After going back and forth on this one issue of no contact other than work my husband posed this question to me"What if I said O.K. there will be no personal conversation and you are O.K. with that, but the conversations do continue and I just don't tell you about them. Then six months down the road we are doing well amd things are working for us, but the conversations and friendship have continued? Then you tell me the difference between it really ending and my just saying it does? Things are going well with us aren't they, even though the relationship is still there?" I'm not sure how to take that. I have told him that I won't accept a nrelationship with her and now he is threatening dishonesty because I am so steadfast in this. Why isn't our marriage important enough to him to end this once and for all(for real). He is so angry at me right now and says that I am refusing to see his point of view on this. I know that ending it will be hard. I also realize I don't know how hard. He says my attitude on this point makes him want to work on "us" less and less. <BR>I say "why should I accept something that you yourself wouldn't" he says "turning the tables isn't fair because we are different people". <BR>I feel like we will never get past this impass and do I believe him now if he tells me that "yes it is over"?<BR>Why is this one relationship so important to him that he would say something that is going to put doubts in my head as to his honesty from now on?<BR>I don't know where this leaves us. <P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

He's in withdrawl and doesn't want to end the contact, plus he actually can't if he is working with her. I know because I work with the OM (I am a betrayer, and I have also been betrayed). It's been the most difficult thing on earth to show up to work day after day and see my walking-talking mistake doing the same. I can't quit, and my H doesn't want me to, so what to do? <P>A modified no contact rule would be: <B>no contact unless it is business only.</B><P>The honesty rule has to stick. But if he says, "don't want to talk about it" you need to accept that. He needs to be honest about his feelings though so that you can begin to feel trust. I'm just saying that my H would ask every single day how it was with the OM. Then he would be mad because I had to deal with OM. Then it would snowball. Now, my H will call some days and ask, and I still tell him, but it isn't so often anymore. The OM and I have this awkward kind of working relationship that must happen if we are to continue there. We aren't friends, although I did try to make a friendship work with him. Can't happen. NO MATTER WHAT anyone says. Can't work.<P>Does that help??<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

untall,<BR>Like I told you in the first post that I wrote to you, It took my H 2 mo. to understand the words, "No Contact at All !!!" He tried to end it 2 times, each time she would call and say, "how's it going?" That's all it took to keep the ball rolling. She kept pulling his strings. She was getting rid of her H and mine was telling her he was going to TRY to get over this?...."TRY",,,,,, I guess that was a signal to her. Finally, when he thought he was loosing me, the light bulb came on, he told her it was over for good, no more contact, and he MENT IT ! I could tell cause he had so much compassion for me, did everything but put a knife in his chest. Didn't question anything I needed, was so concerned about me, did everything to work on our marriage. He didn't understand, but he learned REAL quick what to say and what to do. He learned also what true love was like.<BR>I don't know what it's going to take for your H to start thinking again, this Bad Brain Period is unbelievable!.... But, he will heal, and so will you with TIME.<P>Almost Happy<P>--------<BR>TIME

All I can say is that the things will not be going well. My H tried to do jsut that. Deep down I knew he was still having contact. So we never made it work. And because he couldn't give her he is now living with her. You can't have contact with the OP and have your marriage work because then both are a lie. He doesn't want to give her up he is just making excuses and trying to turn things around on you. All I know it can't happen one or the other has to go.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Un,<BR>If your H really wanted to work on your marriage, he would put your feelings before those of ow.<BR>He has said that he will not be "mean" to HER, but apparently he is ok with YOU being <BR>hurt because he is unwilling to alienate the ow. It's like he is LOOKING for a fight over this, and using the most lame justifications to keep himself in her good graces (in case HER marriage doesn't work out maybe?) I feel for you. H still seems undecided to me.<BR>Peace<BR>Kate

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What if I said O.K. there will be no personal conversation and you are O.K. with that, but the conversations do continue and I just don't tell you about them. Then six months down the road we are doing well amd things are working for us, but the conversations and friendship have continued?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Oh, and Clinton didn't inhale either.