Lupo and Faith,<p> I thought that I would start a new post. I just leaft the message. My question is. If she doesn't show at 9:00 should I go ahead and leave with the kids to complete my business? Wouldn't me and the kids not being here be a LB or not?<p>Indy

Indy,
I think if you have something you have to do, then go ahead and leave with the kids. Wait for her if you can though... say 9:15 or 9:30. She really needs to respect your time, and know that arrangements are important to keep.<p>My opinion.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Maybe she will call and leave a message to confirm before then. <p>Faith1

Faith,<p> I don't know how she will take this. I am going to go off line for a little bit. I will be back later.<p>Indy

Orchid, Faith, Lupo,<p> Well, I guess she wanted to test me again. I waited today until 9:30. She didn't show or call. She then called my office to see if I was here. I hadn't made it in yet. My supervisior told her that I wasn't in and was not suppose to. I guess that saved me from having to talk to her. Did she do this on purpose or what? Is she trying to control the situation again? I still find it funny that work didn't stop her when she lived at home, but not now. What makes someone change the priority of their own children? Men I can understand, but a mother the carried the children for nine months and was with them almost all of the time.<p>Indy

Indy,<p>Well, you are looking for reason in a sea of illogic. Guess what? You won't find it. Don't waste your precious time trying to figure her out. I must admit that is the tendancy of the BS is to try to make reason out of unreasonable actions. You can see the figurative 'bumps' on my head of all the times I did just that. <p>Mind you I had a lot of seasoned and senior MB people tell me not to but stubborn person that I am, I had to learn some of this stuff the hard way. So I would like to save you a few bumps....when this groups says to better yourself, this is why we say it. Spending time trying to figure the WS out will just give you an ulcer and a whole bunch of other bad side affects. <p>Fortunately for me, those MBers did not give up on this ol coot..... LOL!!! I eventually figured it out and was able to go the the next step (plan B) with relative ease. The burden it lifted off my shoulders was more than I imagined. You see, I was not aware how much stress I was carrying. <p>So you go out there play with your kids, be the best dad you can be, be the best worker, son, friend, relative you can be, play your sports, go out to those functions and enjoy yourself as much as you can under these circumstances. Are you moving on? In a sense yes. Can she every come back in your life? That is up to you. But you will find the strength not to let her be your downfall. <p>Indy, she is the one that left her family. Her family does not need to go to her. She needs to come back to her family. You have the task of keeping your family stable so that she can navigate her way back. Navigation takes concentration and effort, this kind of work helps one get out of the 'fog'. However it does require effort on her part. <p>Do I think she was trying to pull one over you by not showing up on time? Possibly. As I said before the one quality the BS must learn to cultivate is patience. Some of us (like me) have to work on it harder than others. <p>I believe you are doing much better. Keep up the good work and knock 'em dead at that party tonight. It's tonight right? <p>Remember to come home before the sunrises tomorrow!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Or you might turn into a pumkin'!<p>One of your MB guardians..... I think.<p>L.

