I am new here but am not sure if this is the proper place to post. My wife and I have been seperated for almost 4 weeks now. Our situation has become so complex I don't even know where to start anymore. Suffice it to say I left because my drinking and pent up anger got the best of me and it was best for her and the kids if I not be around.<p>As my alias states - this is my 4th failure in a marriage. Hopefully my last. It's becoming obvious that either I (a) don't really need to be married or (b) I am dumb as a rock and am blinded by my own stupidity. <p>I guess a little background is in order.<p>Married at 17 to Wife A. Lasted 3 years.
Divorced Wife A but continued seeing her.
Remarried Wife A one year after the divorce. had 2 sons. Lasted 3 years (again).
Seperated/Divorced Wife A.
Married Wife B 2 months after 2nd divorce from Wife A. Lasted 13 1/2 years with 2 more sons.
Met present Wife 1 year after divorce from Wife B. Have since been together 4 1/2 years/married 3 1/2 years.<p>Wow - I just read over that and I'm almost ashamed to post it now. Funny how sometimes we answer some of our own questions while composing them. <p>I spent the past few weeks blaming this seperation on myself 100%. After all - all I've heard for the past 2 years is that I'm a drunk and need help and everything would be OK if I went and got help. Maybe that's true. What started out as 2-3 beers a night 3 years ago has ended up a 12 pack a night up until recently. Couple that with the way we've argued and fought every night and it's no wonder everyone needs counceling. My friends and family warned me that I wouldn't be able to handle this marriage - and it looks like they were right.<p>The environments that my wife and I were raised in were almost totally opposite. She was raised in a large family. I only had 1 sister. I have 4 sons, but rarely ever had them all 4 at the same time. My wife has four children from 2 different marriages the oldest 19 now and the youngest 10. At one point about 1 1/2 years ago I was the sole support for 9 people. It's since dropped off to 5. When my ex-wife bought a house locally my 2 youngest sons moved in with her to get away from the crowd. My oldest stepdaughter is married and moved out.<p>I am presently living with a close friend and am helping my wife out for 3 months while she gets established in a job. The thing I struggle with daily is I love her so much, but I don't know what to do. I still enjoy a beer or two in the evenings - but have no desire for the 12pack thing. I think I'm scared that maybe we married for the wrong reasons. I think ....hell I don't know what I'm thinking right now.<p>I think I'm beginning to see ME enough to know I don't really LIKE me.<p>I apologize for wasting anyone's time. I need to think this stuff out before I drive myself crazy.

4TL,<p>Welcome! I am new around here as well. I gotta tell you everyone has been so patient and supportive around here. If you are looking to improve yourself and work on your marriage, you have come to a great place. Many of those you will find here are experienced and have endured extreme pain and can offer invaluable advice.<p>Others will come and offer additional advice. You are welcome here and you are not wasting anyone's time. We are all here to help each other. <p>Just a question -- what led up to your seperation? Many here are dealing with affairs and the resulting mental anguish and emotional rollercoaster. Can you give us some background about what has happened between you and your W that led to this?<p>Good luck...I'll check back later to see how you're doing.

4TL---<p>Don't run away...I'd give anything if my H would face facts about himself...hard truths are hard truths, but 1/2 the battle is facing them...\<p>You're halfway there.<p>This is a very supportive environment...we can be hard on each other...kinda make ourselves face the music...but then that is what this journey is all about...getting 'unstuck.'<p>Good Luck. I hope you will return.

