I have the day off and was stting here thinking of something to do. I decided to write a rough draft of a plan B letter. I'm still about 2 months from sending it since we still need to sell our house, but here goes:<p>"Dear <W>,<p>I regret that we find ourselves in the situation we're in. I never imagined this would happen to us.<p>I'm aware that my behavior in the past, namely my temper and critisism, contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional estrangement between us. I'm grateful to you for making me see what a problem that was and I've worked very hard this past year to overcome that behavior, not for you, but for me. I wanted to be a better husband, a better father, but most importantly a better person. The changes I've made have improved my realtionships with everyone in my life, except for you. I've still got some work to do, but I'm proud of the person I've become.<p>That being said, we still find ourselves on the verge of divorce. That saddens me because I still believe in our marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes and through hard work and commitment we can rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, dreams and needs. The kind of marriage we both imagined of when we said "I do".<p>However, this can't happen as long as <OM> is still a part of your life. I don't think it's a coincidence that our marriage has deteroirated to the point it has as your relationship with him grew. I've suffered tremendous pain this past year from seeing our marriage fall apart and
from the knowledge of your relationship with him, but my love for you and our daughter gave me the strength to go on. But that pain has become unbearable and it's more than I can take.<p>If down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I look forward to discussing it with you. However, until that time, I can have no contact with you except for issues concerning <daughter>. We can work out an arrangement on a visitation schedule that will minimize any contact between us. You can email me or leave me a voice mail if you must contact me. Any issues regarding the divorce can be handled through our lawyers. I'm not doing this as a form of punishment or retribution, I'm doing this to perserve the love I have left for you and to prevent myself from being hurt any further. It is a necessary step I must take to allow the healing to begin.

I still love you very much, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but I cannot do that until you can reassure me that all contact with <OM> has stopped. Until that time, I must get on with my life.<p>All my love,
<H>"<p>I know I'll make several changes in the weeks to come, but I'm just looking for opinions.<p>sad dad<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Pretty dern good.<p>A few phrases jumped out at me as being unnecessary, but as I re-read it, they seemed OK.<p>Let's see what the REAL wordsmiths have to say.

WAT, <p>Let me know what those phrases are. I value your opinion and maybe be able to offer my resons for them.<p>sad dad

sad - OK, here's the things that I reacted to. This is really splitting hairs, though:<p>"I'm grateful to you for making me see what a problem that was and I've worked very hard this past year to overcome that behavior, not for you, but for me."<p>I recommend you delete the "not for you, but for me." With those words, it comes across to me as a bit too selfish.<p>"The changes I've made have improved my realtionships with everyone in my life, except for you."<p>I recommend you delete the "except for you." I think that makes it sound judgemental.<p>"I believe we can learn from our mistakes and through hard work and commitment we can rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage."<p>I recommend you change it to: "I believe we can learn from our mistakes and with effort and desire we can rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and reclaim our family for our daughter"<p>"I don't think it's a coincidence that our marriage has deteroirated to the point it has as your relationship with him grew." I know what you mean here, but to me it comes across as you blaming her totally for the marriage problems. Earlier, you DO acknowledge your role, but this sentence, to me, erases the earlier humbleness. Maybe start it with "Despite my contribution to our problems....."<p>"Any issues regarding the divorce can be handled through our lawyers." I would avoid the D word at all costs. Try, "Any legal issues can be handled through our lawyers." <p>"I'm not doing this as a form of punishment or retribution, I'm doing this to perserve the love I have left for you and to prevent myself from being hurt any further. It is a necessary step I must take to allow the healing to begin." This whole passage bothers me too much. I guess the reason is that I don't think you should defend your decision with any more than to say you are just in too much pain. Also, the "healing" conclusion comes across as a contradiction to wanting to save the marriage. Try this: "Please understand that I'm doing this to perserve the love I have left for you and to prevent myself from being hurt any further."<p>"Until that time, I must get on with my life." Just leave this out for the same reason as the "healing" thing.<p>OK, those are my thoughts.<p>WAT

