Many of us here are in the same situation regarding the proximity of our spouses to the OP. It seems a large percentage of our WSs have commenced the A with a coworker. <p>My story: W had EA with coworker 3 months ago after which she announced she no longer in love with me. Denied existence of another person but I quickly found evidence to the contrary. Now admits mostly everything (???) including that she was thinking of PA with OP. W is still "confused" about us but we are seeing MC and she says she starting to feel better about our M. Just for the record, I admit I did not meet my W's ENs (and she was not meeting mine) and this left her vulnerable to A.<p>She and OP reportedly agreed not to discuss their problems with each other concerning their respective marriages or any other issues. The problem is, of course, they work together and see each other every day. They do not work on projects together but my W tells me (only when I ask) that they do have quick little chit-chats in the hallway occasionally.<p>My question: Many of you have been through the same scenario, if your S is/was attracted to OP, is it reasonably possible that they can continue working together AND commit energies to M? My W still separates her EA with OP from our M issues and does not really see how they are connected (i.e., that if she is having her ENs met outside our M, that it not possible for us to recover).<p>She has mentioned possibility of getting another job, but I don't really want to push this if EA is over and I have no reasonable fear of continuing A. I guess I just don't know what is REASONABLE in this situation. My concern is that as we progress, she will compare my efforts and me with this fantasy relationship she has (had), and if she still working with OP, it will be much more difficult for her to truly commit to our M.
I would specifically like to hear from other BS in this situation who are now in recovery. Could your WS continue working with OP or did it ultimately require one or the other finding new employment? Thanks.

RJB2,<p> The general consensus by most MC theories says no they can't. I'm sure there are some exceptions but they seem to be few and far between. All that I can say for sure is my WS wife did not quit and after 1.5 years post affair she still is sitting on the fence as to committing to our marriage. The standard "still confused, still not quite sure, I'll need some time to think about it" responses.<p>
HI

I can only answer for myself, but there is absolutely no way our marriage could have survived if my H and OW worked together. They met at work but she got fired a month or so before the A started. Once the A was over it was bad enough those first few months thinking "Is he calling her while he is at work? Is she calling him?" If I had known that there was even a possibility of them passing in the halls it would have driven me completely insane. I am a firm believer that no contact at all of any sort is the best foundation to rebuild on. She needed to be 100% out of our lives.

RJB2,<p>If your wife is considering a new job I would definetly encourage it!!! Don't "force" her into it, but if she is willing I would take advantage of it. Even if her EA is over there is always a chance of it re-starting. I believe as long as the WS is still working with the OP then he/she will never fully open up to their spouse. Of course even if she gets a new job you still have to fix problems in your marriage to avoid any future A's! But I cannot tell you what it would mean to me to know that my H is no longer working with the OW. I pray for it DAILY!<p>Good Luck, Heck

RJB2,<p>Your situation sounds SOOO familiar to me. Mine is probably worse, however, in that WW and OM work very closely together (proximity and job content). WW admitted at one point that she probably would need to quit her job to commit to us, but also, especially recently, goes on and on about how her job is SOOO great and important and allowing her to make such progress, etc., etc.<p>This situation in turn has led us to reach a point of what I'd call "zero progress". She's fence-sitting to the highest degree. MC is ineffective right now. She has been "getting worse" from what I can see. For me, I've started accepting that I will have to go to Plan B at some point. Letting go has been hard but necessary.<p>I think as was mentioned, definitely encourage your W to think about all options, such as another job. If you can get her out of that environment, you've got a really, really good chance for recovery I think. If you don't, recovery may still be possible - but I don't think it'd be easy by a long shot - you might have several "false starts", etc.

Hi there,<p> There is NO way that my H could have continued to work with OW....in fact we moved 7hrs. upon my insistence . We would almost certainly be Divorced if we hadn't moved. After Dday he swore he was back with the family but ended up seeing the OW through 2 more discoveries.....I was at my wit's end.<p>Dday was 3 years ago and although it was rough moving we are doing well. LU

RJB2,
I don't really know the answer to your question, but one of the factors that my wife quitted her job almost a year ago was because of the OM (they used to work together). However, my wife has not completely returned to work on my marriage yet. When it comes to my wife, it is a "special" case anyway. She did said to me once that it did clear her mind from the OM right after she quitted her job.

