WELL I AM BACK IN A MESS AGAIN! I FOUND OUT TWO WEEKS AGO THAT MY HUSBAND WAS HAVING ANOTHER AFFAIR!WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 21 YEARS-HE HAS HAD 4 AFFAIRS THAT I AM AWARE OF AND HAS MOVED OUT TWICE BEFORE-AT THIS TIME,HE REALLY CAUGHT ME OFF GAURD THIS TIME-I HAD STARTED TO TRUST HIM AGAIN,WHICH TOOK A VERY LONG TIME TO DEVELOP AFTER HIS LAST AFFAIR.I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I STILL LOVE HIM,BUT I DO!I AM HURT REALLY BAD NOW-YOU WOULD THINK THAT AFTER THE FIRST TIME THIS OCCURRED YOU WOULD NOT FEEL THE PAIN AS BAD BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE.ANYWAY,WE HAVE 3 GIRLS-WE MOVED TO ANOTHER STATE AFTER HIS LAST AFFAIR AND WERE DOING FAIRLY WELL TILL APPROX. SOMETIME IN JULY WHEN I NOTICED A CHANGED BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS RELATED TO HIS JOB-WE WENT ON A 3 WEEK VACATION END OF JULY,EARLY AUG.WHEN WE RETURNED HE WAS BAPITIZED IN THE CHURCH ON AUG.19 TH-WE (ME AND THE GIRLS WERE SO PROUD OF HIM)WELL ANYWAY HE STARTED NOT CALLING ME,SO HIS CELL PHONE BILL CAME IN,I OPENED IT AND FOUND ALL THE CALLS TO TWO SPECIFIC NUMBERS-THE BILL WAS $450.00!I SHOWED HIM THE NUMBERS AND HE ADMITTED IT-I REALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!HE HAD ME TRICKED!WELL ANYWAY,I FOUND A CREDIT CARD BILL WITH A BILL FOR A HOTEL ROOM!HE COULDNOT LIE ANYMORE!WELL,THIS BILL JUST WAS 11 DAYS AFTER HE WAS BAPITIZED!!!!!!I JUST COULD NOT BELIEVE IT !I KNOW THAT HE IS A SEX ADDICT AND NEEDS TO GET HELP FOR HIS ADDICTION-I AM NOT SURE IF I SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY NOW BEFORE I GO THROUGH ANOTHER 20 YEARS OF PAIN-THE MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT I LOVE HIM!IF I COULD JUST FIND ONE WAY OF NOT CARING ANYMORE!I A VERY ASHAMED AND JUST DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE-I AM CRYING MY EYES OUT NOW-I DO BELIEVE THAT GOD WORKS THINGS OUT FOR THE GOOD AND I NEED TO PUT MY TRUST IN HIM BUT I JUST HATE GOING THROUGH THIS!!!!!THE DEVIL IS ABLE TO DESTROY FAMILIES AND UNFORTUNATELY WHEN WE GET INTO THESE SITUATIONS WE ARE UNABLE TO PROCESS EVERYTHING-DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE AND OR SUPPORT TO OFFER?MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU.

1719,
I'm sorry that you've found the need to visit MB, but know that this is a wonderful site with a vast amount of information and support for you. Please read everything you can from this site. Check out the bookstore and think about buying "Surviving an Affair". Read the links in my bio, below.<p>Please come her and post whenever you have a good day, or a bad day, or just a so-so day. If you have questions, or comments, or vents. There are many helpful, thoughtful people here who will be able to guide you through this.<p>I will pray for you tonight,
Kev

