Hi All,<p> Any and responses welcome. I used the format of another poster. With many changes for my own feelings and thoughts. <p> Someone said I might want to add a timeline into the letter. What do you all think? Anything else you can think of would be appreciated greatly.<p> Jerry<p>
Dearest Wife,<p> It is with a heavy heart that I sit here and type this letter to you. I will never have a more difficult task than this. Let me try to explain.<p> First let me apologize for the mistakes I have made that helped lead to the demise of our marriage. The many mistakes I have made cannot be changed no matter how much I wish it. Realizing this, I have learned from them and taken the necessary steps to ensure they will never occur again. I was selfish and only thought of myself for so long. Those actions allowed a void to grow in our marriage which allowed your affairs to be possible. I did not listen when you tried to tell me what you needed from me. The affection, the romance, the conversation, my time. You told me how much you needed those things, but I couldn't hear you. I could not understand that you needed more than I was offering. For that I am deeply sorry. I want you to know that my lack of attention to my beautiful wife will never happen again. <p> I did not know what it took to have a truly fulfilling marriage for both of us, nor how to meet your needs as I should have. I can not tell you I have all the answers now about how to have the perfect marriage, but I have learned a lot about companionship, caring, honoring, and cherishing. And I want to learn so much more about how to be a loving man and husband. I want to be the man you are proud to say is your husband. The same as I was always proud to call you my wife. <p> Since March, I have been attempting to learn to be a better husband to you. To give you hope that we could rebuild our marriage into something far better than either of us could have imagined. However the past few months have been the worst in my life. The pain I live with is almost too much to bear. The only thing that keeps me going is the memories of the love we once shared. Of all the good times used to have together. And, the knowledge of how we could make those memories pale in comparision to future new ones.<p> Unfortunatly, I now find those thoughts of what we were, and feelings of the future fading away. Before those feelings and thoughts of what were us, and our future are gone completely I must take some drastic steps.<p>(Wife), as you know I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes I have made in the past, and make our marriage stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With every fiber of my being, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One in which our love for each other reaches to the heavens. One in which we both feel safe, loved, cherished, and honored. I simply can not continue in these efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still in contact with any other men. We can only rebuild our marriage, together, when you are no longer in contact with any other guy.<p> Until that happens I feel I must end all contact with you. I do this only to preserve the remaining love I have for you. I will avoid seeing you, talking to you, or communicating with you in any way. We can make arrangements for me to have the children for visitation. But after that all contact between us will cease. Any communication between us should go through your brother or a mutual friend of your choice. Of course, if there is an extreme emergency, you may call me at any time.<p> I hope you understand that I am not doing this to punish you or hurt you in any way. I do this only to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to protect my love in this way. You must know the pain and torment I have lived with because of your contact with other men. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing you are seeing others. This is necessary to give our marriage the best chance at recovery, and to avoid losing the remaining love I have for you.<p> I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently end all contact with OM, and you are willing to construct a plan that will ensure total seperation from him or any other. <p> Until that time I will continue to pray for our marriage and us as a family. <p> I will keep the vision of our future together. Of our happy family, together completely again. It is a vision of our relationship where all of our needs are being met. A relationship that no others can come between. I know this can happen. What anyone other than you think of us is not, nor has it ever been of any importance to me or my feelings for you. I have loved you with my whole being since we started dating till now and into the future. My failure was in not showing that to you. Now, I cannot be here for you or help you, as long as you have other relationships with other men.<p> Your Loving Husband
Jerry

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jdmac1:
<strong>We can make arrangements for me to have the children for visitation. But after that all contact between us will cease. Any communication between us should go through your brother or a mutual friend of your choice. Of course, if there is an extreme emergency, you may call me at any time.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Jerry,
I think you should pre-arrange the communication means, it is up to you now. Just to reduce the communication to bargaining which one, brother or freind. Scary, but you are in control. IMHO, you should not set the time limit, let it hanging.<p>I just saw you prior posting {{{{{HUG}}}}}} ... let the letter sit for a few days, just to make sure you are not rushing.<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Thanks redhat,<p> I think that is a good idea, I will remove the friend of her choice and keep it to her brother..<p> Anyone else around? <p> jd

Jd, <p>I wanted to wait until a few others posted but here is my take. You spent a good portion of your letter apologizing. While this is helpful, I believe that the ratio of apologizing outweighs the meat of plan B. Therefore, she may not see the importance of your letter. It looks more like an apology letter. <p>So my take is tone down the apology to 2 -3 sentences. Short and sweet. Build up the need to reduce contact. State your boundaries clearly (ex: children, money, mail), provide instructions on how contact is to be maintained, list preapproved 3rd party contact. If she contests it, let her don't anticipate that for her in the letter. <p>End it with your desired outcome, reinforce your love for her and your family. As you said, show her that all family members are important to you including her. When she is ready to have a serious talk, you will be ready to talk. Until then you can no longer take the emotional anguish she is putting upon you. <p>I think you have the gist of it. If you want, check out my plan B thread there are some sample letters in there. <p>Take Care,
L

