Cosmopolitan has an interesting little article on affairs this month. I don't have it with me but I was quite surprised. Cosmo tends to publish a lot of "true life" experiences from 21 year olds who supposedly have fabulous careers, glamorous nightlifes, nothing but top dollar designer clothes and are sleeping with 4 fabulous men at once (okay I believe 4 men, but they are probably beer soaked fratboys lol). I thought the article would be pro affair but it was totally the opposite. It said that (paraphrasing) "even when the woman tries to convince herself she won't get attached she usually ends up alone and brokenhearted. The bottom line is that one person is having a relationship, the other is having an affair." It also said that the 3 most common reasons for men to have affairs (and this comes as NO SURPRISE to any of us ha ha)
1. Insecurity - Men who are feeling insecure often have affairs with needy, helpless seeming women who need to be "rescued". By riding in on a white horse and "saving" these women they feel empowered.
2. Mid Life Crisis
3. Boredom - Men who have been married for many years feel bored and often have affairs with much younger women because it makes them feel virile again.

Boy that article describes my H to a T. Wish he would read this month's magazine. It would go right over his head tho. Nothing pertains to him.

Fairydust,
I've been compiling the information from the "survey of the OP", so that I can post it. To tell the truth this is what the survey says too.
I hope to get the results out tomorrow.
I wish I could send the Mag. to Daughter but anything I send would be discounted. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
Thanks for posting about the artical.

Thanks Fairydust.<p>My XH's A was #1 ... the insecurity A. <p>Nite,
Jo

God...I think mine is all three...<p>#1...I didn't admire and respect him...she was the 'princess' he rescued...<p>#2...turned 40...isn't where he wants to be careerwise, etc.<p>#3...likes all kinds of women...'bored' with me???<p>hmmm...

I'm gonna have to take issue with reason #1:<p>"Insecurity - Men who are feeling insecure often have affairs with needy, helpless seeming women who need to be "rescued". By riding in on a white horse and "saving" these women they feel empowered."<p>I would argue that this is the reason for a whole lot of relationships...at least from the male point of view. Men are taught from a very early age that they are the saviors/rescuers of women. By the same token, women are taught to wait for that "one special guy" to save/rescue them from a life alone. Almost all the literature reinforces the "white knight" notion of courtship. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but our society has thrust these roles upon us. Is it really insecurity, or just an acceptance of a role not of our choosing?

Hi trying again,<p> All three of those reasons apply to my WH as well. Except that the woman he picked to have an A is just pretending to be "saved", it turns out that she is a real manipulator that has several boyfriends that my H knows nothing about. She also slept with an instructor at a training session for her job to get the answers for an exam that she had to take, I learned this from a coworker of hers, and I can't even tell my husband for fear of it getting this other girl in trouble! Why are men so gullible! Anyone have any ideas on how I can let him find out about this stuff I know w/o it biting me in the b*tt?

Hi trying again,<p> All three of those reasons apply to my WH as well. Except that the woman he picked to have an A is just pretending to be "saved", it turns out that she is a real manipulator that has several boyfriends that my H knows nothing about. She also slept with an instructor at a training session for her job to get the answers for an exam that she had to take, I learned this from a coworker of hers, and I can't even tell my husband for fear of it getting this other girl in trouble! Why are men so gullible! Anyone have any ideas on how I can let him find out about this stuff I know w/o it biting me in the b*tt?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cjack:
<strong>I'm gonna have to take issue with reason #1:<p>"Insecurity - Men who are feeling insecure often have affairs with needy, helpless seeming women who need to be "rescued". By riding in on a white horse and "saving" these women they feel empowered."<p>I would argue that this is the reason for a whole lot of relationships...at least from the male point of view. Men are taught from a very early age that they are the saviors/rescuers of women. By the same token, women are taught to wait for that "one special guy" to save/rescue them from a life alone. Almost all the literature reinforces the "white knight" notion of courtship. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but our society has thrust these roles upon us. Is it really insecurity, or just an acceptance of a role not of our choosing?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>But in an inordinate amount of these relationships the MM chooses a woman to have an affair with who is especially needy, with a bulging freight car full of baggage. X OW in our case was always crying to him about how hard it was to be a single Mom and how she never had any money and "If only she could find a nice guy like him" and her boyfriends always treated her badly yada yada. When my H was in his normal frame of mind he referred to women like that as "life ruiners" who would only drag you down and give you misery. In his altered, depressed state he saw himself as having the "power" to save her and it gave him a rush for awhile. Our relationship was not based on "Oh my life is so awful if only I had a big strong man like you to rescue me." If I had acted like that when we met there never would have been a second date. He would have run and changed his phone number. But we didn't meet when he was suffering from depression and a mid life crisis.

