Alright Everyone .... It's that time again. Please give us an update. We care and want to know how you are and how things are in your Marriage.<p>Prayers, and Very Best to Every One of Us!<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 08, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I have to say that we are progressing by the book! It is amazing to me how closely our timeline is following the one in Dr. Harley&#8217;s books! Last contact was 9/11/01 and we are on our way to a real recovery! I know that we have a long way to go, but my WH is out of the fog and we are progressing! The best part is that he is finally happy! There were several weeks when he wanted to run back to her, but he was strong enough not to! He knew that he couldn&#8217;t if our relationship was going to work out. Such a funny thing because he didn&#8217;t want to be with me at all, but knew that he was obligated to try so he did. He still hasn&#8217;t expressed any remorse for his actions, but according to Dr. Harley that may come later, or maybe not at all.<p>Like I said, we still have allot to work on, but we moving forward and it&#8217;s a great feeling! Absolutely no contact is the key! He tried to work with her after D-day, but it wasn&#8217;t until we moved out of state that thing started getting better! He went through terrible withdrawal and at first would have left at any moment if I had told him &#8220;I give up.&#8221; I never gave up and he is telling me that he loves me, misses me when we are apart and intimacy has returned!<p>D-day was April 16 with him going back and forth between OW and me a few times. He returned home for good on June 19 and final contact was September 11. I hate to be optimistic because I&#8217;m so afraid of being hurt again, but I see the light!!!

Hey stranger!!!!<p>I need to make an appointment here just to talk with you there! LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Orchid reporting with status. Well I just gave my monthly status this week to my boss (he says I give too much details - yet when I don't he gripes). My boss called to grumble about all my data then said, he was just venting. Go figure. <p>Oh yea, you wanted status on my M not my work!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] LOL!! !! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>H is home. OW called last night 8 times, left 4 voicemails and I kept her on hold until she stopped calling back (3 times). H is annoyed with her, I have caller id on the phone and will report her home phone and get her blocked the next time she shows herself. <p>Either she can't get a date or she is PMSing. Either way, it's horrible for me. I want to put her phone number on a restroom wall saying....for a good time call:___ ___-____!<p>My anxiety attacks are reducing. Trying hard to plant nice thoughts in my mind. I still tend to be jumpy and skeptical. H knows about the trust factor. We agreed on how we each are to act or react with OW. <p>H is spending more time with son, they are bonding a bit better. I find that I have a shorter temper, less tolerance and they seem to behave better. Go figure!!!! Don't wonders cease to amaze. Be nice get treated like furniture, treat them sternly and they act nice!!!<p>I still will post here. Not quite ready for the recovery board yet... Skeptic that I am. <p>Thanks for posting on my other thread!!! Hope to hear from you soon. How are you doing? I have been trying to keep up with you (since I can't seem to connect with you on the phone - you busy lady you!!). <p>Luv,
L.

HI Resilient,
Update, huh? All rightie! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The marriage is healthy and thriving like a big old fat baby who has just been fed. ENs are being met for the most part. Hs top EN is SF and I'm on target with his required # of times, at least for this week! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My top EN is affection and I feel pretty affectionized this week. I'm not getting my 10 hugs per day as I would like, nevertheless, I'm content, counting my blessings. THIS WEEK! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>H's second most important EN for recreational companionship is suffering a little. We haven't taken time out for a date lately and mostly due to me being thoroughly exhausted and recovering from lots of daytime appointments for all the kids and myself last month. I had a root canal, too. Woopie! (NOT!)<p>My second most important EN for conversation has been fulfilled pretty much. Some nights we watch separate TVs because he flips to sports and forgets to flip back and I flip to stuff other than sports so he tells me to flip to sports which annoys me, but we yell back and forth to each other laughing and then come together in the end and laugh together some more... That's how I solved a lot of things--if you don't like the way he squeezes the toothpaste tube, buy TWO tubes--one for him and one for you! Works great regarding the TV tube also! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Okay, that's all sounding good, right? Well, here comes the part where I need some improvement...<p>H's next most important need is honesty and openness... There are a couple of friendships that are troubling me right now. H knows about both of these people who are of the opposite sex. One guy we decided I shouldn't be friends with a long time ago and he has resurfaced. The other one only found me recently as our companies merged and he discovered I was also an employee...<p>Both are friends from my past where there was sexual intimacy but no actual penetration. Intimacy such as extremely heavy petting in both cases... One I have no feelings for whatsoever, he's as appealing to me as a big zit on my nose, so temptation is not an issue. But the other one, OMG, I KNOW I have to protect myself from him at all costs! I know I could fall for this person in the most damaging way possible (PA)... *sigh* So temptation is there. I'm fighting the good fight and asking God to lead me not into it...<p>So right now, I'm ignoring phone calls and e-mails. Haven't really come out and said quit calling me and leave me alone but doing nothing NOTHING to encourage anything. I'm coming to grips that by doing nothing, I'm encouraging in a passive way, tho.<p>There ya have it in a nutshell...