WAT,<p>"I'm grateful to you for making me see what a problem that was and I've worked very hard this past year to overcome that behavior, not for you, but for me."<p>wat - I recommend you delete the "not for you, but for me." With those words, it comes across to me as a bit too selfish.<p>sd - What I was trying to convey is that I made these changes to make me a better person, not just for her sake.<p>"The changes I've made have improved my realtionships with everyone in my life, except for you."<p>wat - I recommend you delete the "except for you." I think that makes it sound judgemental.<p>sd - I got the same response from "lifeismessy".<p>"I believe we can learn from our mistakes and through hard work and commitment we can rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage."<p>wat - I recommend you change it to: "I believe we can learn from our mistakes and with effort and desire we can rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and reclaim our family for our daughter"<p>sd - "...and reclaim our family for our daughter".
Isn't this playing the guilt angle?<p>"I don't think it's a coincidence that our marriage has deteroirated to the point it has as your relationship with him grew." <p>wat - I know what you mean here, but to me it comes across as you blaming her totally for the marriage problems. Earlier, you DO acknowledge your role, but this sentence, to me, erases the earlier humbleness. Maybe start it with "Despite my contribution to our problems....."<p>sd - I get you point, not sure how to reword it.<p>"Any issues regarding the divorce can be handled through our lawyers." <p>wat - I would avoid the D word at all costs. Try, "Any legal issues can be handled through our lawyers." <p>sd- Good point.<p>"I'm not doing this as a form of punishment or retribution, I'm doing this to perserve the love I have left for you and to prevent myself from being hurt any further. It is a necessary step I must take to allow the healing to begin." <p>wat - This whole passage bothers me too much. I guess the reason is that I don't think you should defend your decision with any more than to say you are just in too much pain. Also, the "healing" conclusion comes across as a contradiction to wanting to save the marriage. Try this: "Please understand that I'm doing this to perserve the love I have left for you and to prevent myself from being hurt any further."<p>sd - OK<p>"Until that time, I must get on with my life." Just leave this out for the same reason as the "healing" thing.<p>sd - OK

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad dad:
<strong>"I'm grateful to you for making me see what a problem that was and I've worked very hard this past year to overcome that behavior, not for you, but for me."<p>wat - I recommend you delete the "not for you, but for me." With those words, it comes across to me as a bit too selfish.<p>sd - What I was trying to convey is that I made these changes to make me a better person, not just for her sake.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I understand. How 'bout: "I'm grateful to you for making me see what a problem that was and I've worked very hard this past year to overcome that behavior, not just for you, but for me
and our daughter as well."<p>I agree that mentioning your daughter may be perceived as playing the guilt card. Let's face it. Your daughter is the biggest victim here. IF FOR NO OTHER REASON, your W should try to work things out with you. I say play it every chance you get.

Alright, here are the changes:<p>"Dear <W>,<p>I regret that we find ourselves in the situation we're in. I never imagined this would happen to us.<p>I'm aware that my behavior in the past, namely my temper and criticism, contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional estrangement between us. I'm grateful to you for making me see what a problem that was and I've worked very hard this past year to overcome that behavior, not only for you, but for me and our daughter as well. I wanted to be a better husband, a better father, but most importantly a better person. The changes I've made have improved my relationships with most of the people in my life, especially <daughter>. I've still got some work to do, but I'm proud of the person I've become.<p>I still believe in our marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes and with effort and desire we can rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and reclaim our family for our daughter. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings and dreams. The kind of marriage we both imagined when we said "I do".<p>However, this can't happen as long as <OM> is still a part of your life. Despite my contribution to our problems, I don't believe it's a coincidence that our marriage has deteriorated to the point it has as your relationship with him continues. I've suffered tremendous pain this past year from seeing our marriage fall apart and from the knowledge of your relationship with him, but my love for you and our daughter gave me the strength to go on. But that pain has become unbearable and it's more than I can take.<p>If down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I look forward to discussing it with you and working out a plan for marital recovery. However, until that time, I can have no contact with you except for issues concerning <daughter>. We can work out an arrangement on a visitation schedule that will minimize any contact between us. You can email me or leave me a voice mail if you must contact me. Any legal issues can be handled through our lawyers. Please understand that I am doing this to preserve the love I have left for you and to prevent myself from being hurt any further.

