Ever since H's A started - more than two years ago now - the holidays, particularly Christmas, has seemed very dismal and grey. I think it's because when his A was in full swing, it was around Christmas, and it was the loneliest time of my life. I was so despondent that my parents came over Christmas Eve, and we celebrated Christmas then. But Christmas Day, I was alone. Compounded to this, my favorite aunt had died of cancer the day before Christmas Eve, and my precious kitty had cancer and was slowly going downhill. The day after Christmas was my aunt's funeral. Instead of going to the funeral, my H was with the OW doing heaven knows what. My aunt was the only one who encouraged me to stay in the marriage ... she was the only one in my entire family who believed that my H would turn around. Shortly before she died, she wrote me a long letter telling me that she was praying for him, that he'd find God and come back to his home. <p>Ever since that Christmas two years ago, it hasn't been the same. I used to enjoy Christmas - cooking, shopping, wrapping presents, sending cards. I haven't been doing these things last Christmas and this holiday season. I do my shopping over the Internet and send gifts directly from the sites, don't send cards anymore. I don't even cook, and that used to be my biggest pleasure - cooking up nice jars of chutneys and jams for my friends and families. I don't even feel motivated to participate in charitable events at work or in church. <p>I'm rambling, I know ... I just hate that Christmas is so "blah." I almost think that if I were single and alone, it could be good again. But my H being under the same roof is a reminder of everything miserable and sad, and that time when I really needed him and was utterly alone.<p>belld

Hi Belldandy,<p>I have to say I feel somewhat the same, yet ... I AM ALONE.<p>I use to drink in the Holidays. Loved all of the nuances of the Holidays .... decorations, sending cards, cooking, baking, dressing for the cold, presents, Christmas scented candles always lit .. just all of it.<p>But since last Christmas when I had the process server banging on my door, literally .. things have really changed for me. I change the channel if anything to do with the Holidays comes on, Our Christmas decor is still packed safely away upstairs in the storage room. I am Mrs. Scrooge. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am so fearful that this is going to be "me" the rest of my life. I fight it, but being completely alone is so isolating. I might as well live in Alaska, bazillion miles away from everyone. <p>You know, I have always felt that I'm different than everyone else, I don't ever think I'll have what everyone else has in terms of normalcy. No matter how hard I try. I should just give up, shouldn't I?<p>Jo

Resilient, you were close to the bone when you said:<p>"You know, I have always felt that I'm different than everyone else, I don't ever think I'll have what everyone else has in terms of normalcy. No matter how hard I try. I should just give up, shouldn't I?"<p>I too feel that I'm very different than everyone else - never felt that way before. I always thought that all things were possible. That, like my cousins and friends, I'd have a loving husband, a nice home, and children to love. Simple things that everyone else seems to take for granted. It's gotten to the point where I too just want to give up. Even if H and I divorced, I can never see myself trusting another man or feeling close enough to them that I would want to have their children. These things strike hard and they leave deep wounds. <p>I wish I knew what the answer was ... I don't want to give up, I truly don't. I don't want to be this person. I want to be warm again, to laugh and feel happy. I want that rush of the holiday season, a time when I'm with my friends and relatives. Since they all know about H's A, I dread even being around them. <p>I really think that I'm sliding into clinical depression this time. My psychiatrist warned me that this would happen if I did not get away from this situation, but I didn't listen. Now it's as though I'm paralyzed.<p>I don't know what else to say except, please know that you're not the only one with these feelings, okay? I'll be thinking about you and praying for you this season. Maybe we can exchange email Christmas cards and motivate each other to get out to the mall and SHOP and talk about our favorite Christmas movies and memories from our childhood! That might work. Whaddya think? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>((warm hugs))<p>belld

Okay, I can certianly try. <p>Belld, <p>Doesn't your H do stuff with you? Doesn't he talk to you? <p>That's what I miss the most, talking to my H. I feel such a void, so incomplete. I guess I was lucky for a little while in that I did have a symbolence of normalcy for a little while. I tried damn hard to make it feel that way for us both. <p>Your statement of having those simple things that people take for granted hit home for me. Those were MY dreams .... those simple things. A Family life.<p>They say life is what you make it, I always believed that, and I was always the one to tell everyone else that you CAN do anything if you desire it enough. I just don't know what happened, I worked and I desired and I ended up with nothing, actually less than nothing. What is the use of a good job and being able to make money to support yourself and being a good person if you have no one to share it with. I feel I have no purpose and no one needs me.<p>And now with everything that has happened, trusting someone is almost unthinkable.<p>Jo<p>[ November 23, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I am so sorry to hear you both are losing your Christmas spirit. I love Christmas, too, and I am still looking forward to fun and celebration this Christmas in spite of the stupdidity of WS. I have to admit, I cried all morning yesterday cause the feelings of aloneness and loss get magnified at holidays BUT I did get to my Mom's house and had a great time with S, DIL and my immediate family. A part of me is enjoying the freedom of separation and the pain is different for me now. It doesn't seem to be mine....If I don't take personal what is going on, I am o.k. I seem be so sad for what H is doing to himself and others. That is the feeling I am feeling so much of now. I feel protected from WS hurting me cause he is no longer living with me and pretending to be a husband. <p>I send my care and concern, belldandy and Resilient, and hope and pray that the jerkiness of the WS in your life will not be allowed to rob you of all that is good and fun.<p>TW

