I am venting tonight. I had a great day at school. Got home and checked my email. H wrote me his Dec schedule for flying...He went ahead and scheduled the kids in for two three day weekends in December. He didn't ask me---he just told me that that's when he wanted them. <p>He wants them for the three days before Christmas. The days we finally get off of school, and spend shoping, baking, wrapping and having family time. Is he crazy? Why would I let them go then? I didn't ask for this situation and why should we have to bend to his whims. For months, he has been characterizing Norwegians....well, he has finally got this Norwegian MAD!!!!
He had my son the last two weekends. Last night I asked my son (who is just 8) to help pick up the things in the living room. He ignored me. I said "Kyle, pick up your things. He turned around and screamed at me--"I don't have to--I'll just move out". I couldn't believe it. He has been acting up at school too and also at my best friend's son's birthday party.<p>Is this the life I have to look forward to? I hate it. This man who has been so selfish, so self centered, so irresponsible with his actions---he can dictate to me what he wants. As far as I am concerned--I wish he would fall off the face of the earth. <p>He called my oldest daughter last week and said again that he would pay for her to board her horse in KC with a good trainer. He wrote me tonight and said that he would buy me a van if I would allow him into the house to finish the upstairs. This is after treating me like sh** the last two weekends. I feel like I am going crazy.<p>My van is about to break down. We have to go to Dallas this weekend for a soccer tournament and to see my brother. We have a choice of taking my broken down van, or cramming 5 people into my Grand Am. He wrote me in an email that he had the situation taken care of. Mighty HE has the situation under control. He left an email for me today saying that he rented me a large car--but I have to drive 2 hours to KCI to pick it up. Where is he getting this money? We bounced checks all over last month. I handed him all the unpaid bills and told him to take care of them 2 weekends ago. Creditors have been calling all week. Is he really this bad into the fog? He is taking out a loan from his life insurance. When that is gone---there is nowhere else to get money. He still may be furloughed in March---what then?<p>This man has been parading his bimbo in front of my kids, on the base where we worked together as a team for 8 years. It is an in my face attitude....and I am finally angry. I don't want to be nice any longer. I don't want my kids around him....or at least the littlest time possible, I wish he would go away. He is absolutely sick. I don't want his help, I don't want anything from him anymore...I have had it. Let him go...fine....I will let him go...but he needs to let us go too. He is not good for this family anymore. Sorry for the vent....he has made me so angry.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by miserynmissouri:
<strong>. He didn't ask me---he just told me that that's when he wanted them.
Sorry for the vent....he has made me so angry.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Vent here all you want, that is one of the very best things about this board, you can let it all out and your words don't come back to haunt you.<p>Look at it this way, he may have told you when he wanted them but that doesn't mean you have to agree. <p>How about splitting them the time before Christmas, then you could do all the things it is hard to do with kids to get ready for Christmas & then when you have them you are ready for the fun, let's make memories time.<p>I don't mean to, oh I can't think of the word, but I hope you are just venting here and not to your kids.<p>I slip sometimes and it upsets my sons. Granted your WH is a jerk but you can't let him get to you. Just use him, take whatever he offers and blow off the rest here.<p>My two cents for what little it is worth.

Dear MnM,<p>Hey hon, listen we are here for you. I understand perfectly well how difficult it is to deal with someone whose calculator in their brain either has their batteries put in reverse or it is just plain broke.<p>Now, Mr. Big is making all these promises and it appears he is trying to buy & pull your strings. He has the ability to make you angry and probably the OW is right behind him prompting him. Now is this difusing your anger? A bit? Ok, now think about this. He wants to get you all this stuff? Tell him ok, just send the money. Don't say how you will spend it, just tell him ok, send the money. Kinda repeat it. Yea, it will anger him, just tell him yea, just send the money. See the OW can't get to you if he sends the money. Then you can use that money for the bills. When the kids and everyone keep grumbling about the broken things, he might call back angry. Just tell him again, ok just send the money. <p>Oh that may be a bit harsh, but that is what I had to do. My H had very little money, when I wen to plan B, I would just tell him, here's your mail and just drop off cash (I did not even trust his checks). Eventually the money ran out, OW wanted money and him 24/7. In order to have him at all she had to drop her standards. She went for some money and him 3 days per week (she offered to share - how thoughtful - yuck). Then she even agreed to give him money for the 24/7 option. By that point he wanted out from her. <p>Won't guarantee that will happen to you but reality of money or lack there of, does have the tendancy to bring out the ugly side of an A. <p>Do you have access to the bank account he uses? <p>L.

