I got home from work tonight. My best friend here called. That is our "third" party that H is supposed to work with.<p>My H. called her last night. He told her that I refused to give him her email address and that I had written him two horrible emails when he had just tried to be nice.<p>Actually, I had answered his emails about the schedule with the kids and the car he rented for us. I told him that the kids had busy schedules over the holidays with basketball practice starting and with us getting ready for Christmas ourselves.I said it might be better if he came here to visit them. I read to her what I wrote him.<p>Anyway, she confirmed I didn't have her email address. He then told her that he was uncomfortable around her and her husband. He wants to go over to their house and tell his side of the story. She told him that that may be awkward because her H is a family man and he doesn't agree with what my H has done. My H then told her that I was emotionally unbalanced and had been for 20 years. He said that his mom, who is a counselor agrees with him and thinks the divorce will be better for the kids. I was totally shocked. He also said that our marriage was a mistake from the beginning and that we should never have gotten married. He told her that I was going crazy over our finances and that he doesn't understand that--we have plenty of money. <p>Ohhhh...the horror of this whole situation. How could he say something like that? He went on to tell her that I was a horrible parent. I had ruined my oldest two daughters. They scream and yell at me, according to him. He said he won't let that happen with my two younger children. This from a man who has never been there for any of them. I have great kids...they are not angels, but they are loving, caring and responsible. They have helped me so much through this mess. They just don't want to deal with him anymore. I was afraid he would start attacking them too. This is going to be my worst nightmare.
Everyone says that things have to get better...but why does it just seem to be getting worse?<p>I am afraid he has been saying this all over town. How embarassing...how sick. I have been part of this community for 8 years...do you think people will believe him. My friend said he came on as so sure of himself and smooth. That is my H. The only way he can survive with what he has done, is to ruin me. How very sad. I am so disgusted, I feel like I could throw up.How could he do this to my best friend here--who knows me inside and out and has been here with me for 8 years. Our kids have grown up together. What did he think he would accomplish? <p>In the meantime, he called here on my answering machine 4 times. He tried to convince me to take the rental car--explaining it was only and hour and 15 min out of our way. Then he called back and offered to fly Meg and Mandy to Memphis, so that he could see them there and then he would get them on a plane to Dallas. Then he called back again and said he was going to go ahead and make the reservations and he would let me know how to do it. Such help from this man. He ended every conversation with "I love you all". He also said that he remembered our Thanksgiving in Dallas last year and it was unfortunate that he was not going to be there this year but it was reality, but he wishes that we have a great time. This was after he had called my friend to tell her what a horrible, unstable person I was. This is getting so crazy. Is my mom right, he is really crazy. <p>I definitely want a divorce. How could you ever rebuild from that? I feel shattered. I feel dumb for having put so much faith and love into this man. I feel like a fool. How could he do this. Sure explains why his parents aren't calling or being supportive. What do you think he has been telling them? On the other hand---who cares?

MnM,<p>First, great big hugs. You need it Hon.<p>Your H is losing it, sorry. He is really acting erractic. I think he's trying to keep everyone from hating him by lying about you and blaming you, but at the same time trying to manage your emotions by doing nice things for you and the kids. <p>He sounds very much like my H, manipulative. My counselor told me my H was manipulating me and the situation (incl. OW) and I went home and thought about it. The next time I talked to him, I told him I wouldn't let him manipulate me anymore (an LB BUT ....) he paused for a long time and then said, "who have you been talking too?" <p>MnM, I think you should stop listening to your H. He's flippin out, and I hink he's starting to realize it. He's having problems juggling everything and eventually things will not go his way. Watch out for when that happens, MnM, don't let him blame you, just walk away. Don't LB back.<p>I'm sorry about all the bad rumors, but people that know you will not believe it, you need to give people more credit for how they see you, MnM. They know you're a good person and mother and wife. Just like we do. Please don't worry about this.<p>Jo