Very interesting. "A" definitely applies to my H. He told me that OW, "Needed him, she was going through some tough times" (her grandmother was sick and dying- well when my grandmother passed away he was concerned, but definitely not that much). I am a very independent woman, and I think it fed his ego to have some one to rescue.

Ugh, almost too much truth there. Makes me wanna go bash the OM's teeth in. He's all three - an insecure, mid-life crisis, bored in his marriage loser who couldn't possibly care less about anything other than his own pleasure. <p>"It's just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up." -Limp Bizkit

My x's last EA was definitely both #1 and #2.<p>He told me that this other woman was single and had two small children and no one to help her and her life was hard. That he felt sorry for her. That he hadn't been happy in a long time and he now had a chance at happiness. It might turn out to be illusive but he had to take this chance.<p>Did it bother him that he was doing to his children the same thing that had been done to hers? That he was doing the same thing to me?<p>Yup, it bothered him but it didn't stop him.<p>And my children think that it's nice that there wasn't a girlfriend and it's all I can do, even after 6 years, to not tell them that there were several - he just never went to the physical level.

My wife said that om had problems in his divorce ,
his wife was racking him over the coals. She listened to him cry and then she would relate to him her problems in her marriage . Well he said
we have to get you out of that marriage you are being mistreated.It aint fair you poor women . I told my ws that he was making sure he was taken care of , he had his own method to his madness. Ws
said oh no he is only thinking about her and her needs he isnt even thinking about himself. Now she says that they have been looking for each other since they were born . And a question comes up . Why would a ws talk to almost a stranger about the problems they are having in their marriage but they wouldnt talk to their spouses about it ?

I have that article, I found it very interesting. The very last sentence says, "usually its the women that ends up heartbroken and feeling used." Hit home. Maybe that's why so many of the women have such a hard time accepting when the affair is over.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Colfax Bear:
<strong>Why would a ws talk to almost a stranger about the problems they are having in their marriage but they wouldnt talk to their spouses about it ?</strong><hr></blockquote><p> That's an easy one. The stranger only knows the WS side of it. When that stranger also happens to be romantically interested in the WS she/he certainly isn't going to disagree with anything the WS says, or urge counseling or anythign like that. Instead they will stroke the WS ego, tell him/her that he/she is 100% correct and the BS is 100% wrong etc. They will often encourage any feelings of marital disatisfaction the WS may have. I know that for a fact, first hand. When I was still living with H before we got married there was a guy I worked with (briefly dated before meeting H) who made no secret of the fact that he wanted us to be together. If I made the tiniest comment such as "H forgot to take out the trash last night" he jumped all over it. "How can he treat you that way? If you were with me I'd never take forget to take out the trash. How long are you going to stay in this kind of situation when you deserve so much better?" Of course I was in a healthy state of mind and was quite aware of what he was doing. But take a depressed, stressed of life crisis person, start pointing out how bad their marriage is on a daily basis it might have a different outcome. That guy was trying to be my savior, but I didn't need or want one.

Hey FireFly,<p>My XH's OW is also pretending to be needy and needs to be saved. She has lived solo for her entire adult life (she's 44) and now she needs someone to save her and help her.<p>I'm sorry and don't mean to be disrespectful, but my XH is not a very smart man. I think sex has blinded the part of his brain that detects a conspicuous sham or obvious snare.<p>Jo

Thanks for the interesting highlights of that article.<p>Boy, all three apply to my H as well, #2 being triggered by the death of his dad three years ago.
Am I hearing that &#8220;stronger women&#8221; are often the BS, because WS is busy rescuing someone else? I&#8217;ve always tried to be self-sufficient and have kinda known that that is a problem. I always wanted to be considerate of my H and not bother him with things that might affect his work. Turns out he didn&#8217;t think I cared. I have wanted to be needy at times but refused to make myself that way as I thought it would be both a turn-off to him and I&#8217;d be disgusted with myself.<p>From what he says, it sounds like he wants to be rescued now at times but still has given me an ultimatum and sometimes I think he has just set me up to fail. I am the BS. I am in my own fog of confusion so often. I&#8217;m still very sad at times at just the thought that he would even be able to have an A.
Mikkey

My H just loves those needy women, he loves to be their savior, My question that I'd really like an answer to is: How does one meet the emotional needs of a person who has affairs w/ needy women? Specifically, how would the Harleys look at this? I have done the EN questionnare and feel like I meet all his EN but obviously this one is not in there. Or would it be under "appreciation" or something like that? I'd like to figure this one out. Do I need to become needy? Is that the answer? I sure would like some thoughts on this area. thanks, Carmen