okay ive posted in the past and havent recieved too much that has helped me. anywho, my husband and i have been at war for almost a year now he constantly accuses me of cheating and im not neither have i given him reason to think i was we have been trying to go to counseling for 2 months now , we were late the first time and the therapist wwas crap, he says my husband is paranoid becuz he used to deal weed and was parnoid all the time, and that i am an addict becuz i smoke weed. which me smoking is not a problem becuz he smokes too, anywho i dont see how his dealing has caused him to be so insecure with me i dont get the connection . so the second session was to be last wed. and they cancled on us so we have yet to resolve anything i dont no how to get him to listen to me he is now checking my emails , i have nothing to hide but its very depressing to me that he feels he cannot trust me especially when he has never had a reason to feel this way. i stay at home with our 2 kids ages 3 and 11 months and when i go anywhere its to a girlfriends house which is 4 houses down from mine and if we go anywhere else i either have the kids with me or my husband generally hes with me anywhere i go and if hes not with me when i leave the house it means im going to meet him somewhere. he claims he doesnt no what i am asking him to do all i want is a little trust weve been together for 4 years i tell him when he has the urge to search the computer to find out what im doin then to fight the urge and not check up on me but he retorts with what are u trying to hide and continues to scan the history never has he found anything that i shouldnt be doing but he strill insists i am doing something im ready to leave with my kids but i no he will fight for the custody, i love him but i am just tired of fighting 5 days out of the week , literally,. what else can i do and does this therapist have any validity in what he said? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi doodlebug,<p>Welcome to MB. You are on the infidelity site. What you have sounds like support from the emotion needs section but since we are basically one happy mb concept family, let's get you started here ok? <p>There is the emotional needs questionnaire that you may want to take and if your H can take it too it may reveal both your top ENs. You say you have posted here before, are you familar with the concepts? The book, his needs/her needs may have some good suggestions for both of you. At least you can read it first and share what you know. <p>Yes, it does sound like your H needs some major reassurance. You are not giving him cause? Ok, then your next step may be to give him reassurance. Sounds like you are feeling boxed in by his pressure. Building trust is hard to do when one is filling their mind with mind altering drugs. Ok, so you might think it is only weed but it does affect the brain and you do have 2 important responsbilities to tend to, plus your marriage relationship. <p>Either of you up to giving up your weed? Just a thought. <p>As for your counselor, if you can utilize the phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer, they might be able to help. Read up on the baisc concepts and take the questionnaire that can be a start. <p>Is your H a loner or does he have friends? Are there people you can spend time with as a family? Sounds like you both went from a single lifestyle to a family and somewhere along the way one of you forgot to make the transition. <p>These are just my thoughts based on your comments. Please post any responses you have. We will try to give you support. <p>Take Care,
L.

I'm sorry not to have much advice for you. And, I do not know if the counselor's suggestion that the weed and the paranoia are linked is scientifically based or not. I will say that years ago my best friend had a ridiculously jealous and paranoid boyfriend, and he was a heavy pot smoker; maybe there is some link???<p>Good luck.

okay our smoking weed is a mutual thing and our major problem is that he is very insecure. i smoke evry other week and he smokes maybe 4-5 times a month. which isnt much. hes a very friendly person one of the types that u love him as soon as you meet him he has a great sense of confidence but when it comes to our relationship its a whole other story. his accusations started about a year ago around june we got a computer and this has been our main problem. hes scared i'll meet someone online. i do not chat in chatrooms. i do agree that we didnt have time for ourselves befor the kids i met him in november and was pregnant in jan. then we got married in april. we have recently started to go out and do things together just me and him , and we have a great time but as soon as the day is over were rite back to fighting and bad moods. my problem with not wanting to blame weed is we've been smoking for three years and never fought the way we do now , over the computer, he wants to get rid of it. i don't i am a stay at home mom and i enjoying it to much im teaching my 3 yr old to use it and i enjoy it too much. im only on it in the morning so im not spending all day on it. i clean the house the same as i did before the computer. im a pack rat and my husband hates it becuz we dont have room for the stuff i want to keep but i have gotten rid of alot that i regret throwing out now but he doesnt see that im doing that. as for reassurance i have given him reassurance over and over but nothing gets thru to him. ex, i was iming to a friend of mine thats married and the guy started flirting so i told him i could not talk to him anymore and i blocked his screen name so he couldnt im me anymore. well before i told my husband about it he tells me that he called our computer guy and had him walk him thru to find out what i was doing! it hurts to no that he has absolutly no trust for me. the above happened on the same day, i had gone down to my friends house and then came back home so he didnt say what he had done and he left and went to my friends and asked them if they knew anything about it, which really pissed me off becuz he didnt give me a chance to tell him instead he checked up on me anyway he could so he came home and says thank you for blocking the guy , i was pissed that he went behind my back and checked up involving our com guy and my friends that is very embarassing to me that he tells all these ppl our problems and the way he portrays me and these ppl are thinking damn what has she done that has made him this way becuz the thing is i HAVE NOT done anything to make him feel this way.
p.s. i quit smoking pot for a whole nine months each time i was pregnant and we still fought the same [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for posting more info...that helps.<p>He is inordinately jealous & I can see how upsetting that must be, but try and look at it from his POV for a moment. He's told you of things that really bother him and that he wants to get rid of the PC, but you refuse to get rid of the PC...in his eyes, that is saying that your need to IM and chat is more important than his feelings. Now, you and I know that is not what you mean, but that is what he hears...and that makes him feel even less secure and more jealous...bitter cycle.<p>Sounds like the two of you need to practice POJA skills...if you haven't read this section recently, go to the Concepts and review the POJA articles.<p>A key thought is that you never do something that hurts your spouse. Togther maybe you & your H can brainstorm a way to both be comfortable about the role the computer plays in your HH...for instance, keeping it for educational games & programs, but disconnecting the Internet...or using a filter that blocks chat and IM access. What solution you come up with is immaterial...the only thing is it needs to be one you can both live with. <p>Good luck.

he wont compromise at all with me on the computer all i do is download games, screen themes , and i am making a web page. and of course this, the only ppl i chat with are my family and he nos this. hes not gonna be happy until i get rid of the computer. the thing with the guy i was talking to i stopped and i am not adding anyone anymore i asked him before i started chatting with him and then i blocked him when he got out of line. if thats not proof i dont know what is. i cant just give up everything that makes him feel threatened or i would be giving up everything i do i would have to sit at home and talk to noone. this isnt fair i trust him completely and hes given me threats of leaving and i still trust that he wont hurt me , maybe i am being naive or bullheaded but im not giving up the one thing i get enjoyment out of, he hates the computer becuz he doesnt no how to use it. besides the computer what else can i do to reassure him?
ive tried everything [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]