4Time, Welcome to MB. First I think you should change your name from 4timeloser to 4time's the charm! You're figuring out that you have issues. That's the biggest step. A lot of people come to this board because they want to blame someone. The forum you've posted in is mainly for those of us suffering with infidelity. There are, however, many helpful, insightful people here. Please look around on the board and see if there's a good place for you. This forum is the most active. Read all about Marriage Builders principles, the Emotional Needs articles; Marriages seem to breakdown when the parties involved do not consider each other's most important emotional needs. Go to the bookstore on this site. There are many books here that are helpful for restoring relationships. Are you in counseling for yourself and your issues? That's a big first step to take. If you love your wife, and it sounds like you do, then take the steps necessary to make your marriage a better one. You can only be responsible for your behavior, but maybe if you like the principles you read about here, you can share these with your wife and begin again. Much prayers and good luck to you. Please keep us informed of your progress!!<p>MOM

Pshaw! You are never a waste of our time! And to answer your subject line--if you are a human who has, has had or hopes to have a relationship with another human, then you belong here. <p>You are obviously not dumb as a rock--your post seems full of self-realization--don't think rocks care if they are dumb! You are smart enough to know that you don't have all the answers--none of us do. I think also that you have three marriages that didn't work out---the failures are not yours alone. Two have to share that responsibility.<p>Time for some sober truth: Drinking or not drinking does not eliminate our problems. We all have problems and simply putting the bottle down doesn't solve them. Drinking and other unhealthy behaviors erode people and relationships. Think of it like this: water drips for a long time on the mortar between bricks, so long that the mortar weakens and erodes, the wall becomes unstable, unsafe. Of course, the first step is fix the leak---you've done that. But there's gonna have to be some rebuilding of that wall to make it secure again. And that takes work and time. So it is with relationships.<p>Friends/family mean well when they give 'advice' but really no one knows what goes on in a marriage except the people involved. I take all advice with a grain of salt or two.<p>I honestly think tht since you know you have aproblem with alcohol, you should go to an AA meeting or three. Stop drinking completely. It's a crutch to avoid dealing with your life-something that is going to have to be done anyway.<p>And, please, as MOM said, change your name! You are not a loser. If you were, you wouldn't be here looking for help.

4TimeLoser,
Welcome ... this is the place to help your M. I think you should show imidiate change to your W by dropping that bottles. Get help right away. Go to library or book store to buy His Need Her need and chek up on the links below :
General Welcome for All New Builders
Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes
Plan A misapplication by Distress <p>Keep posting I am sure there are many have experience on both side dealing with M trouble combine with drinking problem.

4Timer,<p>Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.<p>My husband of 1.5 years and I are each in our third marriage. When I first brought that out here, I was a little shy about it. But you see, life takes weird twists. One of my favorite sayings is that life is what happens as we are planning for the future. Here is a quick history...<p>
My H married first wife at 26, she left him after 1 year for some druggy, biker dude. He was in the Army and in the field a lot. She was 20 and not capable of living the life of an Army wife.<p>AT 35 he married his second wife. They were married for 14 years and had 3 children. Somewhere in the last 5 years of that marriage she started drinking, doing drugs, and sleeping around. She was a "stay home" mom who was never home with the kids. They divorced after she abandoned the family to live with her boyfriend.<p>I was married at 22 to a man who suffered an brain anurism caused by the speed he was taking. I was too nieve at that age to realize that he had a drug problem. After the brain surgery for his anurism, it was like he lost the good part of his personality. He became more addicted to drug and violent. We were married for 4 years. I left him the day he tried to kill me.<p>I married my second husband when I was 35. He and I met at the university. He was working on a Masters in Engineering and I was finishing my BS in Computer Science. When I married him I thought I'd finally picked a normal, decent man. Over the next 14 years of our marriage he got progressively meaner verbally, emotionally and physically. We have one son. After our son was born my H withdrew totally from me. It turns out that he was having one affair after another then entire time we were married. During all of this mess I put him through medical school and residency. He repayed me by contining his affairs and abuse, moving all of my money to accounts in his and his mothers name. Then, we spit two months after he completed his residency. - It was a combination of me getting out as fast as I could and him kicking me out (LOL) (yes I can laugh about it now.) He told me that he did not want to be married because he did not want to have to share his money with anyone. The the sweetie tried to get custody of our son and possetion of everything that we had, even things I had before I married him and things like antiques that were from my family. <p>My current husband (he uses the name SeenTheLight here on MB) and I met 3 years ago. We were both freshly out of our second marriages. We fell in love and got married on 6/6/2000. So this is the third marriage for both of us. I was very very happy and he said he was too.<p>Then on March 22 (D-day) of this year I found out that STL had been having affairs with women he met on the internet the entire time we were engaged and married... 10 of them. Then there were the other 30 - 40 women on his IM chat list... just friends. <p>We found the book Surviving an Affair (sold on this web site) and the MB site a couple of weeks after D-day. At that point I could not see how we could remain married. Who was this man I'd married and what in the hell had I done marrying him.<p>Well, we both read the book, and the other MB books, and we became active in this web site. What we came to realize is not that we were terrible people, but that we did not know what a good marriage was. We both came from families with problems and had never had the example funtional marriage. We knew marriage was hard work. We also knew that the cards were stacked against us. Perhaps that was one of the reasons for his affairs. After his history of wives leaving him, he could buffer himself emotionally and even control when I would leave.<p>The MB material has taught us what a good marriage is. It has taught us what the work is that we are supposed to be doing in our marriage. Today, 8 months later we have a much better relationship then we did before. We have a better one then I have ever had with anyone. We now understand the why's and wherefores of his affairs. We understand how to make our marriage happy, how to maintain the passion and romantic love, and how to keep our marriage affair proof.<p>If you take the MB material seriously it can save your marriage. I know that from experience.<p>There, I shared my story with you because I don't want you to feel that you have to be embarrassed or ashamed of anything here on MB. Between all of us here we have see and done just about everything. The important thing is that we all look into ourselves and strive to become better people and build stronger marriage.<p>God Bless<p>Z