Resilient,<p>My H and I had one good Christmas out of all of the years we were together - this was before the verbal and emotional abuse began. There was a time when we talked; however, that time was right after we were married, and still in the "fantasy-so-in-love" stage. Somehow I managed to keep it together over the years, I don't know how. I had a good network of supportive friends and family. But that too has changed with the revelation of H's A. A lot of the married couples I associated with don't call and invite me to Christmas parties anymore, or want to have anything to do with me and my H. I think that they feel very uncomfortable with the whole situation and simply don't know how to act around us.<p>TW - <p>You're lucky in the sense that you are not reminded of the A during this time of the year. There was a time when H was living w/ the OW. I'd gotten over it and was in the process of moving on. For the first time in YEARS, I actually looked forward to the rest of my life, and had great hopes for a stellar future. But that changed shortly after he came home and I realized that nothing - and I mean NOTHING - about our relationship had changed. Not only that, but I never got the whole story about the OW, and to this day, the blasted woman STILL calls us from time to time just to wreak havoc. At least if H was away, i wouldn't have to dread her "Merry f***ing Christmas, Losers!" phone calls. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Ah, I suppose I will get past this. I'm just counting very small blessings right now. There are things in my life that still matter ...<p>belld

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by belldandy:
<strong>At least if H was away, i wouldn't have to dread her "Merry f***ing Christmas, Losers!" phone calls.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh, Belld,
I hurt for you, my dear. I have followed your story since I got on this site way back in ? June? May? Well, a LONG time ago (not only in dog years). I will probably spend this Christmas alone, as I did Thanksgiving, but hoping it will NOT be this way next year, so I understand the feelings you are writing about.<p>But when I read what you wrote above, I realized that YOU are missing something - the *wonderful* gift that OW is giving you! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If those words you wrote are truly her exact words, then don't you see? SHE is in a far worse place than YOU are! I'm not one to seek revenge as a general rule (I have always let the Lord take my revenge, and it has been sweeter that way), but in this case, I can see that OW in your case is in a FAR worse place than YOU! Sweet revenge! Enjoy it! Relish it! Linger over it! Taste it! Savor it! LAUGH at her when she calls and says this!<p>Ha! I'm sounding out of my mind now. No, really! If this is the kind of phone calls you get from her, imagine the TIME she has spent sitting around feeling *alone* and *lonely* and rejected and tormented and angry and frustrated that H's with YOU and not with HER. So much so that she finally has NO POWER to stop herself from calling and leaving those messages, so full of HATE, but the only way she has to communicate with HIM, b/c of wanting to share Christmas with him, but unable...HA! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I'm starting to like the picture I'm seeing.<p>OK, maybe your WH is NO great shakes, BUT obviously OW wants him, and misses him, and hates that he's there with YOU. Sweet revenge for YOU, Dear Bell. HER holiday won't be any better than yours. Small consolation, I know, but it's something......she owes you at least this much.<p>Enjoy this fleeting gift, even is it's only half-a-loaf (the other half might be bitter and rotten). YOU've got (for the time being) what SHE wants....enjoy the feeling! The Power! The REVENGE!<p>Find small pleasures where you can, and this is truly one. Enjoy it! If ONLY I could have one second of knowing my H's OW was UNhappy, instead of enjoying his company and pleasure; instead of him being home where he belongs. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>FWIW<p>Lupo<p>[ November 24, 2001: Message edited by: lupolady ]</p>

