Last night I finally delivered my
Plan B letter, after a few weeks of procrastination. She was sitting in the darkened dining room, on the phone with an OM, when I gave her the letter, so we didn't talk about it until this morning. She's concerned about the money, but is not begging me to stay or anything like that. Not that I expected it. She is like a combination mid-life crisis/walkaway wife, and it may very well be too late to save our marriage. She's just not interested in trying anymore.<p>I left it open in the letter which of us moves out, so I did not work out all of the details ahead of time. I collected some information but did not make any arrangements yet. My wife would prefer that I move out and leave the kids behind. Now I have to move pretty fast. Her
sister has been staying with us for a few weeks now, and I guess that would continue. <p>There is a point of contention about how much time the kids spend with each of us during the separation. I telecommute, and I can find an apartment in the same school district, so there is no reason it can't be 50/50. We can make the changeover each week at Sunday School, without direct contact. I feel it's best for the kids if we can do joint custody. My wife thinks I should be "involved" but only during waking hours or occasional weekends. But I can't accept that. I've made career choices for several years, that enable me to spend more time at home. She's the one who wants to dissolve the family. I should not have to give up my role or rights. She talks about "what's best for the kids" but, I don't see how she can argue against 50/50.<p>My wife worries more about money than I do, and wants to make sure the bills are paid. She does not have a job right now. I tried to explain, without LB, that she must go back to work and will have to work within a defined payment schedule, both during plan B and after a divorce. I won't simply be covering the bills. She was asking if I planned to drain and/or close our joint accounts, i.e., to "screw" her. I'm not. But it occurs to me that we should cancel our joint credit cards, and that I should stop the direct deposit of my paycheck into our joint account. The credit card will be a hardship for her. She doesn't spend profligately, but it will be harder for her to get her own card without a job.<p>The sister who is staying with us filed for spousal support earlier this week. My wife wants to go down to the magistrate tomorrow, together, and file for a hearing date on spousal support. In Pennsylvania, there is no legal separation status, but a spouse can file for child support and spousal support payments if the other moves out. It takes a couple months to get a hearing date, and in the meantime, the owed money accrues. Before a divorce settlement, the temporary support is strictly by formula, so there is little point in not paying it before the hearing. You can calculate the amounts from several different web sites. The sister's husband is not cooperating at all, and my wife has some concern that I might try to do the same thing. But really, there are only two variables - whether my wife goes back to work, and how many "overnights" the kids spend with each of us. At a final divorce settlement, the fact of adultery may, or may not, enter into the alimony determination. It's up to the judge. <p>Anyway, I'm inclined to file for the hearing date as my wife wishes, and in the meantime provide the financial support as specified in the state formula. But only if my wife agrees to equal time with our kids, and only if she goes back to work. Otherwise, just let the amounts accrue and pay it later.<p>Another thing is that, of course, she doesn't want our kids, her family, my family, our friends, or anyone else to be told any reasons besides "it's not working out". Her two sisters know there are problems, but they don't know she's been unfaithful. This is a double-edged sword. I've had some pretty serious problems with pornography. If anyone asks me, I'm not going to lie, but maybe I'll say something like "we've both sinned sexually, and there are other problems in the relationship." I want people to know that I'm trying, and my wife isn't right now. I especially don't want my parents and our kids to think I'm giving up because "things just aren't working out." Maybe this isn't the time yet. I think people can figure out what's going on, anyway. Even her sisters. My wife stays out past midnight 2 or 3 days a week, and then shortly after D-day she warned all her friends that I was a jerk for checking her email, and not to send sensitive messages to her by email. Presumably, most people can connect the dots. My kids have met at least one of the OMs, and despite their young ages I think they will figure it out as well.<p>She tells me that her family won't care and won't ask about the details. I'm not sure that's true or not. Nobody likes her sister's husband, the one who is not supporting his wife. But most of her family thinks more highly of me. I'm just not sure what to expect, but I feel that I should have some answers ready.<p>I've been in telephone counseling with Steve Harley since July. My wife only talked to him once and has refused since then. Today, she said she was offended at the things he told her, that he spent too much time selling himself, and that he wasn't interested in her side. I know the last point is not correct; Steve did collect some important information from her, and in our next session he made it pretty clear some of the things I've been doing wrong. So I think it's a case of hearing what she wanted to hear, coupled with defensiveness, but this could be another obstacle to recovery if we get that far. Steve's helped me a lot and I have confidence in him.<p>This has gotten pretty long. Let me try and summarize the questions buried in here:
- What are the pros and cons of telling people the "real" reasons for a separation in plan B?
- Is it reasonable to insist on 50/50 time with our kids during plan B? To play hardball on spousal support if my wife won't go along with that?
- Anything else in my rambling that doesn't sound right?
<p>Thanks for any comments or reactions, they always help.<p>- Tom