Dear MnM,<p>I am sorry to hear your pain. Do you really believe that others are buying all this stuff? Sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it to. Well he will have his piece but it may not be what he wants. <p>As hard as this sounds, if you can stick it out to watch him longer he sounds like he is tottering. Yes, he sounds self assured. Actually it sounds more like he is testing the waters. You did not say what your friend thought of his speech. <p>I know you are hurt by what she was told, did you want her to tell you? The following actions by your H sounds like he is off balanced. Usual for the WS to be like this. He appears to be trying to appease his actions. He claims to have lots of money, then have him give it to you or you go get it. You can do what you need to take care of your family. <p>I am not sure your status with your in-laws but if possible let them know how he has left you and your children in a financially unstable state. That way when he tries to bad mouth you to them they will have to think twice. Whether they do or not is up to them. Fortunately for me my in-laws basically supported our family. H outcasted himself. Now he has to work back to his family something he was never good at anyway. <p>You know, your road ahead is tough no matter which way you go. You will survive though and your feeling right now are truly understandable. The question is, is this the right time to be thinking about D? Well, before you make any life changing decisions, you can use this time to research your options. You could look for a lawyer and read up on the laws. This will give you knowledge and prepare in case a big battle ensues. Also it will give you time to cool down a bit so that when you have to make decisions it will be with a clearer head and less pain. <p>You have done good so far. Don't despair. You and your children will survive. If your friend is willing to lend an ear then use her. Take advantage of all that can help. Don't be afraid MnM, we are also here to help. <p>Take Care..... [[Hugs]]<p>L.

misery you are coming unglued, take slow deep breaths... whatever the truth about your (and H) life, going crazy over it will not help you or the kids. IMO (and no offense at all) you are obsessing and looking at the worst possible explanation for everything. I know you can't help it, but you can try to get your brain to seize some control back from your emotions. Just live your life as pragmatically as you can for now, let you H, your friend, relatives, and everyone else worry about themselves. If someone thinks ill of you, that is their problem, if you misbehave then apoligize, and correct as needed, and move on...for your sake. Try to stop reacting, you will either make errors of judgement, or fall prey to real manipulation, either way it is not healthy...ya know? Life isn't over misery, even if it feels like it, there are good things in store for you, but you won't see them if you stay stuck....yeah it sucks, is unfair, and all that. But the kids are healthy, you live in America, and that is enough. You are a good woman, a good mom, and a good wife, this is not a failure, it is just messy life, remember every ending is also a new beginning. You need to do something for yourself, even if it is small, take a class, join an exercise thingy, make a new friend (one who knows nothing about all this), learn a new skill/hobby (or revitalize an old one)...whatever, just for YOU.

What I worry about is the personification he displayed to everyone for years here.<p>He loved being the big B-2 pilot. Really fed his ego. He has gone into more of my children's classes then I could say. If you had looked at our marriage, you would never have known all this crap was going on. People are shocked. They can't believe it.<p>Now he is spreading rumors that I am unbalanced and have been for 20 years. The people that know me and know him better will know the truth. But a lot of people will just see the B-2 pilot...what will they think. I think I think I really need to get this man out of my life. Maybe that is why I have had to go through this. My mom said it is God's way of getting me out of hell. She said I would never have let go without this. Hate to say it--but I think my mom is right again [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We are leaving for Dallas tomorrow...and I am determined to let go of this. Maybe you will see the old me when I get back. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone. Thank you so much for your love and kindness and concern shown. It has really helped me through many of these dark days.

Thanks for the posts...I am glad I am getting out of here for a few days.<p>SNL...you know...I do well at work, where I am most of the time. I am having a great year teaching this year...but when I walk in this door--I keep getting hit with something else.<p>I thought I handled the emails ok yesterday...I was polite but just stated the facts. It threw me for a loop that he wanted the kids for three days before Christmas tho.<p>Tonight, I just wanted to get some school work done, wash clothes, clean up the house a little and get packed. Instead I have been fuming over what my friend said he said to her. You are right...I am obsessing over him too much. <p>My new mantra is ...I will let go , I will let go, I will let go. That is probably the first time I have been ever able to say something like that. I did join an exercise class too--I start the Monday after Thanksgiving. Anyone heard of curves? Supposed to do wonders 30 minutes/3 times a week. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I think I am making a little progress. It sure helps to be able to vent here tho. Thank you again for caring...I feel a little better right now. I think you are right...I think I will make it. Maybe it will be fun for a change. Thanks for the encouragement.

Aaaah my H did the same thing....told everyone that I was completely nuts for years.<p>It's simply more rationalization for his behavior - he feels small, so he needs to make you small to feel big.<p>I totally understand about the ego thing too, my H was a naval aviator. Ugh.<p>But you know what? No one who's opinion really mattered to me believed what he said.<p>Even his LANDLADY, who didn't know me and who heard from OW about what a complete abusive psycho I was - didn't believe him. She called me several weeks after he moved home and told me this! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also learned to remind myself that it wasn't my business what other people thought about me ... it left me alot more free time to get on with what I was supposed to be doing instead of obsessing.