Thanks Sing and Orchid,<p>I don't know why after all this time, he can still get me so upset.<p>You know, the car rental probably wouldn't have been too bad---but he did it the same way he has always done things--without talking to me, without checking to see if that was what I wanted, and on top of that he made it sound like he was MR. Knight in Shining armour. That infuriated me. If he hadn't had this affair, if he hadn't been charging hotels, restaurants, bimbo dinners etc, etc,---we would have had a new car by now. But "he is doing this for the good of the kids and me"...Yeah, right!!!! OOhh it makes me so mad!!<p>Yes, I do have access to his accounts, and he has access to mine--except for one I started in August. (Remember he spent 3 of my paychecks when I was in Europe with my daughter). I now put my check in my own account.<p>What I really can't believe is that he wants the kids to be with him from the time we get out of school until Christmas Eve--which is when we usually celebrate Xmas. The kids always help me bake, go shopping and wrap presents. I think Meg may be able to drive them up there for one evening---and that's all. Besides that, we aren't divorced yet. I don't want my kids around that bimbo---altho all 4 would probably be great revenge from me. I hate what he has done to our lives. He is such a smuck. HE is starting to disgust me. He wants me to move on for the kids---and act like everything is fine. Maybe in a few hundred years it will be fine. Right now--I am really angry.....and I am sorry if that is not good for the kids, but for the first time I feel so angry. Maybe I need to get angry to get out of this depression. <p>At this point, I don't care what he thinks anymore--I have spent the last 7 months trying to get him out of this FOG. No such luck. So, now he will have to face the consequences. He left us. I hope he sits in that apt and loves his new life...he gave us up. I wish he would just leave us alone. He only messes up our life here worse. I am tired of getting hurt and being treated bad by him. According to him...he has done nothing wrong. I am tired of feeling miserable because of this man....it would be different if this was the first time---but he has done this 6 times. It is ridiculous. What did I fight for all these years. Our 25 years of love and support don't mean a thing to him. I don't want to be treated like that anymore. I am tired of being hurt. I better go to bed. I am sorry I am so ugly tonight. Does life ever get back to some sense of normalacy?

Hi MnM. Oh sweetie I'm so sorry for the misery that jerk is putting you through. We are always here for you so there is absolutely no need to apologize for the vent!<p>First off the bill situation why not call all the creditors in which his name appears on the bill and give them his new address and phone number. Let them call him for awhile.
Secondly did you talk to your lawyer yet about his demands for seeing the children? Is there a set visitation schedule? If not you really need to establish one. Tell him that you already have plans to do things with the children on those days prior to the holiday. You need to be with your children it's going to be hard for you and you need them to help keep you occupied. Besides he has his bimbo!
Good luck my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love,
C