jd,<p>It's always difficult to provide feedback on these types of letters because they often come directly from the heart and therefore carry a lot of emotional content. In reading this letter your pain and remorse is tangible and I'm so sorry for you. <p>However, this is a letter which communicates your consequences of your Ws continued behaviour. If you spend too much time taking the blame and appologising for your mistakes, there is always the danger that in her mind this may justify her actions. Also, you often repeat yourself and that confuses the messaging. <p>I reviewed the letter and reworked it slightly if anything just to provide you a comparison which may create some further ideas for you. Take a look and see what you think. <p>I can see that you are starting to take control of your life and that is the best step you can make. Good for you.<p>take care of yourself,<p>- Freddy<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Dearest Wife, <p>It is with a heavy heart that I sit here and type this letter to you. I will never have a more difficult task than this. Let me try to explain. <p>First let me apologize for the mistakes I have made that helped lead to the demise of our marriage. I did not know what it took to have a truly fulfilling marriage for both of us, nor how to meet your needs as I should have. I can not tell you I have all the answers but I have learned a lot about companionship, caring, honoring, and cherishing. And I want to learn so much more about how to be a loving man and husband. I want to be the man you can be proud of.<p>Since March, I have been attempting to be a better husband. To give you hope that we could rebuild our marriage into something far better than either of us could have imagined. However the past few months have been the worst in my life. The pain I live with is almost too much to bear. The only thing that keeps me going is the memories of the love we once shared. Memories of all the good times we had together. And, the knowledge of how we could make those pale in comparision to future ones. Unfortunatly, I now find those thoughts of what we were, and feelings of what we could be fading away.<p>Before those feelings and thoughts of what were us, and our future are gone completely I must take some drastic steps. (Wife), I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With every fiber of my being, I want a marriage in which our love for each other reaches to the heavens. One in which we both feel safe, loved, cherished, and honored. However, I simply cannot continue in these efforts while you are still in contact with the OM. We can only rebuild our marriage, together, when this relationship stops. Until that happens I feel I must end all contact with you. <p>I will avoid seeing you, talking to you, or communicating with you in any way. We can make arrangements for me to have the children for visitation. But after that all contact between us will cease. Any communication between us should go through your brother. Of course, if there is an extreme emergency, you may call me at any time. <p>You must understand that I am not doing this to punish or hurt you in any way. I do this only to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give me and our marriage a chance that my love for you is still strong. I ask that you respect my decision to protect my love in this way. I am willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently end all contact with OM, and you are willing to construct a plan that will ensure total seperation from him or any other. Until that time, I will continue to pray for our marriage and us as a family. <p>I have loved you with my whole being since we started dating till now. My failure was in not showing that to you. <p>Your Loving Husband
Jerry<p><hr></blockquote>

jd - ditto Orchid and Freddy<p>Having done this, I'll offer that Plan B with kids is darn near impossible, but necessary to try nonetheless. The tough part is the dearth of communication. My "communication" paragraph was quite a bit less restrictive than yours and my W's attorney used it against me to characterize how harmful it would be to my son. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>With this in mind, try out this version (from Freddy's adaptation):<p>"I request that all direct communication between us cease except for that required for the welfare of our children. Even then, I request this be done via e-mail or voice mail. Direct face-to-face contact must only occur while exchanging the children between us after we establish a visitation routine. Your brother has agreed to to act as an intermediary and we should rely on him whenever possible. Of course, if there is an extreme emergency, you may call me at any time."<p>WAT

JD
I think it should get the job done if you were to give it to her. IMO since I am a WS I would feel guilty having had read how you feel sorry for what mistakes you had made.
You sound like you are hurt, soft but almost to the point, and wanting her to awake and rebuild the marriage.<p>Maybe you can be more to the point by saying you are so hurt and you don't want any contact at all. (which you already did but softened it up)<p>Good luck, {{{Many Hugs}}} Sherry

JD,<p>I think its a wonderful letter, after the adaptations have been made. Only you know your W and how this will set her feelings. Write it out several more times by hand and see if those feelings become more personal. Typing somewhat mechanical tends for us to miss emotions some times. Hand writing the final draft will make the letter much more personable. I'd choose a pleasant, soft stationary from hallmark or kinko's also to set your mood, feelings and tone. This after all will be the last handwritten contact you are giving to the woman you once knew. Things from here change everything, and there is no turning back.......never. She is the one that has to turn to you and say I'm ready... and you need to be in the position that your love for her at this point will do nothing more than eventually die a natural, time dusted, spiderweb gathering death. Are you really that ready to let that dust and webs cover the love that you have for your wife? <p>and now... you know me.. JD, you promised her forever, in sickness and health, in good times and bad, until death do you part...<p>so, is your limitations of forever up? If it is, I'm sorry for you, your children and mostly for the poor woman that will wake up one morning to chilling cold cries of silence and abandonment. For she will truely have to go through life knowing that her husband tried and she awoke to late to his cries across space and time.<p>JD, I love you man.. I'm here for you, may God bless you as you make your journey with him, whether with your W or alone. Peace and Strength go out to you. The shifting sands are encroching the beachhead of a cornerstone in your life, may God bless you.<p>Always

whoa.... you said any and all responses welcome... you KNEW what H2Y would say. <p>You've gotten some great advice from everyone here. I am no Plan B expert.<p>I like Freddy's "renovations" as well. I think it's good. I agree that you need to look at it again tonite, then put it down and look at it tomorrow..... to be sure it's everything it needs to be. I'm going to study the Plan B basics and samples myself to work on my letter.

Thanks Everyone,<p> I will take Faith1's advice I think, look at it put it down, look at it again. Then incorporate some of your great advice. <p> Yes, H2Y knows just how to get me thinking more indepth. Thanks man. <p> And, Thank you all. Don't know what I would do without you guys great help.<p> jd