Please help. I just received a phone call from the OM I had my EA with. He is a co-worker, but works in a different division of the same company (we really have no reason to be in contact with each other). Since D-day (2 months ago), I have not contacted him. He occasionally calls to check on me and tell me that it would be great to see me. I have told him that it would not be a good idea to get together and that I am trying to work on restoring my marriage. He tells me time and time again that if my H does not want me, that he absolutely does. I have made it clear that we each made vows to our spouses and that we need to being honoring them and what we shared during the A was a complete mistake and that I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. I told him that I have caused enough pain to my H (and his W and children indirectly since they don't know about the A). I have encouraged him to tell his W and he refuses to.<p>I just want to stop hurting everyone! I am trying to walk the right path and get my H to re-commit. I have been in Plan A for the past month.

In the OM's mind, he justifies the EA and tells me that he wants me in his life even if it's just as friends. He does not see a need to change. He thinks that if he is not flaunting it in his W's face that it is ok. That statement makes me so sick!!<p>What do I do? I do not want to disrespect my H. I have caused my H enough unbearble pain and heartbreak by engaging in the EA. I truly want to restore my marriage and commit solely to him for the rest of our lives. How do I tell the OM that I am uncomfortable with his calls and the things he says to me when he knows that I am trying to survive the A and make my M work. I don't even feel comfortable having him as a friend. I think that would be totally disrespectful to my H.<p>Please help. I just don't want the OM to go crazy when I tell him flat out to stop contacting me. Any suggestions on how to manage this? I have discussed this w/our MC and she told me not to say anything at this time because my H has not agreed to fully re-commit to our M yet and that it's not like I am actually agreeing to meet the OM somewhere (this was when my H and I were seeing the same MC, but seperately -- now we go together). This makes no sense to me!!! Am I crazy? I thought the C would advise me to be honest w/my H. RADICAL HONESTY!? I feel I should tell him and spare him the anxiety and fear of whether or not I am contacting the OM.<p>Thank you for all of your advice.....

I think your statement of how OM REFUSES TO TELL HIS W ANYTHING sums it all right there. If the chips were to fall and his wife found out, he would deny that you even existed. He is out for SELF and SELF ONLY and by continuing to disrespect your wishes to not have contact so that you can work on your marriage shows the true character of this OM. If it was only to be his friend, then he would have no problem in telling his wife. Tell him to leave you alone and go and be a real friend to his WIFE either that or look up the word FRIEND in the dictionary it's after BULL and before SH&T.<p>[ November 28, 2001: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</p>

First of all, I don't think you were having an "EA", because otherwise you would already just be friends. You wouldn't be saying "I don't think we can EVEN be friends"<p>Secondly, if you really wanted to get rid of the guy, you would just hang up when he called. <p>You are you're own problem

Are you committed to recovering your M? If you are, then you need to write a "no contact" letter to the OM. Don't wait for your H to re-commit to the M. Either you want to work on your M, or you want "whoever" wants you. Do you follow me? Don't keep OM waiting out there "just in case" it doesn't work with your H. As far as you MC telling you to keep this from your H, I'd say GET A NEW MC. Just my opinion of course, but either you want OM or your H and your M. You cannot be healthy and have both.<p>MOM

Are you in recovery?<p>Is there a POJA in place?<p>Have you and your husband sat down and written the OM a letter telling him that you are going to work on your marriage and for him not to contact you?<p>Have you contacted you supervisor and let them know that your being harrassed?<p>(you should probably let at least someone (that won't fire you) know in your company that this EA was present at some point in time and now its over and know this person is harrassing you. When they find out through him that the EA was in place... he might make you out in a bad light.)<p>If all that fails get a restraining order.<p>If that fails, ask to be transfered.<p>If that fails, get an emergency order of protection.<p>...
Something for you off the cuff to think about may all be wrong.. but others [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] will correct me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

You won't like what I have to say, but believe me I know what I'm talking about:<p>FIND ANOTHER JOB<p>As long as you both work there, he knows where you are and can contact you - NO CONTACT letter or not. <p>Although yes, write the NO CONTACT letter and take a copy to the MC with you to prove your intent to stop, and OM keeps bugging you, tell him you will go to his wife, management or file a restraining order. Heck, I might even go to his wife anyway.<p>I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have sooooo been there. I had an affair with a co-worker (one hop in the sack) and he would NOT leave me alone until I left.<p>Best wishes...