Dear 1719, <p>People do things no matter what they are BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.<p>You cannot make them do what's right.<p>They are done out of self-serving, self-gratifying motivation - usually selfishness because of what a person WANTS for themselves. <p>If you can tolerate the pain and humiliation of so many affairs, you have the patience of a saint. <p>My husband cheated 12 times. He said he couldn't control himself and I was just going to have to live with it. I said no. <p>Love = sacrifice
Even a mediocre ( i hope I spelled that right!!) marriage requires some sort of sacrifice of someone or the other!!<p>If there's no sacrifice - there may not be any love. <p>Sacrifice means you cannot have EVERYTHING you want EVERY time. Love = giving<p>How can you love someone so very much and hurt them so very much - even after making them AWARE how much it hurts?? Do they minimize your hurts?? Do they have COMPLETE DISREGARD for you and your feelings??? Do they continue doing the hurtful things AFTER you've told him how much it devastates you??<p>Selfishness (to whatever extreme) is just that - self-absorbed, self-consumed... they may not really have experienced or learned any other way, depending on how they were raised, how much rejection, hurt, trauma they suffered as a small child or what kind of lifestyle they've always lived. They may care for you, even a great deal, but love and always taking doesn't seem to make any sense. <p>It's like they believe you'll 'take' what they dish out - like they believe you'll never leave. <p>When you do, it seems it's 'no big deal.'<p>This is the 'thrown out like an old shoe' feeling. <p>Been there, done that. I'm still devastated. How can you love someone so much, marry them cuz you believe you can't live without them, (isn't that why you're supposed to marry??) and be so very good and kind and loving to them, in return, they're unthoughtful of you, throw all the love you have to give right back at you like it has no value, makes you feel that you have (like so many others) a lot of love to give and no one wants it. <p>I had no idea, until after reading this board and joining this marriage builder forum, how very many people are in the same boat or worse. I didn't know there were so many hurting, loving, valuable, sincere people out there men and women, who've been tricked, betrayed, heartbroken, etc. <p>The good Lord must be so very grieved at His heart to see what his children are doing to those who have been (by choice) sincere, honest, played the marriage game fair and honorably - and the other half of a lot of these couples have 'cheated' at the game. <p>I've never seen so much devastation and pain and its so real... in my whole life. <p>To all who ready this, I may be a very small thread in this life, but my Lord hears my very small prayers for all of you hurting and in need and He is BIG ENOUGH for all of us... and He hears and comforts pain, and when we think we can't function another day, or even remember to breath when we get out of bed in the morning, He CARRIES us with HIS strength - just like the 'footprints' says...<p>TRUST IN HIM -- ALWAYS and JUST BELIEVE - don't TRY to do ANYTHING - let it all go as much as possible and LET HIM DO EVERYTHING... IT WORKS...

1719,<p>I do know of your pain. I also have been married for 21 years. I supported my husband through 20 years in the military and also through 6 of his affairs. <p>This has been heart breaking. One year after putting on his retirement dinner with all the pomp and ceremonies---how much he loved and was proud of us--he has had another affair and has moved in with his 28 yr old bimbo. Deserted me and our 4 kids. <p>Now he is trying to act like nothing he has done is wrong. If I had known a few months ago what would happen---I would have kicked him out after the first affair. <p>Hang in there---this is never easy--especially after you have been through it before. At least the first time it could have been a mistake. The ones after that are inexcusable. Sorry if this sounds so negative. But honestly, the best advice is to put it in the hands of God and also get a good lawyer. There is just so much pain someone should have to take.

