Hi all,<p>Once again, I've gone back and rewritten my Plan B letter - after having read SAA, I modeled this current one quite a bit from the sample - seems hard to improve on it.<p>The main differences are that I've stressed that my willingness to talk about us is not unlimited - I think she'd love nothing more than to believe it is. I also tried to reiterate what I see for the future - a vision I think that's compelling to her. I also wish her well at the end, in a sense "letting her go" - opening the cage, so to speak.<p>So, again I've written this to work through some of my feelings, some of my anger, really. I don't intend to "use it" for a little while yet, although it's becoming amazingly difficult to continue in Plan A. She likes to verbally beat me, tell me about how she hates being here, etc., yet shows not the least effort to actually move out. (She did pose one option that would have had her move to the city she works in, about 50 miles away, during the week, coming home on the weekend. I evaded that, let our MC shoot that one down. She could have simply gone for it anyway, but admits that she won't now. So she isn't all that highly motivated to leave, claiming it's due to family - there's more, though - her doubt.)<p>My Plan A is going alright, I guess. Anything I try remotely romantic is rebuffed. I'm beginning to suspect a PA to at least some degree now - it's been months without SF or even affection - I know her and her neediness - it's disturbing, but I guess I'm not alone. I avoid LB'ing, but do occasionally, as any human being would. It's becoming hard to look at her as the woman I married - I don't want to be married to this one, that's for sure!!!<p>Anyhow, comments are again welcome...<p>
My Dear (W),<p>God give me strength – this is the hardest thing I’ve had to write, ever.<p>In the past few weeks, I’ve been able to reflect on things in a new light. I can see that I’ve tolerated this current situation, out of my honest love for you, out of hope that you’d come to see that I can not only be your best friend, but your passionate prince, and that you’d accept this willingly. I fear that I’ve reached a point where I can do no more to show you this.<p>(W), I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with (OM) possible. I foolishly pursued my own interests without understanding myself enough to outwardly express my genuine heart-felt love for you on a daily basis. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and now we are both suffering for my mistake.<p>I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will be fulfilling and based on genuine love and respect. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with (OM) once and for all.<p>Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you completely. We must conduct ourselves as the future will really be, not given other choices. We undoubtedly face logistical issues we must discuss. I will actually move in a couple of days – hotel first, apartment later. We will also need to tell our folks – we can discuss what might be appropriate for that. I will also ask that we establish a go-between for any communications – possibly (B) or (SIL) as one suggestion.<p>I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. It is not done out of malice, revenge, or anything remotely like that. I do it to protect my remaining love for you – and for my own self-respect. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with (OM) and the things that have been said over the past months, and I simply can’t be with you any longer, knowing that you persist in holding on to both of us. I still love you dearly but I cannot see you under these conditions. I’ve missed you so very much the last few months, and I can’t bear to continue like this, (W).<p>As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from (OM) and are willing to follow measures that will ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together. I’m not certain how long my feeling about this will remain strong – days? weeks? months? I can make no promises. As you are certainly aware, feelings can be fickle and unpredictable, but my resolve in building a happy life as a complete person is one thing that will never change. I don’t say that out of selfishness, but because I’m a survivor, and one who I’m confident you would love dearly as your husband, married in faith and happiness.<p>I would love to see our marriage restored some day. I want us to be best friends, create an environment where we can be joyous, avoid unhappiness, and thrive with passion and genuine bonding of husband and wife. I know that so very much is possible – and I hope that you do too. What do I see? A house, a garden, children, thrilled grandparents, a dog, and us standing tall – simple things. I wish this for you and I – regardless. I have all along in my heart of hearts.<p>I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing (OM). And if he is the one you are destined to be with for the rest of your life, (W), I wish you both well, along with your future children. Take care.<p>With my truest love,
(me)

J.R.,<p>Great letter! I was with you all the way to the end . . .<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>And if he is the one you are destined to be with for the rest of your life, (W), I wish you both well, along with your future children. Take care.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>The problem I have with this statement is that you seem to be a Godly man and this is definately not spiritual! We all want the people we love to be happy, but what you are saying here is that it is alright for her to live in sin and raise children in sin. IT'S NOT! If she leaves for the OM, she will live a life in sin and her only redemption is to return to you, repent, be remorseful and reconcile. According to the Bible, only then will she be free from the sin of adultury.<p>Sorry to go off, but I see no good in encouraging sin.<p>I just went into Plan B on Thursday so the subject is touchy! I want him back more than anything. This is round three and I am tired of palying his games. I love him to death and will take him back in a heart beat! Under one condition, he has to turn to God for foregiveness and be remorseful this time. The past 3 times he hasn't been and the kids and I have paid a heavy price!<p>My prayers are with you!<p>Le

Le -- yes, this line was something I wasn't sure about. My intent was to once again focus her on thinking about OM as her future husband. The more she thinks about it that way, the more I think she'll realize that she isn't gaining ANYTHING by doing this horrible thing. In fact, she's losing her dignity, the respect of her family, etc. She'll never be able to face them again, really. And her future kids with him - once she lamented to me that they won't look anything like her (OM is Korean) - for me, that'd be the least of my worries, but I guess it shows what kind of a mess she's in emotionally.<p>I don't want to encourage sin - definitely not. But I also want to let her know that I wish her no ill-will - the door is open, at least a crack. And it's her choice to live like that - she'll have to bear the consequences. I've told her before - I'm here to work on our marriage and will take responsibility for the outcome of that - if she goes, she'll take responsibility for any and all outcomes.<p>I will think about the wording some more, for sure. Thanks!

JR<p>Your letter is good. But I do agree that the line about her and OM should be deleted. Your goal here is not to support her in her affair; it’s to protect your marriage and yourself. The statement is a sidetrack. It really does not show support of her. I could be interpreted as being snide.<p>
RE: “we can discuss what might be appropriate for that”<p>Your letter says no contact, then you say lets discuss this. How can you discuss it if you have no contact? I’d suggest a stronger statement….. “I will discuss my actions with our parents.” Let her worry about explaining her actions to them all by herself. Or better yet, don’t even mention what you will do about telling parents. Just do what you need to do.<p>RE: possibly (B) or (SIL) as one suggestion.<p>Again you are leaving things up to discussion. There is no contact. “Please contact (B) or (SIL) for this as I cannot speak directly to you as long as you continue your affair. It is too painful."<p>Hope this helps.<p>Z