Bryan<p>I didn't see this earlier. I had a very busy weekend with a ton of affair aftermath issues. The good news is because of this site, the Harley concepts, principles and rules, we are doing fine. Got through it all and feel closer than ever.<p>As far as Harley's rules or time lines for dating after a divorce? I don't think I have ever seen any? I am on my second marriage though, so I have been in your situation. (My husband and I will be celebrating 18 years together this upcoming December 3rd. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) <p>I believe the time for dating is very individual. I would go slowly if I were you, because you don't want your next relationship to be a rebound thing at all. That kind of relationship would come most likely to an unpleasant end and could hurt the woman of that relationship deeply if she fell for you.<p>So...my answer to you would be to date casually. Don't look for that perfect lady yet. Just enjoy being out with members of the opposite sex for companionship and friendship. Relax, and revel in the wonderful woman you are getting the opportunity to meet. Look at this all as a new adventure. It can be very exciting and if you aren't concentrating on finding that perfect "one" lady you'll really enjoy that adventure. Date several women and don't focus on just one woman. Of course be honest about this with all concerned. <p>The best things in life often come to us when we least expect it. Most importantly be yourself, don't try and tailor yourself to be what you perceive a woman you find attractive wants. You'll honestly do just fine if you concentrate on being Bryan! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In my experience it takes approximately one year for anyone to properly grieve the loss of a person and be ready to devote and feel something for someone else. <p>If I do find out Harley's time line for dating, I'll certainly let you know.<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: A blessed Samantha ]</p>

positivebryan, <p>you pose a very good question! one that i don't have the answer to [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just wanted to say that you are so right about some women wanting the BAD BOY. I don't think that we know why either. My husband and I had dated off and on for many years before we finally got married. During one of the "off" times, I met a wonderful man. He made me feel beautiful all the time. He had a sparkle in his eye when he looked at me or talked about me. He sent me roses and bought me gifts. He wanted to talk.<p>I know that he loved me and I still think about him to this day. I met him almost 12 years ago and only dated for a few months BECAUSE I was in love with the guy who cheated on me, didn't want to see me until someone else wanted to, went out drinking all the time, BUT totally turned me on. Well, I ended up married to the guy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (who, btw, reminds me ALOT of my own father)<p>So, I certainly don't envy you, yet I do. I agree, be yourself and don't pretend that you're someone that you're not. Someone will appreciate you for who you are and if they don't, then it's their loss, right?!<p>I also agree that it is waaaaaaay too soon to be really concerned about finding that right woman. Enjoy the dates and know that the right woman will come to you when you're ready and probably when you least expect it!<p>tinlizzy

Tinlizzy..<p>Thanks for the kind words! I agree with your entire message. The right person ALWAYS comes around when you least expect them!<p>Take Care and God Bless!<p>Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Bryan...<p>Does it really matter what a woman wants in a man to you? I mean you can't alter yourself to fit that image..and you don't want to..<p>What is it YOU are looking for in a woman? What qualities are you looking for? Make a list of everything you'd like in a wife..<p>and then date various women who meet these criteria..be it looks, intelligence and so for..<p>If your not looking for a woman with baggage well..then you pretty much need to date babies..because thats about the only time they don't have some type of emotional baggage..
the difference being..the kind of baggage they have..most everyone has some type of FOO problems..<p>Now that being said..do you want someone who has had problems and has learned to from those problems and can open up and be honest? <p>Or someone who has had previous relationship problems and never learned from them? And carries them over into a new relationship? <p>Right now you are still hurting about your marriage ending, so if your wanting to start dating..don't date for sex..date to get to know the women..respect the women you go out with by being honest with them..even about if you are dating other women..and when you decide you want to get sexually involved w/ one or more of them then you need to be honest with all parties involved..because you need to respect them enough to keep them safe from diseases..and give them the choice to have sex with you or not, knowing you have multi partners if thats what you choose..and you should expect the same honesty from them..<p>I think that is one thing that is very important to me..that if I am going to date someone and it gets to the point of sex..then I want to know that he is not dating and having sex with other women..
that is a major trust issue..<p>I'd also like a man to be honest about his past relationships. How many women has he dated? any children out of those relationship..(not that it's important as to whether he slept w/ 100 women or 10..if I love him) but it's the point that he's at least honest about himself. and I don't feel like there is a big part of them that I know nothing about. And that he realizes what happened in their relationships that made them end..other than they left me..or I ended it. I'd like to know so that I can have some knowledge about what he is looking for in a relationship..<p>I want someone who can listen
has Empathy and can show it..
Is not condemning and judgemental
can admit when he makes a mistake and apologize for it..<p>thats a start...but you need to be looking at what you want in a wife...and not what a woman wants in a man..that way you will be happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

