question. Was there a time you weren't so cognizant of his feelings? And if so, what or who is responsible for your change of heart, where you are now more careful and caring?<p>I want to ask something else, Sheryl. But I feel like I'm prying, or maybe drudging up feelings you may not want to revisit.<p>Jo

I was always thinking about the least-damaging way to deal with him. I loved him Jo, for so long. I didn't hate him when I divorced him, I just couldn't be married to him anymore. <p>Ask whatever you like. If I can't "go there" I'll tell you.

Thank you, Sheryl. Your last post answered my question that I didn't ask.<p>You're a dear person. I know you've been thru hell. I hope whatever doubts or hurt you feel will melt away and leave only a well deserved blessed life for you. We're lucky to have you here.<p>You know, I know my H loved me too, but he blatantly treated me so bad, he was never careful thru this whole thing. Some of the things feel unforgiveable. And his mixed messages (I love you but I'm staying with OW) feel beyond cruel. I think that's why I get so angry with him sometimes. <p>Well anyway, thank you again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love and prayers for us,
Jo

Sorry ladies, but my reaction is that ya'll are over analyzing this. Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I just don't see all the stuff between the lines that ya'll do.<p>Stressful? Of course it'll be stressful for both of you. At the height of my wife's romance - moving out while shining like a glow worm - even she was stressed and she recognized my stress and discomfort, at least a little.<p>Jo, I sense your emotions and I'll be happy when I read some relaxation in your words. It'll come.
Sorry if this is coarse.

Oh Jo,<p>Thank you for the lovely thoughts... and I am getting stronger and more sure of myself... and I am finding some peace, through prayer and self-reflection... it's not been easy, but it has been worth it!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>Sorry ladies, but my reaction is that ya'll are over analyzing this. Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I just don't see all the stuff between the lines that ya'll do.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh now, dear Dave... if your ex wrote a note or two signed "Love, ex" tell me you wouldn't be saying, "What the hey?..." <p>Not a lot between the lines in the word "Love," is there??<p>I think we're right and your wrong. HAHA, I've always wanted to say that to someone around here!!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Kidding, kidding!!!<p>Maybe it is because you're a guy... but I honestly do see EVERYTHING that Jo sees in this man's words...<p>Big ol' platonic hugs, Dave!!!

Fair enough, Sheryl. Sure, if my "not yet X" wrote that closing, it would get my attention, and may be indicative of some guilt, but let's not jump overboard with the significance of it.<p>I have great admiration for Jo and compassion for her plight, but I don't want to "see" her get sucked into relapse over what could very well be splitting hairs on very few words.<p>Jo, I hope you understand me or forgive me if I'm WAY off base.<p>Hugs back at ya,
Dave<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Hi guys! Now now now, no fighting ... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (J/K)<p>Both point of views are well taken. <p>I wasn't at all surprised at my H's sig sign off, that's just what he does with me. Mainly my issue was he was emailing to "supposedly" get his stuff, and knowing I don't want any contact from him, I would think he was appprehensive to do it and had to be serious about his request. <p>The part that I didn't get is in his first email, where he says he wants to get it "before the holidays". I mean, since he is not any any big hurry, he could have waited until the beginning of next year to coordinate and contact me, no?<p>And there was something I left out too. I haven't seen Ryan (his OC) in almost 6 weeks because there has been instances where Ryan does not want to go with his dad and tells him he wants to be with me instead. So, I have backed off seeing Ryan for a term. Also, when my XH asked for the D he said we'll always be in contact because you'll always be seeing Ryan. <p>I guess what I'm trying to say is I believe he was checking to see if I was still around and alive, which very well could be driven by guilt from his past poor treatment of me.<p>Whatcha think WAT and Sheryl? I just love you two, dickering over my post! lmao<p>Jo

Jo,<p>My take, <p>he's a guy & WS at that, they never make sense.<p>now dunking from all the stuff being throw her way by everyone I just offened

Jo - sorry for the late reply - I was traveling for a couple of days.<p>I think it's plausible he has some guilt - correction - I think it's plausible that he's finally comfortable acknowledging some guilt to himself.<p>Let's imagine, for a second, far out into the future for those of us likely NOT to recover our marriages. The emotions will level out. The anger will subside. Time will work it's wonders. Perhaps we'll fall in love again. I can even imagine being friends with the shell of the person that used to be my wife - maybe when we become Grandparents. Maybe, just maybe, our former spouses will realize what occurred.<p>What's my point? This will all happen gradually. Maybe what you're seeing in your XH is the very early stages of this.

Maybe he said "Love Steve" because those are just words and he says that all the time?<p>Maybe he said "Love Steve" because he wants to be nice so she'll let him come and get his stuff before she decides to just BURN IT!?<p>I don't know, maybe he just wants her completely out of his life for once and for all, you know, tie up those loose ends?<p>Maybe he wants back all those love letters from his OW because he told OW that he saved all of them now that they are back together!<p>All we do know is that this person has put Resilient through the ringer in every sense of the word and still tries to pretend that he hasn't. Frankly Resilient, I think you are a saint for storing his stuff at no charge for all these months! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love ya!<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>