Thanks Sherry...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Personally I think you should send an e-mail to him and be decient and say W and I are still in love trying to fix our marriage together. <hr></blockquote><p>The problem with this is WS doesn't see it that way. She's not agreed to WORK on our marriage. She said she's in search mode - looking for herself. I think I mentioned earlier, she said this trip is to be honest with herself. I don't fully understand that because, correct me if I'm wrong, if she were honest with herself, feelings aside, she would see that she's a wife, a mother, part of a family that is in trouble and needs help.<p>She asked me yesterday, how is it that she's cheating on the family. can we get some opinions on that.

TY,
I think it's cheating on the family. Imagine your duties at work, if you are doing something else then are you cheating your employer? Her family needs her. She probaly needs a vacation from family though. So I would ask her if she would like to take a little trip away just the two of you.
Are the two of you in C? If not I think you find a christian C. I am going to still my H's(SEM)idea of Asking your W to give you like 3 months to show her why she should stay w/family.

Ty,<p>Well I haven't seen much success in convincing a WS in the "fog" to stay or not to see OM or OW, it is pretty much the WS decision to stay or go. If I were trying to convince my W to stay I would ask for 3 to 6 months to work on the marriage, and then decide what they want. Explain to your W that you didn't have a chance to make a difference having not known there were problems in the marriage, or if you did know you didn't know what was causing the problems and or how to fix those problems. Now you know there are problems and you are learning how to fix those problems, but without time to work on it you don't have a chance. Its obviouse she doesn't want to lose the marriage, so if she would only give it 6 months without contact with OM then you have a good chance at having a great marriage together. By going to see OM again will only make things worse, and will not help her decide, it will only pull her farther from the marriage. <p>I suggest reading Surviving an Affair, for her more than anything. <p>I think it is really a good thing your W is willing to come here and read, not many WSs come her and as I already said I havn't seen a couple who are dealing with a current A post together and read together. I hope she will continue to read and post here, I am sure many people will be willing to help. <p>Also Ty, perhaps you should start a new thread, this thread is on the third page and not many vetrans are keeping up and they could offer a lot more help than I, its hard to catch up when you have to read 3 pages to anderstand whats going on. I suggest you post a new topic, on maybe how to convince your W not to go to see OM. Just a thought here

Ty,
Sorry to have not replied sooner. Work/computer problems just a few reasons.<p>From what you've said about your w's confusion, I think what I am feeling is similar. For me, I think I just need to see my husband in a new light and that is beginning to happen. He has been very attentive to my needs lately. He tells me just how much he has to offer me and the children and tells me to think long and hard about just throwing that away. He seems to be very sincere about giving me whatever I need emotionally and that has made a difference for me.<p>Just five months ago I could not stand the sight of him. I had completely given up on our marriage and having a relationship with him. No one could have *ever* made me believe that he would change the way he has. His patience, his love, and his understanding are beginning to win my heart back again. I find myself thinking, "Gosh, I don't know if I could ever find another man who seems to love me more!". <p>Then again, I have this tremendous, perhaps irrational, fear of getting hurt again. I am having a very hard time even thinking about giving up the OM. My H has asked me to completely stop emailing the OM for a few months so I can give our marriage my complete, undivided attention. The thoughts of this scares me. I should be able to say "Yeah, OK, sure!", but I can't. <p>But fears aside, the loving, non-condemning way he has been treating me lately has come a long way in letting me see him differently.<p>Hope this helps.

Vrmcca - can you share your withdrawal feelings with my WS. How hard is it? Have you been following the MBr concepts? Thanks.

ty,
I made a post about the fear of getting hurt again and opening myself up completely to my H on the Emotional Needs forum. I did receive some good advice (it is still ongoing), but so far do not know HOW to do it.<p>I have been accepting love from my husband to a point. On the surface it is easy to receive from him, but inevitably I hit a place emotionally that I cannot get past. It is my hopes that with my husband's continued love and understanding, I will continue to get closer to him. <p>One thing that he has done that has helped is to give me space while I am still confused. When he gets too pushy, it just makes me want to run to the OM because there is no pressure there (I guess it's negative reinforcement vs. positive reinforcement). Just knowing that he loves me enough to let me work this out without him pushing me goes a *long* way in building my trust in him--trust that he *really* cares about me and is sensitive to my emotions! I think he is probably taking a big risk by giving me space, but pressuring me will only drive me further away and he knows that. I cannot tell you how much it means to me that he is willing to "put himself aside" just for me!! That is doing a lot of good towards rebuilding our marriage--even though he knows there is still a chance that things may not work out between us.<p>I don't know if this helps at all as I am still confused myself and am going through pretty much the same thing as your W. All I can say is for you to keep showing her you love and care about her and for her to stay open-minded and communicate to you what she feels. My husband prefers that I tell him what I am feeling even if it hurts him. To know where I am and what I am feeling keeps everything out in the open and lets him know where we stand at all times.<p>I hope this does not make either one of you more confused. I may not be the best one to talk to about this as I do not know all the answers. I wish I did and I will keep searching for them, but I am sure not "there" yet. I am just trying my hardest to be honest with my feelings and let my husband know just how I am feeling (even though that sometimes hurts him--but at least it is honestly how I feel at the time).<p>Hope this helps some.

This is the WS...<p>VRMCCA It does sound to me that you are in a similar position. Let me pose a question to you...<p>What if the OM was going to be in town next week? Would you see him? Would you tell your H?
How would your H react if you saw him? In turn, how would that make you feel?

