Hi everybody,
My first post so forgive errors etc please.
Just a brief history....my wife is having a long distance affair (180 miles)with an old lover from way back prior to our marriage. From reading the MB website I realise that we have had
compatability problems for quite a while,not the least caused by her fond memories of the OM....I have always felt that there were 3 people in our marriage-we two and him-and this has proved to be the case.<p>My wife actively sought his whereabouts for 4 years until she tracked him down. She told me quite suddenly one morning that she was meeting him as an "old friend". I reacted badly and said that if she did then I would leave. Bad move,I know but I had no "tools" to work the situation until I found MB.
She took my hastily spoken words as a license to meet the guy and have the inevitable sex.<p>This has only occurred once but it is only the distance,lack of money and opportunity that makes more contact difficult.They cannot speak on the telephone easily because I see all the bills etc.(there is of course pay phones!)<p>I am implementing Plan A at light speed and there has been progress.We get on well now and do fun things etc and my wife has moved back into the bedroom after a 4 week period sleeping in the spare room. She says she loves me and we are supposed to be trying to mend the marriage but her body language does not match the words.
Last weekend she volunteered(without prompting from me)not to see the OM again but come monday I saw an outgoing call on her cell phone and an incoming from the OM. A relapse. This is the second relapse.<p>I sense she is torn between lust,passion etc and her genuine feelings for me.<p>My next move is to have the honesty discussion and follow the rules suggested on this site but I don't know how to guarantee that she won't contact him yet again and the whole routine of her depression at not being in contact and then euphoria at any renewed contact begins again. My wife cannot easily hide her emotions and I can read any sitution fairly well.<p>question:Could any of you good folk offer me any guidance here?<p>Question:Should I expose the OM to his unknowing (I believe) wife and thereby bring things to a head and put pressure on the OM to end the affair? I really do not want to give his wife and family the same pain that I am going thru'- is this any sort of a solution?

Byron<p>I feel you do need to inform OM wife. She probaly has some idea but just not sure. I told my WH that I was going to find OW husband and I did just that. You might want to tell her before the fact.<p>You can not guarantee no contact, you can only hope. It probobly will go on for a while. Most do. This is called fence sitting. Plan A her and really work on changing yourself at this time.<p>Get her talking about anything and if she wants to talk about the A let her. It is very hard not to ask ? but if you can don't. It is a major LB. Read everything on this site and get Harley's book SAA. It will help guide you and you will understand the fog and the way they are thinking. (they don't think) it is a fantasy that they do not want to end.<p>Come here to vent and stay strong. One day at a time.<p>
SLH

B,<p> This question comes up often so I'll reference the post from last time http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=003299 <p>
Good Luck
HI

It is my belief that his wife should know. While you say that you do not want to bring her the same pain you are feeling, she has the right to know what is going on in her life. Then she can make an informed decision as to what she wants to do.<p>I can tell you that if it were me, I would want you to tell me.<p>Z

B<p>I forgot. Welcome. I am sorry for your pain. We are here to help you along your journey to rebuild you M.<p>
SLH

Hi again guys 'n'gals,<p>Thanx so much for the input. I'll delay my decision until we have a full-on honesty discussion and see what transpires.<p>B

You could send the OM's W the SAA book anonymously. <p>Jo

A lot of people advised me against contacting OM W. These annoying calls with number blocked kept coming in & I talked with some guy & he gave name I never heard of -- I did not have composure to ask what is was about. I came back & said she was not available & he just hung up!! that was it for me!
For me, my DW was back home with parents -- she assured me it was over, so if that is the case, why do they favor OM's feelings, situation over ours?
I agree that it could be LB -- I for one am glad I made contact -- I think it is important to show some courage -- backbone to stand up a speak up. I found the OW was suspious, but also had her doubts -- evidence is very helpful! May be initial denial thing. She was not upset though & ACTUALLY VERY CALM & THANKFUL FOR THE CALL. In my case it sounded like this was not a new occurance for her. I think if OM had thoughs of re-connecting, that certainly helps drown the fire!
My DW quoted -- "Anything is fair in love & war!"
If our respective WS are going to leave us, they'll do it whether we call or not.
It took me 4 - 5 hours of talking on night of D/D before my W confessed names -- She said she did not really care for the guys -- evidence that it is a sacred cow they want to protect!
Like somone else said & I said the same thing when I called OM W, if it were me, I would sure want to know!
My $.02 worth,
HH

Hi,<p>I do believe in telling your spouses lovers spouse after all has failed. But...be careful. Most likely by making contact prior to making every attempt to save the situation will only cause a major explosion and you will end up suffering or losing it all. If plan A and B fail and there is no real hope you either accept that your not married anymore or drop the A-bomb and make the contact. The reality is that by doing this, you are only really seeking justice.