My husband of 3 years came to me recently and said he wants to move out to work on his career. He also said he wants us to start over and build a friendship because that is a foundation for a marriage. But somethings I feel he is trying to keep a secret like going to look at an apartment. How do you start over, is there even such a thing? I feel so empty inside. We never really spend time together we work full time I am in school also and he is trying to work on his music career so it takes alot out of us.

I noticed this is your first post and I didn't want it to drop off the board w/o a reply.<p>Those are kind of strange items for your H to bring up. But you don't tell us a lot about your story.<p>A couple of suggestions...read some of the stuff at this site...you also may want to post on the "Just Found Out" board, although this board gets the most traffic.<p>I am guessing you didn't get a lot of response because your story is a bit thin. Don't give up if you are looking for input...continue to post here. There are people who can and will offer advice.<p>As for starting over...I don't think you can. I think you have to take where you are and move on from there....hopefully it is forward....<p>But I am pretty sure you can't go back to the beginning....<p>I hope that makes sense...<p>Good luck <p>E

Tina,<p>I read your post earlier today, but didn't really know what to say (or how to say it). Read everything you can on this site, it's the best one I've found on the net. Begin with the links in my bi-line below.<p>Know that times are going to get rough. If you haven't considered it (and I'm sorry to even bring this up), a spouse wanting to "separate" for ANY reason (including to work on his/her career), is usually a sign of infidelity. Being physically removed makes it infinitely easier for them to be together because the WS no longer has to account for every second.<p>Consider trying to find out if this is the case, and confronting H with it. I can't advise you as to any particular method, because my own wasn't entirely productive or helpful. Know that once the A hits the light of day (disclosure- D-Day) and once the "couple" get to spend all the time together that they want, it will most likely spell doom for the A. Know that you can't do anything to expedite it, any actions you DO take will only serve to extend the affair. It's best (and INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT) to just let it run its course....I know this may nearly kill you, it has me, but it's the ONLY way to have a chance at saving your M. In the mean time, you can provide a safe haven for WS, PLAN A until your eyes water, eventually think about moving to PLAN B, and hang on for dear life. Do these things FOR YOU! There is no benefit to doing anything for WS, because it'll only be fake, you MUST do everything you're about to undertake for YOU....make YOU a better person, engage in YOUR favorite hobbies, maybe get in better shape for YOU, etc.... Your WS will notice (even if they don't acknowledge it, or resent it).<p>Good luck and God bless,
Kev

Well, you obviously can't make him stay--that's kidnapping. I'm not being flip, just trying to keep a foot in reality here. It would be great if you could lock him in the closet until he sees the light!<p>I also think he's having or wants to have an affair. I would personally just ask him. It seems odd to want to separate to build a stronger marriage. But, darling, you must be prepared for the answer if you ask the ?. I suggest reading this site till your eyes ache before you ask.<p>Good luck, sweetie, be sure to keep us posted.

read the links at the bottom of kevco's post. read all the information on this site, and then read it again.<p>my WS told me close to the same, that he needed time away, etc. and there was someone else<p>
read this site careful and then ask questions,<p>mine wouldn't tell me the truth, I found everything out from going old fashion snooping, going through pockets, breifcases, his car, even the airline tags on his suitcases (1st clue) and then 1 day I saw him checking his hotmail account, I knew the password (had found it written down in his briefcase), but you have to be prepared on what you might find and do this when you know you will be alone for awhile so you can get control<p>just because he has asked to do this does not mean that this is the end of your marriage, it is possible to work anything out.<p>good luck

Well let me give more information. We have been through consuling for 6 months. The main problems that we were having is that he was spending so much time with his music than with me. So I would get mad when he wanted to have his group over for practice. I would do things so that he would be able to take the car to pick the group up. I also did not support him or any of his decisions, or when someone spoke badly of what he was doing I tend to side with them instead of setting them straight. Another was that he wanted the ole style home where the wife did the housework, which he mom did. I however was not raised in such an environment that my mother did housework. My parents divided the cooking and us kids cleaned. <p>Before finding this site my first assumption was that maybe he was having an affair, of course like any human person would do he denied it. But after reading some of the stories on this site I started to believe that maybe I did drive him to this point by not supporting him when he needed me most. So I do not believe he is having an affair. I do believe he wants to move so that he can be able to work on his music without me throwing up wall to prevent him from doing that. <p>As far as starting over. He wants to let the past be the past and start from now and trying to gain the friendship back that we had in the beginning. I have read through everything on this site and even have talked to him about it. So you see I haven't been that supportive. Now the house cleaning thing is hole nother ball game. I work full time and I am a part time student. I schedule doesn't even permit me to do alot of things. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm glad that you're sure he's not having an A...that really mucks things up. Maybe he really does just need alittle space then...I'm sure he'll miss you in no time and want to come home.<p>As for the house, my MIL did all the housework and H thinks in the perfect world, I would too and he wouldn't do anything. Well, in MY perfect world, I wouldn't have to work...I just sit home and write til my fingers drop and have a maid to run the house. Not happenin' yet. Until he can provide that, he will have to share the housework or it won't get done. I've had to tell him when he complained about this or that, if I don't do it and it bothers him that much, to do it himself.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Tina9672:
<strong>Well let me give more information. We have been through consuling for 6 months. The main problems that we were having is that he was spending so much time with his music than with me. So I would get mad when he wanted to have his group over for practice. I would do things so that he would be able to take the car to pick the group up. I also did not support him or any of his decisions, or when someone spoke badly of what he was doing I tend to side with them instead of setting them straight. Another was that he wanted the ole style home where the wife did the housework, which he mom did. I however was not raised in such an environment that my mother did housework. My parents divided the cooking and us kids cleaned. <p>Before finding this site my first assumption was that maybe he was having an affair, of course like any human person would do he denied it. But after reading some of the stories on this site I started to believe that maybe I did drive him to this point by not supporting him when he needed me most. So I do not believe he is having an affair. I do believe he wants to move so that he can be able to work on his music without me throwing up wall to prevent him from doing that. <p>As far as starting over. He wants to let the past be the past and start from now and trying to gain the friendship back that we had in the beginning. I have read through everything on this site and even have talked to him about it. So you see I haven't been that supportive. Now the house cleaning thing is hole nother ball game. I work full time and I am a part time student. I schedule doesn't even permit me to do alot of things. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
it is good that you have read this site and you believe he is not having an A. Have you done the Emotional Needs ?'s , if not do so, see if he will also. Read about the Policy of Joint Aggrement, try it. Sounds as if you both are in the wrong.<p>Do you think your marriage might be worth not taking so many classes next time? Maybe you could try it.