My wife has told me several times that she has fallen out of love with me. She tells me that the feelings aren't there any more for the relationship and it isn't changing. I am sure that her not being happy in general as well as having an affair didn't help things.
She said she has tried but the feeling aren't there for me. She says this hasn't changed in the past couple of weeks and that it isn't going to change in the next several weeks. She is only doing the seperation situation because she is telling her parents that she is trying when she tells me she isn't trying at all. That basically she is doing this so her parents think she tried in all of this.
I know I can't put that feeling back into her. That has to come from within herself. The counselor says that I need to show her that I have changed and that I am a better person/husband. I told the counselor I can't show my wife that because she doesn't want to see me, talk to me or email me. So hard to show someone you have changed when you don't have the oppurtunity.
The counselor told me that my wife thinks at this poing she knows what she wants. That she wants a divorce. The counselor has tried to get her to take more time in making her decision on this. That she has to be able to look back from two years from now and say she did the right thing.
This entire situation has been out of my hands for some time now. I have done everything to show her that I want to work on a future for us. I moved out, I don't talk to her, I gave her the space she wanted. What else can I do??
What are the odds of her getting that feeling back for me in the next few weeks? She tells me it took a few months to fall out of love with me. Is it going to take months for her to fall back in love with me? Heck she might never ever fall back in love with me. The hard part for me is that I haven't told anyone about the affair because I want this to work out. So I am not in anyway able to talk to people about this. So what does anyone suggest? Do I say at this point it doesn't look good? Do I keep telling myself something might change? It has been this way now for about five weeks. Wow life is so unfair....

Confused guy:<p>I think you need to unburden your feelings about A with a trusted friend. I am learning it is important to build a support system especially while the WS is confused and says does not want to work on M. I had a bad session with my W last night (lots of LBing) mostly about OP. My W feels same way about me as your W does you. Difference is at this point, she seems to recognize she may be able to regain feelings but it will take some time. My concern is she still works with OP and even though she said she won't talk to him anymore, I think it will be difficult for her to withdraw from this situation in order to focus on our M.<p>Sorry, I don't recall your story. Is your WS still involved in A (or still sees OP)?? If so, she will not have withdrawn from this relationship and won't really be available to you now. Is she insistent on filing for divorce or will she agree to give it some time? Sorry to hear your pain, I know how you feel.

WEll your situation and mine sound like the same. The person she was involved with was someone from her work. She has told me she has stopped all contact with them, but she still works with him. She does still see him at work. How can you still see someone and not think or have feelings?? Well my only saving grace is that this guy is suppose to leave the company sometimes in mid December. Maybe once he is truly out of the picture will maybe she think with a clearer head. The sad part is all this will take more and more time. Even worse is that my wife doesn't admit that this guy had anything to do with her feelings now. I mean she was calling this guy at 6 a.m. in the morning. Going to lunch with him. Calling him on her way home from work. Calling him when I was in the shower at home. Sometimes she was giving a ride to the guy to and from work. So I don't think anyone can say this guy didn't have anything at all to do with her feelings...Ughhhhhh......
Sad of all is my wife says the feeling is gone and that it isn't coming back. That is the worse part for me.....

You should read the post by kevco entitled somthing like WS needs reponse please respond - it's still on the first or second page. It's a post by his wife and with responses by other WS's who have been in your WS's position. Right now, your WS really believes they don't feel love for you - it's because of the A. Read the MB prinicples on this site again. The WS cannot begin to feel love for you until the OP is out of the picture. Also remember that the emotions, thoughts etc. of teh WS change rapidly, and you can't take as fact everything they say. WS lie to you because they are lying to themselves. Of course their feelings are affected by the OP. My WH says the same thing. The WS is just trying to eother spare your feelings or trying to rationalize their feelings. The WS is always trying to find a good reason for the A - but guess what, there never is one, so try not to get hung up on what comes out of the WS mouth for a while. Read up on Plan A and give it a try. It's all about helping you through this. Also, you can go to any of redhat's posts and there are links to threads for newcomers to give you some more insight. Good luck! K