ThornedRose..<p>Thank You! I would ideally like to have a relationship with a divorce BS. I think only the BS can understand what it feels like to be in that position. I don't expect to find someone without baggage, but the key is to find the ladies with minimal baggage and or baggage that is under control! I must say that I have baggage, but I don't bring it into any new relationships. I don't talk about my ex unless they want to talk about it and I am always 100% honest with them!<p>Patience is Key, and that is what I need right now!<p>Thanks Again!<p>Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Bryan,<p>Actually I am not sure a divorced BS is always best..but then..thats from someone who has been married to one..if you do date one..make sure they have dealt w/ the internal issues..and are at least some what willing to open up and trust..<p>Just as you will have to start out trusting them..even on simple things..because if you don't you can scare them away with jealousy and lack of trust..<p>but you need to realize they are not the person who betrayed you..and don't make them pay for your ex's mistakes by not trusting them..

Thorned..<p>Thanks..<p>I would NEVER bring my feelings from my ex into a new relationship! I would start every relationship as a clean slate and go from there!<p>Take Care<p>Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Bryan,<p>Unless you've dealt with all the issues inside..you will take htem into a new relationship whether you believe it to be true or not..it's the
way we are..we act, and react based on what we have learned from our past..and if we haven't dealt with things and changed ourselves..then they will still be apart of how we responde..<p>There are a couple of dating books out there..one of them is I Kissed Dating Good-bye, that is supposed to be really good...there is another one also but I don't remember the name of it right off the top of my head..but I am going to get those to read..not just for me...but also for my kids to read as they get into the dating years..so that they will be prepared..and have some guidelines to follow for themselves..and maybe not find themselves in abusive relationships..so desperate to find love..and afraid of being alone with themselves..<p>I am also going to have them read Boundries..as I teach them how to set appropriate boundries for themselves..so that they will learn that also..
I want to give them something I never had got as a child..and thats a healthy sense of self..and self-respect..and to be at least prepared for a relationship..when they become adults..to me that is so much more important than the 'things'..<p>So if you haven't done much reading and growing yourself through all of this..I'd suggest you start there..before you really start dating..

Thorned..<p>Points well taken! Thanks Much!<p>Bryan

Thanks All!

