I have been married for 15 years and just discovered that my H has been having an A for about a year. My H's OW is an OM. I am shocked! I am so disgusted with my H that I can't even look at him. I don't know what shocks me more, that my H had an A or that he had an affair with a man. My H wants to try and work our marriage out, but I am not sure that is even possible. I can't believe my H is bisexual. How do I know how many lovers his OM has had? How do I know if any of his lovers OM are HIV positive? I'm scared. <p>How can he expect me to want to work my marriage out? I don't want a bisexual husband. <p>Maybe I should go out and have an affair.

Dear Marsha,<p>First of all, DON'T go out and have an affair. That doesn't solve anything. It certainly won't make you feel any better to have compromised your own values in an effort to hurt your husband. You'll only hurt yourself.<p>Second, I understand where you are. I found out in April about my husband's long-standing off-and-on and usually anonymous indiscretions with other men. I can't understand the EN that underlie that kind of abnormal behavior (which I believe it is) but I do think it has a lot to do with the man's relationship (or I should say lack of) with his father or father-figure. Lots of counseling needed!<p>We went to a counselor a few times but didn't get very far. My H is still not willing to deal with the problem openly. He thinks he can just ignore it or something. Obviously the biggest issue for me now is trust.<p>Also, on the health front, I did insist on HIV testing for both of us. We are both ok so far. But it is scary!! And I still don't trust him when he is not with me. He works away from home and is gone for days at a time, so the possibilities are there for his straying. We are working on a new job situation that would put our family together again. And we have been married 16 years now.<p>I would be very interested in hearing from other MBers about this topic.<p>I sincerely feel for your anger, shock and grief. This will take huge amounts of time. And for me I sometimes wonder if I even comprehend the magnitude of all of this. My own emotions rollercoaster from anger to depression on a regular basis.<p>I am there for you. All the best.
A.

This is a marriage buster IMO. No ifs ands or buts about it. You are married to a depraved individual who lied to you about who they are and married you solely for what you could do for them. Be thankful you found out, do not try to redeem him, you can't, no one can, he is in God's hands. Feel sorry, value them as a human being, wish em well, but run away as fast as you can, you have nothing to look forward to but misery and disease. Thank-God He (God) revealed the truth of your marriage to you (that it is not a marriage at all), and given you an opportunity to save yourself, I am sure He has other plans for you. Good Luck.<p>Ps... If there should be any bleeding hearts out there who intend to chastise me, don't bother, this woman needs the support to break whatever emotional connections she has to this person, and escape, not be counselled to try and make it work. She should immediately divorce him, surround herself with supportive friends and family, and find someone who is not a lieing, depraved user.

Marsha,<p>I don't know where your relationship can go from here but first get yourself tested. I'm sure you'll be fine and HIV tests are pretty common place these days.<p>Then, once it's known that you are negative you need to sit down and work this through very slowly. How old is your husband? Is this a once off relationship or has there been more? What's your husbands take on this? Establish some basics and then make some decisions.<p>Years ago a friend off mine got married and it turned out her husband was gay. In those days being gay carried a heavy social stigma and he was running from it. Once he'd outed himself the marriage could dissolve amicably and they both were able to move on with their lives.<p>Don't know where your husband is in this but he needs some help.<p>take care,<p>- Freddy

Marsha,<p>{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}<p>You are not alone, I'm sure. There are lots of support groups, both on-line and off, for women who have discovered that their Hs are bisexual. A little searching should help you on this front.<p>I agree about testing, for both of you, and not just HIV, the whole gamut of STD tests (sorry). I don't say this because your H's A was with a man, I actually think everyone who's SO has had an A should be tested (as well as the SO) for absolutely everything. I think it is folly to take the word of a cheater who says "I was always protected!". IMHO, the whole A-world turns the WS into an unpredictable lier.<p>Are you in counselling? Is your H? Are you going to MC? If not, please find a good counsellor, asap. And find someone who reads off the same page as you in terms of what you want to do, whether you want to try to recover your M or you want to separate/divorce amicably or whether you don't know which until you know whether your H can and will overcome his homosexual urges. I don't necessarily agree that these urges make that person depraved, but I do think that the problems that this poses to the future of your relationship are very serious for both of you.<p>I would also ask if you are a religious person and whether your H is. Different churches take different approaches on homosexuality or bisexuality. Your church and its ministers might be a good place to find comfort and support.<p>When you say that your H wants to work things out and stay married, has he said how he proposes to do that? Also, do you have children and how old are they? Depending on their ages and their knowledge of the current situation family counselling or IC for the children might be necessary, too.<p>Oh, I feel for you. I wish I could lighten the burdens that you must feel right now. The only thing I can think of to help is when you feel completely overwhelmed, hand over your burdens to God for him to hold for a while. Take a break from your heartaches and ask Him for assistance.<p>Hugs,

