I was always afraid of this moment. I was afraid I would be alone. I was afraid a part of me would always be dead. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love her any more. I was wrong. I still love her and it is OK. I have a good friend. I said my first prayer since the morning after DDay. I asked God to watch over me, W, and kids - that's all I could think of. I cried a little but not anything close to what I thought I would. I don't feel alone just sad. <p>who

Sorry for your pain...<p>check my most recent post and you will see you aren't alone...<p>Keep your chin up<p>E

I am so sorry to hear this. You have helped me through some of the darkest days of my life. I wish things could have worked out better for you, but maybe this is best<p>Anyway you could give me an update about what happened? Is this part of Plan B or are you thru with the M altogether? Was is a mutual agreement? I don't want to pry, just want to make sure that you are ok with this decision.<p>Take care of yourself. I appreciate all the advice and support that you have given me. I know I couldn't have made it as far as I have without you. Remember you are not alone, we will always be here for you.

Elad,<p>Looked at your post and the replies. Lots of us that can relate. Keep your head up. You will make it thru this.<p>lhs,<p>Knew you would be quick to reply. Thanks.
As far as the story. I could write pages and pages about my perception on what is happening. I'll just give a little outline though.
I can't be entirely sure (damn that trust thing again) but PA has been over for at least 6 months. EA has been slowly dying with phone contact about once a month since. W is really having a hard time and I've been trying to take on more than I should in that department. I talked to C a few days ago and to her dad yesterday. That may seem strange to some but I have a great relationship with her father as does my W. He had an A when W was a teenager and has helped me understand much of what W is going through. Just so everyone knows my W feels absolutely no threat with me talking to her father.
It has become really clear to me that we have both become pretty emotionally unstable and need to at least get our individual lives back on track. I'm know all of you understand the emotions I am feeling. Elan's post describing his W's comments and feelings are really much of what my W shares with me. I do understand and appreciate that my W has given as much effort as she has been capable of right now. We BS's can rationalize and convince ourselves that we know the way to rebuild (at it's probably right) but that just doesn't work if both people don't embrace it. No right or wrong - it's just the way it is. My FIL pointed out the emotional damage we are unintentionally doing to each other right now. My biggest concern before that conversation was that letting go would just compound her problems.
Last night we talked pretty calmly about letting go emotionally and focusing on our kids and the buisnesses we are trying to get off the ground. For complex reasons divorce is out of the question for at least the next 8 months. W seemed to understand and agree last night as we discussed the problems I see that we could encounter as we try to put a plan in place. I asked her to think about the things she could and couldn't do and I shared what I could and couldn't do while this phase of our lives take place. She is supposed to get back to me after a few days to talk again to work out a plan. She is really having a hard time today though. <p>I might upset some and I don't really want to start a discussion but I don't believe in plan B. I think it is manipulative and I really don't want my W to love me because her life is easier just because I am around. I felt different when the A was exposed but a year later I feel that I really do love my W and if the way it is expressed needs to be changed or modified then so be it. It won't change my feelings for her. I can and will be a friend regardless of her actions. I know that she loves me also, just not the way I need to be loved and I am finally accepting that.<p>I guess I almost did write a novel. I know I don't post much anymore but I do read the board everyday and learn so much from the people here. It's kinda facinating to see so many different kinds of journeys going on. The one thing that I have learned is that although we all share much of the same emotions and stories we all are on our individual journeys and must make our own decisions and do things in our own time. Thanks to everybody here - you all are really wonderful people and should be proud of yourselves. I am going to try to change some of my habits but I know I will still be checking in from time to time.<p>
who

Hi Who,<p> I am so sorry for the misery you are going through....maybe the 8mos. without a D might work for everyone's benefit? <p>Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I saw that you posted on that "other" forum ....can you believe the thinking that goes on with some of those posters? How about the one who posted that her MM finally left his W and she was soooo happy and glad that they kept her presence secret from the W? Then everyone was cheering her on and seeing it as some kind of "victory"....ugh....just amazing to me....<p>Hang in there Who.......LU
[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: Lu ]<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: Lu ]</p>

Who,
You have really put a lot of thought into this decision and I know, as well as you, it is the right thing to do. I commend you for your insightfulness and ability to look at the situation in an unbiased light. I wish you, W and you children happiness and success in the future. <p>Stay in touch, you can use the email address in my profile if you want.<p>Take care, friend.<p>And by the way, I'm still holding you to that drink that me, you and Pops promised each other what seems such a long time ago.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lu:
<strong>Hi Who,<p> I am so sorry for the misery you are going through....maybe the 8mos. without a D might work for everyone's benefit? <p>Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I saw that you posted on that "other" forum ....can you believe the thinking that goes on with some of those posters? How about the one who posted that her MM finally left his W and she was soooo happy and glad that they kept her presence secret from the W? Then everyone was cheering her on and seeing it as some kind of "victory"....ugh....just amazing to me....<p>Hang in there Who.......LU
[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: Lu ]<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: Lu ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Lu,<p>Thanks for the reply. I honestly don't know what to think about the 8 months. I just know I'm not going to "work" on M. "One day at a time" is what my counselor has been telling me from the start - you really have no idea how hard that is for me but that's how I've been living and will continue to until the next fork in the road. I would be lying to you if I said I have no hope that we could find our way back later or even years from now. W and I have a pretty good friendship and I am happy about that. That is a lot more than most M's have let alone M's facing what we all are. <p>Yes, that "other site" is pretty interesting. I found that there is a lot of different type of people there. It's almost as when they (some not all) start the A, they are full of themselves and proud that it makes them powerful to be involved in a relationship like that. I also noticed that they kinda change once the WS fence sitting starts (they do it themselves also). That usually happens about the time the W starts figuring it out. I think most of the gloaters and cheerleaders will end up in pain sooner or later. I don't wish that on them but the odds are not in their favor. An A is pretty much a guarantee for all involved to be hurt.<p>
lhs,<p>e-mail coming shortly.<p>who