As some of you may recall, a couple of weeks ago WH told me he has decided between me and OW, but wasn't ready to tell me just what he had decided. Well, it turns out I was right, probably no real surprise to any of us here including me -- the waffle just isn't done yet. He still has not made any announcements or committments. OW is still fully in the picture.<p>It may be wishful thinking on my part, but I think he's telegraphing that he's planning to stay with me. "I've been here all these months since D-day, haven't I?" <p>He also made a comment indicating he was disappointed that I wasn't cuddling up to him in bed the other night. That was interesting because SF is an issue for him (he has complaints with regard to both frequency and quality), so I've been making sure to never say no and trying to not hold back on any affection. It is hard to keep up with affection when you don't get much response, so sometimes I do back off a little, but I try to do it anyway because otherwise we will just fall back into the same bad patterns. Basically I've mostly felt like I was cuddling up to a lump in the bed these days, no cuddling in return, but I've persisted anyway. Even though I've gotten little reaction, he's obviously noticed and likes it. So maybe he's staying and warming back up to me, or he just wants some good times to remember me by. It's hard to tell since the really basic stuff, kisses in the am & pm and the I love you's never stopped.<p>What I've been doing is playing the game his way, being as cool and cooperative as I can be, not showing signs of being anxious over his "decision." I did ask him if he had a date in mind to make an announcement, but did not get a yes or no answer. I fear that this could drag on until after Christmas, because he would probably feel guilty (or at least use it as an excuse to keep stringing both me and OW along longer) about dumping someone right before Christmas. He's got to be stringing OW along, making some kind of promises and giving her hope.<p>I found the OW antics this weekend to be entertaining, although it did trigger a day of depression for me. We had a big storm that knocked out the electricity, so WH couldn't get his car out of the garage to go over to see OW as he planned and had to call her and cancel. A couple of hours later, just after the electricity was restored, she drives up to our house and sits in the driveway honking the horn until WH goes out to talk to her. It was just so Jerry Springer that I didn't get majorly angry over this. Mostly I was laughing and making fun of her and speculating on her intent for showing up at my house. I think WH was angry that she showed up. He wouldn't let me walk out there with him to greet her and physically restrained me from doing so. I never did find out what she hoped to accomplish. I don't bring her up, and he didn't offer an explanation when he got home (he did end up spending the day with her). I suspect she thought he was lying about the power outage and that I was keeping him from her. I'm hoping what she accomplished was a big LB. She also knows he's got the big announcement pending, and she's probably getting nervous and putting on the pressure again. That's why I'm being cool about this, because I don't think she can do the same. I suspect she's been pressuring him off and on all along, and that is partly what has kept him from moving out again.

SilverRose,
Sounds like you are doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Kudos to you! You are doing a better job than I would in those circumstances. Power to you, gal!!!!!
Don't you just love it when the OW Lb's? hehehehe...he's finding out about the real her and the fantasy is dissapating. Go, girl, go!!!
Hang in there.
Mikkey

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SilverRose:
<strong>
A couple of hours later, just after the electricity was restored, she drives up to our house and sits in the driveway honking the horn until WH goes out to talk to her. It was just so Jerry Springer that I didn't get majorly angry over this.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Them crazy ole OW's! They are just so silly billy! I know I would just bust a gut laughing if the OW came over to MY HOUSE to fetch my H! Heck, maybe she could even visit with the kids and try on some of my clothes! That should earn some Plan A points with the ole WH! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

All I can say is that if the OW EVER had the nerve to show up at my home, my H would have an extremely difficult time restraining me. If he could at all. She would be, at the least, minus a couple of headlights.<p>More power to ya for controlling yourself.

