Many of you may know my backgroud. W admits EA, says it may have been heading for PA, but denies PA. Together 9 yrs, m5 with two boys, 3 1/2 and 2. Says she cut off all contact with OP on 10/28 but refuses to address most of my most basic questions about EA, and usually gets angry when subject comes up, which I have been avoiding lately.<p>Right now I am feeling very strongly about flushing out more of the details, asking specific questions, and getting reassurances from W that in fact no contact is ongoing. Spoke to W earlier and said I want us to address a few issues this evening. I have seen too many situations on this board where WS has lied about existence of PA, and after promising no more contact with OP, could not keep this promise. I feel a great need to protect myself. <p>Among various issues, I want to know why W back on pill after stopping it several years ago for health reasons. I want to know if there is still ANY contact with OP with whom she works. I want to know name of OP so I can be better sure no contact with him in future. I want to know why W left question regarding infidelity blank on a depression assessment questionnaire while answering all the rest.<p>There may be reasonable responses to all these questions, but I am obsessing on all the potentially bad answers and it's driving me crazy (even though I'm now on the meds). I figure knowing the truth cannot be much worse than my current state of extreme distress, and I need to accurately assess our situation and my responses.<p>Am I making a mistake by pressing this or do I need to get this in the open? Not doing so is killing me.

*******BUMP********<p>Will be talking to my W shortly and would like input on whether I may be biting off more than I can chew with these questions. Thanks.

I shouldn't even be on here right now... I have a back that's killing me, flu symptoms from my shot, and just a generally tired night... but... on my final run-through the topics I saw your thread, and that nobody had answered it... and it touched me... so here's an answer for you:<p>You deserve to know the answers to your questions, but it's still soon after D-Day, and you might only push her further away by asking.<p>I'd like to see your wife quit her job. I speak from experience -- I was a WS W who had an affair with a man I worked with. You cannot, in my opinion, end the affair completely unless there is NO CONTACT, and that can't happen when you work with the OP. Would she even consider leaving her job?<p>My advice is to Plan A your butt off and hopefully one day very soon she'll feel safe enough to begin answering your questions. Yes, you *deserve* to know the answers tonight, but you may push her further away by pressing for the answers...<p>Hang tight.. and hopefully some others will be by soon to help you out... I'm really hurting here, so hopefully this makes sense...

Has your wife actually said she is recommitted to your marriage?<p>If she hasn't, then your questions are completely out of line for plan A.<p>If she has...what ground rules did you negotiate with her?

You have received good advice thus far.<p>Another thought for you. My H was very reluctant to tell me about his affairs at first. He kept denying everything. Finally I told him as long as he would not tell me anything, I had to assume that the worst had happened. So, since that was my assumption, nothing he told me could surprise me or hurt me any more then I was already hurt.<p>It sunk in after I told him this a few times.<p>Z

Just a thought- I do know the name of the OW and I now obsess about it. I want to know everything about her. So, maybe you are better off not knowing. However, I do realize knowledge is power, so this may be easier said then done. <p>I also think that the only true way to recovery is for her to get another job. Once again however, easier said then done.<p>It is my understanding that the meds take a few weeks to kick in, so hang in there!!!! We are praying for you.<p>AS

Thanks everyone for your input. I did address these issues and received some what I believe to be truthful responses.<p>On issue of restarting birth control pills: the packets I discovered were old and she laughed and said she was throwing them out, she's not on the pill.<p>As to whether there is ANY contact with OP at work, she admitted they have briefly talked a couple of times about how things were going in MC with each other's spouse, but nothing more. I still think this is a VERY bad idea, and asked her to cease all discussions with him. She agreed. They do not work closely together and except for the occasional wave and "hello" she won't commnicate with him. She will be leaving her current job after end of school year (June) and work elsewhere for next school year. She does NOT want to leave before this.<p>As for name of OP: She understands better why I want to know and will think about it. Said she would want to tell OM I know his identity. Don't think this would be a problem and perhaps this would be good way to do the No-Contact letter. She said she scared, I think because I am a lawyer, that I will find a way to get OM fired. I think this just an excuse because I made no theats to that effect. I think she will tell me now.<p>As for not answering the infidelity question on the depression assessment questionnaire, she said the reason was because she was not happy in our M and was having general thoughts about having her needs met elsewhere, even though she actually never did.<p>Overall it went pretty well. Still don't fee very trusting and parts of what she has said (or not sad) just don't feel right. We'll see. I can't say she is totally committed to the M yet, but we're getting there. She did tell me some of the things she liked about OM, and although this was a bit hard to hear, it did allow me to better understand what emotional needs she's not been getting.<p>Are there any forms or suggested wording for these no-contact letters?? Thanks, RJ