DEAR JORDAN AND MISERYNMISSOURI,THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSES-IT WAS WELL APPRECIATED BY ME THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO READ AND RESPOND TO MY LETTER.BOTH OF YOU,SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE SAME KIND OF PAIN I AM GOING THROUGH NOW.IT HAS TO BE ONE OF THE WORST THINGS TO EXPERIENCE.MOST OF THE BEHAVIOR BY THE H IS SELF MOTIVATED,SELFISH!!!I NEED TO ACCEPT SOME FACTS ABOUT THIS PERSON I HAVE BEEN COMMITTED MY LIFE TO-UNLESS HE WANTS TO CHANGE HE IS NOT GOING TO.I HAVE BEEN SEEKING SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE FROM THE PASTOR THAT HAS PROVIDED ME WITH SOME COMFORT FOR A SHORT DURATION-UNFORTUNATELY IT IS SHORT LIVED-NO MATTER HOW I ATTEMPT TO IGNORE ALL THE THINGS HE IS DOING,I STILL BREAK DOWN-TODAY IS THANKSGIVING AND I HAD TO WORK TODAY-WE WERE TO EAT AT HIS PARENTS HOME-I ARRIVED HOME TO AN EMPTY HOUSE!!!!I RECIEVED A CALL APPROX. 15MIN AFTER GETTING HOME FROM MY OLDEST DAUGHTER-THEY HAD BEEN WAITING BUT BECAUSE I WAS LATE,THEY LEFT-WELL,I WAS KINDA GLAD THEY HAD LEFT ME BECAUSE I DID NOT FEEL UP TO IT-THE REASON IS THAT I HAD SHARED WITH MY MOTHER/INLAW THAT HER SON WAS HAVING ANOTHER AFFAIR AFTER SHE INVITED ME TO TALK!!!!OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS A SET UP JOB BECUASE SHE TOLD THE H EVERYTHING!!!!OF COURSE HE WAS ANGRY BECAUSE HE WAS MORE CONCERNED WITH WHAT THE PASTOR/CHURCH WAS GOING TO THINK NOT THAT I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN!!!I GUESS THE DEVIL REALLY IS WORIKING OVER TIME TO DESTROY MY FAMILY-I AGREE THAT GOD MUST BE VERY UNHAPPY WITH ALL THE DESTRUCTION THAT IS OCCURING.I AM TAKING REALLY VERY SLOW AT THIS TIME-MY BIGGEST WORRY IS TO END UP AT 50 YR WITH HIM WALKING OUT ON ME AND ME PRETTY MUCH NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND ANOTHER H OR SIGNIFICANT PERSON TO BE WITH!!!I FEAR BEING ALONE-IF I COULD JUST GET OVER THAT FEAR,I MOST LIKELY WOULD BE MOTIVATED TO MAKE SOME RADICAL CHANGES DESPTIE MY LOVE FOR HIM BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CONTINUE TO LOVE SOMEBODY WHO CONTINUES TO INFLICT PAIN AND TAKES NO RESPONSIBILTY FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR-I DO UNDERSTAND THAT THE REASON WHY THEY HAVE TO START FINDING A LOT OF FAULT IN YOU IS TO JUSTIFY THEIR BEHAVIOR-UNFORTUNATELY THIS ACTION LOWERS YOUR SELF ESTEEM EVEN MORE SO YOU BECOME EVEN MORE IMMBOLIZED-IT IS JUST A VERY BIG VISCIOUS CYCLE THAT WE GET CAUGHT UP IN-ANYWAY,I DO HOPE YOU BOTH HAVE A SAFE,HEALTHY THANKSGIVING-WE DO HAVE THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR DESPITE THE PAIN WE ARE HAVING.IT IS MY HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO FIND SOME PEACE IN MY LIFE EVENTUALLY-MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU . FONDLY 1719

1719,<p>{{hugs}} Now here is a bit of help.<p>1. When you write, every so often break it up into paragraphs, it helps those of us that need glasses see better. <p>2. There are tools at this site to help. <p> books: surviving an affair - Dr Harley
his needs/her needs - Dr Harley

Love must be tough - Dr James Dobson<p> Basic concepts (located at the top this page under the icon. <p> Phone counseling session with Steve Harley or
Jennifer C. <p>
Emotional needs questionnaire for you first
then your H when he is ready. <p>
3. Sounds like your H has major issues maybe chemical related or not or a combo. You need to get to a doctor to see if you need medication to help you cope through these stressful times. If that is your concern there has been research done here and if you post your question others can help. <p>4. There is a lot of info here, take the time to read it. <p>5. Based on the above, do not make any live altering decisions right now. This is not going to go away over night. Your H's anger needs to be left to him and him alone. Take care of you and your family. Now that others are aware, they can handle him on his own. <p>6. There are 2 basic plans discussed here, plan A and plan B. You will be reading about it in the surviving an affair book and in the basic concepts. Familarize yourself with these plans. It will be helpful to cope with what lies ahead and help strenghten you. <p>7. Post your feelings and vent here. You will find you are not alone in this awful scenario. Some have gone through worse, others less. Insight, opinions and support here comes from all over the world. MB has been very helpful for me. <p>Take Care and welcome to MB.<p>L.

1719 the devil is not destroying your marriage, your H is. God made us with freewill, he is choosing to not be in the marriage by neglecting you, and abusing your trust, the real question is about you. You say you love him, I wonder if maybe you love the idea of being in-love, and are in denial....or are dependent on him for your identity. There is no reason to continue a marriage on this basis, even the Bible does not require it....instead of focusing on H, methinks you need to focus on you, and why you choose this kind of life for you and your children...you don't have to live like this. Set firm boundaries, require H participation in MB principles, and make it clear if (not for sure just if) he does this, and does it well, you might continue the marriage....otherwise you are gone, there are other men out there who will love and cherish you.