In my wildest dream I could NEVER, EVER imagine being able to do that. I don't know if I'd WANT to.<p>Your OW is a bit*h!!! I'm sure she is LBing all over the place. Good for you.<p>I still can't believe you could do all that and be so calm. You're amazing.<p>HbH

SilverRose,
I went back and read through most of your posts to get a better sense of what you've been through.<p>My one big question..Why does he get to choose?<p>I understand Plan A'ing...recognizing your own faults, making changes that enable you to be a better person and mate...it's a good way of life and one I've adopted for the last year. And I also understand the concept of showing him, with actions, how you have changed for the better not just for 1-2 weeks but permanently. But with his flagrant display of courting the OW and your silence, I'm afraid the message he's receiving is that "I can have it all my way. I can push this to the limits simply because my wife has not set any limits."<p>But, there comes a point when boundaries have to be set.<p>I also understand your feelings wanting him to choose freely staying with you out of love, not obligation or manipulation...I felt the same way about my mate. But I wanted that choice to be made knowing exactly what my boundaries were. And I would not accept love without respect. When my SO chose to pursue continued contact (albiet semi-concealed) and I accepted that it was ok as long as I didn't LB and still tried to meet his EN's, I sent a big message to myself...that was what I was willing to live with. That did more to damage my self esteem then the A...because it was a choice I made, rather than one I was faced with (the A). And it killed off more units in my Love Bank...my self love bank.<p>We've all heard the old addage "Once a cheater always a cheater". But, what if the message we send is "you can continue to be disrespectful of me and it's ok because I love you"? Because that is the message we ultimately send when we continue to look away in hopes of winning the big prize.<p>I bet you think the message here is go to plan B. It's not really. I know the Harley's say to do that when you have no other way to preserve your love for H. But what about Plan B when it's the only way to preserve your self-esteem? Your love of self...and that is the message that is somewhere here in between the lines. You had mentioned self esteem issues and this is my round about way of getting to the point...how's your self love bank? What is happening with your self esteem through all of this?<p>That is what sent me to Plan B...not losing love for him, I lost too much self respect for myself, especially after realizing my faults, making changes I needed, and accepting that I would rather be alone than be with someone who said they cared while their actions spoke differently.<p>We've been in recovery for about seven months now, with the last month or two being truly the most wonderful time in my life..and it's not just because of love..but also because of respect.<p>SilverRose, I rarely get over here, am usually on the Recovery Board, but one of my buddies wanted me to check out another thread. For some reason, yours caught my eye and my heart...call it fate, call it intuition, or maybe it's just that it's a little deja vu...I was right where you are waiting for the decision to be made...when I asked myself "why does he get to choose?"<p>Reading through your previous posts, I see a woman who is strong, loving, and very capable. Do you see her too? I took me a while to see that reflection in my mirror...keep looking.
T

Mikkey, MelodyLane, needing, and hurtbyhubby -- I am so glad that I can laugh about OW showing up to fetch my WH. There is so much to cry about and at least I can laugh about this. But it did make me start to seriously consider getting a prescription for meds from my doctor, cuz in general I am sucking up too much and it's starting to affect me. This is dragging on too long; I was doing so well at the beginning, but some days I feel like I could fall apart any day. Last night we had such a great evening that I forgot we were in the middle of this turmoil, but then I woke up this morning totally depressed about it as reality set in again.<p>Twyla -- thank you for your thought-provoking reply. <p>You asked why does he get to choose? He's really not the only one who gets to choose. Each of us has a choice to make. I did choose that I want to save the M and that I was going to work hard at it. I could have chosen to give up on the M at D-day and just walk away too (as WH was planning to do -- he had D papers served and moved in with OW that day). <p>Isn't this was many of the BS's here are doing? Waiting for their WS to make a decision and get off the fence? Maybe in my case it is worse? WH is in control of the situation, calling all the shots, got me towing the line for fear he will leave. I never got a no contact agreement from him. Maybe I made a mistake at the beginning letting him move home without that stipulation, but he moved back on the basis of trying to see if the M could be reconciled. There was no committment to it. If I had gotten those promises from him, would he have honored them? Probably not, the contact would just be better concealed instead of right in front of my face.<p>The points you make about me not setting some boundaries and that affecting my self-esteem are really valid. That effectively I have chosen to live this way. Intellectually I understand these things, and think these things, but when it comes to actually taking some action and standing up for myself, I am basically a wimp. Right now I'm thinking I'll give him a few more weeks, until after the holidays, and then take a stand at the first of the year. Will I really do something then? Or will I just say maybe a few weeks more. That could turn into a life sentence of this, if I don't take a stand at some point.