Orchid,<p> I agree with you. I just find it odd that people can change like that. I wonder how the rest of the day will go. Will she continue to call the house? I don't know. Am I worried? Yes, I am because I have little resolve on the phone and harldy none in person. I was kind of looking forward to her seeing me in my Dress Uniform. But, I was thinking. Should I call her and try to drop them off to her or make her make the move? I think that she should be the one. Don't you.<p> On another subject. Yes, the Birthday Ball is tonight. I don't think I look bad for a 226 year old man. Do I (Faith help me with that). Will it be hard. Yes, I already know that it will. This event is very special to me and it was something that I loved to share with her. Tonight will be a very big test for me. I will most likely look around to try and find her, but I hope that it won't last the whole evening. <p> I am leaving my office to get the kids lunch. I will check in later. By, the way. I was wondering. You said that I was moving in the right direction. What direction is that?<p>Indy<p>[ November 10, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by INDY_357:
<strong>Orchid, Faith, Lupo,<p> Well, I guess she wanted to test me again. I waited today until 9:30. She didn't show or call. She then called my office to see if I was here. I hadn't made it in yet....Did she do this on purpose or what? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>OK, let's take a different approach to this. She KNEW that you had left the message saying you would be where ever to make the exchange with the kids at 9, right? She didn't show up by 9:30 - you then left. OK. She later called your work (maybe thinking she could give you her excuses - cause I'm sure that's what she had in mind!).<p>What it looks like TO ME is the same kind of selfish, irresponsible behavior you find in a teen-ager, who suddenly wants to do everything for THEMSELVES, doesn't "check in" at home, doesn't respect a curfew, likes to "hang out" with her B/F, cause " it's fun to do, or they're sooo in love." GAG.<p>There's no reasoning behind her actions, Indy. Just selfishness. She's on a "high" with her emotions and this A and OM. FOrget about trying to understand it....like Orchid said. You'll save yourself a whole lot of grief and grey brain matter.<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Hi Indy,<p>The right direction? Well, IMHO from a few weeks ago you are much more composed and directional. You are reaching out to learn and understand as opposed to what all BS initially do, trying to fix. I am proud of how you are handling yourself and your family. Not a small feat by any means. <p>Now to your quote: ". I don't think I look bad for a 226 year old man." he he he, Indy, I thought you wer younger than me. But if a '226' man is going to the ball tonight, well I think we all want to see this!!!! I am guess ing you eman 26 years old!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am sure you will be one of handsomest men there. I feel like my younger brother is being sent out on a date. <p>Hey Faith, can you please make sure his uniform is cleaned, pressed and on straight? Oh yea, they taught him how to do that himself. Gosh our boy is growing up sooo fast!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously Indy, keep a good outlook. The initial shock is wearing off for you and you will be able to have better focus. With this attitude you will be able to make right decisions for you and your entire family (yes, even for your W even though she may not participate or appreciate them yet). <p>Right now you know your vulnerble areas, avoid them but don't stop living life. Have fun tonight!<p>Take Care,
L.

Lupo and Orchid,<p> She called twice more and the last one was the kicker. She said that I need to look over my state guidlines about parenting times. She said that she would like an explination as to why when she got here at 10:30 there was no one here. She also mentioned the stuff in the agreement. She wants me to call her by 6:00 pm today and that she wants the stuff today. <p> It is funny how she called at 9:20 am. When she knew by the message that I gave her that I needed her to pick them up by 9:00. She knows what today is. I know that I am not going to call her today. I think that she wants to control everything and everytime I try and stand up and say no more she gets this way. I don't think I have done anything wrong here. Do you? How would you handle this one? I really need help with this one. <p> No, I am not 26. The Marine Corps is 226 years old today. That makes me 226 years old. I am really 25 years old.<p>Indy<p>[ November 10, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]<p>[ November 10, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by INDY_357:
<strong>She said that she would like an explination as to why when she got here at 10:30 there was no one here. She wants me to call her by 6:00 pm today and that she wants the stuff today.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm, she's starting to sound like WAT's w!!! Maybe we need HIS input here.<p>Lupo

Indy, <p>Sounds controlling but here is where you need a clear head and calm heart. Becareful, being the mother, she may try to use stuff against you. So if you can, keep a detailed record of calls,visitation agreements, etc. Get as much down in writing as possible. You may want to start a journal of sorts. Time, date, event, etc. Then when she does want to do something, you may want to ask for it in writing or ask her to sign it. My H did similar, I gave him a full write-up (our discussion was about finances). Even gave him the paperwork to sign, spreahsheet of income received, what was paid for him vs family,etc. WS showed up with nothing except what he was wearing and a mouthful of accusations. <p>To be forewarned is to be forearmed. You are dealing with a Vensuian in the fog...... becareful but be fair. Then hold your head high and move on. She'll have to catch up with you and the kids if she wants her family back. <p>I don't mean this in a cruel way, just that if you wait on her hand and foot (give in to everything she says demands and then changes her mind on, you will get very tired and accomplish very little. <p>Take Care and have fun tonight!!! <p>L.

Hello all! Sorry, I've been out all day. Darn, I hate I missed a good oppurtunity to pay a fellow MB'er a compliment!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yep, Indy. You'll be quite handsome in that uniform!!! Knock em dead, and I hope she will see you!!<p>DOn't know if you're getting this before the ball or not. I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes. <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Faith1

Hi Faith,<p>Wondering where you've been! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] How are you doing? I think our boy is at the ball, having a good time?!?!?! Hope so. <p>Just checkin' in between cleaning and getting dinner on the table. Well, I'll checkin tomorrow. <p>Take Care,
L.