The man's a bisexual, he's not gay, and he's not a freak. He had an affair, just like so many of the WS's here and wants to reconcile the marriage.<p>Marsha, the fact is, your H is bisexual, is that something you can live with? It will always be there, whether you see it or not. But, that doesn't mean your marriage has to end, if you CHOOSE not to end it.<p>Living with a bisexual is difficult, but not impossible. There are, many, many people out there that are bisexual, especially women. Does this mean he's going to go out and start having sex with all these OM because you can't give him what he wants at home? No. Can it happen? Yes.<p>I'm just saying you should treat your H just like all the other WS's here that have had affairs. If you both want to reconcile, then you can. If you decide that his sexual orientation just completely sickens you and YOU could never live with someone like that, then that is your CHOICE. <p>Please don't confuse the two though. If your H came up to you w/o having an affair and told you that he got turned on by looking at men and the thought of being with a man, would you divorce him?<p>That is your answer. You need to split the affair and his sexual orientation so that you can make the decision that is right for you.<p>Unless he is like SnL says and maliciously was out to trick you and knew all along that he liked men and was going to be doing this, well, then, I'd have to agree with what SnL said.<p>HbH

I'm sad and depressed today. I'm sure you know why...

Marsha, I'm sorry, my reply to you was sort of terse. I'm upset today as well and I was probably taking it a bit out on you, my apologies. <p>I am sorry you are so down today. Do you want to talk? When was your D-day? Has your H agreed to no-contact? Have you read up on everything on this site? Do you know what plan A is and the EN questionnaire? Is your H willing to go to IC and MC?<p>HbH

...

Marsha…..<p>I wanted to respond to your post on NDtW’s new thread….
“I just found the MB forum the other day. Please see my thread "OW is OM...Help." I am a little surprised at one or two of the responses I received.
I had a tough day yesterday (Sat.) My husband went to a holiday party last night without me.
There has to be an answer somewhere...out there.”<p>I am very sorry for the pain you are in right now. Many of us here have been in the same position you are in right now. The main difference is that your situation includes bi-sexuality. From what you have written, it sounds like the bi-sexuality is a big issue with you. I can understand that, it would be for me too. The affair is bad enough.<p>From your statement to NDtW is sounds like you are not happy with the content of the responses you got and/or you are not happy with the number of responses you got. I can understand that too. Remember that this is a DISCUSSION forum. If you post and then do not respond people will stop posting to you. We have many people who come here and post only once. So people get shy about responding when someone does not respond back. Let us know that you are still here and interested. I did not post to you last night because you did not seem to be ‘active’. You will find that people respond better and more often if you will respond to every post you get. It takes a lot of energy to post here, each response you get is a gift, receive it as such. You will find that you get more responses when you respond and thank every person who responds to you. You need to be the one to keep the discussion going.<p>Another thing that I have found that helps is reading and responding to others. I have gotten many more answers and input doing that then on any thread I ever started. You will get more from giving then from any thing else.<p>As for your not liking some of what people posted to you. This is an open forum; people will say what they wish. It is up to you to take their input or leave it. It is also up to you to sift through the responses and arrive at your own answers. There are no professional counselors here. If you do not talk to us, we will not know where your head is and you will get responses that are all over the place. Take them for what they are and take what makes sense to you. Do not be timid about challenging a poster; most of us are always up for a good discussion. Just be kind and gracious when you do it. Again, all here are posting a gratis. They do not have to please you.<p>And if you decide that this is not the place for you, that is ok too. We still hope you resolve your pain and problems as soon as possible.<p>Right now you are on the infidelity roller coaster, I’ve been there before and it’s not a fun ride. Hang on and keep talking to us. We are here for you.<p>Z