MOM!!!!! I thought you fell of the edge of the earth, glad to see you're still around.<p>Now, Sorrowful, one option for you is obviously, create a No Contact letter as MOM has suggested, if that doesn't work, maybe tell OM that he needs to leave you alone or else you'll come clean to his W. Also, I think I agree with you (in disagreeing with MC). I think you should tell your H that the OM is calling you and that you're trying to get him to stop....that way, if you happen to PO the OM, he won't be able to use your keeping the contact a secret against you with your H.<p>Make sense?
Kev

Sorrowful,<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Please help. I just don't want the OM to go crazy when I tell him flat out to stop contacting me. <hr></blockquote><p>Why not? Are you planning on going to the OM and breaking up his family if H won't commit?? <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Any suggestions on how to manage this? I have discussed this w/our MC and she told me not to say anything at this time because my H has not agreed to fully re-commit to our M yet and that it's not like I am actually agreeing to meet the OM somewhere (this was when my H and I were seeing the same MC, but seperately -- now we go together). This makes no sense to me!!! <hr></blockquote><p>No you are not crazy. WHat your MC is suggesting is that you play both ends against the middle. However, as I asked you before and I suspect you feel, the other end is breaking up OM's marriage as well. I somehow doubt that is what you want to do. So it comes down to honesty and working on your M, or losing all of it. The OM is not really an option unless you are far more cold hearted than I think you are.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Am I crazy? I thought the C would advise me to be honest w/my H. RADICAL HONESTY!? I feel I should tell him and spare him the anxiety and fear of whether or not I am contacting the OM.
<hr></blockquote><p>My advice is to do the following things.<p>1. Tell your H that OM contacted you. Tell your H what he said. Tell your H how you feel about your M and OM<p>2. Send a no contact letter to OM after your H has read it, and yes perhaps signed it as well. This will let OM know that your H knows.<p>3. Frankly, if he continues to disregard your wishes, I would tell OM's W about this. She should know,but if he won't leave you alone tell him that his W will hear from you, if you hear from him again.<p>I would talk with your H about all of these steps and see if he agrees. Then have him join you in the writing of the letter. Sorrowful, make this a joint effort on the part of you and your H. Also talk to your H about how you feel, yes even the A.<p>The more you talk to him and bring it up, the more he will realize that you are not just playing around with him. It would seem that one of the mostly commonly cited things an WS can do for the BS, is to initate conversations about the affair instead of the BS doing it.<p>Just some ideas to think about.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I would suggest a couple of things:
First, find yourself another counselor. She wants you to continue to play games and not be totally honest with your husband.
Second, you are playing a game also. Why not just hang up on the guy?
Third, get a new job.
Fourth, if the roles were reversed you would be asking your husband why he did not just hang up on the other woman.
Fifth, I would suggest that you get into immediate therapy as to see how you totally lost your
moral compass. It is unbelievable that you would be having a sexual affair during your engagement to your husband and then continue it right into and after the marriage. If I were your husband I would have run away from you as quickly as possible. How and why would he ever trust you.
He had to even find out himself and not from you. You have no idea the pain he is in. Imagine if he had done that to you.<p>I would strongly suggest that if he desires to leave you then let him go and have him find someone who can respect him and the concept of a marriage.
How do you expect him to celebrate his 1 year anniversary knowing you cheated on him while you were engaged and while you were married. He would have to be almost a saint to accept this. It seems so cruel that you would marry him while you are having sex with another man. What were you thinking when you said your marriage vows?<p>I am sorry for being so negative but the fact that you could not even hang up on this OM immediately and still not tell you husband tells me you are still somewhat in a fog. If the roles were reverse, what would you want your husband to do to make you trust him? Would you not want him to tell you that the OW called him? Why did you even bother to get married unless you just wanted to use him for financial reasons. I am sure this is what your husband must be thinking. What would you be thinking if the roles were reversed?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sorrowful:
<strong><p>What do I do? I do not want to disrespect my H. I have caused my H enough unbearble pain and heartbreak by engaging in the EA. I truly want to restore my marriage and commit solely to him for the rest of our lives. How do I tell the OM that I am uncomfortable with his calls and the things he says to me when he knows that I am trying to survive the A and make my M work. I don't even feel comfortable having him as a friend. I think that would be totally disrespectful to my H.<p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
The way you end it is to tell him EXACTLY what you said above - and be FIRM about it. If he goes nuts, he goes nuts. He has to know the TRUTH and you have a repsonsiblity to tell him the truth instead of stringing him along because you don't want to suffer any momentary discomfort. That is cruel to you, him and your family to drag this on. <p>You need to make a CLEAN BREAK of this now or you will continue to hear from him over and over again and the agony and discomfort will never end. Noone ever said it was supposed to be EASY to end a relationship but it is MUCH HARDER the way you are handling this becuase it NEVER ENDS. <p>And no, you can't be friends - you know better than that. If he really wants to be just your "friend" tell him that you can bring in his wife and your husband into this "friendship" and see what he says. My point is that if it was truly an innocent "friendship" then that shouldn't be a problem. Either way, you don't have to justify yourself to him - just end it. DON'T LOSE or jeopardize ANYTHING MORE for this man. End it now and cut your losses.<p>P.S. Most BS' can SENSE when contact continues because the WS' acts guilty - I doubt that will help your H make up his mind about the marriage.

