I think my W may be beginning an A. I need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. All the factors involved add up. She joined an internet chat room about a month and half ago. she told me she was just making friends, some guy started coming on to her, she said she had no interest and that she had nothing to hide which is why she was telling me. 2 weeks ago she gave me the "I am not sure that I can picture myself with you for the rest of my life" story and that she was telling me up front in case anything should change between us. this had me scared. my W doesn't have any friends, I don;t have many friends and none that I can really talk to. My family and close friends are 400 miles away ( I moved to make my W happy. I have not always been able to give my W the EN that she needs.
My gut is in knots, she doesn't know I suspect, I found some of the letters he has written her. I didn't tell her that i saw the letters.
I have jokingly and seriously talked to her about how I feel. she just tells me I am insecure or gets very defensive and tells me she loves me.<p>Here is the really strange part I can't put my finger on, Our sex life is not great ( good when it happens but very infrequent, once every few months) in the past 10 days we have had sex 4 times.<p>Do I confront her? Do I follow trying to fulfill her EN. she doesn't believe in counselors, we tried once.<p>To be honest about myself I feel I have a drinking problem that I have not admitted to anybody else.
I don't get violent or abusive, it just doesn't allow me to do anything.<p>somebody please help
Jack

Hey Jack,
I wish I was in your position, instead of trying to cope with an affair that has already happened. Maybe, you can send her some love emails (make her long to receive your emails instead of his), leave little notes around the house, take her someplace special, like where you two first met, or some candlelight and music when the opportunity for intimacy approaches. Romance for women is more important than sex. Romance, the little things can make her feel more loved that you just telling her. Touching, hugging, and a little romance can remind her of why she married you in the first place, and improve your sex life.<p>Good Luck to you!!

Jack,
We are glad you found this site. There's a wealth of information here. Read all you can. Follow the links at the top of this page to go to the Home Page, and begin reading. Read all the concepts. Get the Harley books to help you, too. They can be ordered on line. Someone else will have to "link" you to the Welcome for newbies. I don't know how to do it!<p>You need to begin "Plan A." If you don't know what those are, you need to go to the pages I recommended above and find out! Plan A her. Love her - with or without physical right now. Meet her EN's. If you don't know what THOSE are, you NEED TO START FINDING OUT!!<p>Are you getting the picture? You are now the student. Get to work, and start learning everything you can to save your M. You CAN do it. BUT it's going to take a lot of hard work, and at first it may seem like you are the only one who wants to. It's OK. She'll come around if you stay in Plan A, and show her the kind, compassionate, loving H she originally M. Don't be too upset if she seems to move in the opposite direction at first. That's typical. She's going into withdrawal from you....first step toward PA.<p>Come here and ask any questions you need to. There are lots of folks willing to answer. It's just that week-ends (and this one a holiday week-end to boot!) are slow anyway.<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Jack,<p>I could've written a lot of your post myself. Same deal. My W started spending time online and met lots of people. She also said nothing was going on and told me lots of stuff about the friends she was meeting. But, there was a lot of secret stuff going on too. I happened to see some of it and ended up pretty much in the state you're in now - couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work.... very bad.<p>As lupolady suggested, there is a wealth of information on this site to help you understand how you two got to where you are now and how to get past it. A good starting point is this link General Welcome for All New Builders. I also suggest that you go to Marriage Talk Radio and listen to the "Part 1" program (you'll need realplayer7). The situation Bill Harley discusses is much like yours (and mine).<p>This internet stuff is serious business, this is where she's bonding with her OM. If your W is telling you she loves you, then she'll probably give you a chance to meet her EN. Try to take advantage of this opportunity to show her you can make her feel good, that she doesn't need the escape of OM. From your description, it's pretty clear she's lonely (your problem too?). Be her conversation buddy (must be one of her EN). Read some of the books mentioned on this site - I have 'His Needs, Her Needs', and it's very helpful.<p>I would hold off on the confrontation for now, you need to learn a lot more and start to do some work on yourself first. Also, you know what her answer will be since you've already broached the subject.
Is there any possibility that your W and her friend could meet?<p>Well, time for you to get to work. Sorry you're here, but come on back as often as you need to. <p>Jeffers<p>[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: jeffers ]</p>

to Those who replied
Thank you<p>what you wrote meant a lot to me at this time, I was feeling very alone.<p>Jeffers, one fortunate aspect is that we live on the west coast and OM lives on the east coast. The bad thing is she is going to a convention in April, OM is just going to happen to be there (convention is the common interest)

This is why I am worried. as far as I know she has told OM she is 5 yrs younger, divorced-no kids and 150 lbs lighter.
we have been married 4 yrs and have a 5 1/2 yr old
she says she lives a different life online and that her real life and online life are separate.<p>I am going to follow the suggestions on this site
and I will keep checking back If anybody see's the pitfalls I am headed for or has unfortunately been through this before please let me know<p>Thank you

