Here is the situation. I thought that I was doing "OK" with my plan A. But here is the problem. Allow me to briefly recap on my situation. <p>WS moved out into her own apartment without telling me about A. I found out on my own by driving by her apartment in the middle of the night out of suspicion. She had asked me to keep it in secrecy from our family (probably for her to save face and make me look like the bad guy). <p>Well the Wed morning before Thanksgiving hiding her A from my family has been taking its toll on me. We were lightly talking about what was going to happen with our daughter on Turkey day. I asked her politly NOT to take her to OM family, and she would not ablige. We started to argue and she said "This is exactly why I moved out, cause of this sh*t!" (My mother comes to my house to watch our daughter so she was witnessing this). I retorted with "NO, you moved out so you could [censored] your boyfriend!" Well she immediately started to deny the fact that she has a BF and I insisted that she did. Well to make a long story short, she now wants to file for a Divorce (cause her affair is known)<p>I asked her not to act out of anger cause you do things that you might later regret. I told her that I had acted out of anger this morning and did not like what I had said or did. Now that I mentioned her affair, she has done a 180 with her attitude towards me. Before she was just kind of cold and mean, now she is EXTREMELY cold, heartless, and downright evil. <p>She tells me that she does not love me, and that there is absolutley nothing to work out. She won't even put forth ANY effort to make our marriage work. I try to tell her that I love her with all of my heart, but it does nothing but push her away. I am in need of some SERIOUS help from people who have been through this same situation and what can I do to POSSIBLY salvage any little bit of marriage that we once had?

Well, for starters, stop arguing with her, bite your lip, and recognize that you're not dealing with a rational person. Her "non affair" will reveal itself in time. <p>There is nothing you can do to alter the course of the affair. Don't even try. It will likely end - to hasten its end, do not intrerfere with it.<p>You are not doing OK with Plan A if this interchange is typical. Get your Plan A together and recognize that you can only change yourself.

deleted duplicate post<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Can't even believe I'm going to type this, because I've found this VERY thing nearly impossible to do myself....<p>Back off, give her some space. Let her simmer down a little bit and do a genuine Plan A (from a distance if necessary). Remember, Plan A is for YOU and YOU ALONE!!! If she notices the changes in you, and she will, then it's just that much better, but it's NOT the prime purpose for Plan A.<p>Try to make yourself a "safe haven" for her...like WAT said, DO NOT ARGUE WITH HER!!! This is the only thing that you should be doing regarding her, be nice to her, be calm to her, be strong for her....but do NOT try to change her, judge her, end the A, change you FOR her....none of those will help, quite the opposite, they'll hurt your chances TERRIBLE. Believe me, I know!<p>God bless.
Kev

mermitt,<p>Read Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs - but SAA need IMMEDIATE ATTENTION! <p>Start applying the principles - no matter what it takes ! ! ! ! <p>If you've said you have SAA & have read - my apologies - there are alot of other great infidelity books too - like Private Lies, etc.<p>I know this is killing you! I am truly sorry for that - try to hang in there (which I know is hard), I really know the intense pain you are experiencing.<p>She is in the fog. I lived it with my H - I didn't even know him - thank God he has come back, and we have come back.<p>She won't listen to any reason - because she is incapable of it right now - she only feels the euphoria of the OM - please try to live through this. aftershock