Everyone,<p> I made it back in one piece. It was hard to see all of my friends with their spouses there. I have to admitt I felt a little out of place. We left there and went downtown for a while, but I only stayed for a hour or so. I had to make sure that I could get up with the kids. When I walked in again she called. She again asked for Indianapolis and my parents told her where I was at and she just said ok and hung up. I told my mom that I an not respossible for her seeing the kids. If I let her know that I need her to get them at a certian time that she respect that, because I have to respect the fact that she is sleeping and living with another man and that she doesn't want to be my wife any longer. <p> just thought that I would tell you how things went.<p>Indy

Morning!
I was just about to ask you for an update!
I'm glad things went ok for you last nite. And I think you handled everything else with your mom, the kids, and your W just fine. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'll be gone most of the day again today, but I hope you have a good day! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Faith1

Faith,<p> Thanks.<p>Z,<p> I thought that I saw you out there eariler today. How was your trip?<p>Everyone,<p> I took the kids out to lunch with the rest of the family. On our return guess who called. You guessed it. WS called. My mother brought me the phone. I answered it and she tried to talk about the kids. I just told her that I can't talk and hung up. She immedately called back. I took the kids and left. I guess it was her. I don't know. If she doesn't want to be a family anymore then why does she continually call? Do WS's accuately think that the kids are going to be ok after all of this? Is that part of their fog?<p>Indy

Hi Indy,<p>I'm back at work this afternoon. Just for a little while. So she keeps calling. Eventually she will figure it out that you all have kept busy....... does she speak to anyone else? <p>It is good to see that you are on top of your situation. It is hard, I know. Just keep your external sources working for you (in-laws, neighbors, friends, relatives, her workmates, her doctor, the children's teachers, etc.). They can let you know where she is at (mentally, emotionally and physically). <p>Take Care,
L.

Does she talk to anyone else?<p> Yes, she talks to the person that got us together. I talked to her when this first started. Her and her husband were having problems. I would listen to her and said that I could understand everything that she talked about. We covered some of my story. She doesn't agree with the way my WS treats the kids and me. If you remember from my first post on my last post she won't talk to me anymore.<p>Just keep your external sources working for you (in-laws, neighbors, friends, relatives, her workmates, her doctor, the children's teachers, etc.). They can let you know where she is at (mentally, emotionally and physically).
<p> My in-laws are happy that I am gone. They have always hated me for taking my SD away from them. That is all that they thought about. They put such a strain on our marriage because of my SD. Mrs. Indy's friends. She doesn't talk to them anymore. Once her relationship with the OM was exposed she stopped talking to them. I only knew a couple of her workmates. They are all friends. One in perticular I would like to talk to I haven't seen since August of 2000. As far as anyone else. She only hangs out with friends from work now. All of the people that loved her prior to the A have not talked or seen her since January. That is when the A was exposed.<p>Indy

Hm.... this makes it more challenging but not impossible. My H stopped association with everyone except his workmates and OW. So keeping track of what H was doing was very limited. My BIL would contact H when I asked but I did not want to put him into the middle of it too much. My cousin helped a little. H's parents were little help. The are major conflict avoiders. <p>Well, those that are your supporters can keep their eyes and ears open. Keep everything above board. I would keep a journal. Vensuians can be very critical especially certain times of the 'month' (PMS and stuff). Know that she may try to 'blackball you' with others. Get mentally prepared so to lesen any impact. Remember your panic times a few weeks ago? She may try to trigger you that way again. <p>Bite your tongue if you need to but speak as nicely as you possibly can. WAT and a few other guys can give you more insight. Kinda like disagreeing with a smile (confusing them almost every time). I am talking strictly from a Venusian standpoint. he he he!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

Indy,<p>I agree that you were rigth to leave at 9:30 when she did not show. She needs to learn to respect you, your time and the children. The idea of getting things in writing and keeping a journal is a good one. I did that and it saved me in the child custody battle. It also helped me "train" my ex on the idea that a visitation schedule was meant to be taken seriously. He could not just show up anytime and demand our son when he wanted him. <p>You do sound like you are doing a bit better.<p>Florida was great. I got tons of rest and we had a good time. We're home now.<p>Z