This is my first post and my H and I are at an impass. We have both been looking at the boards and taking the different tests and surveys and have seen a counselor a couple of times. I am the WS and had an EA. I am not proud of the fact that I did this, but I have taken full responsibility and now feel like I am taking the punishment.<p>My H and I own our own business and have had so for several years. We spend most of our time togther 24/7; we have no friends and have very limited outside interests. Most people that meet us at first, think we act like brother and sister. We have been more business partners than H &W for a long time. <p>I have expressed my displeasure for years (we have been together for 13 yrs/married for 8) that there were things that I was not getting from him and it seemed that I was talking to a wall or told that he was going to change and that would last a week or so and then it would go back to the way that it was before. <p>I honestly shut off emotionally. I tried doing things around the house and special things only to be treated like it was expected and I felt taken advantage. During our first business, I would hear through the grape vine that our employees couldn't believe how he treated me in there presence. He had some outbursts when I would lead meetings that were totally inappropriate and people would come to me and tell me that they felt sorry for me. I would play it off and he would act like nothing ever happened. H is above intelligence, but lacks the self-esteem and general people skills and comes off as extremely arrogant. <p>I didn't realize it for years, until we did one of the worksheets on this board, that he actually valued my opinion and thought that I was somewhat intelligent. Ever since, he has been trying to actually listen to me.<p>With our second business in financial trouble and not having a lot of money to actually do anything, in February we decided to try an online game where a bunch of people get on and you interact. We made some friends online and we enjoyed playing together. It got to be that we were playing the game a lot, both together and separately. That is where I met the OM and we started talking. He was having some relationship problems of his own with his GF and we were talking. And that is how it started. He started fulfilling my EN that hadn't been met in years. The ones that I tried telling my H weren't being met. After a couple of months of talking and sharing with OM, I told my H that I thought that maybe we were not the right ones for each other as I didn't seem to be making him happy and I know that I was not happy with him.<p>Then after a few weeks after our initial conversation, I had to bring up again the fact that I was not happy and that is when I told him that I had feelings for someone else. Only then did I seem to get his attention. Is this normal?<p>That was eight weeks ago and since then we seem to have emotional talks every day and it has been taking a toll on us both. I have told the OM that I want to work on trying to rebuild my marriage and that he should not contact me in game or out of it.<p>OM emailed me a goodbye letter and wishing me luck as he said he only wanted what was best for me. When I was reading it, H came in and when I closed my email quickly he got suspicious and immediately intercepted the letter and read it for himself. H blew up that OM was disrespected my wishes for not hearing from him and when I tried telling H that I could not control OM sending me email, he flipped out talking like it was my fault. <p>Then I got mad for the fact that he was trying to treat me like a child. I know that I have lost H's respect and trust, but I don't think controlling my life is going to make me anything but resentful.<p>After a weekend of trying to put my anger aside, H has told me that he just doesn't think that this is going to work. That we can't communicate and that he is so hurt that he is not sure he can get over my betrayal. <p>It has been very recent since I have told the OM that I am working on my relationship and I am going through the withdrawals.<p>I am willing to devote all of my energy to working on our my marriage. Our biggest problem is communication - can anyone help? <p>Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it.

Oh my gosh, I feel like your twin. I was also the WS and betrayed my husband. We have both read all the books, talked, etc. We are both in counseling, etc. Unfortunately, he could not handle it any more and he has filed for divorce. I would much rather have the marriage work out, but know that at this time he has to do what he has to do. It is my hope that we will, one day, be back together as husband and wife. I, too, have apologized and said I'm sorry about as much as I can. I cannot take the past away, only work for the future. I am still in denial that this is really happening because I know that we are better together than apart, but he is too angry to see that (although he still wants to be with me intimately - go figure). Anyway, my advice to you, which may be worth nothing, is to stay the course, let him know how you feel, keep being honest and maybe one day he will see that. THat is what I am trying to do. If, in the long run it doesn't work, then I assume it was not meant to be.

It's nice to feel like I am alone in my feelings. I am sorry that your H can't see past his anger and I am not sure mine willl either. Thank you for your words of encouragement and Good luck to you and perhaps we can bounce different ideas off of each other.

