My W seems now to be commited to working on M, but I'm still doing nearly all of the work. We are in IC & MC and things seem to be getting better. One thing that does worry me is that she bought book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" which seems to be about deciding whether to stay in relationship. So I question her level of commitment. Is anyone familiar with his book??? Is it one likely to fill her head with reasons to leave instead of commiting to marriage?<p>My major issue is: Last night we had long discussion about OM and her EA. She seemed to provide me with truthful answers but said she and OM have had several brief conversations about how things were proceeding with their respective spouses in counseling. I thanked her for sharing this and said ALL contact with OM, her coworker, must stop. I think it is time for No Contact letter. Brought this up with W and she said she did not intend to give OM any letters. I am going ask again that she do this.<p>Are there any specific items that should or should not be included in such a letter? How do I know she actually delivers letter to OM. Do I request he initial copy of letter or do we send it to his home or work via certifed mail? Would appreciate your experiences in this regard.

Hello RJB2,<p>Just some initial thoughts I have - you asked your W to do a No Contact letter to the other man and she said she had no intention of doing that. I would suggest (and this is just my opinion, others may disagree) that you don't push it. In my experience, any attempt by me to pressure my H into doing something he has already said he doesn't want to do is a major LB. I ask once, and if he says no, I leave it for a while and then ask again when I feel the time is right. <p>If your W has said she doesn't want to do a letter to the OM, then I think perhaps that should be respected right now. She has already said she is still talking to him, so obviously there hasn't been any commitment from her to not do so. Therefore, how can you ask her to do a letter? <p>Something else you said also struck me - "My W seems now to be commited to working on M..." I guess I'm wondering if she has actually said that to you or is that your interpretation based on her actions? If she has said that she is commited to doing the work, then excellent! Then perhaps you can approach the No Contact letter issue along those lines. <p>This is all, of course, based on my own experience. The less I pressure my H, the less I demand, the less I ask, the better he responds. I have finally understood that he will deal with this in his own time. Since I'm in Plan A, I have to accept this and behave and react in ways that suit me and make him feel more secure and safe. Pressure, demands, tears and anger are all big-time LB for him, so I avoid them like the plague. <p>I'll say it again - you've asked once, she said no. Leave it. Don't ask again unless she has said to you she is commited to the work. If she has, then talk rationally and sanely about the importance of removing the OM from the picture and the reasons behind that. It will be very difficult for her to do if she is emotionally attached to this man and expect withdrawl to set in when she does. <p>Good luck to you! Hope my advice didn't sound cold - wasn't meant that way!<p>:)
venusenvy

Thanks venusenvy:<p>W actually has not stated verbatim that she is committed to working on our marriage, so I guess I need to clarify this. Perhaps doing no contact letter is putting cart before the horse. My plan was not to try and force her to deliver no contact letter, but to outline what I would like to see in letter and discuss reasons for doing this. Her IC, who is also our MC, told W it may take up to 2 years for her to regain feelings of love for me and W seemed to understand it would be a long process. IC aso told W that she must cut all contact with OP.<p>W and I are seeing MC later today so I will bring this subject up. Thanks.