I caught my wife having an affair with somebody she works with. Since I did my own investigating I am not sure she would of ever of told me. Well to make a long story short we are taking some time away from each other. She said she is unhappy where she is at in her life and she needs her space. We are both going to counceling but we go seperate from each other. I want the marriage to work but right now she wants out of the marriage. Will the seperation from her make her change her mind? Or once it is made up it is made up? She is unhappy in her life right now and she choose me to blame for it.
The hard part is that I moved out and staying with my brother and sister in law. What bothers me even more is every night after work she goes out with her co-workers. I think she is just seeing this as her free time to do whatever. I don't think she is making an effort what so ever towards the relationship. The question is how long do I keep trying this seperation thing with seeing no improvements from her? I have told myself if I don't see any thing at all in four weeks that I think I am going to have to pull the plug. SHe wanted a seperation for three months. My point is if I see no improvements in the next few weeks why keep torturing myself.
Plus the same people she goes out with at work, well one of them is the guy she got hooked on. I guess he will be leaving the company in mid December. How do I deal with not wanting to know do I have a wife or an ex-wife. This is stressful....

Good thing you want your marriage to work ... welcome to Marriage Builder. Educate yourself about MB by looking at the following link below:<p>General Welcome for All New Builders
Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes
Plan A misapplication by Distress
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses <p>Few Q to cover your legal issues ?
Any kids ? - problem w/ custody if you moved out and no contact for 3 mo.
Who pays the bill ? - problem on spousal support specially if your expenses low by living w/ B&SIL.
Is the A out in the opened ? and how W's family & freinds takes it ?
Could you moved back let B&SIL kicked you out [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ?. It will be hard for you since plan A demands no intefering w/A and no LB !. Anyway read, read and get Surviving Affair & His Need Her Need book.

I don't feel the seperation right now is what will bring her around. You need to get the book SAA and start Plan A now. She wants to be seperated so she can be with OM and not feel so guilty.<p>Read everything here and follow the advise. I feel it does work. It brought my WH home and now the A is over.<p>Stay strong and come here to vent.<p>
SLH

I don't feel the seperation right now is what will bring her around. You need to get the book SAA and start Plan A now. She wants to be seperated so she can be with OM and not feel so guilty.<p>Read everything here and follow the advise. I feel it does work. It brought my WH home and now the A is over.<p>Stay strong and come here to vent.<p>
SLH

Well no kids. We both will still pay the bills at the house. Joint checking and savings account between the two of us. She will pay the bills as well as take care of the house while she is there.
I have read a lot on this site and it has helped. But the bottom line is I want to see something out of my wife that she wants the relationship to work. She was the one that didn't communicate to me that she wasn't happy. Now I am the one doing all the giving for the marriage to work and she is just having fun with her friends.
Well her family pretty much turned their back on her. They don't approve of what she did nor how she is handling it. She wanted the easy way out to say I quit so she can run from it instead of dealing with it.
If I try to talk to her she gets all pissed off. Hard to believe after 8.5 years this is how she would act. Her friends are amazed that I am still here wanting to make the marriage to work.
I need a sign from her so that I know there is a chance. Right now it doesn't look good. SHe has her mind so made up right now.

sorry for the double post. It is running a little slow tonite.

I have read a lot on this site and it has helped. But the bottom line is I want to see something out of my wife that she wants the relationship to work.<p>You have to do plan A. It is good that she doesn't have family support. Let the A dies by sticking up for your M.<p>She wanted the easy way out to say I quit so she can run from it instead of dealing with it.<p>By plan A'ing you make her deals with it.<p> Right now it doesn't look good. SHe has her mind so made up right now.<p>Be patience, again read Plan A & LB. There is no gurantee in life but you will have your chance to give it your best.

One more thing ...<p>What is the current contact with your W ?<p>After reading plan A & LB do you think you are up to it by weaselling your way in ?. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

There is a chance that you will not get that sign from her. She can't do that while the A is going on. You have to let it die and just Plan A her and try to change you. Take this time to focus on you and hopefully she will see the new you a want to come home. She is in think fog.<p>Don't let you expectations get in the way. They do not do as we think they should or even say what we want to hear.<p>My WH still has not told me he wants to work on M. The A is over and his actions are that he does want us to work. The fog is a powerful thing and is not predicable.<p>stay strong and work on you. <p>
SLH

Well right now I am trying my best not to talk with her on the phone or via email. She seems to just get all frustrated when I talk with her. Today I had to contact her because of something with the doctor. She justs wants to be in her own little world right now and doesn't want to have to deal with me. Pretty crapy treatment if you ask me.

CG- Read on PLAN A- IMMEDIATELY. It's often extremely difficult to implement perfectly, but do your absolute best.<p>You're probably not going to get ANY sign that she even wants to work on the M, quite the opposite, she'll probably tell you that she's DONE with the M, that she doesn't want to work on it, that she just wants to MOVE ON and find some new happiness. She'll probably rewrite your marital history to sound like the two of you were chained to some aweful creature, and it was just horrible - ALWAYS! Don't believe it. Many times, the WS is saying these things to justify the choices that they're making, and in hopes of driving the BS away so that the WS isn't the cause of the M ending (along with the associated guilt).<p>Probably the most important parts of Plan A include two rules: EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN, and DO IT FOR YOU. If you're expecting your WS to reciprocate in your kind treatment, you'll be sadly disappointed. Likewise, if you make any needed changes to yourself only for HER, then you'll likely fall back into your old habits when/if she comes around and then where'll you be in another 6 months....right back to despairville. <p>Really look hard at yourself, try to figure out what EN you've not been meeting. Try to figure out what YOU'VE contributed to the deterioration of your M. Then decide if that's the man you want to be and if not, strive to make life changes for the better. Don't flaunt them to your WS, she'll have to notice them on her own (and she will). She'll probably even resent you for making those changes NOW (but if not now, then when?).<p>Do them for YOU and YOU ONLY, expect NOTHING.<p>Good luck, and definitely get the books referenced above. Check out the emotional needs (EN) questionaire in the questionaires section from the home page.<p>Kev<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

