I had stopped posting here, stopped doing a lot of things. WS came back, not because he loves me, he's trying to love me, he came back because he felt guilty for being with her and leaving me pregnant. Why did I lie to him about birthcontrol he wants to know, I didn't. Even his a. is my fault and I'm tired of it. Somedays have been good, but at the same time I feel numb. It scares me because that's how my a. started, although I am beginning to come to terms with it. My councelor said it was an emotional breakdown. Not the typical a. thing. Now I'm being blamed because he found his soulmate in a 19 year old girl. I don't have the right to be mad at her or have any bad feelings towards her, I don't have the right to be upset that he did that, because I did it first. Even now he says she knows me better. Come to find out he's known her the entire time we have been together and had thought about her on and off. Why does this sound so damned ridiculous? It's not lovemaking anymore, it's sex and it feels that way, has for a long time and that bothers me. Sometimes everything feels ok, but mostly it just feels devoid of anything. I'm 7 mo. pregnant, I don't want my child, I don't want to live, the only thing that keeps me going is my little boy. I know saying that I don't want my child sounds harsh, but I can't help feeling that way right now, it bothers me that I feel that way, but I keep trying to change and everytime I feel the baby move I wish it weren't there. Does anybody understand this? Is there anyone that can help me?

Rain-<p>I can't understand the baby thing...because I'm a guy. But the REST of it- I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND AND EMPATHIZE.<p>Funny that the OG (other girl) should be 19, so's the OB (other boy) for me. Maybe we can hook them up, wouldn't that be just dandy.<p>Know that his resentment for your feelings toward her are just a part of his FOG. Anything you say or do against her is threatening to him, he's afraid that you'll be right and that he'll have potentially ruined his marriage and life for WHAT? A 19 year old fluzy?<p>I too share the guilt that you harbor for once being the WS. To this point, I've found it infinitely easier to forgive my WS than to forgive MYSELF for MY EA.<p>Please know that the "soulmate" comment is directly out of the WS script. Don't listen to it. What he's feeling is 19 year old love and passion, not the mature love that a marriage and family must be based upon.<p>Couple of questions for you because I haven't seen any other of your posts. What's the status of the A? Are you in Plan A (I would assume and hope so)? Are you still co-habitating (I think so)? Has your WS shown interest or a committment to working on your M?<p>Those are just some basics that will help others who will respond.<p>Know that God loves you and your children. Please try to share in that love for your unborn baby. I would imagine that your pregnancy is affecting your emotions (again, I'm a guy and wouldn't know for sure). Please take care of yourself, and be prepared to get help if you begin to slip any deeper into the abyss of depression (especially after the baby is born).<p>I'll be thinking of you today.
Kev

RaineFall,<p>I'm glad kev weighed in here while I was thinking of what to write.<p>I know you feel a lot of guilt. After all, you are guilty of doing something that was extremely painful for your H - and which now has eternal effects. But, you are not responsible for everything that happened. You didn't make your H have an A. That was his choice, for which he is responsible - and he was at that time a person who knew first-hand exactly how painful it is to be betrayed in that way.<p>Your H had what is called a revenge affair. He did it probably for two or three reasons, but the main reason was to punish you for what you did to him. Probably now he is still angry with you. Every day he sees you pregnant and knows that it is not his child and he is reminded of what you did. He will have to come to terms with his anger and deal with it himself. But I suspect that he is still punishing you. To get the maximum effect out of the revenge affair, he has to lead you to believe that it was great, that OW is wonderful etc. - and that he is a good and dedicated husband to come back to you under the circumstances and you should be eternally grateful to him. You get the picture.<p>So, like Kev said, don't take everything your H says at face value. Some of the things he says are probably calculated to hurt you - to punish you. Some of the things he says and does he does out of love for you. He probably swings back and forth between the two. It will take months at least for him to settle down. Be patient.<p>Your H came back to you - in very difficult circumstances. He loves you, feels committed to you. You said he felt guilty for leaving you pregnant. Yes, he IS guilty. If he had divorced you without going into a revenge affair, people would have said "poor guy". People would think that he was justified in doing that. But now, he doesn't look like a good guy at all. If he divorced you now, he doesn't get to be the good guy anymore. You said that he came back to you only because he felt guilty. Well, I think he came back to you because he cares about you. He's still angry with you, but he cares about you and wants to take care of you.<p>About the baby.<p>You know what I'm going to say. You could say it to somebody else (or to yourself). It's not the baby's fault. The baby is completely innocent. Not only that, but the baby is probably wonderful!. Think loving thoughts for the poor thing. Think about being the loving protector for a child innocently entering a very dangerous world in a situation which he or she cannot possibily understand. He or she will need a Mama - a real Mama who tenderly loves and lovingly protects and nutures. You're it! There is nobody else to play that role. You've done it before. You are good at it. You can do it again. The baby need never know the conflicts that preceded it's birth.<p>You need to come to the point of accepting your guilt and forgiving yourself. Thank God that your H came back to you. Thank God for a healthy pregnancy. Thank God for your little boy.<p>You said it yourself. Your H is trying to love you. Let him ... and love him back. <p>-AD

