PLEASE tell me how you can have an affair and love the one you are married to? H denies that there was anything wrong with our home life and he is where he wants to be (with me), but I just don't understand this!!!

Hi Star Dazz (and welcome),<P>I'll just be spouting MarriageBuilder concepts here, but they're true so no harm done... <P>Simply put, he had some emotional needs that weren't being met and the other woman was meeting them. This isn't just a male thing. Women have affairs for exactly the same reason.<P>So the trick now is for the both of you to sit down and figure out what those needs are. And he must know your needs as well. That's gonna be real hard. I know this cuz my wife and I are currently struggling with trying to figure that out. Like your husband, I never realized there was anything wrong when I had the affair, and I think that makes it doubly hard to figure out what to do next.<P>I know the concept of your husband's infidelity is hard to get around, but it happens to people all the time everywhere. There's a huge forum here full of people with the same problem! And they're all here to help you and listen to you. You've come to a great place!<P>--airheart

Star Dazz,<BR>Well my only response to that is that your H isn't being honest to himself and you. Are you guys in couseling ? Have you read " Surviving an affair" ? Love is not the issue here... Some where some time your H's emotional needs were not being met. The sooner he relizes that the sooner you guys can move on. It sounds like he at least is wanting to make another go at it.... That's good.<P>In my situation I am not the betrayer. My W still say that she loves me.. and I believe her but there were some times where I was not there for her emotionaly and therefore staged the platform for her affair to be possible. I see that now. <P>Ask your self this, Were there some things in the past that YOU weren't doing for the both of you. This is not a negative thing but if you realize your faults from the past you can learn from them and change the way you handle things. <P>Myself, I found many faults and I am now a stronger, better person than I was. Thanks to me looking at myself and changing not WHO I am but HOW I am..... Does that make sense ??<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

SD - I (and many others here) are in a similar situation. In my case, my W is having an affair but also says she loves me and wants to make the marriage "work." So agree with airheart, it does work in both directions and isn't just a male thing.<P>But to tell you the truth, I don't understand it either. I mean how a spouse can think that they can have a fulfilling marriage AND an affair at the same time. It just baffles me. Because I know from experience that when your H or W is having an affair, the intimacy (emotional and sexual) just goes completely out of the marriage. And I DON'T think you can make a marriage "work" (whatever that means!) without both sexual and emotional intimacy. This is really why affairs destroy marriages, it seems to me. Because, I don't think you can really be truly intimate with more than one person at a time. And if it's your H's affair partner, it isn't going to be you. Your H, as a betrayer, is betraying not only you but also your relationship and so, in the end, himself too.<P>As to the whole idea of "not having needs met" being the cause of many affairs, I'm not sure I really buy into that, though. MY needs aren't being met in my marriage and I'm not resorting to an affair. Other the other, I really did bend over backwards to meet ALL my W's needs, sexual and emotional - made a real effort to be romantic, to tell her how much I love her, to listen to her problems, support her career, be there for her when she needed emotional support, helped her in her work, told her how great she looks (true - which makes it easier!) and how much I love her at least a dozen (usually more) times a day, was as considerate as possible MOST of the time (except when angry at getting very little return for most of this!) Look what it got me!<P>What need is my W's OM meeting that I'm not meeting? Well, he drivers her around in his sexy convertible, I guess.<P>--Wex

Star Dazz,<BR>I'm not a male, but here is a womans point of view! <BR>The key is in your first sentence-- How can you have an affair and love the one you are married to. The affair doesn't always mean, love. My H had a Bad Brain Period for 3 years, of which I had NO clue, he treated my like gold, nothing changed in the way he treated me, he has told me also that he never stopped loving me, wanting me or needing me, I guess he proved that by not leaving in that time period, and when he decided he could not live his double life anymore, he wanted me and our life together. He swears that there was nothing wrong with me, I did nothing wrong or made him need anything. Our counselor said, There doesn't have to be a lack of something for them to have an affair, it could happen just because some one else boosts their ego, a fantisy they are fullfilling, or maybe, as I have thought, like father like son. The main thing is, that they don't set out to hurt you, but it snow balls,--- they have done it,--- how far to go before they can't handle it anymore. Sorry isn't the half of what they feel when they try to make amends. It's hard for them, they made a BIG mistake with their feelings, and we say, YOU THINK YOU ARE HURTING NOW, Buddy, you can't imagin how it feels on this end!!!! You will have LOTS of ups and downs, you are looking at it as a whole picture now, soon you will tear it all apart and want answers. Some advice, don't go to deep, don't want to know the details that will hurt you more and create visual memories that you don't need. I have been in recovery for 18mo., we have been married 30 years. We are very strong now, we are getting happy again, Lots of work, lots or tears, TIME ! Keep posting, do what feels right, but take advice from those who have been there. I have forgiven my H for the hurt he has given me, but I will never forgive him for having the affair. <P>------------------<BR>"TIME" <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited August 20, 1999).]

AH - I think you WERE lucky in one regard. At least your H treated you decently while he was having his affair. It doesn't justify it, of course, and it doesn't make the pain any less. But many times, a cheating spouse will also treat the cheated-on spouse like crap. I've read many stories here that describe this, and it happens to be my case too. My W is having her affair, wants to stay in the marriage (or says she does), and thinks that the way to make this work is treat me like crap (being hypercritical, nagging, withholding, etc., etc.) I tried a version of Plan A, which helped some, but which, basically meant, that I just had to take most of her crap without making a big fuss about it the way I used to. This did help some, but didn't really solve the problem because it didn't make her affair go away. When a betrayer treats the betrayed spouse like this, especially when the betrayed spouse KNOWS about the affair (even if the betrayer doesn't admit it) this just twists the knife. And I mean it REALLY twists it. (Who are THEY to treat US like WE'RE the ones having the affair?)<P>So, painful as it was, I do think you are fortunate in having a H who admitted his affair, gave it up and re-committed himself to you and your marriage. Frankly, I think you SHOULD forgive him his affair (not forget, of course, never forget - but forgive, forgive!)<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Thanks from the bottom of my heart for those who repsonded! Maybe I am in denial about not meeting his emotional needs (if that is the case), but after a full day of laundry,shopping,cooking,house cleaning,kids problems, bills, taking care of 4 animals...sorry but there is little time to sit and stroke his ego. Yes, I know I sound critical at this point, but I have to agree with Wex that just because emotional needs are not met on a daily basis..that you go out and have an affair! I already dug too deep and asked him everything (well almost) about the affair and I have spoken to the ow to confirm some things(the most important).<BR>Nothing he or she said could put any more hurt in my heart than finding out about the initial affair. I was a lady and did not blame her for the affair as my husband admitted that he initiated it and that I was calling her for my benefit(well I wanted her to know that I knew). She apologized and said how sorry she was and that yes it was over and I can only believe her and hope that it is. I only hope in time that I can learn to trust and believe in my husband again. I have told him (we both laughed)that I don't want him to feel as though he is in prison BUT that he is on parole and until I can fully trust AND forgive him that there are going to be rough times. I know he can't stand to see me crying, so everytime I have a "down" time I take a walk...gonna need a new pair of walking shoes before long!! <BR>Hope each of you have a "better" day and stay strong with your belief that your marriage can work.