I broached some difficult questions with my W last night re: her EA and the OP. This has been major LB in past but it went pretty well. About 6 years ago, b4 we were married, my W and I took an intensive couples class through PAIRS, which stands for practical application of interpersonal relationship skills (I think). It mainly is designed for couples and doesn't actually focus on recovery from infidelity.<p>There are many communication tools they teach, however, which I believe can be helpful to the BS when they want to address a difficult topic with the WS. One such tool is known as a SHARED MEANING. <p>The way this tool works is as follows:
The spouse who wants to communicate asks for permission to do so and tells how long it will take (less than 15 minutes, usually 5-10). The couple face each other, no distractions, and hold hands. The 1st spouse starts telling the other how they feel about a certain situation. Every few sentences or so the spouse who is listening stops the communication and repeats what the other just said. It does not have to be verbatim so long as the gist and emphasis of the communication is repeated. The other spouse continues and the listener repeats at proper intervals until it is over. The communicating spouse then thanks the listener and they usually hug.<p>The reason this works so well is that the communicating spouse puts a reasonable time limit on the communication so the listener feels safe. Also, since the listener repeats everything said, the communicating spouse is certain the listener understood the exact communication that was intended. ONE IMPORTANT NOTE: The listening spouse is NOT obligated to respond in any way to the communication. They can if THEY want to, but the tool is designed to allow one spouse to be certain that his/her feelings on a subject are properly understood by the other. The ultimate intent is to build a confiding, closer relationship.<p>This really worked well for us and mostly helped avoid LBs. Anyone else here familiar with these PAIRS concepts and, if so, have you been able to use the tools to help rebuild your marriage?