JMS,<p>I am very much aware of what you are going through. My H had affairs with about 10 women he met on the Internet. His progressed to phone/cyber sex, he spend a weekend with one of them and made dinner/lunch dates with 4 or 5 of them. They all lived in distant states but met him when he was on travel. The Internet can be a very ugly place. Generally we talk about two kinds of affairs, Emotional Affairs (EA) and Physical Affairs (PA). EA’s can actually be much more damaging then affairs that are only physical in nature. That is how we loose a spouse’s heart. Some people will tell you that this is not really an affair.. don’t by it. Any time sexual and/or emotional energy go outside of a marriage it is an affair. And it is devastating whether it’s over the internet/phone or in person.<p>Until you know more about your wife’s involvement with this man you may want to hold off on the confrontation.<p>Have you considered installing tracking software on your wife’s computer so you can see what she is writing and IM’ing to this man? We use the one sold as www.iopus.com. It works very well and can be run in stealth mode. When in stealth mode, it cannot be detected… believe me, my H and I are software/computer professionals. We tried to detect it and to circumvent it with no luck. If you do install this type of software, you will need to steel yourself for what you may find out.<p>Have you considered accompanying your wife on her trip to the conference? This might put a stop to her plans to meet the OM. <p>The topic of snooping comes up here often. Here is a recent thread on the topic. It may help you resolve any ethical concerns you have about it. Should we snooping/sleuthing ?<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013734<p>About your sex life being better recently… affairs are weird in that they can either kill your sex life are put it in a honeymoon stage. I think that the honeymoon stage is caused by the need for reassurance. And perhaps the OM making your wife feel good about herself and therefore making her feel more sexual. (hint hint on something you can do for her.)<p>Counselors can be terrible for marriages. But a good one can really help. So going to one is not necessarily a good thing. Check out the web page on this site about “marriage coaching”. You might find it useful.<p>It’s interesting that your wife is lying to this man about her life. It is not unusual for a person to fabricate their life on the Internet. My H did the same thing. After d-day I got ahold of his IM buddy list and chatted with/ phone/ emailed every woman (60 of them) on his list. Only 2 of them knew of our engagement and then our marriage. He had been lying to some of them for up to 2.5 years. It’s just too easy on the Internet. You know, those lies may be the best friend you have. How is she ever going to met this guy and live up to what she has told him?
For all you know, this man is also lying to her. It is very usual for a married man to play this game. Perhaps you can find out who he is and get some basic information about him. Like is he married, does he really work where he says he does, etc etc. There are a lot of dangerous people on the Internet. For all you know this is a creep setting her up. The internet has a way of lulling peopling into believing that they are safe. People feel that because of the anonymity they are safe. I’ve found that this is exactly why people let their guard down and end up in messes. It is too easy and too seductive.<p>Re: her real life and online life are separate.<p>For me, just the fact that she is carring on with someone online in any matter is unacceptable. Have you asked her if you can join their chat and emai circle? If she says no.... then it is obvious that she is telling him things she does not want you to hear. There is no reason what so ever for a married person to have a "private" relationship with a person of the opposite sex. That is how affairs start.<p>This is a very dangerous game she is playing. If the OM is actually falling for her, she is being very cruel. And the chances are very high that he is playing a cruel game with her. It is very possible that he is doing the same with several other women. <p>Do you know of any other woman who could get on line and flirt with this guy and see if he will engage in the same type of relationship with them? Or perhaps you could pretend to be a woman and see how far it goes? One of the first indications I had that there was a real problem with my H’s chats with his “friends” is when I created a fake IM name and started chatting with him. It was not very long before I heard his sad story about being a single dad raising his kids alone. And he was flirting with me like crazy. <p>My suggestion is that before you confront yor wife, read the book “Surviving an Affair” before you confront your wife and have solid information about the state of her affair. The information is important because otherwise she will be able to skate around it as she has been.<p>Hope this helped some.<p>Z<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Hearing that the potential meeting is not until April is good news, you have many months to work on things before then. <p>My W and her "friends" were also talking about meeting. Her friends (including OM) were all going to take a road trip and swing by our house. Coincidentally, this trip was going to happen when I was out of town and 2 of our 3 kids would be at summer camp. Fortunately, after I confronted her about things she cancelled all those plans and we started to work on things.<p>Zorweb is very right about the danger in this game. Real people are involved. As your W gets sucked into closer friendships with these online people I have no doubt she will eventually come clean and tell them the truth. My W was the one in our family that invented all of our online "rules" - ie. don't tell anyone personal stuff about yourself (who you are, where you live, etc.). She broke these rules first with women, then with friends of those women. It's very easy to do, it seemed so "right" to her. <p>Many others have commented about the "boil the frog slowly" analogy. Most notably Zorweb's H, SeenTheLight.<p>Major pitfalls ahead: you can't educate your W, no matter how clear and obvious this is to you. You will be tempted to try and it will be a big lovebuster (LB). This is what usually happens in any "confrontation" about what she is doing. <p>I did my confrontation online via this web site and email. I laid out all the info that I had and explained how it made me feel. That's where I left it. No judgments, no anger (I think). I'm not saying this is a recommended way to do things -- I'm a conflict avoider (and a wimp) so I have great difficulty with confrontation or expressing feelings to my W -- this was the only way I was going to get it done. She had all day to think about things and calm down before we talked about it.<p>Between D-day (April) and the confrontation (June) I had been making changes in the way I was responding to her. She did mention (afterwards) that she noticed those changes and appreciated them. I started out very smothering, but then relaxed after a while. She was very cooperative about spending time together, going out on dates, etc. <p>If your W will actually agree to do stuff with you that is a very hopeful sign. Try to schedule a "date" every week, or every other week if you can't manage that. This time of year you might just go walking and look at Christmas lights. Pleasant stuff.<p>A possible pitfall: don't use these dates to instigate "relationship" talks, unless she is the one that starts them. Even then, don't take that as a sign that you can educate her (ie. don't take control of the talk once it starts). Lots of people will say just acknowledge what she is saying and leave it at that. These are supposed to be relaxed times together - no pressure.<p>If you have time to do more reading on this site you might want to do a search for posts that talk about internet romances, or EA's in general (Emotional Affairs)<p>Well, That's all I have for now.<p>Take care,<p>Jeffers