yes lupo you are sounding out of your mind [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] but understandable, we are human, not robots, and no matter how many times we tell ourselves revenge, or happiness at someone elses unhappiness (ow or om) is unhealthy, we are still gonna drink a little from that well...but too much will poison us. Who we are, and how our life will be should never be a reflection of how bad someone elses is, it is not a good technique, is of satan, and not God,,who loves all his children, even the ws and op, and so should we.<p>bell and jo I feel for you too, and send you some hugs (although from a ws they might be contaminated, I dunno). I have become....um.... not used to exactly, but guess understanding of the pain involved in marriages unraveling, for whatever reason, but I still get shocked by a few things, and although I know your story jo, everytime you mention getting served on Christmas I just can't believe anyone could be so heartless, makes me misty actually.<p>Nor do I understand ws who won't be honest, and go for years being deceptive. Doing chronic damage to their spouses. Is bad enough when an affair reveals the depth of dysfunction in a marriage, or an individual, but at least it makes sense...and we have procedures to deal with it, rightly, respectfully, albeit with a lot of confusion, denial, pain and anger, but we deal with it....and restore marriage (for real, not as a booby prize) or seperate (as civily as possible)...the goal being in either case to restore the emotional/psychological balance of all parties. Sadly this is often not what happens, cause someone (bs or ws...or both) has issues that prevent it. All that one can do (the psychologically healthy one) is pick themselves up, put one foot in front of the other, be good to themself, and let time heal them. I think it works better though when we take positive actions, sort of like wounds heal better with neosporin and bandaids. And those actions are pretty well known. Take care of yourself, be with other people, take up a new interest, and help others. The last one bears repeating. I think it can be helpful to give of ourselves when we are hurting, give to someone who may even be worse. Somehow it helps with focus. So at the holidays many organizations and churches are reaching out to the community in many ways, maybe bell and jo would find some satisfaction in doing that. I know bell likes animals, perhaps something through an animal shelter, or vet might be healing too. You are both good women, you worked hard at dealing with your marital issues, and you are not defective....it is natural for most of us to feel down when we do not have an emotional partner, and this is accentuated during times like holidays, you will find that joy again when your life is in balance, for now maybe focusing on how you can help someone else, and turn your unhappiness into a positive outcome for someone else will be helpful.

Ladies,<p> Please do not think that all men are jerks like your husbands. I know the pain you both speak of. But I also know there are ladies out there with beautiful hearts.<p> jd

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
<strong>we are human, not robots, and no matter how many times we tell ourselves revenge, or happiness at someone elses unhappiness (ow or om) is unhealthy, we are still gonna drink a little from that well...but too much will poison us. it is not a good technique, is of satan, and not God,,who loves all his children, even the ws and op, and so should we.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OK, S_N_L,
Got your message LOUD AND CLEAR, *BUT* don't tell me I can't "drink from this well" a little this time!<p>In getting into a relationship w/our S's, OP are taking THEIR happiness from OUR unhappiness and I can't believe they don't know it. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND GOES AFTER ANOTHER'S S WITHOUT THINKING THROUGH THE CONSEQUENCES AND WEIGHS THE "RISKS." Sorry, won't buy it, can't believe it. Say what you will. And if their "relationship" breaks apart after a time, and leaves them feeling SAD and LONELY, well then, that is part of the risk that being in the FOG has blinded them to.<p>I have begun to pray for my H's OW, for her salvation - intermittently. It is hard, I often DON"T WANT TO, am trying to be obedient to God, and NOT a tool of Satan, BUT I still see that an OW who is now *alone* and feels she has lost the battle and must "punish" the BS AND WS for it deserves to have a little fun poked at, at her expense. <p>Sorry for sounding vengeful and negative today. It's been a rough week-end for many, myself certainly NOT excluded. (As usual, you managed to push all my buttons.) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lupo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>You know, I have always felt that I'm different than everyone else, I don't ever think I'll have what everyone else has in terms of normalcy. No matter how hard I try. I should just give up, shouldn't I?<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>I too feel a kinship in this statement. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And when I give this even the smallest amount of thought, I realize that it has been this way my entire life. Why is that? I can pinpoint moments in time where it probably made a difference (like the abuse I suffered at 9 yrs. of age)... but... why is it that some people seem to skate through crisis while I get lodged in it?<p>Although I will not be alone during the holidays (since I remarried) I have spent last holiday season and this away from most of my family in the States. <p>There are days, and my H will agree, that we stop and think "Dammit, look at the mess left by the divorce's, especially for the children"... it's not that we don't love each other very much, it's just that the cost for being together has been huge. This is one BIGGIE I'll be working on in therapy: At what cost did I gain freedom / happiness... and was it worth it?? <p>All this thinking... makes my head hurt. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Advice from my MIL..."Don't let ANYBODY steal YOUR joy."<p>and from C A L I, "We create our own normal. Everyone else's is overrated."<p>Seriously, you two were SOOOO helpful to me when this journey started...I think highly of both of you...I have listened to my own mom regret and rue and despise the holidays for sooooo long...it is hard to have her around as she still says the same things about the holidays...so now older, more secure...I counter with that it is only THAT way if we let it be. Holidays are what YOU make them. And, frankly, I refuse to allow ANYONE to take away my enjoyment of them...even myself.