Hi Resilient,<p>Good thread because I&#8217;m really interested in seeing an update from some of the warriors here &#8211; I&#8217;m also a little nervous at being one of the first to post but here goes....<p>As some of you may remember my wife never agreed with MB principles &#8211; she pretty much poo poohed them right from the start. Which was ok because I found they were helping me. Anyways, we attended counselling and interestingly the counsellor was pretty much in-line with MB principles - get that !!!! So, my wife had the benefit of an objective, sympathetic woman tell her in a non-judgemental way what I&#8217;d been reading in MB about where our relationship was. Since then, and after some not so hard work, our relationship has improved 10 fold.<p>Yep, I have to say that when two are working at the relationship it makes recovery soooo much easier. In meeting my wifes needs I&#8217;m doing the following:<p>1. I&#8217;m maintaining my weight loss &#8211; 16lbs so far despite some serious leg pains &#8211; and just about everybody says &#8216;hey, you&#8217;ve lost a lot of weight&#8217;. And this makes my wife smile from ear to ear
2. We spend a lot more time as a family &#8211; Sundays are dedicated to just us and we breakfast as a family on Saturdays and Sundays (I even go to the bakeary for fresh rolls and croissants)
3. I&#8217;m spending a lot more time with the boys &#8211; we&#8217;re building a tree house together in the yard
4. I don&#8217;t get angry or flip-out over small stuff &#8211; if I&#8217;m upset by something we deal with it there and then
5. I don&#8217;t get judgemental &#8211; I ask her how she feels when something happens, then we discuss it
6. We talk, I focus on her and the TV stays off!!!!
7. We date - meaning, we book a sitter and go for dinner or the cinema, although this is suffering at the mo, so maybe I'll call her up and get a date [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In meeting my needs my wife is doing the following:<p>1. We spend 4 nights out of 7 together &#8211; of the other 3, she gets one night with her girlfriends and she gets to invite friends on another
2. The boys are in bed by 8:00pm, latest 8:30pm
3. She shows me I&#8217;m the top of her priority list &#8211; when one of her girlfriends call and we&#8217;re eating, she asks to call back so we can continue our dinner
4. She shows me she&#8217;s sexually interested in me &#8211; she initiates, she comes to bed wearing sexy undies (wow, takes my breath away), she&#8217;s active, she gets herself in the mood [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What else can I say, the love is flowing in our house these days and we&#8217;re both soooo much happier with each other. Interestingly, as the relationship has improved we&#8217;re both a lot more tolerant of each other and really work at finding compromises. Also, the flowers, the &#8216;I love you&#8217;s &#8216; happen frequently because it&#8217;s so much easier to give again.<p>It&#8217;s not all perfect tho &#8211;we still have to deal with her OM [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] because it&#8217;s the hubby of a girlfriend who doesn&#8217;t know about the EA and we&#8217;re finding it difficult to negotiate when we&#8217;re both stressed. These two issues could still set us back but because I&#8217;m stronger and more confident in myself again I hope to be able to deal with them.<p>- Freddy [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Is it all right if updates are not so positive? I don't think I'd say we are in recovery yet.

Well, on the positive side, my W (WS) says she notices that our three boys and I are getting along great. She also says that I've really cut back on selfish demands and disrespectful judgements and criticizing how much time and effort she puts in on her job. This has been so hard. She takes calls or places work related calls all day that she doesn't count as work time. She hasn't been paid salary or business expenses for the 3 of the last 4 months so it is tough to see how this job contributes to the family. She isn't home to have dinner with us or to help put our sons to bed at least 3 nights a week. Unfortunately, she still says that she doesn't want me to meet her needs for affection or SF and she doesn't care to meet my needs in these areas or rec. comp. either.<p>However, Steve says I'm doing a good job and to keep up the effort. As much as we've talked together, I think I own part of this web site. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] The advice and experiences shared here on the forum have help these last several months. The recommendation to read Gary Chapman on Love Languages was a big help and I think I understand better that I was showing love to my W in ways that I thought were important but that she didn't consider that important (acts of service).<p>Glad to hear the positive updates. The encouragement is good. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
SG

Just spinning our wheels here. Still seperated. Everytime I try to cut loose, or even plan B, she turns on the tears. She won't commit but won't allow me to move forward either.....SIGH!<p> She still has that cake and eat it too syndrome. At least all arrows point that way. <p> jd

Nothing has changed. Same old thing. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

jdm almost typed out my update for me.<p>I'm Plan A until January, and if she still won't commit, then it is 6 months of Plan B. It's gonna take a heck of a lot for her to prove that she's really interested in this marriage, but I haven't given up on her 100% just yet.