Marsha,
You have a different sort of problem..yes, there is the A and all the crappy stuff that goes along with it...But, realistically, there is a secret side to your H that you never knew. We all talk about "who is this guy..he 's not the man I married" when finding out about A's, but you truly have a man that has a side completely hidden...that's got to be tough. On you and him.<p>The thing is, you're going to have to seperate the A from the bisexuality...and I'm not sure how someone would do that...professional counselling would definately be the way to go.<p>I do know that the pain, humiliation, anguish I felt about finding another woman had taken my place...would've been much worse if I had to face the fact that another man was involved. To be honest, I don't know what I would do, in terms of stay or go...I think first step would have to be to get questions answered and get some sort of plan for personal healing. There are some books that helped me realize that a lot of the feelings I had were normal...that was good, thought I was going crazy. <p>Then, there is the HIV scare. While all of us dealing with infidelity have been put at risk, those who's spouses had homo/bisexual partners or IV drug users or prostitutes for partners have got a huge burden..because if their partner does not change, the risk will always be there.<p>I don't know how much advice I can give you, but am willing to listen...I'm usually on the recovery board, but step in here form time to time to see old friends.<p>I think your statement "I don't want a bisexual husband" is valid. I personally don't either. This is going to be something you can't control or "fix" with usual affair recovery counselling. So, here you are married to a man you love that is bisexual. This is a crisis...don't make a decision based on the crisis. You still love him, so before you make a decision I really would suggest working through a lot of the issues surrounding this and other aspects of the marriage. Do you have a counselour? Does he?<p>Hope to hear from you again. Hang in there
T

Marsha, I have a very dear friend who came out of the closet about a year and a half ago, after a lifetime of trying to convince herself she was straight, including a marriage. During her separation from her husband, he raped her in front of their children and threatened her with a knife. <p>This is not how to make someone straight. <p>SnL, I know you mean well, but words like "depraved" are not helpful.<p>Marsha, this is an unenviable situation you're in. One of two things is happening: Either your H is bisexual, in which case you have to decide if this is something you can live with (in most cases it's not), or else he's gay, in which case it's very unlikely that you can save your marriage.<p>Many churches have support groups for married bisexuals who want to stay married. How successful they are, I don't know. There is also an organization called PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (www.pflag.org) that offers programs, support, and literature for people in your situaiton.<p>There are some here who will tell you that there are religious groups that can "cure" homosexuality -- groups such as Exodus, etc. You should know that the fellow who founded Exodus was seen in a gay bar propositioning men about a year ago. Homosexuality is not a choice, and it cannot be "cured." If you believe it's a choice, read SnL's post and then ask yourself if being the subject of this kind of hostility is something someone would "choose."<p>You are going to need a lot of help and a lot of support to get through this, whether you and your H decide to stay married or part ways. If you have children, it is in everyone's interest for this process, however it goes, be done as positively and lovingly as possible.<p>Please call PFLAG or your local social service agencies and see if there's a group in your area to help you. When you feel strong enough to do so, sit down and talk to your H and try to get a handle on what HE feels his sexuality is. He may be unsure and frightened as well. <p>Believe me, there are people who can help you -- and your family. If you want more information, please post here again. If so, I'll try to find some resources for you.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
[QB],
do not try to redeem him, you can't, no one can, he is in God's hands. Feel sorry, value them as a human being, wish em well, but run away as fast as you can, you have nothing to look forward to but misery and disease. Thank-God He (God) revealed the truth of your marriage to you (that it is not a marriage at all), and given you an opportunity to save yourself, I am sure He has other plans for you. Good Luck.<p>SnL
Don't throw that kind of stuff on me. I don't go for that. I don't buy your beliefs.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
[QB]You are married to a depraved individual who lied to you [B][/B]<p>SnL, are you male or female? Are you a WS or a BS? If you are a WS then you are also a depraved individual who lies. If you are a BS then you are (or were) married to a depraved individual who lies. I think the word "depraved" is a little strong.
Marsha

buy it or not as you please, it is your life, but reality is reality, I am either right or wrong, and so are you. You want to make a project out of changing your H is your right, but I know of no case histories of success at what you try. You are married to someone who witheld a fundamental truth re himself to you, as well as put you at tremendous risk, I cannot see how that translates into love at all, he used you. As for you and your understandable feelings (emotional denial of your reality), my goal was to wake you up, realizing full well I would probaly fail, denial is endemic in relationships for a variety of reasons. I don't mince words marsha, not when lives are at stake, many people live in marriages of denial being used by their spouses, hoping someday it will change, and it never does, cause it is not up to you, and many (most) people never change who they are, the trick is in recognizing who they are. I used the word depraved a little out of context, I was not actually referring to the homosexual act itself, but was referring the someone who would deny such a truth in order to trick someone into marrying them....this applies to anyone who conceals their sexual history when commonsense dictates their partner might leave them if they knew. There is little in life I find more horrifying than tricking people into marriage, or remaining married, than concealing sexual (or other important) information. Certainly someone concealing something so awful as homosexuality from a prospective mate makes a complete lie out of the marriage. You cannot marry someone (and have proper intent) unless you know the truth about them, you married a picture, a phoney facade, and that is the reality. The question is, why on earth you would want to continue, surely you wouldn't have married if you knew the truth, so why is it any different now? You are not bound by any ethical, moral, spiritual, or cultural bond...all you can be is co-dependent or on a rescue mission, neither a proper foundation for marriage, but indeed it is your life, as it is for each of us, spend it, squander it, as you will.....in any event, good luck.