I still love you very much, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but I cannot do that until you can reassure me that all contact with <OM> has stopped. <p>All my love,
<H>"<p>Whatta ya think?<p>[ December 01, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

I'm disappointed more folks didn't weigh in.<p>Print it, sign it, have it ready.<p>Good luck. You're an intelligent egg with a terrific sense of reality. Never doubt that you're doing the right thing.<p>WAT

WAT,<p>Hopefully a few more folks will offer their opinions.<p>Thanks for the kind words. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. In case you didn't see my other posts, a sheriff showed up at my work yesterday to serve me papers. I called in sick. He didn't show today, maybe tomorrow. I knew it was coming, but it still hurts.<p>Thanks again!<p>sad dad

Hi, <p>I am impressed. 1st draft and the 2nd looks good to go at least that's my opinion. I am proud of you sd. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Bumping this up for more opinions. Hey Wat, are you charging for your services here? LOL! <p>
**************Good coaching!!!***************<p>L.

sad dad,
I have no advice for you but you're in my prayers.
I came here hoping to read through some things about plan B letters and saw your thread. I think WAT gave you some really good advice and your letter brought tears to my eyes. It's a beautiful letter and I wish the best for you. MayGod bless you

sad dad - Your letter kicks a**.<p>Great job.<p>Temper and criticism. Me too. I just didn't know...<p>
Now comes the harder part; stickin' with the plan.<p>Dan

I recently saw a response to a post from WAT saying that it's important to send a copy of plan B letter to OP. His reasoning was to make sure that OP knows that the BS has not given up on the marriage, despite what the WS may be telling OP. Can anyone elaborate on this? <p>sad dad

sd,
I think your letter is fine. I can't think of a thing to change [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] read it over and over on different days to perfect it, but I think it's really good like it is.<p>
I hope you get a little more feedback from some old-timer experts. I think many of them have gotten burned out. They must've gotten tired of us younguns doing our own thing... I guess we're a stubborn bunch [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>When are you gonna give it to her? I need to go check out your lim thread.... and when are you talking to Steve again? I know you said that too.... nevermind... I'll go look. hehehe<p>see ya later! hang in there! We'll make it!<p>Oh yes... Your question about the OP. Someone recommended to me that I send a copy to the OP. I plan on doing this. See what Steve says. I think, in my case, it will emphasize the fact that I know that the A continues, as well, as demonstrate my commitment to the marriage. The Ow also sent me a letter of support the last time H came home to "work on the marriage". I wil include a copy of this letter, to remind her, and and to be sure she sees it (in case he wrote it as a "decoy" or something).<p>see ya!<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith1,<p>I can't give it to her until we sell the house, probably 2 months, unless one of us leaves first.<p>Have a good weekend if I don't hear from you.<p>sad dad

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad dad:
<strong>Alright, here are the changes:<p>"Dear <W>,<p>I regret that we find ourselves in the situation we're in. I never imagined this would happen to us.<p>I'm aware that my behavior in the past, namely my temper and criticism, contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional estrangement between us. I'm grateful to you for making me see what a problem that was and I've worked very hard this past year to overcome that behavior, not only for you, but for me and our daughter as well. I wanted to be a better husband, a better father, but most importantly a better person. The changes I've made have improved my relationships with most of the people in my life, especially <daughter>. I've still got some work to do, but I'm proud of the person I've become.<p>I still believe in our marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes and with effort and desire we can rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and reclaim our family for our daughter. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. The kind of marriage we both imagined when we said "I do".<p>However, this can't happen as long as <OM> is still a part of your life. Despite my contribution to our problems, I don't believe it's a coincidence that our marriage has deteriorated to the point it has as your relationship with him continues. I've suffered tremendous pain this past year from seeing our marriage fall apart and from the knowledge of your relationship with him, but my love for you and our daughter gave me the strength to go on. But that pain has become unbearable and it's more than I can take.<p>If down the road, you have a change of heart and want to discuss reconciling, I look forward to talking about it with you and working out a plan for marital recovery. However, until that time, I can have no contact with you except for issues concerning <daughter>. We can work out an arrangement on a visitation schedule that will minimize any contact between us. You can email me or leave me a voice mail if you must contact me. Any legal issues can be handled through our lawyers. Please understand that I am doing this to preserve the love I have left for you and to prevent myself from being hurt any further.

I still love you very much, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but I cannot do that until you can reassure me that all contact with <OM> has stopped. <p>All my love,
<H>"<p>Whatta ya think?<p>[ December 01, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

sd<p>
Awesome letter, you did a very good job. I am sure that it cost you to have to write it, but I know that I felt better after writing a letter of that nature, never sent it, just felt better knowing that it was written.<p>Just a few suggestions take them or leave them.

"I've still got some work to do, but I'm proud of the person I've become."<p>I suggest "person I am becoming" you are still a work in progress.<p>"However, this can't happen as long as <OM> is still a part of your life."<p>I "suggest part of our lives" OM is effecting your life too.<p>Dawn