CG,<p>The link that mylife is talking about is HERE!<p>It's a letter that >>>I<<< wrote (trying to view things from WS point of view). I had initially thought about bringing her here to post herself, but thought better of it at this point.<p>BTW, your post sounds just about right where I'm sitting right now, except that my WS hasn't ended the A (they're on a 2-3 week break for her to sort things out).<p>So, know that you're not alone in this. Though there may not be anybody who's going through the EXACT same thing as you (we humans are a complex creature emotionally), there are enought similarities that people will be able to help you through the tough times.<p>Good luck and God bless,
Kev

Confused Guy,<p>Listen to RJB2 about friends. I have been in the same boat as you for a while and never ever would have made it this far (my own sanity) without the support of two very good friends. I only hope someday that I could help them as much as they have helped me. <p>I completely understand the phone calls and how much they hurt. In 3/00 wife and I took a "lets put this behind us vacation" to Key West. She called the OM a few times when I was out of eyesight. <p>
Together 12 years. Married 10. 2 daughters (4&6). Wife had ea/pa with boss/ now turned co-worker via her promotion from 7/99 - 8/00. Plan A started 11/99. D-Day 1/00. Plan-b tried 5/00 Wife is MB-proof & refused. Revenge Affair 7/00 - 8/00. Wife is still not committed to marriage. D discussions underway today.

confused guy,
Thanks for the reply, i read your post and i can't believe the similarities. The phone calls really got me. My wife was calling at least once a day, i got my cell phone records and couldn't believe it. Most of the calls were to set up meetings so i know she saw him more then she led me to believe. She called him twice on my birthday, what i kicked in the teeth. Hang in there, hopefully we can both look back at this time and say it help our marriages to be stronger then they were ever going to be. I know giving it time is hard, but thats about all we can do. Keep working on yourself and hope she sees the change....thats what i'm trying to do...Good Luck

CG...you are definiitely not alone. My d-day was on 7/6/01 and I am still going thru what you are going thru. We just started counseling so it is too early to tell where it goes from here. She still sees OM which really hurts. We have 3 children (9, 7, 4). I get support from 2 family members that know. If I had no one to speak to I'd go nuts. I love her very much and I want our marriage to work, but she says the same thing your wife tells you. Try to hang in there...I know I am trying.<p>DD

Confused<p>She will never get the feelings back as long as the A is going on. If she still see OM then it has not ended. <p> My WH told me the same thing for over a year and now the A has ended and his feeling for me are now there. This has happened in only about two months.<p>Why did you move out? If I were you I would go back home. If she wants out then let her leave. Plan A her. Send her cards. Leave nice messages on machine. Set up a date with her.<p>I really would go home. <p>How can she get the feeling back for you when she still has feeling for OM? She can't. All contact has to stop. <p>The fog is thick my friend. You need someone to talk to. I would trust a friend or family member. I think I would also tell the family she is not trying.<p>My WH told me over and over that he did not want to work on M. But contact with OW was still going on. You moving out makes it easy for her to have contact with OM and lessen her guilt.<p>My WH now tells me he is glad that I did not leave him or make him leave.<p>Stay strong<p>
SLH<p>[ December 02, 2001: Message edited by: still love him ]</p>

Confused Guy,<p>>>> My wife has told me several times that she has fallen out of love with me. <<<<p>Typical from WS. Very typical.<p>>>> She says this hasn't changed in the past couple of weeks and that it isn't going to change in the next several weeks. <<<<p>I'll tell you, be prepared for this to last longer than a few weeks - prepare yourself mentally for the possibility of months and months. Some here are into years now.<p>>>> That basically she is doing this so her parents think she tried in all of this. <<<<p>At one point, my WW tried to convince me that if things hit the light of day, I should say to people that we "grew apart" - talking about a half-truth! She grew apart from me without communicating about it. So there's all sorts of things WS do to rationalize and defend their positions - it's typical.<p>>>> I told the counselor I can't show my wife that because she doesn't want to see me, talk to me or email me. So hard to show someone you have changed when you don't have the oppurtunity. <<<<p>And even if you can show her this in the person or from a distance (Plan A can be done either way), you shouldn't expect "results" for sure. My WW admits that I'm so great, such a prince charming, etc. but still has no interest in working on us. Of course, her EA is still on-going, so I expect this.

