Good morning all,<p>Nothing new to report. I found out my W filed on 10/27. She told me on 11/3. I have yet to be served. <p>Yesterday was my aunt's funeral. My W had left to drop our daughter off at daycare and go to work. She called from her cell to ask me a question. A few minutes later she called again to ask if I wanted her to go to the funeral. I said "No, you're already on your way to work". She said she was still at daycare. I said "No, that's all right". I got out of the shower and was surprised to see her sitting on the bed sewing a button on her skirt. Before she left, she asked me again if I wanted her to go to the funeral. I said "No thank you, but I appreciate it". I didn't want an already difficult situation to be more uncomfortable. I'm puzzled that she offered to go.
I'm not sure if I handled it correctly.<p>Anyway, I've go to get going on severing the financial ties. I've got to cancel the credit cards and get the house appraised to we can sell it ASAP. The sooner we sell the house, the sooner I can plan B, which I'm very much ready for. Also, I really need to retain a lawyer. <p>Thankgiving is another problem. We haven't talked about it, but obviously we won't be celebrating the day together. I'm sure she'll want to take our daughter with her, as will I. Maybe we can flip a coin.<p>Oh well, just needed to ramble.<p>sad dad

You were disrespectful sad, you told her what to do, instead of answering the question, and you owe her an apology for that. In addition you discounted whatever feelings she had for aunt. Maybe she wanted to go, and felt you would be uncomfortable (and is your call, your aunt, guess that is how life works... huh?). You had an opportunity to talk about feelings (and not be directly about you and her), you had a chance to do something together, and you blew her off. If this is indicative of many of the interactions in your marriage, could be food for thought.<p>IMO responding with the truth would have been best....maybe I am not sure w, do you want to go? I have no objection, I will feel a little uncomfortable cause of our circumstances. Are you asking just to be supportive of me? If so, I appreciate it, but will be ok. If you really feel like you want to go (for whatever reason), that would be ok with me too. Either way, you decide wife, I don't want to decide for you. I wonder if you two (like so many) have had a hard time over the years being emotionally honest, and whether that has contributed to the marital failure. If so, and if you fit and want each other otherwise, that is fixable. As you enter this new phase there will be opportunities to be more honest, the urge will be to clam up emotionally/defensive/conceal, I suggest the opposite, be honest at all times, even when it hurts, or puts you at risk (remember I suggested telling her about your fears re daughter in a divorce). Each phase of a marital dissolution contains opportunity, even seperation, even divorce, it is never really over till one of you remarries, or knows beyond a shadow of a doubt you would never live intimately with this person again.

Hi SD- glad you posted an update- I've been really thinking about you lately and know youre having a hard time of things. Sorry to hear of the loss of your aunt- you are having so many losses all together lately- I hope you are Plan A-ing yourself! Has your lawyer advised you on when to start separating your finances? Be sure to follow his or her advice before you take action on your own. The process server must be having trouble finding you- I was served less than 48 hrs after H filed on me. He told the attorney the best places to find me. That must be nerve-wracking waiting for the knock on the door. At least I didnt have advance warning on mine. Do you think your W may be having second thoughts about her decision to file on you? Or do you think she just is starting to feel the guilt that she has caused your family to break up? Take care SD!lifeismessy

snl,<p>"You were disrespectful sad, you told her what to do, instead of answering the question"<p>I did not tell her what to do. She asked if "I" wanted her to go and my answer was "no".<p>"IMO responding with the truth would have been best....maybe I am not sure w, do you want to go? I have no objection, I will feel a little uncomfortable cause of our circumstances. Are you asking just to be supportive of me? If so, I appreciate it, but will be ok. If you really feel like you want to go (for whatever reason), that would be ok with me too. Either way, you decide wife, I don't want to decide for you." <p>I told her the truth, I didn't want her to go. I probably should have told her why, but she was already out the door. Maybe I do owe her an expanation "why". However, if she wanted to go, for whatever reason, she had all weekend to tell me. Instead of asking if I wanted her to go and making the decision mine, she could have said something like "I'd like to go to your aunt's funeral to pay my respects". It would have been nice if she had offered some comfort and support, but she waited until she had already left for work to even bring it up. Radical honesty works both ways. I know that you've been honest with your W, but most WS's are not. Sometimes I think you fail to see how difficult that is for a BS to deal with. <p>lim, <p>I don't know if it's guilt or what. I think that she may have delayed it in light of what's happened this past week. At least I'd like to think so. Who know's? I do worry that every time my office door opens it will be a process server.
Finding me would not be difficult. Maybe I'll hold off on separating the finances until I'm served and retain a lawyer.<p>sad dad<p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

snl,<p>I've been thinking about what you said about being emotionally honest. Prior to the past year I think I always was. My W on the other hand was not. Maybe I made that difficult for her, or maybe that's just the way she is. I think we need to talk about some things, my aunt's funeral, when I can expect to be served, my reasons for hiring a P.I. last week, etc. Maybe she will follow my lead if I open up a little bit. It's been hard for me to be honest with her when she's been so dishonest with me.<p>lim,<p>I'm still puzzled as to why my W waited a week to tell me that she filed and why I haven't been served yet. It's been 2-1/2 weeks. I'm not sure if I should bring it up. I've got an appointment with Steve tomorrow. I haven't talked to him since she told me she filed. I'll keep you updated.<p>sad dad