RF, I just wanted to give you a big hug <<<<<RF>>>>>>>.<p>AD appears to have said it all. The only thing I wanted to add, was as a women, I do know the feeling of not wanting the child growing inside you.<p>I always wanted a boy. 2 girls, one miscarriage, and a hectic marriage later, I unexpectedly got pregnant with #3. My H was threatening to leave us because he hated himself and didn't deserve to be with such a loving wife/family. It was not the time to have a third child.<p>I was severely depressed, hated myself for not being able to help my husband with his problems, and I did not want the child inside me. I even contemplated abortion, as horrible a thought as that is to me.<p>Fast forward to today. I have my beautiful little boy who is 1 1/2 years old and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I have a bond with him that I never had with my other two children.<p>To look back at that horrid time in my life 2 years ago, it gives me shivers to think about what my life would have been like today if I had given up on my child (or my life). I cannot imagine my life without him, he is one of the few things that kept me going throughout my H's EA's and PA.<p>(this was 1 1/2 prior to my H's EA's and PA - maybe I should have been strong enough then to push him out the door...)<p>I also know what it feels like to not want to live. Been there, done that too many times to count. I also look back at those times today and freak out when I think what might have been.<p>You will too someday - really.<p>Your children needs you, RF. Stay strong. Are you on antidepressants or will they interfere with the pregnancy?<p><<<<RF>>>>>>
HbH

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

((((rainfall)))<p>Oh yes...my H still thinks, to this day, that I got pregnant on purpose. You see, we have 2 boys who were 6 and 8 when this all started. So the discovery of my pregnancy, 2 weeks after he moved out and the PA got going in earnest....was quite a shock to both of us.<p>I remember standing in shock, after my H left, screaming at God for doing this to me. I felt trapped; I had been confident that with some struggle, I'd have no problem getting a job, starting a career and getting on with my life. But with a pregnancy, a divorce, and trying to find a career, a new home, etc...oh my, I just wanted to die.<p>I can't tell you the number of nights I sat on the floor of the shower, sobbing my heart out.<p>But you know, for us, this baby, as unwanted as she was at first....has been the most incredible wonderful addition to our lives. Both my H and I agree that she added so much joy into a situation that was so incredibly burdened with pain and sadness.<p>I suspect, deep down inside, that she is the reason my H came back. Maybe he would have anyway...but he was with me in the hospital when she was born, and he wouldn't leave. He spent the entire 5 days of my hospital stay in my room holding his beautiful daughter, smiling in awe.<p>God knew that we needed some joy, some happiness, some purpose and motivation to pull our lives together. And she has been that without a doubt.<p>My H wasn't around for most of the pregnancy. He was off living the high life with his soulmate. My neighbors and inlaws were the ones that picked up the pieces and helped me through. I survived the humiliation of my neighbor taking the lawn mower out of my hands and scolding me for being 7 months pregnant and doing the lawn. I survived the complete eradication of my privacy when my MIL came almost every day, cleaned my house inside and out, and redid almost every closet, dresser, cabinet and every box. I survived 2 months of agonizing pain, daily doctors visits, and all the pregnancy complications.<p>I did it. And you can too!<p>((((((hugs)))))

RAINFALL,
Hang in there. I know how you feel only not while being pregnant. You know your full of raging hormones and that is not helping with your situation. My C says to look at pictures of my children, or call a freind when I start feeling really down. <p>If you ever what to talk you can email me any any time you ever need to. Hang in there.
Sherry at
Sennmiller@earthlink.net