>>> The counselor told me that my wife thinks at this poing she knows what she wants. That she wants a divorce. <<<<p>Yes, this is typical I think. My W "wants" to be with OM - has admitted this, but for her at least, has enough doubt to keep her on the fence and at home. My faith is that beliefs can change, so don't be completely discouraged by your W's current desires.<p>>>> I moved out, I don't talk to her, I gave her the space she wanted. What else can I do?? <<<<p>Hmm, I agree with prior posts - go back home. It's far easier to Plan A when you're together. My W recently made a slight effort to move out - wanted to move to the city she works in (about 50 miles) during the week, and come home on the weekend. Our counselor shot that idea down for her - but it had to come from C, if I tried to say anything about it, it would have undoubtedly become a big LB. Her being home has given me opportunity, but has also been hard on my ego - but I'll take it.<p>>>> What are the odds of her getting that feeling back for me in the next few weeks? <<<<p>Sorry to say it, but unlikely at best. Then again, everyone is different.<p>>>> Heck she might never ever fall back in love with me. <<<<p>Get and read "Surviving an Affair" - great book that outlines the life-cycle of a typical affair. The key is that the falling back in love can't occur until the relationship with OM is OVER. And typically, that relationship needs to die a natural death, sadly.<p>>>> So I am not in anyway able to talk to people about this. So what does anyone suggest? <<<<p>Post here and talk to some people who you can trust to keep it to themselves until you're ready to "reveal it" more widely.<p>>>> Do I say at this point it doesn't look good? <<<<p>I'd play it pretty quiet for now, myself. That's what I'm doing in my situation. The only people who know are me, WW, OM, our counselor and a couple of friends. Until you know more for sure about what you want for next steps, there's no point in making things more confused.<p>>>> Do I keep telling myself something might change? <<<<p>You should be optimistic, but also realistic. There are no promises from MB principles, except that you will rise from this someday as a better person.<p>>>> It has been this way now for about five weeks. Wow life is so unfair.... <<<<p>After 5 weeks for me, I will still in pretty rough shape. It's quite the roller-coaster, and we feel like we have no control over it.

Confused_Guy,
I was similar to yourself and did not want to discuss the A with anyone, however in the end I decided to talk to a trusted person I used to work with a number of years ago. I took a number of days to decid who to speak to, in the end the person I confided in was someone who I respected, who I had absolute trust in and would not speak to anyone about the situation I was telling them about, she also happened to know of the wife which I thought might be of help in terms of knowing how she might react if I did certain things. This was a great relase for me, and allowed me to run some things past her that I was thinking of saying and doing, almost allowing me to get a reality check on things.<p>I additionally told Steve Harley when I started counselling.<p>In terms of how to progress your current situation, I can see the similarities between our cases, if you are not already continue, althought its hard, to carry out a really good plan A. Its very very hard when you are not getting ANY feedback, but hopefully eventually your WS will start to notice the changes, but they must be consistent.<p>Unfortunately we have not met up very often since she moved out, I therefore used text messages occasionally and every 2/3 weeks sent a card to her, on both occasions I kept it simply and non-pushy, just asked how she was keeping, what sorts of things I had been doing and after a few cards had been sent I then dropped little sentences in about how welcome back she was, and how I had identified the factors which had caused her to do what she did.<p>If you do do this, do not necessarily expect a reply, I never heard a reply or she never said anything to me about the cards for about 3 months. In month 4 she did, but that wasn't very encouraging!<p>As Steve has said to me in counselling, getting a reply to any of these things is like a bonus, getting something to her with your name on is an achievement.<p>Its tough, really tough, but I would urge you to hang in their, I can not say to you from my perspective that your efforts will be rewarded, because mine haven't, but I know at the end of the day that I have done everything in my power to save our marriage. <p>At the end of the day however you can show a horse the water, but you can not force it to drink - and mine will not drink the water. But I know I have tried my hardest.<p>Look after yourself<p>MandS

