D-Day 8/15/01. W supposedly ended EA with OM on 8/19. We have been to two MC's and neither have been of any help to my W. She just cannot get past the negative feelings. I have been doing the plan A thing but I can't see much happening. It's like I'm not even there. She says she feels nothing. My wife asked our second MC if what she was feeling (cold, no emotions at all) was normal. He said "Yes, somewhat...you are going through disassociation...This is what your mind does to you when you have gone through a traumatic experience". <p>I don't understand why he cannot help her to get through this!?! My God, what kind of MC is he???<p>Is this something that she has to get through on her own or would an IC help her in this situation. This is what my IC recommended I suggest to my W. She says she will go to see somebody but hasn't made too much progress in getting an appointment. <p>Have any of you been through this before WS's or BS's? Has the IC helped the situation? <p>I need something to give me some hope here.

Hi, <p>How much of the info on this site have you read? There is no such thing as a quick fix. These things take time to create and time to heal. The healing will take many dimensions before you are in a better place. <p>Before you chalk up all these MCs as not helpful, have they provided any insight at all? Have they helped you and your W identify any issues? <p>I understand your feelings and need of getting all this taken cared of. A pill will not magically fix all of this. <p>If you can, read the info here. I or someone else can send you a welcome package. Some of the other tools here are phone counseling sessions with Steve Harley or Jennifer C. <p>You may be in a state of shock, trying to understand. Your W may be in a state of confusion over her feelings and situation. <p>This is all very stressful for all parties involved. The other fact is that your lives do not stop and everyday activities (with children, work, family, finances, etc.) still go on. How they go on is the key. <p>For now step back and breathe a little. Let yourself know that you are not alone in this type of scenario, there are ways for you to deal with it, with or without your W's cooperation. Beaware that her opinions and moods can change, just as yours can. Things are very vulnerable right now. What looks good this minute can be bad the next and so on. <p>Do some reading. The books Surviving an Affair and his needs/her needs are good to start with. <p>Hope this info helps.
L.

Dear Orchid, <p>Thanks for the reply. I have read just about everything on this site. I have also printed it out so that my wife could read it. I've also read HNHN and 7 principals of Marriage (Gottman). She says she doesn't get much out of reading things, she has to feel it, but it's like she won't let me fulfill her EN's. <p>She says that se doesn't understand why she doesn't feel like trying and quite frankly I don't understand either. I do not expect her to forget the way I treated her, I have begun to work on myself by seeing an IC and by not being disrespectful or LB'ing in other ways. I have been very emotional however, quite frequently crying in front of her and the kids. I am on anti-depressants and they seem to be working but sometimes just the thought of losing my whole life and feeling as though I have no control just destroys me. Is crying or sobbing around a WS a form of LB'ing should I try to find some other place to process the pain?<p>I am not familiar with what one is but I'd like to receive a welcome package. <p>I will say this...I have a great deal of comfort knowing that there are people here that have had similar experiences and can share their advice. <p>Thanks for your reply.<p>WW4L

Hi,<p>If one doesn't reach you by this evening, I will send one when I get home. First of all, you are doing good, you are on the right track. <p>Nothing in life is guaranteed but you do have some control of the direction you choose for yourself and your family. Right now, your W may not want to be a part of that choice. <p>Have you both taken the emotional needs questionnaire? There are several H's out there whose W's have taken similar paths. A few couples post here also. If you get a chance, look up SEM and Keep Smiling. They are a H/W team where KS was the WS. You may find her info helpful. <p>As far as an H crying? I would like to see my H cry. But I am the BS. So let's keep your post up front. <p>L.

Hi, <p>Sorry it took so long. Here is the welcome package:<p> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html <p>Here is the URL listing:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html <p>plan A info:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html <p>plan B info:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html <p>How are you doing today? Hope this info helps.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thanks Orchid, I appreciate it greatly.<p>WW4L

Hi,<p>How are you doing? Let us know. If you want to start a new thread with a new question, go ahead. As to why your W has abnormal feelings or reactions? This is pretty typical WS reaction. <p>See how weird the WS is? Not normal in their behavior and attitude. That is why it is important that the BS have some sort of guidance and understanding throughout this process. <p>You may be tested to your limits. Read the stuff here. Talk to Steve or Jennifer as needed. Keep an open and clear mind along with a calm heart. You can help bring your W out of the fog, but she needs to work with you. When she does not, you will know and from what you read and post here, we can help you by sharing our ideas and experiences. Mind you we are not 'professional', we are just people going through the same nightmare, just in a different house. <p>Welcome to Affair Nightmare.com. Isn't that a horrible thought? Well for most of us here, it is for real. The whole time we still have to keep functioning in the real world while dealing with this 'stuff'. So hang tuff in there with us. Take a look at other's posts you will find a number of H's in the same boat as you. Know that you will hit periods of frustration. Then you will be prepared. You will survive. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

I think (in my most non-professional opinion) that individual counseling can be helpful IF your W wants to try it. Just like it's impossible to fully listen to the tv and the radio at the same time, it's sometimes hard to be completely honest in the presence of a loved one in this type of situation---fear of hurting more, not wanting to admit certain things. Also an IC will only have to work on one patient at a time...allowing W to concentrate on her issues and feelings. <p>JMTCW.