Hello all....I am new to this website and have been reading other posts but haven't found anything specific to my problem....I just found out that my H had an A about 10 years ago with a friend of mine..(It was just a one night thing) I found that I could forgive him for that and was suprisingly not that upset over it...My problem is that I can't get over the fact that he kept it from me for 10 years...that our marriage has not been what I thought it was...one based on honesty and trust and respect. We do talk about this but he nor I know what to do to help me get past this...Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks in advance....S

Stacey,<p>Has you H tried to explore WHY he kept it from you? I think that GUYS ESPECIALLY have this thing in them that often causes them to repress this sort of thing (I know I did after my EA 4 years ago).<p>Speaking purely form my experience. When I CHOSE to try to recommit myself to our M, I didn't really WANT to be here. Eventually, I grew to love my W more than EVER BEFORE. At that point, my justification for not telling her shifted from trying to see if the M could be saved (without the extra baggage of the EA- little did I know) to I just plain didn't want to hurt her in the way that I knew it would. I was afraid that now that I loved her again, I'd lose her if she knew. I thought I could just bury it and never even think about it- boy was I wrong, it ate away my insides.<p>
Try to think about it this way. The LIES and DECEPTION occurred 10 years ago, and only for a finite time. Everything since then may well have been real. He really loved you, he really cared about your wellbeing, etc... He just may not have wanted to hurt you terribly like he knew it would. Yes it was wrong to withhold it from you, yes it probably made HIM miserable, but the way I see it, the fact that he didn't tell you is REALLY a separate issue from the actual A. <p>I know that it brings doubts to your mind about the validity of the last 10 years....know that those 10 years WERE REAL.<p>I hope this may help to shed a little light.<p>Kev

Thank you for your response Kev...it does help...Can I ask you about your EA...What constitutes an EA...the way I found out about my H's A was I read his e-mail to another F ...I think he was on his way to an EA but I think I caught it in time...however he still has contact with OP....do I have anything to worry about? Anyone can reply by the way!

stacey,
First, welcome to a great place that will be able to help you. You mentioned that you found out by an e-mail to a friend, and that there is still contact with the OP. I disagree with your statement that you can't find anything specific to your problem . . .<p>You need to look at your situation, really look at it. It is there, and it is real.<p>First, read everything that Harley's have written on the site - I recommend highly that you get the Harley's books - Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs - abbreviated SAA, and HNHN (you can order them from this site). Read them and educate yourself. This is alot deeper than what you think. <p>Following the principles you learn here, you can turn your marriage around. Let me tell you (and we are not psychs here) as long as there is contact there is something there - you will learn from this site and the books that there cannot be any contact. Those who continue to allow contact are kidding themselves. You will learn that there cannot be any contact. We refer to an A (meaning affair - either EA or PA), an EA is an emotional affair and is probably worse than a PA - although the physical part can kill you inside also. The PA means physical affair usually sex, but can mean physical contact. Your EA includes touching and kissing.<p>From real personal experience I have experienced alot of hurt from HS boyfriends (long term) who I found out later took other girls out, I had a first husband who was with my best friend when we split - we grew apart for years. That was real past stuff - but . . .<p>The thing that brought me here was entirely by accident - I wrote a letter to Dr. Dobson, but I also contacted Minirth, Meyers. Somehow between those two I got Harley's newsletter. I wrote the letter in Jan 2001, but contacted Minirth in October - it wasn't until April/May 2001 that I took a look at this site. I had been in so much PAIN. Almost for an entire year - by myself (and my H) who I had realized, felt, and seen was directed towards a "family friend" of sorts. I actually "saw" it when she and her daughter came to visit just before our move. And I saw this woman "in love" with my H. A few days later - God woke me up, and I walked into our computer room - he was on Instant Messenger with her, saying my love words to him. Then within a couple of weeks I found relationship greeting cards he went and bought for her. My hell began in June 2000, I guess you could say "thank god" for clueing me in.<p>It has been a long road to recovery, in the dungeons of hell.<p>This is why I say it is deeper than what you think - and you will need to examine all of it.<p>I was one of those who thought I had a perfect marriage - boy was I WRONG!!!!!!! We have a lot to learn - but you can turn it around.<p>I encourage you to get the books, and get started. Get help from individuals here - but you will need to read. There are many books out on this subject matter, and it even gets deeper. I am still reading books on infidelity matters - I read alot of different authors, and take what I need. Last year in March, I wanted to start seeing a different counselor - my H wanted to wait. We saw a MC from October to December. I was still going crazy - that's why I wrote the letter to Dr. Dobson.<p>The greatest tool that my H and I use is the Marriage Recovery Agreement - my H has read the books too. On a quarterly basis, we document our 5 important EN's, and we add to the MRA at the end. It isn't perfect yet, but it has improved communication regarding spending money, and he is back with his communication when he travels (ie. he called to inform me immediately a flight # change because he got a flight straight through instead of a connecting flight). The neat thing with the MRA for us is it has identified problem areas and we are working together as a team to solve our problems - to make things better.<p>I really wish you success with turning your marriage around. My H and I just had our quarterly meeting and we finally both had one EN that was the same. Honestly for us (and the major hurt for me) was that I lost my H with SF (sexual fulfillment), he did not want to make love - our A never went to a PA - it was only an EA. We have some SF (not as much as I would like, but it is coming back too).<p>I can hear denial in your post - something isn't quite right, because you will dig and dig to figure out why he kept this from you for 10 years. There was something I had not told my H for 13 years - there were things my H had not devulged to me - they came out during the d-day week. <p>The best to you, just do some serious reading in these books, and start directing your issues with your H honestly. That is how you will make your marriage stronger & live.<p>My H & I were at a bookstore the other day - and he said "radical honesty" and told me of a book he'd bought - he smirked when he said radical honesty, knowing he'd not told me he'd spent money - he brought me home the book the next day from his office to look at.<p>We are on the mend.<p>I hope you will be also.<p>My H and I will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary on February 14th, 2002 - he will be gone on a business trip. We have two daughters, two dogs, and I love my family. The way things were going were not going to go too much longer - that's why God showed me the devil was in my house. This will be the second xmas her family (we know her parents) will not receive a Christmas card from our family. Yes, that is in my mind - and also - the last time she called him. Our OW tracked him down, and called my H at his new office - God put me outside his door with my daughters, and I knew. That was the last time he has talked to her, and he's promised if she ever calls again he will tell me. That's been 16 months ago. I know God does not want me to hate - but I really do hate her. There may be some opportunity in future years that she will show up to see my H. <p>My advice to you is to see there is something - you two will need to work together to solve it. Good luck. I hope you are successful. I really don't get on here much anymore. Maybe someday I can devote more time - right now I need to work on my H's EN (domestic support). The best to you. aftershock