A question for wayward spouses .. <p>How do you make the decision to recommit to the marriage?<p>How do you **KNOW** that the OP isn't a better choice? Or am I looking at this all wrong.. is there no better choice ?<p>
I'm still in withdrawl, and having trouble at times wondering why I'm putting myself through this pain. I have no kids. I've been married barely 4 months, and both I and my H are young enough to start over. My EA is over, and I'm having no contact with the OM. But it's hard to stay motivated. <p>Any advice is welcome.

could you give more info, married 4 months is practically still dating, what in the world happened? I know people do get married and wake up the next day realizing it was a huge mistake. Ya gotta wonder why, but there is something in human relationships called fog, and I guess you can get married in a fog, and then wake up to the truth. I have heard of people even getting drunk and wild on a weekend and getting married. But if you don't want to be married, now is the time to figure that out, not years and kids down the road.

disenchanted,<p> First off. I would like to welcome you to Marriage Builders. I would invite you to read all that you can on this site. I don't have the answers for you but I am sure that there are people in this forum that are in situations close to yours. I would also like to invite you post here as often as possible. You will find that the people on this site are wise and caring people. <p>Indy

sorry double post.<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

You know, I don't want to give cynical and harsh advice, but if I were you, I would just end the marriage. Don't pick up with OM again, either. Just spend some time in counseling trying to figure out why you fell for somebody else while just barely married yourself. The incredible pain of infidelity when children are involved makes me think it wouldn't be worth the risk to continue an already damaged marriage as young as yours. Your situation sounds like you are just asking for worse problems down the road.<p>This is not MB advice, so feel free to ignore and/or blast me. If I were dating someone who was unfaithful I would drop them like a hot potato, no matter how long we'd been together. My husband and I are currently in a happy recovery with all signs looking good, but if we didn't have children I'd be looking forward to my divorce soon.<p>I'm sorry for your confusion and pain, disenchanted.<p>Rose Red

Disenchanted,<p>I am also the WS -- married 1 year/no children. I need to disagree with Rose Red. I don't think you should give up just because you do not have a long history of being married. Yes, it may be tougher because no kids are there to keep you together, but that is no reason to quit. Every R is different and since I do not know much about your circumstances, I can not truly offer much valuable advice. Can you share more with us?<p>Regardless, I would recommend taking some time and understanding what led you to engage in the A? Will it happen again? Are you familiar with HNHN and SAA? I suspect our stories are similar...<p>Good luck.

Disenchanted,<p>I am the BS-- married a little over 1 year/no children. I am fighting to save my Marriage. I am fighting because I think my H is worth fighting for! Maybe my opinion of him will change with time, but for now, this is how I feel.<p>But, like others have said to you, it depends alot on your circumstances. I had five GREAT years with my H before marriage. The person he has become is not the person he was then. But because of our past, I can't just give up. He was a wonderful boyfriend/fiancee and very supportive. He was never unfaithful.<p>What is your past like with your H? If you were in a long, committed relationship, then I think you should take a hard look at yourself. You may D your H, only to regret it later because you will discover that the problem is within yourself. I agree with sorrowful- take the time to evaluate what led to the A. <p>It is my opinion that you can take this horrific experience and turn it completely around- learn from it. Figure out what it is that went wrong. Figure out what EN's weren't being met. Having this happen so early in your relationship can be a blessing in disguise- if you let it be. <p>I can now see where things went awry in my relationship. So, given another chance, I would make a big effort at meeting my H's emotional needs. Don't get me wrong- I do NOT excuse what he did. He was WRONG for crossing the line. I will always be fearful that he will do it again. My H should have come to me when he wasn't happy. But, he took the easier way out. He is suffering now because of it. He is embarrassed, sad, depressed, etc... He won't/can't face me. <p>My advice to you disenchanted is to see an IC and to figure out what the root of the problem is. <p>Best of luck!

Thanks people, for the advice. <p>Some of you asked for a bit more information.
Well, my H and I have been together almost 7 years, though we just M 4 months ago. <p>We've just now learned of EN, and we're working with a MC to see if we can get our EN figured out. I guess right now I feel very positive about the possibilities, and encouraged by all the posts of people trying so hard to fight for their marriage. It must be an important thing. <p>I met the OM about 2 months before my wedding, and we had the intentions of being only friends. By the time I was getting sucked into the EA it was too late to stop the wedding, plus I was too confused to know what to do. After the wedding, the OM and I became really good friends, and it turns out we have a lot of common interests; more than I have with my H, actually. Being good friends lead to us starting to fall in love (which I guess started before I was married) Neither of us were comfortable with the idea of an A, so we never got physical, tempting though it was. It was definately an EA though.. i don't deny that. <p>I guess the OM has moved on, and most of the time I have too. On bad days though, I wonder if I'm just wasting my time, and throwing away a potentially great relationship with the OM. <p>Guess either way I'm losing a potentially great relationship. My H says there is no "one" mate for a person, and that almost any person will do, as long as you're both willing to work at the relationship and fill e/o's EN. <p>I guess I'm more romantic, and I want to believe that there is a right and a wrong mate.
This is a withdrawl symptom, am i right?<p>People tell me all the time to "listen to my heart". I'm dumbfounded as to what it's saying, I'm always changing my mind; seems like every thought I have can be rationalized or construed based on something else. I don't know what's real or true. <p>This sounds like FOG, right? When does it end?<p>Do you think I'll always have the feeling that life with the OM could've been good, and that maybe I'm missing something?
I don't want to feel like I'm SETTLING for my H. I know he doesn't want that either.<p>I guess that's enough info. Thanks for asking, and thanks for the previous and future advice.<p>disenchanted

Hi Disenchanted, <p>I am glad you came here and posted. It takes a lot of courage and strength to continue to post here but with the right attitude, it will be worth the effort. <p>As for the advice to follow your heart, well right now that may not be good advice since you sound torn in the heart. My H was told that by his OW. I had told my H to 'guard his heart for out of it are the sources of life'. That is a quote from the Bible. He commented how the OW was actually giving him bad advice since she was telling him many things like listen to your heart, do what you want, your W and child will get over it, H will get over it, WS had the OW what else did he need, etc. <p>So pay attention to who is giving you advice and what they are saying. You don't know us from Adam, so you need to be careful here also. The point is, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. You are in a very emotional & highly stressful situation. <p>Get counseling if you can, read up on the info here and post as much as you need. You will find that your situation is not isolated. There is much to learn here from the young and the old.<p>Take Care,
L.

Disenchanted,<p>Take things slow!!!! No need to make a lifetime decision in one day. Give your M a chance- since you have only invested 4 months, what is another 8 months(or whatever time frame you alot). If you are still not happy within this time frame, then make a decision. Please, don't make any hasty decisions at this time. You ARE in the fog! <p> You mentioned that you were trying to figure out each other's EN's- that is a great first step. Have you read 'His Needs, Her Needs'. I haven't yet, but I plan on it very soon. Many people on this website recommend it.<p>We are here for you. Keep us posted. <p>AS