WK and SAS,<p>First, welcome to MB. I'm sorry you're here, but I haven't found a better place TO be in our situations. <p>From what I've read here and elsewhere, I think that both of you are in probably the best place you can be at this point in time. Let me explain that a little bit. It seems that when the W is the WS, often it's THEM who refuses to get back into the M. Women seem to contemplate their actions more prior to having an A, and so it's often harder to pull them back in. Your H are angry right now, and rightfully so, but hopefully, they will come around in time.<p>Read the links below in my bi-line (particularly about Plan A and implement it NOW). Think about getting a couple of books from the bookstore (Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs).<p>Good luck, and know that all of us are here for you. Do not feel shy or intimidated to post here, simply because you're the WS. Many of the most helpful people on this board share your title. This can be a safe haven for you to vent, get support, PROVIDE support, etc...<p>God bless,
Kev

You probably CAN control OM sending you Email. Most ISPs provide mail controls so that you can block specific Email addresses. Even if that is not available, you can immediately show your H any Emails from OM. Better yet, allow your H full access to your mailbox so he can check whenever he wishes. Read Surviving An Affair and institute what Harley calls extraordinary measures immediately.<p>NO CONTACT is the first step. While there is still contact between you and OM, the M cannot even begin recovery (see my profile below with FIVE false starts!).<p>Like it or not, in order to save your M, you will have to take responsibility for your actions. Yes, your H should, too, but that is up to him. You can only control you. If you are in any way communicating blame to him for your A, then that is what is impeding your H from taking responsibility for his part in the deterioration of the M. You can only start with you.<p>I can tell you from my BS standpoint that full disclosure, total accountability, owning the A and all its consequences are what I need to commit to my M, so maybe your H is needing the same from you. If my H would have followed the plan in SAA, we'd be doing great and well on the road to recovery by now, so I suggest you start there and take it step by step. If you are both willing, it will work!

Thank you all for your responses. I certainly appreciate you taking the time for the help. I have a problem with an independence thing. In the fact, and I don't know if it is just me; and I know I have dissolved my husband's trust in me. But treating me like a child by monitoring my communication is just awful to me. To me it is an invasion of my privacy and to me it looks like all betrayed spouses that institute this have gone through divorces. I may be totally wrong, but I don't think that this is a good foot to start on the road to recovery. Just my humble opinion.<p>I, too in a previous relationship have been cheated on and I know the pains that I went through. It took me awhile to get close to anyone again, but then again that person wouldn't even acknowledge me after I brought it out.<p>Again...thank you for the help.

whoknows,<p>You privacy is really a problem right now. Precisely, because you used it to have the affair. If you don't acknowledge that it was, then it is unlikely that your marriage will survive. He isn't treating you like a child, he is treating you like someone he doesn't trust and he doesn't.<p>Since you have been on the other side of this, and
you state that "that person wouldn't even acknowledge me after I brought it out.", then you realize that you not being open and forthcoming with your H is just the same as not being acknowledged. Being open means he has access to everything.<p>Don't worry your privacy will return, because he will get tired of monitoring your communications if there is nothing there for you to hide. Further, he would like nothing better than to trust you again, but he cannot.<p>You also mentioned that your marriage had become pretty lifeless. If he felt the same way, and he probably did,then his desire to rebuild the marriage is probably not too high. If you want to rebuild it, then I would strongly suggest that you sit down with him and talk about marriage.<p>I mean tell him what your "ideal" marriage would be. Ask him what his "ideal" marriage would be. Then see if the two of you cannot come up with a joint vision of what your "ideal" marriage would be. THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO REBUILD, not what you had before. Perhaps a new set of goal would help you both.<p>However, for awhile he will need to check everything until his is certain that OM is out of your life. You are going to have to rebuild his trust and that takes honesty, openess, and time.<p>It can all happen. However, I would strongly recommend that you try to meet his needs and let him know what you needs are as well. You see you can have a better marriage out of all of this pain, if you and he can hang in there for awhile.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL...thank you for your post. I understand what you mean about the privacy issue. I really do. Although I am not sure if this makes a difference or not, but I am the one that told him first, he didn't have to stumble on to it and I was very honest with him and have been ever since.<p>I love your idea about talking about the IDEAL MARRIAGE, because I think that is what we are really trying to work for.<p>Thank you again. WK