Hi,
I have been in plan B for 3 weeks now. H hasn't contacted me at all, although I told him he's free to send text messages or email me about the children's visitations.
I haven't really struggled wanting to call him. I was too hurt and couldn't put up with more.

Because of the wedding in the family I saw H this weekend. Had a chance to be in plan A for the day and it went pretty well.
But... H is angry.
I was worried about this. He's thinking I am just playing games! I have explained to him this is for ME and what I need at the moment.He's angry he has to deal with me by sending messages, he would rather call.
I never sent him a proper plan B letter just told him how I felt. A week before plan B I had emailed him and wrote how I still loved him and felt about our marriage, since he had started to withdraw again. His response wasn't really good. And sending a plan B letter straight after wouldn't have gone down well.Should I send it now?<p> He wanted to move on so why is he getting angry now? I am not a part of his life anymore, that's what he wanted, so why not a happy face?(he looks tired and miserable??) I don't know if OW's back in the picture, but it's very likely.
And if she is , she doesn't seem to be able to make him the happiest man.<p>Anyway this weekend I saw the old H for about 5 minutes and the rest was the new alien; cold , distant, bitter ,withdrawn. He's turned this plan B thing totally against me and it's just one more excuse not wanting to be around. But... I was on plan A for the day, did I enjoy being kind and polite when he was leaving my house, you bet.He's trying to make me into a mean person and I am not giving him a chance, tough.
H got angry too because I had asked not to be seated next to him or at his table at the reception. I had a good time talking with other people and was really suprised how H's presence didn't bother me much at all, this was good , plan B has done some wonders. It's progress.Someone said anger is better than indifference. There must still be some feelings left when he's angry??
This is so hard, but I see it can pay off in the long run, whatever the outcome.

Hi Bears, Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. It sounds as if Plan B is performing its wonders for you. H angry? My H is ALWAYS angry. Sort of makes me feel good even though I don't especially like listening to him blame me for everything that has gone wrong. <p>They tell me that the opposite of love isn't anger but indifference so yes, that's what keeps most of us hanging on...hope that the anger will slowly dissolve. <p>Keep doing what you're doing. It sounds like you're in control. That's half the battle. <p>Take care of you.

Hi BiF,<p>The anger from the WS when implementing Plan B is very typical, however, it is essential you send your H a Plan B letter. I know you verbally told him, but the letter is an integral part of Plan B ... very, very important piece.<p>The Plan B letter serves as a love letter to your spouse telling them you love them and are willing to recover the marriage with them, but only after they have ended the A.<p>The "writing and delivery" of the letter is so they can read it again and again, because as we all know they are in a FOG! They may not remember things you have told them verbally.<p>If your situation has been like many here, there have probably been several conversations regarding the A and your marriage with them being in the FOG. How can they sort out what you're doing and have said, they're already having a problem trying to figure out what they are doing.<p>Write the letter, Hon. You can get a Plan B letter example here on the Forum, or the SAA book has one you can use as a starter.<p>Then, if you wish, post it here and we can critque it for you. It' still not too late to send one. I urge you to do so.<p>The letter may also serve to neutralize his anger, as he'll read that you are doing this for you, to keep from losing love for him, not to manipulate or play games.<p>Here ya go: 5 Samples of Plan B Letter

• Sample 1 Plan B Letter
• Sample 2 Plan B Letter
• Sample 3 Plan B Letter
• Sample 4 Plan B Letter
• Sample 5 Plan B Letter

<p>Hope I've helped, BearsinForest.<p>Best to you ....<p>Jo<p>[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks Terrified,
It's so good to know there's a place like this to come on these difficult times.
I wouldn't be where I am at the moment without MB.<p>My H's anger seemed to disappear every so often in the last few months, but it's back again. My counsellor saw him once, and told H still blames me for all this and won't be responsible for his own actions.All the same justifications and so on. 1,5 years and still the same song, that's why plan B! My love bank was, and still is, well below the freezing point.With two preschoolers I don't have the energy to 'mummy' him anymore. He either sorts himself for good or not.I really believed since this is his 3rd marriage he wouldn't give up so easy.<p>Be strong Terrified, we'll make it. As hard as it is let's not waste our lives being angry. And angry is NOT attractive!
Take care.

