You are all going to tell me to stop listening to things people tell me regarding my H's present perspective of ME and our marriage. I just can't help it. <p>Why is it your WS or XS has to berate, lie, make up things that are not even remotely true about you to other people?<p>What happened:
The OC (Ryan) has a bit of a temper, he is ADHD. My H was at Ry's grandmothers (where Ry stays) and Ryan did not want to go with my H for the week-end (Ry wanted to come to my house instead), so Ry pitched a fit and ran into the bedroom and locked the door on my H. So my H proceeds to say "I know how to handle this, Resilient has a temper too". <p>This is so absured. I would admit to you guys if I had a temper, I don't. I can be stubborn, yes, but have always been very passive in my actions or words in demonstrating it. This just urks me so .... ughhhh! The reason is, it's my H that has the temper, he yells and screams and has put holes in our walls several times. I can't tell you how many times I've had to patch up a wall or two, I keep a HUGE bucket of spackle on hand just for these outbursts.<p>He is lying, why? Why say such ridiculous things about me, things that are nothing like what I am. <p>As I think about it more, I ponder the idea that if anyone would have had a right to demonstrate a temper over certain bad things that were done to them by their spouse, I may have been a candidate. But my personality just isn't like that.<p>I honestly think my H is mentally derranged. I mean it.<p>I want so badly to ask him about his statement, and then remind him of his violent physical destructiveness. But what good would that do?<p>WS's ... when you were in your A, did you make up things about your spouse to make them look bad? Did you knowingly do it, or did you really believe yourselves?<p>I don't mean to offend WS, just trying to get answers.<p>Jo<p>[ November 10, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jo,<p>He is babbling..... you know it... When in the fog they get things in reverse. You know that saying about when you point your finger at someone, 3 are pointing back at you? Well maybe in the fog the WS thinks just the opposite. Can't really explain the illogic here, it is just there. <p>I am so sorry he is still bashing your character, but know this..... everyone else knows better. Even Ryan and that is where you need to concetrate your thoughts. You are expecting him to speak rationally but he is not or will not do so. Ryan's actions totally proved that this is your H's problem. How can Ryan be acting like you when you are not the biological mom? Hm.... this is one good time not to be.....see it has already backfired on him. Now if my H said that about my child, he may have a point...... I don't usually have a temper but my son does have a signs of my personality.... (poor kid) he he he.<p>Maybe you could give the WS a sock filled with old socks so that he could bite it everytime he starts to talk stupid.... <p>Hugs....
L.

Jo,
My H does the same thing...and it is awful to find out about. It really hurts.<p>When I had a situation like I had with him yesterday...he gets worse and calls me every name in the book.<p>I have tried to stand up for myself on different occasions...and that seems to backfire too.<p>Guess it reaches the point, that it doesn't matter what they say. You have to believe in yourself. I find myself getting harder and colder as the days go by. I am tired of being ripped apart for loving him. I didn't know he was having another affair. He never told me that there was a problem--I am so tired of him telling everyone about our dysfunctional relationship. He was the dysfuntion!!

What struck me the most with you post is how Ryan is acting like you. IMO, if he is apparently showing some of your [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] bad traits, then there'd be a lot of good ones coming out too! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously though, how good of a father does that make HIM look like, if HIS child doesn't want to be with him??? <p>There's no need for you to get so worked up over this. I know, it's not just this, this is just the example that happened to break the camel's back (so to speak). You already know the answer as to why your H is saying things like that. Rationalization in HIS head.<p>Kids are great, aren't they? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Jo, Jo, Jo - certainly you know the answer. OF COURSE they turn us into the bad guys - they have to to help them justify their actions and what has gone wrong since their "awakening."<p>We've all heard it.<p>At the beginning for me, I was the one who moved out, according to my wife as told to the staff in our son's pediatrician's office. "Oh, how could he hurt you like that - right after you lost your son?" was the response. They soon learned the truth from OM's W.<p>Next, I hid money that could have been spent on our deceased son's care and funeral.<p>Finally, I tried to ruin her financially by not removing her name from the mortgage. Minor premise, major conclusion. I was, of course, hoping that we'd reconcile and not need to mess with the mortgage. Now that I'm trying to refinance at the same time that I remove her name, she's not is such a hurry.<p>Need I go on?<p>No, I'm not going to tell you to stop listening to what others say he says about you and your marriage. Just the opposite - listen and take comfort that he's still trying to justify his behavior by demonizing YOU. As long as he does this, he's really on the defensive. He's still trying to fit into his "victim" suit. Too tight a fit, I'd say.