Rainefall,<p>It has been a long time since I have seen you on the forum. Glad to see that you came back, you know that we are here to help. You have been given some wonderful advice from others already.<p>I have wondered many times about you as I remember a conversation we had back in July, regarding armour, do you remember this? I looked them up. I believe that your armour has slipped a little and you need to probably get it re fitted (specially with getting bigger) but I still think the breast plate should be molded for enhancement purposes!!!<p>I'm sorry I don't have much more to pass on, but remembered the laughs that the two of us had about the armour and thought that this might bring a smiile to your face.<p>God's Blessings to you, I will pray for you and your husband tonight.<p>Dawn<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: daybreak ]<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

Oh Rainfall,<p>I know too what it is like. I found out about my H's supposedly first affair right before Christmas and then realized that I was pregnant with our third child. <p>It was an agonizing time. He was emotionally cruel, wanted me to get an abortion and definitly didn't want me to tell anyone about his affair. <p>The stress was horrible and I had complications with my pregnancy, me health and my daughter's health (altho that didn't show up until she was about 2).<p>Anyway, tho I probably should have divorced him then, we chose to stay together and my daughter has been such a joy to have. I can't imagine life without her. She has been my rock and support through these last difficult months with my H's new fiascos. <p>Hang in there!! You will find the love for this child. Please try to take care of yourself. I feel so bad about letting him destroy me emotionally and physically when I was pregnant and for the year after that. No one should have that kind of control over you. Take charge of yourself. Do things that are good for you and your kids. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally if possible. Life is worth living and you will know it when you see this little one for the first time. <p>My prayers will be with you...please take care of yourself. Pat

Thank you everybody!! I have ups and downs and it's good to know that you guys are still here. Funny after I got the ultrasound (for which h. was present), he decided that the baby was his. I feel ok today, we talked last night about how I feel and how it's not good. He said I could go out and find someone who would love me because he knew deep in his heart he would love me, but he will never be in love with me again, in his words, "all of this is your fault. You knew I didn't get over anything that happened 6 years ago, why would I get over this". I'm feeling ok about the baby today, I love him. I was a little disappointed when I found out it was a boy, but I had to keep that to myself because everyone else said I was horrible. Sorry, this is my last one and I wanted a girl. It's been pretty hard, escpecially with all the added stress, I am still throwing up everyday and at 26 weeks I have gained 8 pounds. My doctor says that the baby is fine, which means it's me whose not. Daybreak-thanks for reminding me of the armor. I know I should have stayed here because you guys understand.
The sad part is, I love my h. so much and last week in therapy my t. said, "I want you to take a good look at something, then she began to write down the names of all the girls he has made emotionally involved in his life since we were together, there were 5. She said not only does he have an alcohol problem, but that he has an addiction to love and that she predicted he would continue to do this. Ok, I talked to about 3 guys in that 6 years, and I take my blame in that, but it's so depressing when I realize that even my therapist keeps saying, you need to open your eyes. Can you accept that. He told her that he wasn't committed to me and never would be. He came to therapy once. We are living together again. He moved out-started his a. three days before that, he asked her if she wanted a job, slept at another girls house, came home and apologized, moved out a few days later and then started seeing her everyday. The only reason he ended his a. is because I finally called up the girl and asked her for the truth. Then he couldn't be with her, because he cheated on her!! Somedays it really gets to me. They broke off their contact and he started sleeping at my house, finally he moved back in. He reminds me all of the time that he is not in love with me, but he loves me. Then, if he sees that I'm sick or knows I'm sad, he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. It's like my therapist said, I'm in a continual loop with him.
I have decided to try and come to terms with my pregnancy and to love my child. I do, sometimes it just seems so hard.
Thank you again for listening. It's nice to know that people really do understand. How all of this will turn out I don't know. He said he was going to get a d. when I had the baby, then he said no. I'm living on glass, wondering and waiting to see if he'll leave. I am planning for that, is that wrong? I jsut want my defenses up, just in case.

RAINFALL,
Sounds like your H is a very confussed indiviual. In my opinion; I think your H is afraid of staying with you or one woman in general. I would think that he was abandend or he feels that way. He seems lost. Maybe you can ask him to write down what he wants in life. Ask him if you were to swith C, would he then go with you?
Maybe you can get the Emotional needs questionare and both of you fill it out. Then tell him you are sorry about hte past and you can't change that, but you want to work on the future together. <p>My prayer's are with you. Sherry