I addressed the depraved mention, and in hindsight it was not the best choice of words to convey my feelings about those who conceal sexual history from prospective mates, compounded by the reality that male homosexuality exposes the unknowing bs to a huge risk of aids, this is no trivial matter, and it is a "depraved" consideration of your well-being.<p>As for me, I am a depraved male ws, more commonly referred to as pondscum. However I abstained from sexual activity with my w after the pa, and immedicately offered her a divorce on her terms (whatever she wanted, I would sign). For some unknown reason she declined (she had made it clear for many years was only a matter of time till she left me, but that is a whole nother matter from your circumstances). The only thing I ever lied about was the short period of time when a freindship turned into something else, and as I said, I immediately offered divorce. But when we married I sure did not conceal any of my sexual history, or my orientation. Marsha a heterosexual affair, as hurtful and traumatic as it may be, is still more or less understandable and normal, and can be dealt with...... homosexuality debases and destroys utterly the fundamental basis of monagamy and God's plan for us, it far transcends being a "lie" to conceal that from a prospective mate. It is not just a lie, it is homicide to the marriage (and quite possibly to the mate). Do you realize how many unsuspecting heterosexual partners have literally been murdered (aids) by the homosexual users they believe loved them?

SnL,<p>Please do not shove your views down Marsha's throat. She has just discovered something that has turned her world completely inside out. How about supporting her without the disrespectful judgments? IMHO, the last thing this woman needs it to debate the risks of homosexuality or whether it is changeable with you.<p>It seems to me that Marsha came here looking for support, compassion, and some advice. SnL, how about some support and compassion? If you can't do that, then please consider not responding at all.<p>Also, if you want to flame me for making these comments, then I would ask you to start another thread. That way, Marsha and the others don't need to take part, if they don't wish to.<p>
Marsha,<p>Please do not be put off by one person. Do you have the energy to reply to some of the questions that others have asked? Or to respond to any of the other replies?<p>We all do want to support you.<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Marsha59:
<strong>...I can't believe my H is bisexual...I don't want a bisexual husband...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dear Marsha59,
I'm sure it hurts you enormously to have discovered this about your husband, but I'm glad that you can now take steps to protect your health. <p>I'm just wondering if your husband is bisexual or in reality a closet gay man? You know, a closet gay just using marriage to hide his true self? I have heard of that happening.<p>Nevertheless, I'm sure you are experiencing what many many betrayed spouses describe as feeling like their married life was/is a lie. Continue to post, there are others who are experiencing what you are going through.<p>Maybe -Kat- could help you. She usually posts on Emotional Needs. I believe she has even expressed some of the same sentiments as you fairly recently. Good luck to you because at least now you can start protecting your health, esp. since your H was seemingly uninterested! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Heartfelt hugs and prayers to you for all God's best in your life from this point forward!

Marsha,<p>I just read your story this morning. You are not alone on this. I discovered that my wife was having an affair with a member of the same sex over a year ago. I know it is hard. On top of the infidelity, we have this added twist that most BS don't have to deal with when it comes to this problem.<p>There will be lots of ups and downs for you. I'm still battling over a year. My wife, separated from me in April 2000, has not even hinted about coming back. You, at the very least, have a spouse who wants to work on your marriage. In time, you will be thankful for that.<p>I don't have time right now, but will post again later today. Feel free to search my name for more on my story if you wish.<p>Hang in there...<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</p>

Marsha,<p>I am so sorry you are going through this.<p>I was married to a bi-sexual male. Unfortunatly we couldn't resolve things.<p>First let me say, the whole idea of being in a marriage and saying you are bi-sexual is wrong.<p>BI means two..and when you marry you forsake all others, SO no matter what your sexual prefrences are you are suppose to be faithful.<p>I agree on the idea of getting tested, I would also insist on the use of protection for awhile, but I would do that no matter WHO the OW/OM was.<p>You and your H both need counseling to deal with this, and you have to try and see what EN were being met by his A. That weren't being met at home. If it is a male bonding thing then there might not be anything you can do.<p>I do know your pain and only wish there was someway I could ease this. Find a counselor that deals with these types of sexual issues. If he doesn't want to go then you go. Your feelings of self worth are very damaged right now and you need to work on that.<p>Best of luck to you. You can usually find me over on Emotional Needs ...if you need to talk<p>-Kat-