<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</p>

Hi Gibby,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, most of us are here as a result of an emtional affair(EA). That's just for starters. However, this is where most of the fantasizing begins. Your W does not sound like she is in withdrawal, it she sounds like she is going head first into the EA. This could turn PA given enough time. <p>This is not a quick fix site. It will take time and dedication to learn the info here and apply it. There will be periods of great frustration and anger. You may go through the various stages of grieving as the BS (betrayed spouse). <p>Here's what I recommend (remember this is just my opinion). <p>1. Take a look at the concepts section located at the top of this screen. Read all that is there.
You will learn about plan A and plan B.
Pay attention to the suggestions, use what is best for your situation and personalities.<p>2. Get a hold of the book his needs/her needs and surviving an affair. This will acquaint you with what is happening and prepare you for what is ahead. <p>3. Take the emotional needs questionnaire. You have an idea of what your W needs but you may be surprised what else you both need. If your W can do this it would be helpful. You don't have to present this questionnaire as a means to save your M. Your W does not want that now but she may be curious to know how she rates.... curiousity thingy....<p>4. Then when you can schedule an appointment with Steve or Jennifer. Either for just you or both. Depends on how your W is doing. <p>5. You may be on a rollercoaster ride for a while. Strengthen your support group. Keep posting here. Those of us here are from all various continents. You will find a lot of support here. <p>I am sorry you are having to come here. You are in a good place and seem to have a good attitude. Maybe the tools and techniques you will learn here will help bring back the wife you love. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Orchid,<p>Thank you very much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I have been reading Dr. Harley's concepts for a week now. I like them, but my W is not interested in trying that hard.<p>There seem to be many helpful and insightful people (like yourself) using this website. I look forward to it becoming one of my support mechanisms.<p>Thanks<p>Gibby1

Hi Gibby,<p>I posted a plan a and plan B thread earlier today it is a bit long but worth the read. It has a reference thread to both plans well written by another MBer who was great at helping many. <p>Yes, you will learn a lot of valuable info here. If your W does not wish to participate (my H doesn't), keep coming here anyway. Believe it or not, there are a lot of guys that post here. This site is not for sissies. It takes a lot of strength and personal integrity to post here. While we have anononymus names you will get to know many here. Our stories will make you laugh and cry. That's ok, through it you will learn how to be a better H. So there are no losers here. Sometimes we can get a bit sarcastic but it is offset with the best of intentions. I think you will like it here. We are just everyday people dealing with the ugliest of issues that can hit a family. Yet we survive. You will too!<p>L.

Gibby1<p>Here's a link to a thread about snooping. You may find it interesting.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013734<p>Do not feel bad about doing it. When I confronted my H about finding out about his affairs, I told him that I had snooped. He looked at me very surprised. I told him that he can always trust me. He can trust me to do whatever is needed to protect my marriage, my children and myself. And I needed to snoop to find out the truth because he had been lying and cheating. What could he say?<p>Now that we are in recovery, we have installed spy software on all of our computers and shared the passwords to all of our accounts and computers. An affair is much harder to have in totally open and honest marriage. Dr. Harley has a lot to say about this in the book Surviving an Affair.<p>Not only was your wife having an EA, but she was being increadably disloyal and cruel to you by talking badly about you to this man.<p>Do not appologize.<p>Z

Zorweb,<p>Thanks for the link. I read it and it made me feel less guilty for my spying actions.<p>Right now I think my wife has been more wronged by me than vice versa. My drinking problem was the key factor in our marriage problems today. That is why I am hesitant to work a 'plan a' or show any withdrawal characteristics. It's hard to show love, affection, etc. when it's a one way street. But I keep reminding myself that it's very early in our 'rebuilding' and I am not known for my patience.<p>Thanks again,<p>Gibby1

Orchid - <p>You said yesterday that you put a plan A and plan B 'thread' on a previous msg. I'm not sure what you mean or where to find it. I searched your member # for recent replies but did not see it. Would you please re-do it our send me the link. Thanks very much!<p>Gibby1

Hi, Gibby!<p>You've gotten some excellent advice here. Keep reading and posting... we're here for support. You'll learn a lot by hangin' around.<p>Here's the link to Orchid's thread she was talking about - with some Plan A and Plan B basics. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013795

HEY, what's all this talk about sissies?<p>Gib, take what these ladies have said to heart. Fill out the EN questionaire (for your wife if you have to). Try to deterimine if there are OTHER contributing factors to her "falling out of love..." Read the Plan A guidelines again, Plan A is not about your W, it's about YOU....look inside yourself and see if there is anything (more) that you need to be working on. I would imagine that you're already doing a good portion of this searching with AA, but now, try to look with a little different view- relating to your marriage.<p>Now, that's not to say that you shouldn't try to be NICE to your W...she may be(and probably is) looking for ANY excuse to leave, she may tell you she needs to "move out to clear her head," she may try to infuriate you so that YOU'LL take responsibility for leaving. These are common tactics of the WS to avoid the guilt and responsibility associated with the A and the possibly of ending the M. Stay strong, keep loving her, and try to meet any EN she'll allow.<p>Good luck and God bless,
Kev

Kevco - <p>Thanks for the advice [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ! I guess I started doing plan A a while ago wothout knowing it. Kind of came naturally. But now I know the particulars, maybe I'll be better at it. You say plan A is for me. It seems unatural to give love when there isn't much coming back. My first reaction is to withdraw and give the coldness right back to her. Guess that's what got me here in the first place!<p>I'm gonna keep giving the love that I feel for my W. I've read alot on this website. Some say Plan A is short term. Some say 3 mos., others say 6 - 12 mos. I guess it depends on the situation and the type of person you are.<p>Thanks again!<p>Gibby1