I need some advice. I married my beautiful wife back in 1995 after a 3 year romance. Life was perfect. At Christmas 1996 my wife suffered an ectopic pregnancy and lost the ability to conceive naturally - IVF was the only way forward. We both were keen to have kids so we had a go at that. However it wasn't successful and we both became increasingly disappointed. I have always wanted kids - more than my wife - so she kept saying that I should go and find someone who could do that for me. However I assured her that I hadn't married her for her child bearing qualities alone! Our life together was perfect whatever. <p>Then out of the blue I goofed up. I went on a works day out and got really drunk with a load of my work mates. On the journey back I was sitting with two friends - Mark and Helen. The 3 of us had become close over the previous months and enjoyed each others company. To cut a long story short Mark and I both had a few drunken snogs with Helen. I instantly felt guilty and stopped as soon as I realised that this wasn't what I wanted. They then went on to have an affair of which I disapproved. I was filled with guilt from that point on as up to that point I had advocated that fidelity was everything so I had violated my own morals. I procrastinated over whether I should confess my mistake to my wife for ages and decided almost a year later that I should do so and that things would be ok. At the time I thought it best to tell her that I had only snogged Helen once that day - wanting to play down the mistake - as I guessed she was hurt but she forgave me. <p>Problem is that 2 years down the line I can't let go of what I did because I feel guilty about not telling her I kissed Helen several times on that trip. We now have a beautiful adopted baby and I feel how can I teach my son about honesty when I haven't been so with his mother. I don't want to hurt her again and I'm frightened to tell the truth in case she leaves me and I lose my son. Our relationship hasn't changed a great deal, and I don't want to hurt it. Problem is I don't want to feel this guilt for the rest of my life so how do I get over it? I know what happened is really trivial in the big picture but it's important enough for me to have spent 3 years deliberating over it.

Okay, I'm going to assume from the context that "snog" means kissing, but of course that could be wrong. Also, I'm going to assume that it was just the one day with Helen, albeit kissing her several times.<p>It would not have mattered much, had you told your wife one kiss vs. however many or long it actually was. Again assuming it was not the peck-on-the-cheek variety, then (from a BS perspective) I think it's the number of "sessions" that counts.<p>If your wife has forgiven you 2 years ago, and you have been faithful since then, it should be okay. You must keep reassuring her, and prove to her that you're being faithful and will continue to be faithful. That goes on forever. It's as much to reassure you as it is for her benefit.<p>You describe it as a mistake with no followup emotional attachment. If that's true, and it doesn't happen again, then you should be okay with your wife.<p>I'm glad the adoption worked out for you. Me and my wife have 3 kids by intrauterine insemination. When we found out that we couldn't conceive the normal way, I suggested adoption but my wife did not want to. Too expensive, too long, and too many people that we knew had it go wrong. So I'm happy that it worked for you.<p>Are you really afraid that your wife would leave if you went back and "clarified" what happened with Helen? If that's a real possiblity, then perhaps there are other things to work on in your marriage. Other things going on? Anyway, I would not tell her more stuff about Helen. I would spend the effort on making sure that she feels loved, and addressing any other issues in your marriage.<p>- Tom

Hello Robert,<p> Most of the replies you get here will be advising you to tell her. I don't disagree with that. <p> My advise is simply. Either do it and get on the road to recovery, and making up to your wife all over again. Or, don't do it and then forget about it altogether. Give it up to God.<p> Hasn't this been going on in your relationship long enough? Either do it, or don't. Then get over it. <p> jd

If you've done the basic reading on here, then you've probably come across the "radical honesty" section. Unfortunately, you are dealing with the results of not following it (not that you were familiar with MB at that time).<p>It was a very noble act of you, to tell your W what occurred. I commend you on that. That must have been extremely difficult on you and your W... but certainly easier on your W as opposed to her finding out about it on her own (by accident, or whatever).<p>Your answer lies in your initial post. You already know that in order to relieve yourself of the guilt of not telling the entire truth, you must tell the entire truth to your W. Yes, it will hurt her. How she reacts will only be known after you tell her.<p>If you choose not to tell her, there will be a gradual demise in your M. There is no way that your W knows what is troubling you when you're thinking about your A. She could very easily interpret your sadness as something SHE did. That is not entirely the case. She may withdraw from you more, as you withdraw from her.<p>Getting it all out in the open will be difficult. The sooner you do it, the better. Because the sooner you can both move forward.<p>There are many on here who will offer you advice.. but with today being a holiday in Canada and the U.S., there may not be much happening on the board today (and it's always slow on weekends too).<p>Keep on posting with vents, views, and questions as you feel you need to. And congratulations on your new son! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Tom, JD and Karen. Thank you for your advice. What I'm concerned over is if I tell the complete truth, will I definitely get over my feelings of guilt. Afterall I feel like I have committed a crime not only against my wife but against myself. I feel that one possible outcome of being completely honest is that my wife - who I adore - will never look at me in the same light and that I will still feel guilty. If I leave things as they are - her ignorance is her bliss and the only person who gets hurt is me. Maybe I deserve that? <p>I know that my wife's view of kissing/snogging is quite liberal as she had a fairly "active" youth - which we have discussed - but as she reminds me - she had nothing to lose by playing the field. I had had far less relationship experience in comparison before we got married.

Hi Robert McD,
Hmmm... going around feeling guilty for something you did 3 years ago makes no sense to me! Could it be that you are having trouble forgiving yourself?<p>I think you should just forgive yourself, pray and ask God to forgive you, then ask God to help your wife forgive you, then tell her you lied and it has been bothering you and you wanted her to know the truth is that there was a whole lot of snogging going on not just one and you hope she can forgive you. There. Sounds pretty easy, huh? I'm sure it will be okay. I think you have been beating yourself up long enough.<p>You sound like your marriage is strong enough to withstand the truth. Go for it! OH, and don't forget to let us know how it worked out.<p>Maybe you could print this article, share it with your wife and tell her that based on what you have read in the article, you have something about your past that you wish to clarify. I think she will be okay with it--YOU'RE the one who has been making yourself miserable!<p>The Policy of Radical Honesty<p>In this article, it talks about dishonesty as being a lovebuster that destroys the love you have between you. THAT is why dishonesty is one of our worst enemies in marriage. The truth sets us free! (free from guilt and shame and deceit and betrayal)

Thank you everyone for your advice so far - you've convinced me of something that I've always known that honest is the best policy. <p>However, I do have a problem with forgiving myself - if I tell my wife the truth, how can I be certain that I won't just replace my guilt about being dishonest with guilt about what really happened and putting my wife through hurt again? Plus her realising that the situation was more "involved." I will be giving her more info which no doubt she will remember for ever - even if she does forgive me. I'm worried that whatever I do - I'll still feel guilty.<p>Also - when is the right time to confess? She's about to go away for a few days with our son to her folks. I don't think telling her the truth is right just before we're about to be apart for a week. If anything I need to tell her when I know I can follow up with a lot of reassurance. What do you think?<p>Rob