Thank you so much for the replies. I've been lurking here for about a week. Actually heard of this site on a post over in DivorceInfo.<p>I think you're correct in stating I should seek a councelor. I really need to talk to someone as this "awakening" if you will is tearing me up.<p>Some of the things I'm realizing and or questioning:<p>(1) Did my wife and I rebound into each others arms. She was seperated from her now ex-husband and dating another man when I met her. She didn't start divorce proceedings against him until we had lived together for several months. I had only been divorced for a year and - looking back - hadn't fully recovered from that.<p>(2) Looking at my past I've never really been alone. At my age now (45) it's a scary thought. But then again - fear of the unknown.<p>(3) Stepchildren. I feel like I just don't "fit in". Can't discipline them or daddy gets involved and threatens all kinds of crap. I feel trapped.<p>(4)In the years my wife and I have been together I have ashamedly let my own children want for attention. I have to work on this one quickly. Three of my sons are grown and gone, but the high school sophomore is ADHD and needs my help/companionship.<p>(5)Anger management. 'nuf said about that one.<p>
And finally<p>(6) Looks like I WON'T be needing this prescription for Viagra after all.<p>Have a Happy Thanksgiving<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: 4TimeLoser ]</p>

ZW - Thank you for sharing that. You touched on something that has bothered me a lot. That of not having an "ideal" marriage to benchmark one's relationship against. <p>I and my sister were both adopted. Although I can understand now why my parents were like they were - as a child it was just "normal" that mommy and daddy fought and argued all the time. My mother had cancer of the uterus when she was in her early 20's and had a hysterectomy. Unfortunately she never took the hormones the doctor prescribed and years later I realized I was raised by a mentally unstable person. She passed away a few years ago from cancer.<p>My father was in the Marines and, although he received an Honorable Discharge - he never REALLY left the Marines. He was a strict, authoritative disciplinarian who led his families life by the motto "It's my way or the highway". I chose the highway when I was 17.<p>Through the years I've sensed the inability in myself of ever really COMMITTING to a relationship. Geez it hurts to admit that. In my current situation - I love my wife. But I don't feel I've truly committed myself to her. Is it from fear of being hurt again like I was when my wife of over 13 years left me and our sons for a man she'd only known 2 weeks. Footnote - this guy ended up in prison 7 months later for diamond theft.<p>I'm glad I found this place. I thought I had problems and some of you blessed folks problems make my life look rosy.