1719,<p>Also... please use upper and lower case instead of all uppercase. It is very hard for the human eye to read all caps and paragraph breaks.<p>Z

another suggestion here...there is an EXCELLENT book you would benefit from reading [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>its called ...too good to leave / too bad to stay
i found it on amazon.com just do a title search and there it will be!<p>it really clears up the issues you have about leavibg or staying extremley well [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>i watched my mom go thru this and one day i asked her WHY DO YOU STAY??? well..i got slapped for that hehe<p>but you see? the kids know and it affects them, its not better to stay for the kids when so much disrespect is being shown to them , even if you think you are hiding it well...you are not!<p>this life is your choice , how you live it...and you are dead MUCH longer than you live this one life!<p>you might be surprized how happy you find yourself alone [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ask my mom! it only took her another 20 years of wasted life to get there [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>...and NOW? she will never be eve in a relationship again she says, she has no trust in men ...<p>i domt want you to end up in that boat, she is alone but she says happier and not lonley [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>but to loose all trust..very bad methinks <p>do what you must but do it for YOU [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks for the info on mb-i'ave read most of the info at this point- i'll be taking the emotional test and attempt to get h to do the same. <p>i am grateful that there is a site like this one to assist me and others and one of the most painful times .it my hope that i will be able to obtain help and give help to others.
my life has changed dramatically-i have alote of fear-i will attempt to take one day at a time-i continue to receive spirutual guidance that provides me with some peace. i do realize that my h has to be the one to change.i am attempting to use plan a at this time.<p>my focus at this time will be my girls who have gone through some tremondous pain-i did not realize that the pain for them was just as bsd-one of my girls has requested to see a counselor and i will make an appoitment for her-she is at a most difficult time in her life.please pray for her and my other 2 girls-<p>yesterday,we went shopping together-i did not bring up the ow at all-it was quite pleasant although i know that he called ow while we were out.not sure if he knows that i know this-anyway please continue to pray for me and my family-may GOD continue to bless each and everyone of you.<p>warmly 1719 [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

just another update-he just left to go visit the ow!!!!!!it hurts so bad please continue to pray for me and my girls-<p>i just don't know how to get over this pain!!!!i need to find something to take my mind off of it-i don't want to reach the point of giving up but thats just the way i feel sometime-its very easy to say that you are going to ignore the h behavior but it cuts soooooooooo deep!!!!!!<p>God bless you, 1719
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

1719,<p>Here my dear is a cyber {{hug}}. Best we can do hugging wise on this board. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You mentioned that he needs to change. You are right however, change is meant for all. From what you learn and read here, you will be changing also. Maybe not as drastically as he but you will. <p>Step back and look at the whole picture and the pain you are feeling now along with time will subside. The next few weeks will be hard. Recognize that and now we can begin our work together. <p>Your reading should have shown you that your H is being guided by feelings and forces greater than he can handle. This will lead him to great frustration and bouts with anger. Not just at you and your children but even with the OW. Yep, you got that right. There relationship is not as rosey as you think. See the OW is human also, not some perfectly georgeous totally mentally and emotionaly balanced creature. Call her here what you want (hint: I gave mine the name Mrs. Psyco
Babble Rabbit - PBR for short - but some of the guys here say those initials remind them of a beer so I usually call her by her 'given' name, she 'earned each one'). <p>This is where you need to go and let him wear himself out and find his way back. You can somewhate keep that way paved (plan a stuff) but he will have the make that trek back. If you are the primary 'giver' in this family, be prepared for a rocky ride. The things he may have loved about you and your family could be the very things he throws against you. Be aware. Then learn how to 'duck and cover' when this stuff starts flying. <p>For you I will now share the 5 stages of grieving that has helped me know that my feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration are not isolated. There is a tendancy for some to isolate themselves. Very hard to do when you have children. But you can survive this phase. <p>
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html[/url]<p>Please realize that despite all best intentions it will still be very hard to cope. Here are some thoughts and suggestions to help:<p>1. you can not control the speed of recovery 100% but you can hamper it. <p>2. you will need to know your limitations and work within that boundary.<p>3. you may have periods of frustration. Plan on how to handle them.<p>4. see your doctor if you find your anxiety levels are getting beyond what you can bear. <p>5. if you have anxiety attacks, learn the signs and prepare yourself and others how to handle this. For me this one was very important. <p>6. keep a journal to write down events. Keep it in a safe place. For me it helped me keep my santity. <p>7. don't hide your anxiety attacks or your children's feelings from your H. He needs to see the affect the A is having on those dealing in the real world. Gently and lovingly him know there is a way out of this mess. <p>8. later when you can, reinforce your love for him but don't force it on him. Expect him not to appreciate you right now. <p>9. Post here as often as you need. <p>10. If you can have a counseling session or a few with Steve or Jennifer, give it a try. They are very adapt to what we are all going through. <p>Take Care,
L.