Thanks Jo,
I really appreciate your help.
I have a question about the letter...
H told me 5 days before I went to plan B he had called OW and told her it's over and didn't want to keep in touch anymore. We saw a counsellor once and the following day H told me he wants to move on and started pushing for D. That was it for me, immediate plan B. So in 6 days he broke up with OW (according to H it was a mutual decision),came rushing back to my arms, saw a C with me and wanted a D!
Now the question... Plan B is recommended if the A is still continueing. In my case H doesn't want to make the M work. What am I meant to do? I don't want to accuse him of still seeing OW, how can I know. Can't afford to hire a PI!! Should I change the OW bits in the letter into something different. Maybe I shouldn't be in plan B at all? I have thought about this too. Maybe H is going through withdrawal and I turned my back on him??(or that's how he would see it) Jo your reply made me see clearly that I really need to let him know I still love him.It's true in the fog they don't really know what's going on.
I think I went to plan B too late. The thought about writing a love letter to him is not very appealing now. I am sure there's still some love tucked in the back corner of my heart. Something could be built on that.
Thanks for those plan B letter links, I certainly will need them.
Take care

Hi Bears!<p>Long time, no see!<p>I had the exact same problem...I didn't actually KNOW if H was still seeing OW, but I had the proof put into my lap one day by him (he accidentally called us on his cell phone...I wasn't there but it was recorded....guesss who he was with? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] So THEN I knew....and I immediately sent the Plan B letter.<p>Since I have asked for no contact, other than regarding kids or business, he has actually increased his to contact me...more emails, tried to get me to talk on the phone. In fact last week he called the kids, asked eldest to give the phone to me and I refused. So then he called BACK. Since he is OS, I did not think it would be him....I told him verbally I didn't want to talk to him because it hurt too much....he sounded sad. SAD? Where does he think I have been the past year?<p>Anyway, that is all beside the point. Rambled on again! Sorry.<p>Plan B is good for you, I am convinced of it. When I entered it about five weeks ago, I was sure I still loved H, but not much....now I know I do not love him...and I have truly moved on. I feel good about this but sad that the marriage didn't work. It gives you time to analyse the marriage, and for me at least, I finally saw that it wasn't good for ME.<p>His anger does not really cut it now...you have been through so many emotions....<p>Write him a Plan B letter, but since you don't have prooof of A, leave that out...instead, tell him you will be willing to talk to him again if he decides he wants to commit to the marriage. I wish I had thought of this while I WANTED to Plan B, but felt I couldn't, cos I had no proof of A. I think getting him to realise you won't talk to him until he changes his mindset is still valid for a plan B letter.<p>I hope this helps.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Hi Bears,<p>Sorry for the late reply.<p>IMVHO, you stay in Plan B, and do send your H the letter including reference to ending the A.<p>Bears, even tho your H says he has ended it, does NOT mean it's ended. Just ask around here, it's quite typical for the BS to say it's a done deal and have the A continue.<p>The Plan B letter should tell him that you are serious about loving him and wanting recovery, and what your part was in the marriage break down. But only contact/recovery WHEN he has ended the A. <p>So to answer your question, "yes" I think a Plan B letter is still required. Make it a love letter, Bears. You now this man better than anyone else, you know what he "needs" from you.<p>I'll keep an eye out for your postings.<p>Very best,
Jo<p>[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jacky,
Good to hear from you. How is OZ? Getting warm here in NZ. I am glad you have found a nice place to stay for your family and things are going well. Considering what you have gone through, you are doing great.
I get a feeling your H is slowly starting to feel uncomfortable not knowing what's going on at your end. You are free and moving on and he's stuck with his how-many-times?divorcee and can't even see his kids. Jacky I still think he's going to come knocking on your door. Has he mentioned wanting a D lately? <p>Yes it's a real pain not knowing if the A is on.
H is a needy person who doesn't do well on his own, he has never been out of a relationship for a long time.OW works in the town where H lives, it's more than likely it's all on again.So I might just shortly mention it in my letter. But put more emphasis on the fact he doesn't want to make the M work.
Thanks Jacky
Take care and enjoy the sunny days.
<p>Jo,
No problem being late. Yes I surely have experience about the continueing contact. The first time H broke it off with OW, it was on again in few days. OW went mad, begging and pleading so H felt sorry for her.
I'll mention the A in my letter. I know H will be even more angry but that's his problem then.
I keep telling myself time to be tough.
I read those plan B links late last night.
Thanks Jo for your effort to help.
Take care