I'll second everything Kev had to say above!!<p>Yes, it is crappy treatment. No-one deserves it. But it's a fact of life brought on by something - most often a combination of stuff.<p>One of the (many) way's I've come to look at it is this:<p>If I want to be selfish right now, I'll say "I'm not going to take this garbage" - that's the taker in me. But all that gets me is a divorce - for sure!<p>If I allow myself to swallow my pride - to a degree, and only for a while - then I'll say "I'm willing to hear you, honey - I need to be a better person." And I'll do it. And now I may still get a divorce - but at least I'll a) be a better person b) know that she knows I tried c) know in my own mind that I tried. Or I may not get a divorce - she may come to her senses (in her own time) and want to work on herself and us. And in either outcome, my pride will still be there - it's returning as we speak. Now I don't see it as her trampling on my pride - we trample on our own pride though self-pity, I think. I have no reason to feel sorry for myself, because I know I'm going to be okay.<p>(BTW Steve had a great comment today - you're feeling like an enabler? like a doormat? terrific - you're doing a good Plan A!)

confused guy,<p>The separation will probably make recovery worse since you are not there to try and repair the marriage via Plan A. Usually when a WS wants a separation "to think things over" they are doing so to make it easier to see the OP. You simply facilitated that. <p>It is also a BIG MISTAKE for the BS to leave his/her home. Since it is the WS who wants this separation, it is THEY who should give up their home. If not, they will never suffer the consequences of their actions. Rather the BS suffers it all - on their own. <p>I would suggest going back to your home - WITH YOUR BAGS - and telling her the separation is off and that you love her and want to work things out. However, if she wants to leave and continue the separation that you will understand and only want the best for her. However, since the separation is HER idea, she rightfully should be the one to leave. That you still love her and will be there waiting for her when she is ready to come back and work on the marriage. Go to your home, confused guy.<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

Well she tells me she isn't in love with me any more and that she isn't changing her mind on that. I still feel the marriage is worth something but she doesn't. Right now she just have a vision in her head and since she isn't getting that vision she wants it even more. Basically she wants to do all those things in life she never has done and she doesn't want me by her side. She said she doesn't want to have to answer to anyone on things she decides to do. So now what do I do? Do I let her leave after 8.5 years. I asked her to let me be by her side when she experiences all these things she wants to experience. I need help because this is getting worse and worse. What do I do? Tell her go and I don't give her a divorce until she experiences living on her own for a few months? She just wants to be all alone right now. Is this normal? I want her back as my wife but I am loosing the battle big time...Help...

confused_guy,
It is good you want your married to work. Again plan A, no LB and let her senses come back to her if not then you do plan B. If still did not work at least you could say "you have tried your best".<p>I know it is confusing right now but you have to listen to all the above replies to your question. You can and can not change her or expect something back or sign from her ... it will drive you nuts. There is gurantee that plan A/B will work to save M but at least will save your sanity down the road.<p>Understand plan A and do it.

You can and can not change her or expect something back or sign from her ... <p>Typo ... You can not change her or expect something back or sign from her ...

confused_guy,<p>Please listen to MelodyLane:<p>It is also a BIG MISTAKE for the BS to leave his/her home. Since it is the WS who wants this separation, it is THEY who should give up their home. If not, they will never suffer the consequences of their actions. Rather the BS suffers it all - on their own. <p>I would suggest going back to your home - WITH YOUR BAGS - and telling her the separation is off and that you love her and want to work things out. However, if she wants to leave and continue the separation that you will understand and only want the best for her. However, since the separation is HER idea, she rightfully should be the one to leave. That you still love her and will be there waiting for her when she is ready to come back and work on the marriage. Go to your home, confused guy.<p>You could be putting yourself at a legal disadvantage as time goes by because the courts often frown on the one who leaves. Besides, if she wants a separation, let her leave. <p>All of this takes time. Even though things look bleak now, they really can work out. Your W has just begun to deal with the emotional toll that her A is taking. It is very likely that this relatioship will not last, and she will eventually need you more than ever when she withdraws form the A. The tough part is hanging in there and maintaining your love for her.<p>Wishing you well, <p>Estes

Well I think my wife is scared that I am willing to change and do my best to make the marriage work. She tells me she feels she can't make any changes. I think in some way she is scared that I am willing to do so much for the marriage and that in some way she is scared to try to make an attempt or a change. I did tell her that I will do my best to do all the things I should of been doing and that I will try and change. I think inside she is thinking she wants to try but for some reason she tells her self that she can't change. Is there any right thing I should do in all of this to get her to feel to at least try?
I am not asking her to give up what dreams she has, but to let me be by her side as she experiences these dreams she has. What to I do? I feel as if I am giving up way too soon in all of this. She wants out and wants out quickly. She wants to do all these things she hasn't done before. I scare her when I say I want to do these things with her. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with...