Well this weekend didn't go to well. The counselor suggested that I should ask my wife out for dinner, a movie, or just a drink. We should go out and just enjoy each others company and not talk about the current situation. Well my wife rejected me on Saturday because she was tired from working that day. Well come Sunday I tried again and she said she didn't feel good and wanted to stay home. Well I found out she went out with one of her friends for dinner. So I keep trying and trying and notta. The counselor suggests I try something and my wife just does not try. What does everyone think of this? Is she still in the fog and she knows she hurt me so she doesn't want to be with me? Or do you think she has her mind made up on a divorce and she is justing being really mean about all of this? Hard to keep trying and trying and I don't see anything. I am not expecting her to say I want to work on the relationship. But I would like to see some sign of something positive in all of this...

Confused guy,<p>Baby steps.. Be persistent but not needy - kind of a fine line. Small "one-way" gestures might be effective in time if she resists getting together - notes / cards, flowers, etc. These kinds of things will at least put you in her mind, and hopefully in a postive enough way to encourage more opportunity for two-way stuff - supper, drinks, etc.<p>Don't expect to solve this quickly. Patience is something the BS must become very familiar with, or failure is assured.

Well I am trying and trying. I sent her flowers to her work today which I have never done before. So we will see if she even thinks that was nice of me. Also I bought her some cd's she wanted and she was having a hard time finding them.
I feel as if I am putting 110% percent into trying to be the best husband I can be in all of this. Just for some reason she seems to be so lost in the fog.
Her parents are really upset with her because she hasn't tried at all to this point. She has a single friend who was never a good influence on her since the old high school days. I didn't interfere but her mom called her friend asking to leave my wife alone for awhile. WEll I guess a few words were exchanged and I believe my wifes friend no longer talks to my wife. I know it sounds bad but I am sort of happy that did happen. This was her single friend asking my wife to basically go out and party with her all the time.
The hardest part I am dealing with now is that I think her co-worker crowd is not a good married supporting crowd. There are too many single people who go out after work and they are always asking my wife to go with them. Also they give her a hard time for being married and call it the old ball in chain. Not to mention one of her co-workers is the person she was involved with. How do I deal with it mentally knowing the people she works with really isn't supporting the marriage? Mentally that part alone is killing me. Even harder is my wife never let me meet anyone from her work so I am in the dark of really how these people are. Plus I would like to meet some of them face to face. I think it is too easy for them to influence my wife since they have never even seen me.

confused guy,
As a former WS, my take on what she is doing was the same thing I did. And that was to push all the buttons that make the H feels bad in order to push hard enough that he will have enough and be the one to get the divorce. Then everything that was thought or said by the WS will just completely justified in her mind. That way she can say that she knew it wouldn't work and that her love for you would not return.<p>Of course we all know that the OM has everything to do with how she is feeling, but at the point in time she won't see it that way. In fact, you can't even point that out. it would just be another strike against you. If your love holds out, keep trying. Send her cards that just tell her you are thinking of her. Let her know you hope she had a good day. Don't talk about how she thinks she feels towards you right now. <p>Are you doing things by yourself or with your friends? Don't sit home all the time, start making a life for yourself that doens't include her. That hit me, when I saw that my H's life would go on whether I was with him or not. Oh he tells me now how hard and painful that was, but he said he had to show me that he could survive no matter what I decided.
God Bless,
Debbie