Bryan,<p>Okay...I've been thinking more about this..and I'll share w/ you what I want..<p>I want a marriage that my husband and I are partners. Where we can share things openly and honestly. Be it feelings or joy or fear, hopes, and dreams, whatever..<p>Someone who understands that if I ask something of them they view it as important..because I took the time to ask..and they don't just ignore what was asked..give me an answer..either say yes, we can work on that..or no, that isn't feasable at this time or I can't do that..but don't ignore it..<p>I want a spouse who will also share the same types of things w/ me..and not hold back because they think I will be hurt..I don't need a protector..
I need a partner..someone who respects me enough to let me know what they are feeling inside no matter what they think I'm going to feel..they trust me enough to be able to handle my own feelings..<p>I want someone who will give themselves willingly to me..so I am not left feeling that I have to 'beg' them to spend time w/ me..Someone who views me as more important than work, activities, friends, drinking, whatever..someone who wants to be w/ me, someone who enjoys my company and is here because they want that..and someone who I enjoy spending time w/ and I want to be with..
not someone who forces me to spend time w/ them..(ie: they just show up and stay and don't care if I had other plans, and then get upset if I do, and try to manipulate me into staying and altering my plans to suit them)<p>I want someone who will respect my privacy..who doesn't go 'snooping' through my things to see what I am talking to others about..I don't want them to go read my letters from friends I've known for 30 years because they are afraid I said something about them..If I want you to know what is in the letter..I'll share it..it may have some personal things in there about them..that they DON'T want anyone else knowing..so respect that..<p>I want someone who will respect I have a past..and doesn't hold it over my head..and throw it up in my face w/ every arguement..reminding me of all of my mistakes..yes, I've made mistakes..we all have..I've learned from them..God's forgiven me..
don't act like judge and jury..of my life..<p>
I want someone who will give themselves completely..we are made up of various parts..
we have a body- the physical
a spirit- who we are
a mind- what we think
a heart- who we love<p>I want someone who will share all of these with me..not give them to me as if I own them..but will share them with me willingly because they want to, and someone who will also allow me to willingly share these parts of myself w/ them..<p>I don't want someone who only wants one part of me..and rejects the rest..who only wants my body for sex..but rejects the rest..and I don't want someone who only wants my feelings and rejects the body..I want someone who wants to share all of me..and that is willing to share all of themselves with me in return..

Bryan,<p>As a fellow BS, and also 29, been married 10 years. As far as what women want, well, what do you want??? Isn't it about time to discover what your wants and needs are as a person? I think we try to be people pleasers too often and then get caught in a rut when our needs not get met or we fell that the other person is not putting as much effort in. You can't make yourself something your not. I strongly believe that you will know when you find someone, who will just love, like you for who you are, for all the dumb, or silly things you do. For all the great things about your personality an such.<p>I think we all need to work on being ourselves and not worry about what other people want us to be. <p>Good Luck
Christine

I think this thread is very interesting. I don't make it to this side of the board very often, but I feel the need to respond here.<p>I think everyones responses to Bryan are very interesting in that very few if any quote the need for physical compatibility, yet this is often the reason for many of the breakups. Don't get me wrong, because I agree with everyone, especially TR, but I wonder how you find out if you are physically compatible? Do you ask and discuss it or wait until your between the sheets to discover it. The touch feeling things are easy to either recognize or discuss to an understanding, but how do you find out if your sexually alike/similar.<p>I know, this is all men ever think about, but it's important and that would be in my top ten of things to look for in a mate. Maybe a better question would be: What are the top 10 things that we each feel we have to contribute to a relationship? What do you think?<p>Just wondering!

If I were looking again I would say honesty, sence of humor, and a good set of teeth. Honesty to one self and to others, after all this, I think is a good quality. As far as looks, hey if a guy can make you laugh, looks aren't really important, especially when he can flash you a sexy smile.

camjon..<p>You are 100% correct with everything you said! Thanks so much for your message! I wish you the best!<p>Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Happy New Year All! Thanks!

hmmm, let me see. Cute and TALL and must be fabulous in bed. Must have all his teeth and bathe on a regular basis. Must take out the trash and move heavy boxes. Must not sulk too much when we go to the mall and must NEVER EVER approach the make up counter when I am buying make up and make rude comments about prices!<p>Oh, and must button the second button on his shirts and be a good kisser! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I thought of something else! He MUST BE A REPUBLICAN!!!!

Melody..<p>I thought I would follow up your wish list with mine! I would like to find a girl who is....<p>Age 30 or younger
5'4" or Shorter
Weighs 125 or less
Has Blonde Hair and Blue Eyes
Has no Children
Is very clean
Has no or very little emotional baggage
Is Financially smart and spends money wisely!
Has High Moral Values!<p>If you are out there, I would love to meet you!<p>Take Care and Happy 2002!<p>Bryan

Melody...<p>A Republican huh???? Very interesting! <p>Have a great new year!