Thanks for feedback everyone! I've spent some time on the "Notable Posts" board and, not surprisingly, this topic has come up many times. While there were some exceptions, the overwhelming concensus, again not surprisingly, was that the WS must have NO contact of any nature with OP if full M recovery is to be had.<p>What struck me is that the WS would usually stay in the "confused" or "fence-sitting" stage while there was any contact with OP. Even if the WS stated they were now committed to M, as long as some contact with the OP continued, they remained in some form of the oft-quoted "foggy" state. They would be partially committed because they knew it was the right course, but just wouldn't have their hearts in the recovery process. This was so even if they sent the no-contact letter. The major exception, where working with OP continued but M recovery successful, was when the WS truly had no more feelings for OP, often because OP turned out to be unstable, liar, etc.<p>The reports from other posters was that once the WS found a new job (or otherwise truly stopped all contact with OP), soon afterwards they joined in the M recovery process much more enthusiatically. This makes sense since continued contact, even if only very casual or visual, will be a constant reminder to WS that OP is in the same building (and easily available to talk to), and WS will have great difficulty completing the withdrawal process.
How to get WS to understand this? Kind of a Catch-22 situation. If she stays at job with OP, nearly impossible to enter full M recovery, if I demand she quit, big LB and makes her further withdraw from me. I know I'd prefer a quick fix and it just isn't there.

My H met OW at work too.
We divorced
they lived together
then she quit
There was 3 continued contacts over the last year and they have not worked together in 4 years.
Quitting the job does not guarantee no contact. <p>But it is a way to help rebuild trust. It seems if she quit that would be a huge deposit in your love bank. That is an extreme way of showing you that she is committed to your marriage and willing to go to great lengths to prove it.

My H isn't in daily work contact with former OW, but has become her supervisor since the A. We went through 3-4 restarts of the A. My H very much a fence sitter, waffler for 2+ years. PA ended, contact continued, we had 2 more separations AFTER the PA ended 10/99, last personal (nonwork) contact known to me 2/00....<p>Recovery now 18 months. If the WS is willing or able to change jobs, that would be the best. If not, honesty, accountability, self-control and real committment of the former WS can accomplish a lot. But I believe knowing he sees her, and the fact I'll see her at 2 Xmas parties next week really isn't a plus to our marital recovery.<p>The OW married yet another co-worker (and my H's former housemate during our separations) this fall. That also helps limit the contact. But I know her first marriage broke up because of her infidelity, she sure helped wound my marriage, so I don't think wedding vows make a whole lot of difference to her if she wants some guy. Hopefully "some guy" will no longer be my H. She's also fickle [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] .

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by notheard:
<strong>
Quitting the job does not guarantee no contact.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>That is true. My H didn't start his affair until after the OW was fired from where they worked (they kept in secret contact because they were "friends" and "she needed someone to talk to". Eyerolls and gags.) So no, quitting the job doesnt' guarantee no contact. But staying at the job gives 100% chance of continued contact.

The easiest answer to this question is NO...NO...NO...NO. Not only is it probable that the WS and OP might re-spark their relationship but it is also completely inconsiderate to do such a thing to the BS. If you are in recovery then you should be following the POJA. And I personally would not be "enthusiastic" if my WS were in this situation but that is me. You may find it acceptable, but somehow I doubt it.<p>My 2 cents.<p>WW4L<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>

Here's my conclusion: It's not OK for W to continue working with OP after A for many different reasons, not the least of which it is an affront to the BS. The other conclusion: I can't really do anything about it unless my W decides to fully commit her efforts to our M. I am not at all comfortable with this and it makes me feel very insecure, but what else can I do?

Only thing you can do is let her know how it makes you feel. After that not much.