P.P.S.S. And what planet did your MC come from? Now I have heard everything....You are supposed to string a married man with a wife and kids along "just in case" your marriage doesn't work out and you might want him after you dump your H? Good grief.....<p>I give you credit, though. You, at least, knew there was something wrong with that pernicious, nasty, mean advice. In fact, I give you ALOT of credit because it's apparent that your heart is in the right place and you are committed to doing the right thing.<p>[ November 28, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

Thank you so much, everyone! You have given me alot of great advice here. I have decided to write the OM a no contact letter and have my H be aware of it (or join me if he would like to). The reason I have not said anything to my H about the calls is not because I am trying to hide anything from him but rather, because my H told me that HE will initiate the discussions if he wants/ready to talk about the A. He does not want me to bring it up since he is in so much pain. I thought bringing it up would come across as a LB.<p>But, your advice is fantastic. I will ask the OM to end any/all contact with me because I want to work on my M and stop causing pain to my H. If he goes nuts, oh well! I suspect he will not because since he will be risking having his W find out from either me or my H (and he is trying so hard to avoid that).<p>Thank you as always!! You have always given me the right advice and direction (even though it may come across as harsh sometime). I need that forcefulness sometimes. Thank you!

Sorrowful,<p>Sounds like you've made a great decision on how to handle the situation. A couple things you might want to consider in the process are;<p>Since your husband asked not to talk about it. Approach him from the standpoint on "I know you asked to not talk about this, but I need your help now".<p>In your letter try to include the consequences for the OM not respecting your wishes. Both telling his W and the legal work related aspects. You've already told him on several occasions that his advances are not welcome but still he continues (use those words and dates if possible). Any further contact/advances is certainly grounds for a the initiation sexual harassment investigation. Send the letter certified to his office. If the guy has half a brain at all, the prospect of loosing his family and career should keep him far, far away. <p>I can only wish that my WS Wife could/would handle her workplace EMA as well as you have/are.<p>Lastly&#8230;.
What about your MC. Any opinion yet? If not, you might want to ask them why they would recommend the idea of not telling the OM to take a flying leap? I'd be interested in how any MC could justify dispensing such advice.<p>Good Luck,
HI

I left the OM a message asking him to call me back. I want to relay the message verbally and then in writing if he objects over the phone. As for the MC, I sensed something was wrong as soon as she told me not to say anything to my H. After that, I asked my H if he was comfortable with that particular MC or if we should find another one and he told me that he did not want to start over with a new MC and that we should remain with this one. I am thinking or calling her and having a seperate discussion about this with her. I am not sure if this will accomplish anything. I would love to arrange a session with either Steve or Jennifer, but I think I need to get my H acquainted with Harley's methodology first, so that we can reap the most benefit from a session with one of them. Any thoughts?

Buy two copies of the book Surviving an Affair by the Harley's and hand one to your marriage counselor and tell her that this is the grounds that you want to follow in rebuilding your marriage. Of course, you might want to discuss this with your H first. He doesn't have to read the book, until he's ready, if ever, but be gentle on him about it. <p>I proud of you that you came here seeking help and that you are trying to do the correct thing. If your marriage doesn't work, at least if you follow the principals of MB, then you won't hate each other when you finally do seperate ON COMMON ground. I think that this is what anyone of us BS wants. A peaceful resolution and an honest attempt.

Sorrowful,<p> Phone contact is a very bad idea. Too emotional.. Too Personal.. You can not control the communication & your husband will not have 1st hand knowledge of the nature of the communication. A letter is so much more straightforward and does not give the OM an opportunity to say anything at all.

Sorrowful,<p>I wholeheartedly agree with HiInfidelity. Letter is the only way to go. Second, talking to your H about his contact is not talking about the A. You are talking about your marriage and your future and yes the consequences of the A.<p>You are not helping your H by not talking to him about this. You are still married to each other and you two need to act as a team.<p>God Bless,<p>JL