DLM - I have seen some of your posts before and they were very helpful. I share a lot of the same feelings and issues that CG is going thru right now (as I know many others here are too). Can you give us (the BS) some advice/tips, on other things your H did which made you really think about life without him and that brought you back to him? <p>DD

DD,<p>I think what got to me the most was the my H just went on with his life. Of course, he went to work, but he also worked on other projects after work as usual. He would go to friends' houses.
Oh he would ask me to go, but I was very depressed and confused over everything that was happening, so I would stay home. I really expected him to stay home, but he would just tell me he loved me and out the door he would go.
Now after all this time, he has shared with me that he and his friends would get together and pray for me and our situation. He also told me that I could have all the time and space I need, but to remember that no one would love me as much as he does. And I watched him go about his business. He also took care of the house, laundry, cooking and things that he had never done before. He said if he had to do it for himself, he might as well start now. And all this was only one month after he discovered my A.
It was his whole attitude that amazed me. He constantly showed me that he loved me without pressuring me to make some kind of decision. he told me he was only able to do that because of the support of his friends.<p>I hope this is what you are asking about. If you have anything more specific you want to know, please ask. I work nights, so I don't get on here everyday. But I do check back. I have posted my email address that you can use if you want. I do check that everyday.<p>God bless,
Debbie

dlm,<p>Praise God for the power of prayer! It's all I have these days and brings me peace! We have a great friend in Jesus and he won't disapoint us, lie to us, hurt us or deceive us! He is always there with open arms waiting for us to come to him!<p>Prayer is powerful and God will answer all of them, but remember His timing is not always the same as ours!<p>Le

I think I an seeing a pattern here. Are we all married to the same people?<p>It is VERY hard for me. She moved out of the house on me, and still says to this day that there is nothing to work out(nevermind that she isn't giving our daughter the chance to have a stable family), and that she doesn't love me. The biggest kicker here is that she see's OM every single day and night. I was never even given the oppurtuninty to plan A while she lived at home. She moved out and mentioned that she didn't want to date anyone else, and that sex and kissing were DEFINATE no no's. She had already begun the affair at that point in time.<p>The other thing is that the OM is an alcoholic (she denies this, but I know he drinks about a 5th of vodka once every two to three days) and she has him there everynight when my daughter is in her apartment. I really do not like this. I asked her if she would not have him over when she has our daughter, she will not respect my request. Would it be who of my to get a restraining order against him? Can I get a restraining order against him? Would the be a major LB, or should I just say screw it and do it for my child's safety? I know that if anything happened to my child, or my WS for that matter she would call me to take care of the OM.

well I am not too sure if I have figured this posting message thing out so hopefully this works. I myself am a woman, married for 7 years, with 2 children have had an affair. I have fallen in love with my lover, and out of love with my husband. My husband is a great guy but obviously was not meeting my emotional needs. So I went looking for someone to fill my gaps. It led into a full blown love affair. So here I am just as your wife is. In love with another man. To be honest I don't know what will happen in my situation or in yours. I can totally understand where she is coming from though. If there were not children involved in this situation I would have bolted right into the arms of my lover. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>WEll your situation and mine sound like the same. The person she was involved with was someone from her work. She has told me she has stopped all contact with them, but she still works with him. She does still see him at work. How can you still see someone and not think or have feelings?? Well my only saving grace is that this guy is suppose to leave the company sometimes in mid December. Maybe once he is truly out of the picture will maybe she think with a clearer head. The sad part is all this will take more and more time. Even worse is that my wife doesn't admit that this guy had anything to do with her feelings now. I mean she was calling this guy at 6 a.m. in the morning. Going to lunch with him. Calling him on her way home from work. Calling him when I was in the shower at home. Sometimes she was giving a ride to the guy to and from work. So I don't think anyone can say this guy didn't have anything at all to do with her feelings...Ughhhhhh......
Sad of all is my wife says the feeling is gone and that it isn't coming back. That is the worse part for me.....</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]