Is there anything a remorseful WS can say or do to ease the pain we have caused our BS? What types of ideas/suggestions have worked and how were they received by the BS? I am very curious and just trying to learn how to restore love and trust in my M one step at a time.

Sorrowful,<p>I'm a BS...my H has been trying to show me his love and his desire to work on our M for which I'm very grateful. He's trying to regain my trust by giving me his e-mail password and telling me each time he encounters the OW (almost daily). When asked, he tells me that he doesn't love her but has "residual feelings (physical memories)". Personally, I'd feel so much better if I could just hear him tell me, on his own accord, that the A was a huge mistake and that he has no feeling for the OW. Although he has told me that memories will fade in time, knowing that he sees her almost daily does not make me feel any better. How can memories fade when there's constant reminders? You need to reassure your S about your love, not just with words but with actions. God bless.

Things that helped me
1) when I cried, he gently stroked the side of my face repeating "its all gonna be ok I promise"
2)He wrote a no contact letter and sent it
3)he always tells me when he see's OW
4) I know where he is at all times, frequent daily contact
5)he answered all my questions
6)He finally,after 7 months appologized, felt bad
7) he can never say too many times - it was a mistake, Im sorry, I wont hurt you again
8) he is finally starting to understand what "extrordinary precautions" are
9) when OW is around he treats me kind and loving, holding on to me
10) he has listened to me read books,books books, tapes etc. and tried some self help stuff
11) he has admitted affair as mistake to others when asked
12)he spends family time with us
13)he goes to church now
14)we spend 15 hours a week with each other
12,13 and 14 are ways that make ME feel like he is trying to fix things for me, they would be different for your BS,
most all of these things did not come naturally -I had to spell out what I needed to feel better - if I had not told him what particular things amde me feel better, he would have been washing my car, and buying me flowers (both of which mean little to me)
good luck, oh ya the biggest one
TIME

My W and I are in a very slow recovery from her EA. (I now accept it's going to be slow because she is a strong-willed stubborn individual who very rarely admits mistakes.) Anyway the thing that would really help me is to have my feelings validated. To have her say how sorry she is and show some appreciation of how I have suffered through all of this would go a long way with me.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sorrowful:
<strong>Is there anything a remorseful WS can say or do to ease the pain we have caused our BS? What types of ideas/suggestions have worked and how were they received by the BS? I am very curious and just trying to learn how to restore love and trust in my M one step at a time.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Absolutely. Always be suportive and patient. It takes along time for the BS to start to fell even semi secure again. I think it was a year for me before I stopped expecting things to suddenly fall apart again. Show lots of affection. My H was great. Even when he caught me snooping he didn't get angry. He was very understanding. don't have unaccounted for time. One of the most important things for me was that the suspicious behaviors that went on during the A came to a screeching halt. No more "working late" or having drinks with mysterious "friends from work" who I had never met. I could reach him at anytime when he was at work. So my advice is pateince, patience patience, affection and accountability for your time and whereabouts.

You have received some great suggestions. They would all help any recovering BS. <p>One thing I remember to be the most helpful to me was when he knew I'd had a trigger or bad day, he would hold me close and tell me that he knew how hard it was and tell me how sorry he was for creating the situation. <p>This helped tremendously because I got so tired of having to tell him that I was having a hard time and spelling out what he could do to help me. <p>The fact that you are here, asking for suggestions, should make a very large deposit in her Love Bank. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Good luck to you both.

First and foremost<p>Absolute utter radical honesty. This is the only way to have a starting point to rebuild trust. They must come clean with everthing you ask.<p>Second:<p>Account for their time.<p>Third: <p>Compensate for the Affair by following
the above.