While I don't see a lot of these things about myself, there are some which apply. Where do you or your WS/BS fall?<p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<p> "Characteristics of Co-dependents: Modified from Schaef (1986)"<p> "1. External referencing: distrusting own perceptions, lacking
boundaries, believing one cannot survive without a
relationship/addicted to relationships, fearing abandonment,
believing in the perfect union.<p> 2. Caretaking: become indispensable, become a martyr<p> 3. Self-centeredness: personalizing all events, assuming
responsibility for other's behavior.<p> 4. Over-controlling: increasing control efforts when chaos
increases, attempting to control everything and everyone,
controlling without caring for those controlled, believing
that with more effort you can fix the addict/family.<p> 5. Feelings: unaware of feelings, distorting emotional
experiences/accepting only acceptable feelings, fearfulness.<p>
6. Dishonesty: managing all impressions made, omitting/lying about
the truth, rigidity.<p> 7. Gullibility: being a bad judge of character, unwillingness to
confront, over-trusting, accepting what fits the way on wishes
the way things were.<p> Lay symptoms of Co-dependence<p> Changing who you are to please others
Feeling responsible for meeting other people's needs at the
expense of your own
Low self-esteem
Driven by compulsions
Denial<p> Diagnostic Criteria<p> a) Continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to
influence/control feelings and behavior, both in oneself
and in others, in the face of serious adverse consequences.<p> b) Assumption of responsibility for meeting other's needs, to
the exclusion of acknowledging one's needs.<p> c) Anxiety and boundary distortions around intimacy and separation.<p> d) Enmeshment in relationships with personality-disordered,
chemically dependent, and impulse-disordered individuals.<p> e) Exhibits at least three of the following:<p> 1. Excessive reliance on denial
2. Constriction of emotions (with or without dramatic outbursts)
3. Depression
4. Hypervigilance
5. Compulsions
6. Anxiety
7. Substance Abuse
8. Recurrent victim of physical or sexual abuse
9. Stress-related medical illness
10. Has remained in a primary relationship with an active
abuser for at least two years without seeking outside
support.<p>Co-dependent personality<p>Interpersonal:<p> Unassertive, does not pursue own rights, adapts rather than
changing a bad situation
Submission to others for predictability/security, self-
sacrificing
Oversensitive to others' difficulties
Puts up a front, hides "true self"
Withdraws, isolates, loneliness<p>Roles Adopted:<p> Rescuer: protecting/covering for the addicted person by
making excuses absences or social mistakes
Care Taker: minimizes negative consequences in addicted
person's chemical dependency
Joiner: rationalizing or participating/assisting in
addicted person's chemical dependency
Hero: protecting the family's public image/draw
attention away from the addiction with enormous/
"superhuman"/self-sacrificing efforts
Adjuster: avoiding discussion of the addiction in hopes
it will disappear, hiding concern and confusion
with apathy<p> Family:<p> Extreme family loyalty
Family rules: "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel"
Distorted family image: happy, no problems, see only the good
Over-developed sense of responsibility and concern for others
Control is valued, lack of control is terrifying, order,
stability, routine, regularity, peace, not chaos
Only superficial relationships, no intimate ones as equality/
equivalence is required for justice<p> Caretaking:<p> Excessive caretaking/dependency especially when stressed,
undeserved loyalty
Over-responsible/over-reliable (to compensate for the addict's
irresponsibility), anticipate other's needs ("enabling"),
need to control people and situations, rigidity
Denial: ignore/rationalize/minimize problem, denies increased
substance abuse
Loss of daily structure: missing appointments, having meals
at irregular times, not getting to bed or up on time
Fails to complete tasks, follow through, make plans, easily
overwhelmed with tasks, reactive not proactive
Crisis orientation not long term, good in crisis situation/
beginnings and endings but not in middles<p> Self-Image:<p> Low self-esteem: self blame for any problem/other's substance
use, guilt-prone, shame and guilt, "I'm bad/no good",
extreme/unproductive self criticism/flagellation, assumption of
blame due to inconsistency of parental behavior
Insecurity, low self-esteem, fear/belief in one's unloveability/
insanity/badness/dirtiness, Powerlessness
Shame at addiction, secretive, very reluctant to ask for help
Acts in a way they believe normal, doesn't know what is
normal behavior, emotional responses
Anxious over not feeling/acting sufficiently "normal", feel
different from anyone else you know
Adopts extreme role models and standards which would be
acceptable to a group with low self-esteem<p> Affects:<p> Depression, negativity, uncontrollable mood swings, no fun in life,
dulled feeling, alexethymia, anhedonia, or enjoy only when at
someone else's expense, seriousness life as series of problems
and crises to be solved, tasks to be done, worry is normal,
frequent resentments and anger, "Got a raw deal".<p> Cognitions:<p> Obsessive thinking, overreliance on analytical thinking,
perfectionism
Delusions/Irrational beliefs: Amor omnia vincit
(or at least substance abuse)
Dishonest, lies, denial, unaware of dishonesty (behavior)
is not the "real person"
Low memory of childhood<p> Behavior:<p> Physical, sexual, psychological abuse and neglect
"addictive" behavior: eating disorders, substance abuse,
obsessive-compulsive disorder
Acting out for attention or approval<p> Other:<p> Health problems: stress related disorders, lack of personal care
Became addicted to cope with frustration and pain
Neglected attention in childhood, "stroke starved", leads to
denial of own needs<p>Ackerman (1986)<p>"The Clinician's Thesaurus 3"