Hi MM, I am so very sorry to hear of your situation. You are a working mother with FOUR kids and now this situation...please try to rise above this at least for your kids' sakes. Focus on your financial situation and trying to resolve that since that in itself affects your children's future and your ability to care for them properly. Stand up and deal with the financial issues on your own. Your H is currently in no position to do it for you and do it correctly. <p>Try not to focus on him and what he is or isn't doing...as soon as you stop focusing on his actions, that is when things start will changing for both of you. I learned the very hard way that you cannot pull them from the fog. They have to do that themselves.<p>Re:Christmas, I think a polite compromise can work. Perhaps instead of the three days give him one day and calmly remind him of your tradition. He's not thinking straight so you've got to be the stable one.<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Well, first off, I love Cybil's idea re bill collectors!<p>I know you are boiling...my ex can still do that after 4 years. I always have a time with my d after she's been to her dad's...comes back all mouthy and snotty.<p>I would take all the money he offers. Every penny. Let him do whatever he wants financially, it's the least he can do.<p>Foremost, though, don't--I don't know how to put this the way I mean to---use the kids as pawns to punish him. First off, they get hurt. Secondly, he is so foggy he won't even realize you're torturing him. Make a reasonable visitation schedule and INFORM him when he can get the kids. If he's already scheduled flights, oh, well, he should have talked to you first. Let him take the lumps where they land.<p>And remember, time wounds all heels. Chin up, girl. Now go plan how to spend HIS money!

Misery ~<p>Here's some thoughts, I don't know what might work for you.<p>As long as there is no divorce, no separation, no temporary orders....he can't force you to turn over the kids. You are calling the shots. Rather than be angry about what he is doing to YOU, try to refocus on what he is doing to your kids. What do your kids need for the holidays? Your kids sound angry!! Can you get them into some kind of counseling? It did wonders for my kids.<p>The stance I took was that my kids needed their dad, but ANY exposure to his relationship with OW was completely unacceptable because of the harm it did to them. <p>How this worked out in reality was that my H was free to see the children whenever he wanted - in our home. I refused to let them visit him over night or out of my supervision until probably about a year into our separation, and that was only after he signed a letter agreeing not to take the children into OW's presence. I had already filed for divorce, and that letter went straight to my attorney in case I needed it for temp orders keeping OW away from my kids while we were still married. My H never got an attorney, didn't know the laws, and really was at my mercy. I don't know if it could be called plan A, but I drew really hard fast boundaries when it came to the kids, made sure that legally I was covered, and then stuck to my guns. <p>I simply told him, you don't get to leave the family and then get the kids on your terms when its convenient for you to make a cute little happy family with your OW. Thats the CONSEQUENCES of your choices. Feel free to come over and visit at OUR home anytime!<p>Being a conflict avoider, and really feeling guilty, he didn't fight me too much - he visited alot, spent the night alot, and gave me a lot of Plan A opportunity.<p>Anyway, when it came to finances - you know what? I did what was suggested here...when bill collectors called, I refered them to him. I had no control over the money, so I didn't try to control what I had no control over. Letting go of that worry was so awesome. He had switched his pay out of our joint account, so I let him worry about collection agencies.<p>When he did do something for me - I thanked him. When he paid off a really big debt we had, I thanked him. When he bought my car at the end of the lease and spent way too much for it, I thanked him. When anytime his solution to a problem was not what I wanted, but was indicative of his attempt to do the right thing by me and the kids, I thanked him and expressed my apprecation and admiration.<p>It sounds to me that your H is TRYING to do something nice for you with the rental. Yes, he isn't consulting you, and thats rude, BUT, in his eyes, if you aren't appreciative, he's going to be offended.<p>So you have an opportunity to Plan A here...<p>There were plenty of times that I had to realize that my H was trying to do something for me, and just accept it, and appreciate and admire him for it. I said THANK YOU many times when I wanted to berate him for causing the problem in the first place.<p>Hope some of this helps.

I think Bramble has given you some absolutely AWESOME advice!!!<p>You do NOT have to allow your children to be in the presence of the OW -- and you can insist, demand, and legally enforce that they are not. Even in the event that you divorce, I have heard about clauses that prevents the introduction of a new significant other for 6 months.

Hi MnM, Sorry your H is being so difficult wanting things his way with the kids. You do whatever best for you and the kids<p>My 12, 15 year old, are also acting up with remarks about moving out, and hurtful things to me, I am drained of everything.<p>
My H doesn't even call or come to see the kids its like we dropped off the face of the earth. Well I hope everything works out for you and you and the kids have a wonderful Thanksgiving.<p> Love Sally