Hi --
I have a few questions. D-day was 3 1/3 weeks ago, and boy what a roller coaster I have been on.
My H has been staying at a motel for several nights of the last week. He is coming home tonight and will be home in the morning until afternoon when he goes to work. How should I act towards him? Should I tell him I miss him, I was lonely, I love him, etc. ? Or, should I just try to act calm, confident, and not letting him know how truly hurt that I was today? I don't want to run him off or make it uncomfortable for him to be here.<p>Also, we have 3 children. He has always been willing to help out with watching them in the morninings if I need to run errands, appointments, etc. Now, I never know if he will be here or not. So, should I ask him to watch the kids just like I would have done before, or should I make other arrangements for the kids. I don't want to smother him, but I don't want him to feel like I don't need him either.<p>Thanks for any advice. I don't think I could have made it for the last 3 weeks without the encouragement that I read here.

What's the status of your M and the A? Has H committed to your M, is the A still going on? Be sure to read about Plan A (follow the links below). Try to figure out HIS EN, and try to begin meeting them. Try to figure out your role in the marital problems and see if they're things that you want to change for YOU.<p>
I know this is a little thin, but I don't feel very motivational tonight, sorry.<p>Good luck, I'll be following your story.
Kev

Very, very tough one. I made other arrangements because I couldn't depend on my H, and he took it to mean I didn't need him, good observation on your part (it never occurred to me).<p>I think the best thing you can do there is to arrange a "possible' sitter. Tomorrow, when your H is there, simply tell him that you were planning on running some errands. You talked to X and they said they could watch the kids, but if H would rather, then that was fine too.<p>As for how to react. Simply don't talk about any negative stuff. You don't have to put on an act, just don't bring up anything that may lead to an argument. Or if one does start, just simply say "it wasn't my intention to start a fight. Sorry, let's talk about this some other time and just have a nice day today, k?"<p>Go by instinct. If you feel like hugging him. Get close and see what he does, if he doesn't look uncomfortable - go for it. If he acts all weird and obviously isn't okay with it, then back off for now.<p>Keep yourself busy and don't try to bug him too much. Make plans and stick to them so you won't have any "awkward" moments between the two of you. Just let him feel comfortable as much as possible and try not to LB.<p>Good luck. This is just the beginning. Get crackin' on plan A and figuring out what you can do to better yourself while your H deals with his own inner turmoil.<p>Hbh

HBH brings to mind a good point. Try to make H feel safe in the house if you can. This includes no arguments, no LB, light conversation, etc... This is a mistake that I know I've made, for the first several weeks after D-Day, the A is pretty much ALL we talked about, and now WS is physically uncomfortable to even come into our home.<p>Safety is key.
Kev

Thanks for the ideas. H just said the other day that he feels like a stranger in his own home. I really want for him to feel comfortable here. <p>As far as the status of our marriage, I really don't know. On Monday, he said that he was coming home, the A was over, and that he wanted to work things out. Then, when he got home, he said that she had called him several times asking him to not go home and now he wasn't so sure of his decision. He left for work on Tues., and I haven't talked to him since except when he called to say he was coming home tonight. So, I have no idea if he is still seeing her/talking to her, etc. That is what I assume is happening. She seems pretty persistent and he doesn't really want to give her up, only knows he should for the kids sake.<p>I guess that I will try to be pleasant tonight and in the morning and we'll go from there. <p>One day at a time!!!!!!

Dear Sadathome,<p>A WS who lives outside is a stranger. He is on the outside of his family looking in. If the OW can make him change his mind based on a few phone calls them he needs to stay in the place where he can make up his mind. Does he know where that place is? <p>Sounds like you are dealing with a manipulative OW. Be careful. Your H needs to be careful also but he probably won't appreciate that thought coming from you. <p>For now, he is still married to you and is the father of your children. So his parental responsbilities are still his along with his family obligations. I don't see a problem with him watching the kids for you. Don't enable him by making it easier to be away. <p>He is uncomfortable being home, then he needs to be home more!!!! That's my take. The longer he is with the OW the more of a stranger he will become. You think the OW wants him to be comfortable at home? Nope, nope, nope!!!<p>Just my 2 cents!
L.