C A L I here...<p>H is still hanging around...I asked him to leave a couple weeks ago when I found evidence of continued contact via email, but he said it wasn't financially prudent right now...I am exhausted mentally and physically and somedays feel I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown...I have some prayer warriors where I work and they help me keep it together...<p>My need for affection is not being met...but SF is still going strong...<p>I try to have conversation with him, but he won't 'just talk.' Says he doesn't want to talk with me.<p>We do things as a family and seem stronger that way...though I have reacted to how harshly he treats boys after months of biting my tongue...no LBs, just told him I thought he was being too strong with them....<p>As a couple we have had some recreational time, but not nearly enough...I am working to much.<p>The house is suffering and so is domestic support...neither of us is really into it...I think we'd both just like a magic wand and for the mess to disappear.<p>My weight is creeping up...just a couple of pounds, but I know I am not being as careful and that I haven't been exercising like I should...I need some support here...<p>He is ztill in blame and justification mode...I keep getting the "Why did I have to sin so that you would change..." line. Also says "I never wanted to get married." like it negates everything and makes it okay for what he did.<p>I probably blew it earlier this week, but I told him to 'grow up.' That he could leave...he could change us and our concept of family...but that it was just a form of running away...I know I can't educate him...but sometimes I just wish the revelation would occur to him...<p>That has been my revelation...I have been waiting for him to 'grow up' and participate in our marriage as a husband for the entire 12 years of our marriage...of course it was my perception of what a husband should be...so now I have had to step back and see if I can accept the kind of husband he is...<p>Well this is getting long and could get longer...so I'll just cut it off...<p>C A L I

Bump! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi all. Well H is back at home almost 2 wks. and we are doing good. We didn't make our 1st counseling sesssion b/c H had a mandatory meeeting for work. He calls frequently throughout the day and he is really trying. <p>My biggest problem is that he still has contact with the OW co-worker. They see each other occassionally at work and apparently they are still talking on the cell phone at times during the day. This is a definite problem for me. H says they are only friends and that's what they've always been. I'm trying my best not to LB so far it's been successful. I think I need to bring the contact issue up at counseling. Other than that everything else is going pretty good.<p>I think recovery will bre harder than the separaration. I am taking it one day at a time. H asks if something is bothering me if I'm not acting like myself usually it's nothing just trying to adjust to him being home. Tomorrow night we are going out to dinner. I'm hopeful that our M will be better than it ever was.
Hugs and prayers to all,
C

Bump Bump! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Everyone, Well here's my update. H and I are still separated, he is living at his parents house, he has very little contact with the kids we really don't talk much anymore unless its about the kids or money. I really don't know if he is still seeing OW, and there is finally a part of me that doesn't even care anymore, I just want what's best for me and my children. I do miss him in my own way, maybe someday things could work out, who know's. Pretty boring update huh?? Love Sally

updates, huh? <p>hmmmm....<p>Ran into OW at karaoke the other day - you probably remember the post.... I still haven't gone to talk to her - but I will... I know we will have some closure when that is finished! <p>Work - they hired me temp. part-time - through February. Then I'm not sure what will happen - they've promised to create a permanent position that I could apply for - but nothing has been started and it usually takes at least 3 months - so I'm praying about that...<p>School - Got a 96 on my last macro-economics test - woo hoo! And doing pretty good in my English class... Sure is hard trying to balance work and school, I'll tell ya.<p>Holidays are coming up - so I'm trying to prepare emotionally - that usually is a roller-coaster with my husbands family.<p>Going to have a new grandbaby in December - and youngest SD is having a baby boy in Jan. 2 grand-kids on the way. With grandkids and and step-grandkids - we will have 9 all together! Wow! And I am only 45 years old. hmmmm. How'd that happen?<p>Not much for an update, huh? <p>Resilient: Just give it some more time - I don't talk to my X at all - and life DOES go on and we do get OK after a while. Maybe X's don't - but, hey, thank the Lord - they are not our responsibility, anymore! <p>Hang in there
TnT

