For those of haven't see my last flurry of posting the story goes like this. D-Day was 10/28/01. The OM lives up in the DC area (about 5 hrs away). After D-Day, I started Plan A. My W agreed not to contact the OM in any way, but still demanded her privacy. W has a conference in Baltimore (1.5 hrs away from OM). I somehow got into her Yahoo account the day she left and found email stating that she was going to stay with him for the entire week. I freaked out. After many phone calls and emails, she agreed to come home (sometime today). Now, I know I need to get back to plan A. I'm still reading SAA, but paying more attention to it than before. I need some constraints on my W behavior for her to be here. No Contact is one of them. Since she isn't trustworthy, I'm going to need validation on the things she tells me. How do I go about asking for pass codes to validate with without placing demands?

I need advice in this area too. My WS has promised not have contact with OM either. But she has voicemail and email at work (and they work together) so if she is still communicating with him, I feel I have no way of knowing. She still refuses to tell me his name.<p>How can I get her to tell me his name??? Am I entitled to know??? I want to know if he lives nearby so I can determine whether WS has any physical possibility of seeing him when she runs one of her errands. I need to be able to verify.

RJB2,<p>You might want to try what I did - do some careful thinking about who it COULD be. Think about who she's talked about at work, specific names. Think about opportunity, think about tone of her voice. Then make a guess.<p>That's what I did, and it worked - she broke down and admitted it.<p>I understand your desire to know. I had it too, big time. I'm glad I did find out. Even though I've never met the guy, it has made it easier to understand the situation, and possibly give me more of an advantage in "understanding the enemy," so to speak!

Try to use the prinicpals in SAA and on this web site to sit down and discuss what you need to feel secure in your recovery. Does WS know about withdrawal and how hard it will be - if not offer your support and develop a plan together without LBs to work through thise time away from OS. Plan a trip together or just rearrange your scheudles to spend the next - at least 3 weeks - together. Do whatever you can to help WS during withdrawal because they will need it. The policy of joint agreement can be used as well as making a contract for your marriage. Try to apply the MB principles and if you have questions about them, please ask! Many people on this site have experience with them and can attest to their value. YOu don't have to reinvent the wheel on this one. Good Luck! K

burns1471,
Ask her how could she solve this and let her know it is for trust building, let it be her burnden not yours ... remember no anger and choose your word carefully. Yes, I agree w/ you on reading plan A and also read posts on misapplication of plan A by Distress.

At this point in you can't ask for that information or no-contact - because it IS a selfish demand.<p>In my situation, my H wanted to "try" to reconcile, shortly after the birth of our daughter, and after I caught him red-handed taking his GF to a company party that I had been told was employee only. It wasn't a real reconciliation, he was simply looking for the path of least resistance at the moment, and getting along with me was easier.<p>Well, we started marriage coaching with Steve Harley. While my H was making lots of good noises, his actions didn't back it up. And I was a basket case. I asked Steve Harley about how to get complete disclosure from my H without making it a demand, and Steve told me that I couldn't. It had to be offered willingly by my H. Now, Steve did talk to my H about these things and tell him that was what he needed to do for me. But my H wasn't really interested in reconciliation, he was meeting with Steve to appease me.<p>Steve said I couldn't ask, because even if my H did do those things, it would become a resentment on his part, and be seen as control.<p>Things disintegrated quickly and Steve finally told me that I had to Plan B, and file for divorce because my H wasn't serious.<p>It was the night before our first divorce court date that my H came to me and OFFERED to give me full disclosure, in exchange for his moving home and really recovering our marriage. He moved home a month later, after 18 months, THIS TIME, willingly doing what he needed to do. We are in our 5th month of recovery, and doing ok - but the first "recovery" barely lasted 2 months.<p>And trust me, its a whole different ball game when they do it by their own choice, rather than because you demanded it.<p>I understand how much you need that information from your wife. But honestly think about it. What does the information do for you? You can't control your wife and you can't stop her from doing what she wants to do. Unless you are watching her 24/7 - if she's cheating and wants to continue to cheat, she will, regardless of how much information you have.<p>More information does not give you more control. It will give you more heartache however.<p>It's easy to say and harder to do...but what you need to focus on is yourself. What do YOU need in a marriage? What are you willing to accept and what are you willing to live with? Then take a look at your marriage and determine the reality of the situation. Talking with Steve Harley can really help you put things in to a realistic perspective. And then, start taking steps to put boundaries in place that protect you. (That's what Plan B really is, a giant boundary). Your boundaries are the consequences of your wife's affair, and she probably won't like them. But that leaves recovery for her part of the marriage squarely in her lap, where it belongs. <p>It takes 2 to recover, and forcing her to hand over information won't force a recovery, or force an end to the affair. She's got to choose your marriage first.<p>I can't emphasize how important it is to try and get in touch with one of the Harleys. They can really help you assess and put a plan into place.