Let me ask BOTh of you ladies something--
Let's say, for instance, you end up getting serious enough with the OM to ditch your husbands and go for Mr. Excitement. OK, all is kool.<p>Maybe you marry him and finally find "the One"
Oh boy. OK. Now, after a few years, etc, suddenly this guy tells you "I found someone cuter and sexier than you. I think I want her. But I'm not sure. Stick around while I spend my weekends with her, etc. I still expect dinner on the table, etc"<p>I gurantee you'd be all "oh, what a jerk!" "I can't believe he's treating me this way" etc, etc.<p>Prepare for it, because it will come one day. You can't stay cute forever, And with personalities like that, a wake up call is set for, oh, around your late thirties.

Uh...sorry...I did it again. i don't know what it is about this situation that makes me so judgmental. Maybe it's the total "Me Me Me" attitude of Ty's wife and VRMMA, or whatever.<p>Ty, doesn't that BOTHER you? don't you get worked up for the fact that your wife totally disregards how you feel and just wants to pretty much be single now? Why do you tolerate it?
Why do you sit back and let her burn you like that? Why? Why?

Tycush WS,<p>My H pretty much asked me the same questions you just asked. My answer was yes I would see him and yes I would tell my H about it. He told me, however, that it would really hurt him to know that I was seeing OM even though I knew how much it would hurt him (my H). My H would not react with anger, he would probably just withdraw. However, I would probably then feel guilty for hurting him. But this only comes after four months of seeing a drastic change in my husband and feeling his love for me. In Aug. I don't think I would have cared how he felt about it!!<p>A few nights ago, my H asked me to break off all contact with the OM for a few months so I can focus on trying to rebuild our marriage. He said I could wait until after the holidays to give him an answer but made it clear that if I could not break off contact with the OM, I have doomed our marriage. I can tell you that the thoughts of not "talking" with him (we email because he is in Europe) just makes me want to cry! He gave me support when I needed it most and we became very close. The thought of giving him up, even to focus on our marriage, is very scary. I made a post on the "Emotional Needs" forum about it if you would like to read that one and the responses. If you would like to post a question there you may be surprised at the responses. Most of the responses I have received there have been positive and supportive, not negative and condemning like some of the ones here! It does help to know that someone else is going through a similar situation and can offer good advice.<p>To be fair, my H has really been supportive lately (the past four months). Just the way he is responding to me now makes the biggest difference! He is not angry with me for developing an emotional attachment to someone else, even though I know it hurts him deep inside. He says he now realizes how much he loves me and how much he is wanting to be for me what is has not been in the past. He seems 100% sincere about wanting to give me what I need emotionally now. I am still "foggy", but his love and understanding does make it easier for me to think about rebuilding our marriage.<p>I hope this helps some.

This post is for EasyE.<p>This is the BS.<p>I don't know what your life experiences have been. I don't know if you have ever loved someone then lost them. <p>I did a poor job letting my wife know just how I felt about her and she found someone else to fill the void. I can understand you being judgemental, that's a natural response when you can see a situation from a distance. You seem to think that Ty and I are letting our wives "burn" us. <p>In reality, in my situation, I did not consider my wife's feelings over the years which created a situation where she became less concerned about my feelings. Knowing that I almost completely lost my W's love and yet she's still giving me a chance to make our marriage work has forced me to decide what I really want. I've searched my heart and I find myself wanting to be with my W, not just to save a marriage but because I enjoy being with her. I have found a deeper love for her which makes it easier for me to understand what she is going through and the feelings she is having. <p>I don't believe we are letting our wives "burn" us. We're giving them space to make a choice. It's worth the effort and the pain to try to save a relationship with someone you love.

EasyE... have you ever received a speeding ticket? Let's assume you have for this example - [hopefully you have] afterwards, have you ever gone over the speed limit again? yes? why? you got burned from doing it once before, or a few times or whatever - why do it again and again, possibly to get burned again. Unconditionally, you Love going faster than the speed limit - as you should also love going under the speed limit. why keep getting burned, or possibly burned going faster..... Unconditional Love! If you had the condition of not getting a ticket ever again, you'd always go under the speed limit[in Hate of geting a ticket], but do you always go under the speed limit? no? why? unconditional, even though you know a ticket may be possible. therefore, getting burned and not getting burned is our unconditional Love for our WS - like going faster than the speed limit, Loving it, knowing the possible consequence [ticket - you see?].
[just an example][wierd analogy but I think it works]. Don't even know if that makes any sense.... Have a good night!!

EasyE - I will still Love my wife regardless of what/whom she chooses. I would not want her to stay and believe she can't make our marriage work... If she truely believes we can't have a life together, so be it, will I Love her still, YES!<p>I know deep down, she knows she can't find love in OM - he can only put a front on to make her FEEL better [fake happiness] - she has to find love and happiness in herself first, then Love me... the feel better and happiness comes with that, nothing else!<p>vrmcca - same? maybe I'm just wacked, I don't know.. good night.

You gentleman are truly, and unbelievably, good souls. I understand your points, and they are well taken. I know I have no right to judge, but I do anyway because this is a free for all board and I throw my thoughts out there as I have them. I mean no harm. I know it isn't really productive. But I just wanted you to know how I feel. <p>Now, yes, I've been in your situation before with girlfriends. But, I dare say, that was back in high school. I never had a mature woman treat me like that. My adult relationships are and were ones in which we consider each other's feelings and even though some went bad, it never went like that. I never had to contend with another guy. I have been dumped, alright. Sometimes harshly. But at least it was up front.<p>I think you guys deserve better than you are getting, regardless of what you've done. I can't imagine living the way you do. I'd bug out completely. <p>Anyway, rock on fellas! Sorry if I offended you.
Maybe someday you'll see my point. Maybe I'm a [censored]. But I've always had certain lines that once crossed, just turn me off. And I think I've gotten more respect because of that. My wife and I share a bond like we're the only two people on earth. We never take each other for granted.<p>It pains me to see you guys sweat while your wives are barely there. I'd go insane. I could never deal with that.