H and OW had little contact after July, and no contact since letter was sent (early September). OW left the state permanently a week or two ago, so no chance of H even running into her on campus anymore.<p>H hates OW and the way she used him while he was severely depressed and vulnerable. He "loved" the situation, and there was nothing special about her at all.<p>Although, H is not fond of the MB principles either, thankfully our MC seems to adopt alot of the same principles and H is getting the feedback he needs anyway from someone other than me. <p>H no longer sees me as controlling/manipulative all the time (imagine that?). It's because the MC is there, helping him to realize what I MEAN, not what my H THINKS I mean... Helping him not to personalize things so much. I cry because I hurt, I am in pain, not because I want to FORCE him to do something.<p>H has worked alot on his anger management and is doing well with the kids and me. He also is learning how he gets himself into these EA's/PA, so he can learn to prevent them - himself (i.e. help me learn to meet his needs instead of going outside the marriage and how to stop a friendship that is crossing the line).<p>H has moved almost all his stuff back in. He has shut off most of his utilities and gave his notice for December 1st.<p>I have found myself back in love with my H, and he has been in love with me for quite a while (right after the fog started to lift in July).<p>We talked about eventually renewing our wedding vows and getting new rings to symbolize our new marriage today. This is the goal we are both working towards in marriage counseling.<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
HbH

H and I have been in the process of finding a marriage conselor out here in our new town, now that he has insurance. We have been to one session together, during which this new lady informed us that we are both so screwed up that we need individual counselling first.<p>I feel that she is not the ideal person to be helping my H. He tends to bulldoze and manipulate (self-admittedly) - she is a timid little thing - I watched him work his 'magick' on her in that one session. How can he get help from someone who he can manipulate? He has yet to decide to change therapists...<p>As for me... talk about injustice. We have ONE vehicle. I woke up at 3 30 am, got my 15 month old out of bed and drove my H to work 25 miles away so that I could have the truck to get to my appt with this new counsellor. I get there, wait, the counsellor breezes out and tells me that she will not see me with "that child." Meaning my son. <p>Needless to say I left, after having told her that I did go to some trouble to get there (She shurgged her shoulders and said she could nothelp me.) And I am looking for someone else to go to.<p>I am now on Zoloft. After all of my b!tching and moaning that I would not go on andi-d's - here I am.... <p>Other than that - H and I are busy, busy, but happy. I love him, he loves me and we love our son. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I still say it is a happy ending.

Well,
Most know that we aren't doing well. Though I knew it would go like this once H decided to leave. He hadn't contacted us since Oct. 20th and then showed up at our home or next door to our house and wanted to take the kids for the weekend. He also said he wants to move more of his stuff to his apartment.<p>There is no hope for us and it hurts. I just feel at a loss. There is nothing left to do...I have tried to love him and be there for him--and he just doesn't want it. <p>Don't know where we stand with the divorce. Guess I need to find out. Also need a visitation schedule for the kids to alleviate the problem we had tonight. Wish I had something more positive to report. It is so sad.<p>He also didn't pay our bills this month. Signs of worse things to come I guess.

Bump Bump Bump! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

It's nice on some counts and sad on others to see how everyone is doing...<p>We are recovering well.A phone call from OW came on Sept 8(fri),just a my H was driving into a tunnel and the call cut off. He told me that the best course of action would probably be to just not talk,if she called back. He REALLY thought she was done but I kinda knew better. Anyway, she did call him back on Sept 10(mon) and asked if I had been with him on Friday. He DID talk to her and told her he didn't want to be friends with her,to leave him alone, he had no wish to say things that would hurt her and to get a life. Caused BIG problems for me because it was the same story he has told before...he needed to do this on his own ,in his own words, his own way. This makes 4 times in the last year.<p>Something has happened, I think, since that call. He says he will have no trouble just hanging up on her from now on...We watched a movie last night about an alcoholic guy and he said "If I had wound up with that THING, I would have satrted drinking again".....HMMMM, NOW she is that THING!! NOW doubts that the "strong feelings" he had for her,up to and after the day of the last call, were ever really there...Well, they have been gone a long time,he says so how real were they?<p>Whatever...we are doing better,I am doing better...I now miss him when he is gone(he travels for work),I didn't really for alot of this last year...and am feeling back in love with him. He is very happy about that and it shows. He is finally being the H he should always been. Lots of self-discovery left for both of us but it looks like we will continue on together and be happy.