sad..."No, you're already on your way to work". <p>snl...Maybe I am splitting hairs, but I heard more than "no".... I heard no + you go on to work wife.<p>I hear ya, how you would have liked this to all come down, but as you know I deal in reality (well, much as I can). It may not have been a great opportunity, but it was an opportunity, it is soooooooooo hard to step out of expectations sad, I know, I really do. But that is what sets us free, when we act like who we are, and irrespective of how others act, not easy, I fail all the time, but it is the goal, and at least now I know when I screw up. I don't know what is in your wifes mind, and maybe this was a whole lot of nothing, but right now you are looking for any little chance...right? To affect the outcome you want, so it makes no sense to be defensive ya know? Anyways was just my 2 cents. <p>Yes I am radically honest (pretty much anyways, but it is hard, I gaurd some cause my w has demonstrated I can't trust her completely..... it was really hard at first, cause when I got trounced, after being vulnerable/honest it hurt like hell, and I was just one word shy of violent reactions, but I have gotten better, no expectations, and honesty is very very healthy for it's own sake..... my advice, do it, be radically honest all the time, until it is a habit, a way of life..... if you marry another someday it will be the basis of your love.

snl,<p>Just wanted to give you a little background in case you didn't read one of my threads from last week. Last week was the 10th anniversary of my father's death. My aunt that passed away lived with my mom who is in mid stage alzheimers, partly as a companion and partly to keep an eye on her. My sisters and I had been planning to put our mom in a alzheimers/assisted living home after the holidays. The thought of this is very traumatic to all of us, but we thought we had some time.<p>I was there with my aunt at the hospital and basically saw her dying. She was never married and had no children, no will, no power of attorney and had made no provisions for this day. A majority of the arrangements fell on my shoulders (I don't know why, because I was there I guess). So between my W filing for D, the anniversary of my dad's death, my aunt dying, having to plan a funeral and having to expedite our plans for our mother, I had a hell of a week. Part of me wanted to turn to my W for support and part of me wanted to deal with this on my own since it's something I'm going to have to get used to doing. I wish my W would have reached out to help me, but she didn't, at least not until the last possible minute. I wasn't angry at her, but she really caught me off guard. I was surprised when she called and even more surprised when she came home. My W hasn't seen my sister's in 6 months and they know what's going on. I really just wanted to avoid making a very uncomfortable situation worse for everyone.<p>I just wanted you to know that this was more than just my aunt dying. Sorry for the lengthly explanation.<p>sad dad

Dear SDAd,<p>I am sorry you had to carry the burden of your family. As far as telling your W 'no', you're ok. <p>Under other circumstances? That is your option. Of course the WS would like you to act perfect all the time. It was your aunt and chose not to have to deal with her at this time. That is your choice. Respectful, disrespectful is an opinion. <p>Would be nice if you could put our feelings aside for everytime she wanted something and not have any regard for yourself. Right, now who is being disrespectful? Ok. Snl gave an opinion and now I am giving mine. <p>IMHO, you are ok by what you told your W. Maybe she was feeling the need to support you and thought her continual requests was doing just that. Well, if that is the reason, then she would equally understand your refusal. You can make sure you let her know that is the reason. <p>If it is a setup to be used against you at a later date, then it would be better not to have allowed her to manipulate you. Either way, you still are ok. <p>Keep moving forward, so she can see you in the forefront and be able to strive forward for her family. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid,<p>"Maybe she was feeling the need to support you and thought her continual requests was doing just that"<p>I could have used her support a few days earlier.
By the time she offered it, I had already dealt with everything. It was like someone falling overboard and then holding out a hand to help once they have one foot back in the boat. I think it was more an attempt on her part to relieve herself of the guilt of not being there for me, among other things. That may not be fair to her, but she waited until the last possible minute. To tell you the truth, her being there would not have helped. We would have had to play the part of a happy couple, and under the circumstances I just didn't want to do that.<p>sad dad<p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Dear Sdad,<p>I understand. <p>L.

snl,<p>I followed your suggestion and sent my W an email today. I made it short and sweet:<p>"I want to thank you for offering to go to my aunt's funeral. You caught me by surprise. I appreciated it, but under the circumstances I thought it would be uncomfortable." <p>I also said I want to talk about Thanksgiving and who will have our daughter. She said we'll talk tonight.<p>sad dad

sounds good to me, how did YOU feel though about doing this......myself, I find such things liberateing cause then I am doing as I think best and not reacting to someone else.

snl,<p>I'm glad I sent it. I really did appreciate her asking because at least she acknowledged that I was having a rough time and was willing to put herself in an awkward situation for my sake. Some WS's might be oblivious to it.<p>sad dad